Simple Goals and Dreams of a Fat Girl, 3rd Edition

I felt it was time to update my list...seeing as it is almost the new year. It's time to make some resolutions and set some goals.
So here it is...The Simple Goals and Dreams of a Fat Girl...3rd Edition.
1. As a fat girl there are little things that I can't do like a skinny girl can. It may seem silly, but it is something that I have missed doing for a long time. And, that is...cross my legs like a lady. I have recently been able to pull up my foot to the top of the other knee (if you can picture that) and have it stay...which was very exciting! But, that's not enough...I want to cross them all the way.
2. I want to lose enough weight to be able to see my bones again. I have been fully padded, well insulated and soft and cuddly for many, many years. I forgot what my jaw-bone, collar bones, shoulder blades, ankle bones and knee caps look like. I realize I won't be as soft to lay on...but that's what pillows were made for!
3. I want to sit in a seat and not take up any space of the seat next to me. I look at these skinny butt people and notice that they have room to spare on their seat. And, I am just in awe and wonder what that would be like. I bet my kids would appreciate that too. :) "Mom! I don't have any room...scoot over!" would be a thing of the past.
4. I want to ride a bike and sit on the seat and not have it disappear (nice visual, huh?). Bikes are SO uncomfortable, but it looks like so much fun to ride!
5. In my last list, I said I wanted to run in races. Well...since then I have realized that I really don't like to run. And, maybe it's because I still have a lot of shakin' goin' on and it hurts a little. So, we'll see in time. Plus, marathon running looks SO boring to me anyway. However...I do want to compete in the messy obstacle courses like Dirty Dash. Now, that looks FUN!
6. I want to buy cute shoes! I want Doc Martens...big green boots and big clunky sandals. I want lots of cute sandals...all different styles. I want Vans and Converse and dorky shoes... lots of fun colors and designs.
7. I want to be able to watch my kids play sports or whatever activity and not be embarrassed to go out there and play with them. Besides that, I want to be able to keep up with them.
8. I want to run up the stairs.
9. I want to get rid of my C-Pap machine.
10. I want to be able to wrap a normal sized towel all the way around myself and have it overlap.
11. I want it to feel natural and normal to eat healthy.
12. I want ALL the fast food places to go out of business!
13. I want to experience life where food isn't constantly on my mind.
14. I want to buy clothes from a normal sized department.
15. Most importantly...I want to get rid of my Diabetes and get rid of all the medication that I take!
So, there it is...that's all for today. As I get smaller and as time goes by, I'm sure I will think of many more.
I do have to say that, even though I am oversized, and there are many things that I wish I could do, I still love myself regardless of my size.
I have made a lot of bad choices when it comes to eating. Some decisions were because of my age and thinking I was invincible...some were because of stress and using food as comfort...and some were just because it tasted good. Whatever the reason...it doesn't matter. What matters is, that I become aware of my choices and the consequences of them. Don't get angry because it may not be what I want. Look at the whole picture...how is this moment of food bliss going to affect me in the long run? Is it worth it?? That is a question that I ask myself frequently. And, I have to be honest...a lot of times I shut my "reasoning" voice up and eat it anyway. This is something that I'm working on. It's hard, but I know that I have to be strong and tell myself no sometimes. Not all the time...I do need some food bliss. I just need to keep it within reason.
It's all about moderation and balance. Yep, those words, that haunt me and taunt me. But...I promise, I will learn how to become one with them!! And...that, my friends...is my New Year's Resolution.  So, here's to another AWESOME year!!

Forgiveness and understanding.

Yep! This picture pretty much sums up my behavior for the past 2 weeks! I have been AWFUL this month!
And, you know what...I am ok with it. Yes, it really sucks to gain and have to lose it all over again. But, this is how I see it. I love food! Plain and simple. And, maybe in time, as I continue on this unfamiliar path of eating healthy and watching what I eat...food won't be as important to me. But, for right now... it is. I try really hard to convince myself otherwise, but I am just fooling myself.
As Aimee has told me, I have an "All or Nothing" way of thinking. Moderation is a foreign word to me. This is something that I have been made aware of...I understand...and I am working on it. I will have a week that I am on my best behavior. I will count all my points and exercise my butt off...that is my "all" state of mind. Usually those weeks burn me out, so that's when my "nothing" comes into play. And, my "nothing" weeks are NO joke. I don't quite understand it myself. All I know is...my devil side comes out in full force! The temptations are often too strong to say no to. It's almost like I am just antagonizing myself...daring myself too be bad. And, as I have said before...I am not strong emotionally, so I give in.
This is becoming a very big problem! I need to be able to stand up to myself and smack down that inner voice that taunts me and keeps delaying me from getting to my goals!
Moderation...moderation...moderation!
Balance...balance...balance!! (Yes...there it is again). Don't the experts say that we learn best from repetition. Well...I guess, I'm testing that theory.
This next year...watch out! I have SO many things in store for myself. I have experienced a lot of things this past year, both good and bad. I have learned how to succeed...I have learned how to fail...I have learned how to ask for help...I have learned how to do things on my own. I have done things this year that I thought would NEVER happen. Before I started on this journey, it got to the point where I began to give up on myself, and just accepted the fact that I was going to be fat all my life. But...then I looked at those sweet little faces of my precious little babies and I knew that I had to get off my butt and do something about it!
The most important thing that I have learned this year, is having patience with myself. This journey hasn't been easy. I have had to push myself in ways that I never have before. I will have bad days...I will have bad weeks. But...I have NOT given up!! And...I WON'T give up. My progress over the last 6 months is not at all like it was the first 6 months. I have been on a wild roller coaster ride for awhile now, and it has really affected my decision making. But...it hasn't killed my spirit or determination to see this journey to the end...no matter how long it takes!
I have been a huge supporter and follower and doer of Weight Watchers from the start. I have nothing against Weight Watchers. But...something inside me says that I need a change. I am ready to try something new that is very commonly used by many...but has never been done by me. I am going to start tracking what I eat based on calories. Aimee is 100% on board with this and she is going to help me by setting up a plan to follow. I think WW is starting to lose it's luster and that's one reason why my head hasn't totally been in it.
Another thing I learned about myself is that I need structure with options. I don't like feeling like I am stuck doing the same thing day after day. But...on the same note, I enjoy having routine. So, here is where balance comes into play...create a hum-drum routine, but have options of activities and food choices to insert in order to keep it fun and less monotonous. Also, one thing I struggle with is allowing myself pleasure activities...not any more. I have made a list of all the things I want to make time for and I have planned out my schedule accordingly...without sacrificing my exercise!
I have allowed myself to fall off the rocker the past two to three weeks, mainly because it was the holidays and I didn't want to behave myself. Not gonna lie! I had my fun...I ate my little heart out...I sat on my butt most of the time. Now it's time to get back to business! Have a little cry over the weight that I have gained back and now need to lose again...then GET OVER IT! This new year is going to be AWESOME!! :)

Positive thinking.

Getting out of my own head...de-cluttering negative thoughts...accepting the fact that I'm not perfect.
That's what I am working on right now.
I had a conversation with Aimee a while back about thoughts. I am going to try to convey our conversation as best as I can. We were talking about negative and positive thoughts and how I need to get rid of the negative thoughts that have been a constant script in my head. How she put it was like this...and I'm paraphrasing, so I hope I explain it correctly. I have to picture my mind like a forest and my thoughts clear out pathways or trails that help me get through the forest. I have cleared many trails with my negative thoughts. My same negative thought will go down the same trail over and over...so it becomes wider and easier to walk through. Because I am so negative, all of the positive thought trails are overgrown and need to be cleared out. So, for every positive thought I have, it will begin to clear a new trail. And, the more positively I think, the wider and more clear those trails will become. Eventually, those negative trails will become overgrown and it will be easier to keep myself in a positive state of mind.
I am a visual person and this analogy really helped me because I do get stuck in negative head space. So, this is how I see it...I want to create a mind that is full of positive trails. One that will lift me up and keeping me going. I work best with positive reinforcement. When I get "drill sergeant" criticism... it either pisses me off or makes me cry. Either way it is not effective in my growth and it changes my attitude towards the whole situation. For the worse. I close off and don't want to cooperate. Which is not good! So, I have to understand, that the same goes for how I encourage myself. Do I want to be compassionate or do I want to be a drill sergeant? I already know that I operate better with positive reinforcement. So...there's the answer...I need to quit being so negative to myself.
This is what I am struggling with right now. I have not been in a good mind set for quite some time. My weight has been up and down so much over the past few months and that is taking a toll on my attitude. I am noticing old habits sneaking back in...I am noticing that my desire to exercise and count my points is becoming less and less. I have to address this immediately before things get worse!!
Be compassionate...access the situation. What has happened that has put me in this negative head space?
When I think about that, I realize that I am forgetting to incorporate relaxation, goof off days and quality family and self time into my routine. I am so focused on my goals that I push myself to the point of breakdown, exhaustion and frustration. And that's when I start reverting back to old habits...and then I gain.
My goal for this new year is to find that balance. Yes...I say that all the time. It's all about balance. I will be compassionate with myself and make sure I allow in some pleasure time to balance out the constant grind of losing weight and getting healthy. That will help me to stay in a positive head space. And, once I get that under control, I won't have so many up's and down's. THINK POSITIVE!
I will get to my goal. And, the most important thing that I need to remember, is to stay positive and enjoy life while getting there! :)

Unrealistic goal setter.

The HoLiDaYs!!!
I love the holidays...but right now I'm ready for them to be over!!
My self-control is not so good right now...I'm trying...but, I'm not doing very well! My ambitious challenge of going NO sugar...FAIL! I did great for a week, but then I caved. I know it was silly for me to put that pressure on myself right now, but I also know that I am capable of doing anything I set my mind to. I love Christmas time and baking and eating treats. And, to take away that joy from myself, was too much. I understand that there are much more important things than food this time of year, but it's still one of those little pleasures that doesn't happen the rest of the year. So, I decided that...I will conquer that challenge after the holidays.
I have mixed feelings about my progress in this journey so far. I think it's because I set goals that are sometimes a little unrealistic. I am notorious for "biting off more than I can chew". I have an attitude of "piece of cake" most of the time. Which is actually a very positive outlook...it means that I am confident in myself and what I feel I am capable of. Problem is...I forget that life gets in the way. I forget that I am not always in a "go get 'em!" state of mind and I have set backs because of it. And, when I have set backs, I get really down on myself and have a hard time pulling myself back in.
These past few months have really screwed me up...emotionally and mentally, which have slowed down my progress physically. At least from my standpoint anyway and where I wanted to be by now. My first big goal that I set for myself was losing enough weight to be under 300 lbs by my birthday in July. I didn't reach that goal until mid November...4 months later than I had hoped. So frustrating!! And yes, I can give you all the reasons of why it took so long. But, all I see is, that I am not where I want to be. Another goal of mine was to have lost 100 lbs by my year anniversary...and that won't happen either. Also, frustrating!!
I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago...all excited to see what my A1C number is now. The A1C is a number that shows what the average of my blood sugar levels are for a 3 month period. When I was first diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes, my A1C was 8.1...it needs to be under 6.0. At the beginning of the year I was at 7.0 and now I am at 6.6. Again...I was setting my goals unrealistically and setting myself up for disappointment, but...I thought, for sure, I would be under 6.0 by now. So, when I heard 6.6...I was so bummed! I am still on just as much medication as I was before I started losing weight! Grrr!
I get mad at myself a lot because I set these unrealistic goals sometimes, which usually ends up with me being disappointed in myself for something that I should be proud of. But...if I don't set high standards than I am also doing myself a disservice...because I want to push myself and see what I can actually do. I just need to not get so down on myself if I miss a goal.
One thing that I really get irritated at is...if I want to see these high losses and great numbers and unrealistic goals met...then, I.. HAVE.. GOT.. TO GET.. MY DIET.. UNDER CONTROL!! Food is the key!!! I know this!! But, I can't seem to get out of my own head and comfort zone with food. I don't want to give up what I love...but I still want to lose weight!! How do I convince and control myself without actually realizing what I am doing?? Because, if I tell myself no...that makes me want it even more! First step is to QUIT buying crap that I have weaknesses for and putting them in my house! I mean...honestly...I know what I need to do. I am just having a hard time letting go. A lifetime of bad habits is hard to break.
When I look at the whole picture and what I have accomplished so far...I am really doing just fine. But, I am still just a little disappointed because I feel that I could have done so much more!
Next year, I already have some fantastic goals set up for myself. And, yes...they are unrealistic and overly ambitious. But...you know what...I have to stay true to myself and reach for the stars! How else will I find out what I can do? I am getting excited to start a new year and continue to watch this body and mind really transform. :) :)

Handling the unexpected.

I have everything planned out in my head...I know exactly what I want to do for the day/week/month...whatever. So, nothing better come up to screw it up because I will not know what to do with myself if it does!
For someone that used to be so spontaneous, I have now become a creature of routine. I don't like curve balls or for anything to come up that wasn't planned. In many ways I am very easygoing, go with the flow and I don't let too much get the best of me. But, since I have...uncomfortably...been focusing on me, I have changed in some ways. When something comes up to make that decision of "taking care of me" harder than it already is, I have a hard time reorganizing my routine.
I think the main reason for that is, I don't like to tell people "no". I am a pleaser. I want to be there for everyone, even if that means sacrificing my own plans. Don't get me wrong...I enjoy helping out... I enjoy the last minute "Wanna go to lunch?" calls... I enjoy being there for everyone. Problem is, if I have to put my exercise on hold...will I do it later? This dilemma actually causes a tailspin in my head...a battle that drives me nuts. As I said in my last post, exercising early is the way I need to start my day right. It sets my mood, and I make smarter choices.
As a mom, things come up...I understand that. But, it's still frustrating when it messes up my plans. Sydney stayed home sick Friday, so I had to cancel with my trainer. I told myself that I would do my circuit at home. Well...having a sick child means having a needy child, so now my original plan didn't pan out. On one hand, I am fine with it...on the other hand, I have failed. My compassionate and sympathetic brain tells me that it's ok, Sydney needed extra love and I want to be there for her. My perfectionist and selfish brain is beating myself up for missing out on "Activity Points" and frustrated that my "plan" got messed up.
Another wrench got thrown in on Saturday, but this one was by my own hand. Mike has been out of town, so I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could. I wanted to be able to sleep in and just have an entire "nothing's planned" day. So...again, no exercise. When I make these decisions, the thing that I struggle with mentally is the back and forth battle of "Is it ok that I just take it easy all day?" and "You really need to get your butt up and get those Activity Points!!"
I started reading this book about simplification. It says if I overload my schedule and don't allow for the simple pleasures in life, then I miss out on a lot of blessings. I miss those days of "taking it easy" and mentally being ok with that. I have put so much pressure on myself to perform, perform, perform that I am not enjoying the simple pleasures. I love exercising, but I also love the do nothing days. Now, the question is...can I do both and still be successful?
When I don't get my planned exercising in, I feel like I have failed. That sets a mood...which then triggers me to make bad choices. I eat more and not as healthy.
Again...a constant struggle of mine is...BALANCE! How do I balance everything that I want and need to do? As I have said before...life is a juggling act. I have all these balls in the air, but how do I maintain a good rhythm without dropping one? Answer is...obtain complete focus, relax my anxieties, find a comfortable stance to keep them moving, and be attentive to which ball needs to be grabbed next.
Self-awareness is so important. Where is my head at? Where is my body at? This journey is not about speed, it's about learning a new way of life. Of course I want to lose this weight really fast, but I also want to enjoy life. I am always going to push myself beyond my comfort zone, but I will also allow myself to stop and enjoy the simple pleasures if I feel too stressed. It's just finding that balance. And, also finding an inner peace that will calm the mind battles. I'll figure it out...I always do. :) :) Slow and steady, wins the race...

Keeping it real...

 

 

 

Attitude is everything!

If I wake up in a crappy mood, most likely I will have a crappy day. Unless...I do some attitude adjusting right away. One thing's for sure, I do not want my bad mood to affect everyone I come in contact with. So, I always try to stay positive and keep a smile on my face. The last thing I want is for someone to have a bad image of me in their head. When people think of me I want them to smile. :) :) :)

I love the quotes up above. They are so true! The first one goes along with anything in life. The other two, nail it on the head when it comes to exercising!

I am a P.R.O.C.R.A.S.T.I.N.A.T.O.R! It is awful!! I have all these grand ideas and only a fraction of them get half done and a select few get mostly done and maybe one gets completed. In the beginning of the year I selected a motto to live by..."Keep it Simple, Stupid!"...or, K.I.S.S. And, I can't say that I have followed it too well...but...I do repeat it to myself quite often.

I drive myself NUTS with pinning stuff on Pinterest!! Seriously...I already have enough on my plate without adding on all these awesome projects that I now want to do! So...I have given myself a self- talk. And, this is how it went...I said, "Self...Why do you torture yourself like this?? Why do you think you need to take enough 2x4's to build a house and Hodge Podge every picture to it? Why do you pin hundreds of recipes that will immediately overstimulate your brain to shut down and then not cook any of them?" Again..."Queen of Good Intentions...a Fool at Follow Through" So, this was my reply..."Ok...I will stop trying to turn myself into a basket case by overwhelming my brain with all of this!" Projects are great here and there, but I need to regain my focus and worry about things that matter!

This leads me to K.I.S.S...don't over-complicate...take one thing at a time. If my plans are laid out and organized, my brain feels free...free of clutter...free to relax. I am again working on making monthly plans. But...I'm taking one category at a time this time. I am notorious for trying to plan out everything all at once..."just to get it done". And, by doing that...yes, they're all done, but not really to my satisfaction. So...I don't use them.

So, the first monthly plan I have done is, my exercise plan...which is the easiest. I have really grown to love exercise! For the very reason of getting my "attitude adjustment". When I exercise right after I drop my kids off at school...those are the best days! I feel energized...I feel accomplished...and I feel proud of myself. That changes my whole attitude, so I make better choices for the rest of the day. Usually. I hate the days that I try to convince myself to not give it my all.  And then, fail to do what I know I needed to do. I usually end up in a pissed off, screw it kind of mood that day. That is why, it was important for me to sit down and plan out my exercise. I wrote down each day and listed all the options that I had for each day. I refuse to force myself to do something that isn't enjoyable. If I don't like what I'm doing, I won't want to do it. And, I change it up day to day and week to week....that also keeps my body changing and my mind entertained. December is tough because of all the added chaos of the holidays. But...I made it work and I will definitely get my exercise in 6 days a week.

My next monthly plan is FOOD! It's not done, but I have simplified my expectations of how I normally try to organize it. I am sensitive to the fact that life is busy...so...K.I.S.S. Once this plan is done...it will be so rewarding because I have been procrastinating this one for MONTHS!

I have also added on an extra special challenge for myself. I have decided to go NO SUGAR, at least until my year anniversary, but even after that...very little. Maybe just some chocolate every so often. Crazy, right?? Especially starting it now, when all the baking is going on! The reason why is...I was looking at my progress over these past few months, and I have only lost 20 lbs since July. That is NOT the progress that I wanted. So...I have amped up my exercise, taken away sugar and when I get this meal plan done...I'll be good to go!! I am excited for this challenge and to see how much determination I have! I can totally do this!! Here's to a December that the weight will come off! Unheard of! But...completely possible!

 



A Special Glimpse.

It's time to start saying good bye to that fat girl that I have known for so long.
I have hit a milestone that I have been SO eager to reach for a LONG time!! I'm under 300 lbs!!!! WOO HOO!! These past 8+ weeks have been very frustrating! I have been yo-yoing 10 lbs for 9 weeks...just struggling with all kinds of crap. What an emotional feeling it is to FINALLY break that cycle and see a 200 number! THIS is just what I need to jumpstart this weight loss again and really start seeing the pounds and inches come off again. But now, those stinkin' holidays are coming! This is SO unfair!!
So...getting back to saying good bye to the fat girl. Or...should I say, morbidly obese girl...that is what my official "medical" description is, you know. Nice, right?!? So, we'll start by saying good-bye to that one first. I'm not real sure what the weight ranges for these lovely titles are, and honestly, I really don't care. I'm just going to get rid of it, because...well...I don't like it! Don't get me wrong...I realize I am far from thin...but losing these 75 lbs has really given me a taste of what it's like to not be "morbidly obese".
I have been a "fat girl" all of my life. Not necessarily because I was fat, but because I was always bigger than most of the girls my age. Therefore, I was the "fat girl". And, this is what I had to deal with daily. I was forced to accept it, which meant, I had to figure out how to handle it. Some days I was strong and brushed it off, but some days, I just cried. People can be so hurtful with the things they say...especially kids!
There is so much more involved with this weight loss journey than I thought. It's not just about losing weight and getting my body healthy. It's about healing myself emotionally and psychologically as well. When your teased about being fat all of your life, you end up believing it and it becomes who you are. And those scars, don't just go away when you lose the weight. I have grown up in a mind set of "I'm too fat." "I can't do it, it's too hard" "I can't fit". These are thoughts that are natural reactions to most situations. It's the first response...it has been the only response. So, getting out of that mind set is tricky. It takes a lot of positive self talk and words of encouragement. Which let's just face it, I'm not good at. It's much easier to tell myself what's wrong than what's right. So, the mind set transition may be a lot slower than the actual weight loss. But, lucky for me, I have a lot of special people in my life that help me with that.
So, here is a special glimpse into my head and some of the thoughts that are associated with being an oversized woman. It's almost like panic mode some of the time because of the fear of embarrassment. Whenever I go to a restaurant, I am freaking out about where they will seat us. Will it be a booth? I can't fit into a booth. Will it be too close to someone, to the point that I can't pull my chair out enough? Will the server just cringe when I order because they think 'She should not be eating that! She shouldn't be eating at all!'. It makes eating out more stressful than it needs to be.
When I go to a theater or arena for a movie, concert, sporting event or whatever, I am so stressed out about if I'll fit into the seat. I also make sure I sit on the end, so if I have to get up, I'm not walking over a bunch of strangers with my big butt in their face.
My size is the issue! Will I fit??? Everywhere I go. Will I fit??? It sucks!!! Going to a public restroom...getting into someone else's car...flying on an airplane. It is the same script that goes through my head. It's a script that is engraved in my brain. Will...I...fit?
Sometimes, it's my weight and physical limitations...not my size that worries me. And, the phrase that I repeat in these circumstances is..."I can't physically do this." This is something I am trying to overcome during my training sessions each week. When I gained the weight, I lost a lot of strength. So, convincing myself that I am stronger and can move my body better is tough. I look at some of these exercises and think, "Are you serious?!? There is NO way I can do this! Do you realize how much weight I have to hold up?!" And...to my surprise, I give it a try and I can do it! It's getting past the barriers that I have built in my head, of what I am capable of, that is the hardest part.
This is why those small victories mean so much to me. I am making progress towards deleting those scripts that have been engraved into my brain. Every time I can fit into a seat comfortably, put on a shirt that is a size smaller, walk on the treadmill a little faster and longer, do that exercise that seemed impossible...I am one step closer to "fat girl" freedom!
There are a lot of hurdles, psychologically, that I need to overcome. I understand this. This milestone was HUGE! When I think about losing 75 lbs...I catch myself being negative and thinking, it's not that big of a deal. Because, I know I have SO much more to lose. But, then I stop the negative thoughts and acknowledge just how much weight that is. It is more than what Sydney weighs...I have lost the equivalent of a first grader and then some. That is something to be proud of! And, I need to remember that!!
My next big milestone...100 lbs!!! I don't think I will set a time goal. Ideally, I would LOVE to hit it by my year anniversary in January, but I am also realistic to the challenges of life. Doesn't mean I'm not going to try my hardest though!! ;) Now it's time to blow through those 200's!! I AM READY!!

Finding balance.

Some days I am my worst enemy!
I swear I can get into my own head and really screw with myself! If there is something that I don't want to do, I can rationalize why it's ok not to do it. Not really a talent that is beneficial to my progress. I have the hardest time pushing myself sometimes! I guess that's natural, I just wish it wasn't so frequent.
Sometimes I wonder if, subconsciously, I am afraid to be thin. It is foreign territory for me. I know I'm not even close to being thin right now...but, I am about to be under 300 lbs for the first time in 8 1/2 years. That is just hard for me to imagine. I still remember the day that I hit 300 lbs...not one that I look fondly on, but it stuck with me. My SIL and I were talking about getting in shape and "buddying" up to support each other. So we made posters with goals and some other things on it, to get us charged up and ready to go. We had to weigh ourselves so we'd have a starting point...that was the day I hit over 300. I couldn't believe it!! How did I let myself get that heavy?? Little did I know then, that I would eventually reach 375 lbs...incomprehensible!!
During those 8 years...I was pissed and bitter at the world and in a self-hate mode a lot of the time. How could I let this happen? Why can't I eat what I want and not gain weight? I didn't understand. So...to get back at the world...I ate. Sounds mature, right? Well...I was young and stupid. I'm not saying that I've got it all figured out now...because I don't! But, at least I am smart enough now to realize and admit that my way of thinking back then, was only hurting myself. I just wish it was smart enough to listen.
So...here I am, 35 years old and still dealing with the same inner voices convincing myself to misbehave. Will I ever grow out of that? Eventually, I hope. Although...misbehaving can keep things more fun. As long as it's not illegal, right? I think I am just too hard on myself. It's a give and take...just like in any relationship. Allow myself to have slack off days, but keep diligent the majority of the time. If I'm not enjoying life and what I'm doing, then I won't stick with it.
The secret is finding that balance. How do I balance work and play?? That is the question that stumps most people. I know it does my husband. There are so many things I want to do, need to do and have to do. How do I organize my day to get it all done? Prioritize. What's most important? And, let me just tell you...that changes minute to minute based on my mood! Also...by level of enjoyment. ;) Anyway...everyone has a different formula for how to balance their lives. Some days it works and some days it totally bombs. The best thing we can do is keep our head up, try again, learn from our mistakes and move on.
Life throws so many curve balls. Just stay focused...keep your eye on the ball and knock it out of the park! That's what I have to tell myself whenever I get frazzled and overwhelmed. One day at a time. It'll happen...just stay focused!
In the meantime...I'll just have to keep fighting with my inner voices. They are persistent little buggers!! But, I am stronger and louder and I will win in the end!

Thankful for me

We don't often take the time to express "Thanks" to ourselves. We are always too busy worrying about everything else. Last November, I wrote a post that had lists of top 10 things I love about me. I'm not going to do that this time. But...I am going to take a moment and give myself a pat on the back for being me.
I have been noticing so many small things that I have been able to do physically lately since I have lost weight. It is a strange feeling to be quite honest. Since high school, I have been gaining weight. So, the only feelings that I have had about myself have been those of disgust and disappointment. I lost weight after Sydney was born, but for some reason, even though it was 55 lbs, it never made an impact on me. But, my weight loss this time, has made a huge impact on me!
You can't imagine, unless you're the same size as me, the constant state of embarrassment that goes along with being a 300+ pound woman/mother/wife. Every time I walk into a room, I feel like there is this huge spotlight on me because of how big I am. I get stares and sometimes even comments about it. I walked past a kid at the park one day, and he just looked at me and gasped, and made some comment...I don't remember now what that comment was. But...what I do remember, was his reaction when he saw me walk by. Those things stick with you, whether you want them to or not. People can be so cruel.
I have always had a good sense of humor, it's in my personality. And, thank goodness for that!! My sense of humor is what helped me survive the hard times of growing up in a body that wasn't thin like a lot of my peers. I would usually make some kind of joke about myself in order to "break the ice" and get it out there...that way I could feel more comfortable socially. Kind of weird, I know. But, as a self-conscious person and one that hates whispers, I would much rather have the honesty start from me. That way nobody feels like they have to whisper. If I'm open about it, then they can be open about it too. I know I probably draw more attention to it than I should, but that's just how I dealt with it and still do, for that matter.
Now, going back to why I'm thankful for me. I am so proud of myself for all the hard work that I have been doing to make this life change. I have surprised myself in so many ways. As stupid as I feel exercising at home all by myself or in front of my trainer...I still do it. As frustrating as it is to not be able to stuff my face with a huge plate of junk food...I somehow manage to control myself. Most of the time. ;) I am thankful that I didn't lose hope. I am thankful that I believe in myself and I know that I will succeed. I am thankful that I have been humbled and admitted that I need help. I am thankful that I can be aware of my weaknesses and make adjustments accordingly.
I went to Aviation Nation yesterday, and for the first time in years, I was at a "walking" event with energy to walk. Normally, my weight would drag me down and I would poop out without even doing much. I would dread these kinds of events because I never enjoyed them. It was more work for me than it was fun because of my lack of energy. But...this time I was raring to go...I was walking and walking and just really enjoying myself! What a great feeling that was!! It was just another "small victory" that makes all this hard work worth it!
So...during this month of "Thanks" I will say this...I am thankful for the courage and strength that I have demonstrated over the past 10 months in making such a difficult lifestyle change. I am thankful for the drive and dedication that I have shown in completing the goals that I have set. I am thankful for having the patience necessary to forgive myself when I fall and to be understanding when it doesn't come easy. I am thankful that I have been able to put myself first in order to get healthy, so I can live a long life with my family.
I encourage all of my supporters...all of whom I am also SO thankful for...to do this as well. Be thankful for you!!

So thankful.

Since we've moved and I have been busy with settling into our new home. And, I usually decorate for every holiday. But...I didn't for Halloween this year because I was so tired of unpacking and having my house a mess...I didn't want to create another mess to have to clean up. Which was kind of a bummer because I feel so unfestive. So, after giving myself some time to enjoy my new house, I got  the desire and energy to pull out my decorations. And, with Halloween being only a few days away, I skipped that and went right to Thanksgiving. I have to say that, one thing that Thanksgiving does is help me to reflect on all the things that I am thankful for. So, I am going to jump the gun and start early with the "giving thanks".
I feel that I am usually pretty aware of how fortunate I am for all that I have, but I don't always verbalize it. As talkative as I am, I am not good at being mushy face to face. I am much better at writing it, so that is what I'm going to do.
What I am most thankful for are the people in my life.
We'll start with my husband. This man is a rare breed! I met him when I was 19 and he was the first real relationship that I have ever been in. So, I am very blessed to not have had to deal with the relationship heartaches and nightmares that I hear about so often. We have been best friends since day one. We rarely argue and almost always see eye to eye. When we do disagree, we discuss our point of view and respect each others opinion. And, when we just can't see eye to eye, we agree to disagree. He is my rock! I can always count on him to help me when I'm having a rough day or having troubles with something. He is so compassionate and thoughtful, he genuinely wants me to be happy and never have to worry about anything. He is more than willing to help out with the kids and housework. Which is awesome! He is the kind of dad that, from the very beginning, was 100% by my side with everything involving the kids. Diapers, bath time, feeding time, play time, doctor's visits...you name it...as long as work wasn't in the way, he was there...and still is. Housework, it's the same thing. More than willing to help out where it's needed...and he gives it 110% all the time. I just love this man!! What a LUCKY girl I am!! Something that I am very thankful for is, how patient and understanding and non judgemental he has been over the past 15 years with my weight issues. At my heaviest, I was 200 lbs heavier than when we met. And, he has watched me...helpless...put on this weight and go on countless diets only to give up. He has put up with my mood swings and self esteem issues for a long time. And, he is so amazing because no matter what size I was, he always made me feel beautiful. He always supports me in every decision I make and is always there if things don't work out or I just give up. He doesn't get mad, he just comforts me and tells me everything will be ok. Yet, he still offers advice and guidance to help me to see where things went wrong or just understanding me when I couldn't push myself hard enough. I am SO thankful to have him in my life.
My parents...a constant, unconditional love and support system! I have a relationship with my parents that most kids dream of. All of my life they have been so involved in everything I do. They knew the perfect combination of giving me the freedom to learn and express myself along with the rules and restrictions of still being a kid. They treated me with respect and listened to my opinions...and they still do. I have never understood how kids can be so hateful and not want to be around their parents. I have always loved hanging out with my parents! I have so many great memories of family trips, holidays, fun day trips, going to sporting events...the list goes on and on. They have always been so supportive with all of my decisions...whether they agreed or not...they supported me. They offered their opinion and understood when I didn't listen. As a kid...and still as an adult...I have to learn for myself! Call me stupid, glutton for punishment or just determined to do it my way...that's just how I am. They have been so understanding with my weight problems and are always there to help me in any way that they can. A while back they even joined WW with me to help offer that buddy support that is so necessary when trying to lose weight. I, however, quit because it was too hard. They are always sharing recipes or things they've learned to help educate me and encourage me. One thing that both of them have always been great at is praising me and complimenting me all the time. They are fantastic at boosting my self esteem! I love them so much and I am so thankful to have been blessed with such great parents!
There are some other great people that have come into my life in the recent years that I am also very thankful for. One is my trainer Aimee.
Aimee and I hit it off from day one. She is such a kind and compassionate person. One thing that is so helpful for me is the fact that she understands the struggles of weight loss and eating. She is so encouraging and understanding whenever I am having a hard time. She pushes me and knows what I am capable of before I do. She does not treat me like just another client, she treats me like a true friend and genuinely wants me to succeed. I honestly could not have made it this far in my weight loss journey without her! She has put so much heart and time into getting my butt in shape that it would kill me to disappoint her. Don't get me wrong, I am doing this for me too. But...it is so helpful to have someone to answer to. She knows just what to say to help me understand that I am human, I will have hard times, and it's ok. Just keep pushing myself because it will be so worth it. She is a true gem and I am so thankful that I have her in my corner!
I have also made some other great friends over the years. And, some of them have really taken on an important role in my life with all of the love and support that they offer me. I am not going to name everyone...this post is already long enough! ;)  I will just say this...during any difficult, life changing journey it is so important to have great people in your life. I have been blessed with so many friends that have become such fantastic cheerleaders, I can't express enough how much that means to me!!
I think, one of the main reasons that I have been so successful with my weight loss this far, is because of all the kind words that so many of you offer. I am one that needs lots of reassurance and praise...I'm pretty needy that way. :) I am sure it can be pretty irritating to some, but, hey...at least I acknowledge it! Although...that doesn't mean that I will change it! LOL! So...with that being said, please continue to feed my neediness, and keep those compliments coming because I am very thankful for them!! ;)

Back to normal.

Let me just tell you how wonderful it is to be back to normal!!! Well...as normal as a mother of 3 can be! I can't even imagine having more kids!! A BIG shout out to all my friends that are completely NUTS and have more than 3!! You know what...a BIG shout out to ANY mother!! Being a mother is the greatest gift in the world, but it sure does take a toll on us mommy's...emotionally and physically!
But...I'll tell you what...if you can squeeze in any time everyday to take care of yourself, it is so worth it!! Yes, there is guilt...I've been there. But, after you see what a difference it makes, the guilt goes away! Doing something everyday, for yourself...whether it's exercise, reading, taking a bubble bath, writing in a journal...it doesn't matter. We are SO important to our kids and it is crucial that we take care of ourselves the way that they deserve!
It has taken me 10 years to figure that out! Mainly because I was stubborn, in denial, didn't want to change and pissed off and bitter that I needed to change! I honestly never thought I could ever get to 375 lbs. I just thought that every time I ate an enormous, unhealthy meal...it was like no big deal. I have small kids, I am plenty active to burn off those calories. NOT!! It takes A LOT of activity to burn off a small amount of calories...I know this now.
I have been on so many diets over the years. And, each one, I was sure that it would be the one that worked! Ya...well...little did I know...the diet is a very small part of the equation in the outcome of success. The larger part is ourselves. How important is it?? How important are we to ourselves, to be willing to make so many sacrifices in order to succeed?? It's tough!  As mom, a woman, a wife, whatever...every day is stressful...period. When I'm stressed out, I want to eat!! But...is food that important?? So, I think of my kids. I think of my husband, raising our kids without me. I think of missing out on so many things.  And, the answer to that question is...NO! Although, I have to say...that food sometimes wins. Sometimes it gets the best of me. But...it is becoming less and less of a battle. It will never go away, but I am getting better at calming myself down before I turn to food.
My whirlwind of a month of stress, was a true test for me to see how I well I can handle food. I had a lot of up's and down's...and big ones! I gained 3 weeks in a row totaling 6.6 lbs. The next 2 weeks I lost big...4.2 lbs and 5.8 lbs. After that I gained 5.6 lbs (it wasn't 6.4 like I thought, the lady added wrong). Then last week I lost 5 lbs. Like I said...BIG up's and down's. Even though I was all over the place with my weight, I managed to maintain through this whole phase. That is HUGE for me!! In the past I would have totally used this as an excuse to completely fall off the wagon and not look back. I would have convinced myself that it was fine and I would start again soon...whenever that would be.
Well not this time!! As hard as it is to exercise as much as I do. As irritating as it is to track everything that I eat. I am LOVING this journey!! I have experienced some awesome things that I haven't experienced in a LONG time!! I went to the movie theater with my family and I sat in the seat...and get this...my hips were not squeezed to death by the armrests! What a great feeling!! I ordered shirts online in a size XL...which I haven't worn in years...and guess what...they fit!!!
Once again...it's the little victories, that make this SO fun!
Now that my life is back to normal, I have planned out my exercise routine, adding in a lot of new things. I am eating better and still working on a meal plan...this one overwhelms me more than the exercise does. But, I'm getting there. I have challenged myself to change up some of my old habits and start adding in new ones. Like...going to bed earlier, this one is very hard because I LOVE nighttime. And, I also want to read more...another hard one because it is difficult for me to get engaged in a book quick enough to stick with it. But, that is why it's called a challenge.
Patience...just remember patience.
So, my next big milestone should hopefully be coming very soon!! I am less than 5 lbs away from being under 300 lbs!! I haven't seen that in over 8 years!! That will bring my total to 75 lbs! UNREAL!! :) :)

Venting...

Ok...I need to vent and let it ALL out in order for me to move on!! And, this is just the place to do it.
I am throwing myself a pity party, so get prepared for some fun!
I am SO pissed off at myself right now! And, I have no one to blame but myself.
I went to WW today instead of my normal Thursday morning weigh in day. I did it mainly to get it over with and see what damage I caused. Are you ready for this??? I gained a whopping 6.4 lbs! That's right...6.4 lbs!! My awesome 5.8 weight loss last week...down the drain! GRRRR!
And, to top it all off, I knew exactly what I was doing, but I did it anyway. Who does that?!?! ME!! I am awful at "give an inch, take a mile"...I don't think the word "moderation" exists in my vocabulary.
So, this is what started it. Last Thursday was the wedding...so far so good...ate a little over my WW points, no problem. Friday started out ok...gradually got out of control. Friday night went to the M&M Factory and of course, bought M&M's (imagine that!)...first bad move! Then, went to a buffet...really NOT GOOD! All self-control...completely out the window!! Saturday...the M&M bags and I became very close...we bonded...it was love...I was hooked! It didn't matter that I wanted to throw up because the taste was too good to resist! Sunday...I'm ready to get back on track, all the chaos was coming to a close...I'm siked mentally and rarin' to go. Which is obvious if you read my last post. It's funny how quickly the tables can turn...the joys of being an emotional woman! Monday morning...still ok. I started my circuit and it felt great, but I got interrupted and then I talked myself into not finishing it. BIG MISTAKE!! That is when ALL hell broke loose!!
Since, I have been on the Go...Go...Go for a couple of months...I said to myself, "You know what, Jill. You deserve a couple days off. Don't worry about exercise or points till Thursday. After weigh in...no more excuses! Just relax, rest up and enjoy it." Well, let me just tell you...did I do just that! I ate everything I could find and a lot of it! Hence...the 6.4 lb weight gain.
So, this is why I am pissed. Why do I feel the need to completely go nuts?? I didn't need to eat like that! I could have rested by not working out and still eat healthy. But, I chose not to...and all the while asking myself, "Why are you doing this? Why are you cramming a whole pizza and 10 cookies into your mouth right now?? You are taking away the awesome weight loss you just had last week, and for what?!?" And then...I can't answer myself...I don't know how to answer myself. I am completely unfazed...I just want to eat. Something switches in my brain once I give myself a little freedom and then all my self control is gone! It is so frustrating!! I am just sick with guilt, but then, I do it again. Why?? Why?? Why?? All I can say is, thank goodness I don't drink alcohol or do drugs!
I am not someone that likes to admit that I am having problems...but, then again who does? I'm fine with having struggles...I just don't want anyone else to see them. I am at a point right now where I need to refocus...get my head back in it like it was before. I will be relying heavily on my loved ones for motivation and praise. We all need it! Some times more than others.
When I'm in my right mind...I know how well I've done and I know how much I'm capable of.  I am ready for the challenges that will come while conquering this quest. And, I have the inner strength to make the right choices.
But...when I'm in my "why me?" mind...my ability to say no to temptation becomes weaker and weaker. My ability to reason the most irrational thoughts becomes stronger and stronger. And, I make excuses for everything.
I do understand that is life...so take it as an opportunity to learn. Which is what I'll do...whether I want to or not!
I am a person that won't let things drag me down! I am an open communicator and I'm not afraid to speak my mind...which gets me in trouble a lot!! I don't hold grudges. I admit when I am at fault.
These decisions that I have made were not smart. But, I will forgive myself and not let it drag me down! Live and learn, right?
My life is back to normal. I got my inner rebelliousness out of the way.
So now...I am going to put on my boxing gloves and beat the crap out of my inner demons. Grab the bull by the horns and surprise myself with what I can do!
As I said last week..."GAME ON!!" And...this time, I mean it!!

I'm back! Game ON!!

My month and half of chaos is now complete! WHEW!! What a whirlwind of activities, events and stress! I don't think I have ever had such a busy schedule for this long in my life!
I feel like I have been in a hole, away from all my friends and family forever. But now, it's time to reconnect with everyone and everything that have been put off for so long.
I am excited to get back to my normal exercising again! Aimee has really amped up my workouts. And, I can't wait to get started and see what this body is capable of!! :)
I am also excited to start cooking in my new kitchen and stop eating out and eating crap all the time. My mission for the next few days is getting my family back on a good routine! Which means, I need to sit down and work on meal plans, chore charts and all kinds of things to keep us organized.
I was looking back at the past 8-9 months and checking out my progress and how much weight and inches I've lost each month. It's interesting to compare numbers from month to month and see which months were better than the others. And, then try to figure out why. So here is the break down...
Month 1:   Weight:  -18.2 lbs   Inches: -11.25
Month 2:   Weight:  -6.2 lbs     Inches: -9.0
Month 3:   Weight:  -12.4 lbs   Inches: -4.0
Month 4:   Weight:  -7.0 lbs     Inches: -7.0
Month 5:   Weight:  -9.0 lbs     Inches: -6.75
Month 6:   Weight:  -6.4 lbs     Inches: -3.5
Month 7:   Weight:  -6.4 lbs     Inches: -2.0
Month 8:    Weight: -4.4 lbs     Inches: haven't taken yet
***The measurement numbers are actually a little higher each month because I only had the measurement for one arm and one leg (not both) and I didn't have the neck measurements to figure in either.
The reason I wanted to break it down like this was because I wanted to see just how badly I did during my "funk" month and my chaotic month compared to the other months. And, honestly, I didn't do that bad. I didn't do as well...but it could have been A LOT worse!  I may not have been as strict or kept to the "normal" exercise routine, but I still managed to lose weight and inches!! And, I am HAPPY with that!! :) :)
Here are a couple of pictures to compare my progress...one from a little over a year ago and one taken last week. I haven't taken too many pictures of myself recently...old habits die hard when it comes to posing for pictures. I have avoided getting in them for a long time. I guess I better get over that, if I want pictures to look back on to see my progress during this.

 

 

This isn't the best comparison, but I don't have many pictures to choose from unfortunately.

And, let me just tell you how AWESOME it was to put on that dress, and not feel like a big, fat cow! I was tickled pink because I could actually see the difference and I could feel the difference!! It just goes to show, that these 9 months of hard work have paid off! What a GREAT feeling that is!!

Now...I am ready... to get my butt back in gear...FULL force!! It's ALL about ME again!!

Sorry if that sounds selfish, but that is what has to happen in order to get to my goal. And, by doing that, I am also getting my family back on track. So, by focusing on me...it helps my family too. If I eat well...so do they. If I get my exercise in...I have the energy to give my kids the attention that they need. When I do those things, I am happy with myself, which improves my moods...and that makes me a better and more patient mom.

So, even though I feel guilty putting myself first...I have to remember how many things it helps by doing so!! It's really hard some days. But...I am worth it!! 

Be patient.

I always feel bad when I complain that I am stressed or I have so much to do. I always feel like a whiner that can't handle a simple curve ball.
Even though I may complain when things get too busy or chaotic, I never forget what a great life that I have. When I take a look at my life, the first thing that I think is "I am SO blessed!!" I am blessed because I have a fantastic family, fantastic friends, Mike has a great job that pays well and allows me to be a stay-at-home mom comfortably, we are all in good health (and, I hope I didn't just jinx anything!), and the list goes on and on!
So, the reason I don't like to complain is because I feel like, "Really...what do I have to complain about??" But, you know what...regardless of my situation in life or how blessed that I am, I still struggle with things. I still need help. I still get stressed. I still have things that bother me. I still have selfish moments where I just want more and more. And, that is just fine. I am human.
I tend to compare myself to other people a lot. And, I am sure most of you do the same. ;) What I have come to realize that by doing that is, I lose focus on myself, my family and what works for us. Just because so and so can manage 10 kids with a husband that is never home and still looks perfectly put together and never raises her voice at her kids...doesn't mean that I should be able to do the same. I manage things the way that I manage things...there is no right or wrong...it's just my way. Plain and simple.
We all have strengths and weaknesses.
My weakness is that I have no patience. I want things done a certain way. I want things done immediately when I ask. I want my kids to act respectful at all times. I don't want to have hiccups during my weight loss. And, I want to be able to accomplish too many tasks in not enough time.
Now...my strength is...that I have common sense. I realize that everything that I just said is completely absurd and unachievable. My strength is knowing that I don't have to have the patience of Job. I just need to be able to accept mistakes. Live and learn.
Although, this month was trying on my patience and very stressful. It was necessary for me to figure things out about myself. So, I am grateful for it. I have learned that I can fail, but then still pick myself up and keep on trying. I used to say "Screw it!" and give up. But, not this time! I gained 3 weeks in a row. It made me SO mad! But, the only one to blame was myself because I was the one that didn't follow plan. I understand that. I accept that. I forgave myself. I then turned it around and had a great weigh in this week. I lost 4.2 lbs!! I still have a couple more to lose to get back to where I was, but that won't take long.
I think the biggest lesson that I learned was, that...it isn't that I need to learn patience for others, it is that I need to learn patience with myself.
This journey is taking longer than I had anticipated, but as long as I am getting good results I am ok with that. This journey is more than just numbers on a scale or tape measure, it's about growing up and it's about self discovery. Although...I still want to see those numbers drop!! And quickly too!! So much for patience, huh... ;)

Stress and Disconnecting.

Food. I love food. I hate food. Food is constantly on my mind. Why does it hold so much power over me?? I just don't know.
This past week, in my mind, I totally blew it! I know that's not a compassionate way of thinking, but it is still how I feel. I have gained 3 weeks in a row...a total of 6.6 pounds that I am going to have to lose all over again! It's frustrating to say the least!
Sometimes the temptations of food are just too much for me to resist. I wish that I enjoyed the healthy foods as much as the unhealthy foods, but no such luck. Maybe some day.
I have had an unusually busy and stressful couple of months. And, the scale is proving that I don't always handle stress well. If I have a lot on my mind or a lot of things I need to do...the last things I want to worry about are cooking, planning, grocery shopping, or anything involving extra time away from my projects. I have gotten so use to eating out over the years that when my life gets chaotic, that's what I do. It's just easier. And, to make matters worse, when I'm stressed out, all I want to eat is junk.
Over the past several weeks, I have been gradually getting worse with my healthy choices. But, this week, I completely ignored all rules and points and tracking. And, the result was gaining 4 lbs. Granted, we moved this week, so it was much harder to do things normally, but still. One way of looking at it is, I have been so diligent since January. And, I have really done well at staying on track and moving in the right direction. So, this week was my free pass to indulge on some of those things that I have been missing. And, that's just what I did...I over-indulged!!
I ended up asking for extra help from my trainer/therapist to try to figure out why I have started this pattern again. One thing that I have learned about myself, is I don't do well with moderation. I am also afraid that, if I allow myself to be lenient, it will start a snowball effect of bad choices.
So, I sat down with Aimee so she could help me understand what I'm going through. The one thing she said that I do is, I use food to disconnect. If I am stressed out and want an escape, that's when food is the most comfort to me. It helps me disconnect. So, she wants me to dig deeper into my feelings and face them. What is bothering me?? What am I disconnecting from??
I like to always stay positive and convince myself that everything is just fine. If I allow myself to admit that something is hard or I don't know how to manage something, I feel weak. I am a very independent person when it comes to dealing with my problems...which is just what they are, my problems. So, food is where I go to "talk" about things. Mainly because I don't have to say much or explain myself. Food just comforts and helps me relax. But, I am learning the hard way, that food is doing just the opposite. The only thing that it has helped me do is, gain 200 lbs...and how comforting is that?!?
All in all, I have to allow myself to get serious...quit pulling the wool over my own eyes. Face my problems. Ask for help. I use humor all the time to cope with the stresses of life...which is great for the most part. But, sometimes, I just need to be serious in order to get a good look at what's deeper. As hard as that will be for me...that is what is necessary to learn and grow. I do feel that I have grown a lot already, but there is so much more that I need to learn!
So, I will take this week...accept it...own it...and forget about it. I will move on...push forward...be aware of my feelings...and get back on track!! This journey is FAR from over!! I have so much more that I am capable of! Bring it!!

Perfection

Let me just tell you how nice it is to have a trainer that is also a lifestyle and weight management coach. She not only wants me to be healthy physically...she wants me to be healthy mentally! And getting healthy mentally is a lot more challenging!!
Lately, I have needed a lot more help mentally and Aimee recognizes that. What a blessing it is to have someone like her to push me to my limits...to make me take a good hard look at my behaviors... and force me to admit things that I don't want to or feel stupid if I do.
I was talking to Mike the other night about things that have been bugging me lately. Although, this time, I was a little hesitant to talk to him about it. I have noticed over the past month or so that I have been struggling with making smart food choices and having the desire to exercise. And, the reason I was hesitant to say anything to Mike, was because, he has seen me time and time again, start a weight loss program and eventually give up. And, I didn't want him to think that, and then be disappointed because he'd think that I was giving up again. Because I am NOT giving up. I am just struggling a little more right now. And, bless his heart...I can ALWAYS count on him to make me feel better! He was completely understanding, and explained it to me in a way that really helped me be ok with what I'm going through. He said that, what I am experiencing right now is the same thing that marathon runners go through...they run for several miles with total focus and then they hit what they call "a wall". A point in time during their run, where it just gets so hard to keep going. A point in time, where they have to force themselves, mentally, to just keep running. So, this is the point in my run, that I have hit a wall.
So, now what?!?
Well...this is the perfect time to get a little coaching. Why have I hit a wall?? What is going on in my head that has changed?? As much as I like to feel like I have it ALL together and can manage everything on my own...I can't. I need help. I need a little guidance...I need someone to help me see what I can't see. And, thank heavens for Aimee, because she helps me do just that!
Perfectionist.
There it is. One word.
I...am...a...perfectionist. A perfectionist in what I expect from myself.
One of my triggers for eating...which was another thing Aimee helped me realize...is the feeling of disappointment. And, seeing as I expect myself to do everything perfectly every time...I experience a lot of disappointment. So, here is my cycle...I make a plan or routine...I don't get something done...I am disappointed in myself for not being "perfect"...I eat...
In July and August and now September, there were a lot of different things going on, that put wrenches in the routines that I have been doing for so long. At first it was ok, but after awhile I was getting more and more out of my routine. Which has made me feel out of control...which means that things are not perfectly how I want them to be. I am stressed out because I am not being "perfect" with my exercise and eating. I am "disappointed" in myself because I am having a hard time making myself a priority.
So, Aimee helped me understand that my inner voice is one that is a drill sergeant or a task manager. I am constantly yelling at myself, internally, for not being better or more diligent. I try to push myself with a negative voice, one that makes me just want to clinch my fists and refuse to appease. I didn't realize that I did that. Don't get me wrong...I completely understand that I need to push myself! But, as Aimee put it, I need to change my inner voice. I need to be more compassionate, more accepting, and more forgiving if I don't do something perfectly. If I learn to do that...I will be that much more successful.
What I have to do is, treat myself like I would my kids. When they come to me with a problem or tell me about a mistake that they made. I am compassionate, I try to figure out what to say to help them get through it or fix it. And, I do so with a kind voice. Usually... ;)

I just need to tell myself...in a compassionate and kind voice...that it's ok to make mistakes. Learn from them and move on. It's ok, to not do everything perfectly. Just keep on trying and be forgiving. I have set some big goals for myself and this little "wall" is not going to keep me from achieving them! I am going to take this rope of self discovery and pull myself right over that wall! I will prevail!!

Never a dull moment...

Life.
No matter how many times I say, "Oh, after this week or after this month things will calm down." It NEVER happens!!
That's life...
Never a dull moment!! Once you get through one stressful event, another one comes along!
Time to just accept it and not let it throw me off course. Be flexible! Be creative! Be consistent!
For the past month, I have been saying, "Once the kids go back to school, things will get better. I will be able to get back into my routine." Well...guess what?!? It hasn't! Things have gotten even more nuts! September has turned out to be a crazy busy month! First of all, we are moving...so I have to pack my house. And to add to that, I am throwing a bridal shower, having a birthday party for Sydney, have to get my new house unpacked and beautified in two weeks for the wedding rehearsal dinner, have all of Mike's family in town for the wedding and finally be the BEST darn matron of honor for my sister in law (more like my real sister, though)! Whew!! Oh, and a lot of church responsibilities in the midst of all that too. But, don't get me wrong...I LOVE every single one of these things! It's just keeping me very busy!!
And, when I get "outside" disturbances that interfere with MY schedule, I tend to make excuses as to why I should put my schedule on hold till things "calm down". I have come to realize that...I just can't do that! I have to "Be flexible! Be creative! Be consistent!" otherwise I will never get to my goal. I may have to get up earlier or find other ways of getting the activity in...just don't put it off! Because once you put it off...and talk yourself into being ok with it...it's that much easier to keep doing that. Push...Push...Push!! Keep the momentum going!! Embrace challenges! It will only make me that much stronger! Sure...it will be stressful, but you know what...that's life!!
Since, I have been a little more relaxed with my normal exercise routine, I have noticed myself eating more and craving more unhealthy foods. Another BIG reason as to why I need to not let anything interfere with my exercise. Exercising regularly, for me, really helps me to make smarter food choices. And, one thing that I have learned, is that I can exercise all day every day, but if I eat like crap, my results will be slow going. And...I don't want that! Food has been the hardest adjustment for me. I have all these plans and ideas in my head as to how I want to eat. I know that planning and preparing my meals/snacks ahead of time is key to my success. It's just motivating and forcing my butt to do it that's the challenge. So...that is really what I need to focus on! I need to allow myself the time needed to plan out my meals and snacks...allow myself the time needed to prepare things ahead of time. If the healthy food is ready to go...I won't grab the unhealthy convenience food. Be diligent! Be patient! Be prepared!
"Weight Loss Journey"...that's exactly what it is...a journey. I am constantly learning new things and having to rethink something that I'm doing. I wish I knew all the answers and exactly what I need to do, but I don't. I am taking this day by day and staying open minded to change. This is a life altering experience for sure. I am having a hard time wrapping my brain around that fact that I have lost almost 70 pounds and I have made some huge changes in just 8 months. What an awesome feeling that is!! These little hiccups that I have been having, are just fine...because they force me to look within and really try to figure out what makes me tick. It's a great way to learn and grow as a person. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. But, I do want to be the best person I can be. And to do that, I have to be willing to admit my shortcomings and change. There's nothing wrong with making some changes...it doesn't mean that I've failed...it just means that there is always room for improvement. :)
Although...it's pretty hard to improve on my awesomeness!!  LOL! Just kidding! :) :)

Reflecting.

It's time to take a step back and reflect on the past year.
It's hard to believe that I started this blog and my weight loss journey a year ago. So much has changed in a year. I recently went through and reread all of my blog posts from the beginning and it's fun to see the progression. As I have said before, the first few months were primarily mental changes and allowing myself the time needed to sort out my thoughts and behaviors. And, I am so glad that I did, because it really helped me get in a good mindset to get myself ready to change. And, I knew that, once that new year hit...it was time to get busy. And, that is what I did!!
I am so proud of myself and to be quite honest, surprised at the determination that I have had and kept for so long. I am notorious for having all these grand ideas and never following through with any of them. Sure, I'll be good for about a week or maybe two weeks tops. But, after that, I give up...for whatever lame reason it may be. I would usually convince myself that, I was happy with the way that I was. But, in all honesty, it was too hard to change SO many bad habits that I had developed that got me to 375 lbs. It was easier for me to lie to myself and look in the mirror and say, "It's ok, I'm still pretty, I don't need to lose weight right now, my family still loves me for who I am, fat or thin." I was fooling myself because food had that much control over me!!
It wasn't until my kids starting getting older that I really felt the impact that my weight and health issues had on our everyday life and activities. When the kids were baby and toddler ages, it was easy for me to sit my big butt on the floor and play with them...or take them to the park...or take naps on the couch with them. My weight didn't really get in my way at that time. Sure, I hated it and wanted to be thinner, but it was more work and effort that I wanted to put into myself at the time. As they have gotten older and have been able to do more "grown up" activities...that is when I noticed how much my weight limited me to having fun with them. Mike would get all the "play" time because I was too big or out of shape to participate. And...that SUCKED!
So, I knew it was time for a complete Jill overhaul! Time to really take a good, hard look at myself. Time to be honest and admit to myself that I wasn't happy, I wasn't ok with missing out on all these activities! But, how do I change?? It was all so overwhelming and scary! But, I just told myself, "Small steps, one thing at a time, be patient, be compassionate and STICK with it!" So...I took the bull by the horns and prepared myself for a wild and bumpy ride! I knew I couldn't change all my bad habits overnight, that would be too much all at once. I just started with the easier ones to get rid of first, which would help me feel that sense of accomplishment once I succeeded. After feeling that sense of victory, I moved on to the next bad habit...it was very motivating to see myself makes these changes. And, as I was getting rid of bad habits, I was incorporating new good habits. This was a good way for me to stay focused and not get frustrated right off the bat. Once, I started seeing and feeling results...that was all I needed to keep this journey going.
I have had some setbacks and a lot of mind games that I have had to get through lately. But, that's ok. It's all part of the process. If everything was easy, we would have nothing to learn.
So...the kids are back in school, and I have really enjoyed my time with them! And, I will miss seeing their faces and hearing their laughs all day. But I am also anxious to get my "me" time back and get back on track with my weight loss journey!
I am starting what I call, "Phase 2". I am revamping my exercise routine and adding some scary classes. I am so uncomfortable with being that "fat girl" in the back of the class, huffing and puffing and completely uncoordinated. But...I am going to suck it up and just do it! There are still a lot of changes that I need to make...but, again, one thing at a time. I have come so far already, but I still have a long way to go. So, I just need to keep my head on straight, make smart decisions, keep pushing myself and remember to be patient with things that don't come easy.

Struggling.

There is a pattern to my posts lately and I really DON'T like it!!
But, I am an open and honest person, and I like to tell it like it is! As most of you know! ;) And...this is how it is!
I am struggling big time! I need my days of the kids being in school all day back. Don't get me wrong...I have enjoyed having them home. But...this past month, I have gotten a lot more relaxed with my exercise and eating. So, that tells me, that I need my days back.
This stage of my life is really nice. My kids are still young enough that I have a little ways until I get to the empty nest syndrome, yet old enough that I don't have babies or toddlers at home anymore. Having all last year with all 3 kids in school and then this whole summer with all 3 at home, really made me realize how different my state of mind is when I get very little "me" time. I have noticed this summer that, the first half  I was fine, but the second half is when I really started missing my "me" time. And, coincidentally, that is when my "funk" started. And, once I get in a funk, it's hard to get out.
I am an only child, and I grew up with a lot of time to myself. I never had to deal with the chaos of big groups much. So, time to myself is necessary for me to regroup and keep my mind in good shape. When I'm frazzled and need a break from noise, but can't get it...I turn to food. Food is my comfort and probably always will be. That is why I gained so much weight after I had the boys...my "me" time went out the window! So...I went to food for comfort A LOT!
So...this is what I am noticing now. I have been craving food more and wanting to eat everything I see. Which tells me, I need "me" time!  And, once I give in to the food, it's super hard to get myself back on track. It's like a vicious cycle! And, everything works together. Once I start eating more "junk" food...I feel awful and tired...when I feel awful and tired...I don't want to exercise...so, instead I eat more "junk" food...which then makes me...you guessed it...feel awful and tired. See a pattern?? And, when I'm tired, I crave junk food. And, the tired I'm talking about, is mentally tired. You know...from the normal everyday kid stuff like...being a referee, a maid, a cook, an entertainer, a question answerer (over and over), a taxi, etc., etc.!!  See...I was spoiled last year, I got used to not dealing with that during the day, so it allowed me to rest my brain and regroup.
Right now, I feel completely out of control of my schedule! But...I know, that once the kids go back to school, I will be able to regroup and get myself back on track!! Luckily, my funk hasn't been too damaging as far as weight loss is concerned. I know, I haven't lost as much weight or inches over the past few weeks as I would have liked. I just remind myself, that I am human and I can have these episodes. The important thing is, to recognize it and fix it, before it gets out of hand. I have worked too hard and done too well, to allow myself to stay in this funk!! IT WILL NOT HAPPEN!
So... I will now revert back to the quote that helps me forgive myself when I have bad days (or weeks). Which is..."I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it". This too shall pass...

In a fog...

Don't you just hate it when you do something that you know you shouldn't, and refuse to admit that it's a problem?
Well...that's where I'm at right now.
So...here it is...I am going to admit it now. I...Jill Rowland...spend WAY too much time on the computer!!
This darn machine sucks away a very large portion of my awake hours everyday! And, you know what...it's ALL Mike's fault!!! I never had a computer until I met him!!! So, I refuse to take the blame on this one...haha, just kidding! ;) I am totally the one at fault! I am at fault for the total lack of self discipline, of getting my big butt out of this chair and doing something productive.
I am always complaining about how I don't have time for this or I don't have time for that...I have so many projects that need to be done...blah, blah, blah! Well...DUH!! Of course I'm not getting anything done! Who would, if they spent several hours a day on the computer doing nothing that is productive towards their everyday responsibilities??
And, with having this problem, it creates several other problems. My lack of self discipline leads me to staying on the computer too late at night, so I don't get as much sleep as I should. Which then, makes me tired all day. And, when I am tired, I eat more, because I feel like I need to eat to stay awake. Sometimes I eat good foods and sometimes I eat crap foods, it depends on the day. Another thing that being tired affects, is my desire to exercise. If I am really tired, the last thing I want to do is exercise! So, some days, I really have to force myself to do it.
And, this is the funk, that I have been in the past several weeks. With the kids being home all day, we have ALL been on our electronics too much. Entirely my fault!! Some days it's just so peaceful, that I don't want to break the silence. Mainly because, I don't get much alone time, so this is my way of getting it. Problem is...I created a vicious cycle that I need to get out of.
One habit that I started a long time ago, was eating in front of the computer. Seems harmless, right?? Well...I can lose track of what I've eaten and how much I've eaten when I do this. And, that can be dangerous! An important part of eating, is to be aware of what you're putting in your mouth. If I am going to use my points on something, I want to enjoy it. And, when I eat in front of the computer, I am doing what my trainer explained to me is "Fog" eating. Fog eating is when you eat...just to eat...and you are completely in a fog as to what you are ingesting. So, it is very easy to consume way more calories/points than you realize.
Fog eating goes along with the 4 ways of eating...which my trainer explained to me. There is "Fuel" eating, where you eat foods that your body needs...the healthy foods. There is "Joy" eating, where you eat foods that you enjoy, but are not useful to your body. There is "Fog" eating, that is where you just eat and aren't really paying attention to it. And, there is "Storm" eating, where you are completely aware of eating and you can't stuff enough, fast enough into your mouth. The "Fog" eating is the hardest one for me. And, spending tons of time on the computer is making it that much easier to "Fog" eat. This is something that I need to nip in the bud before the numbers on the scale are affected by it!
One thing that I have to my advantage is that, I have become a lot more aware of my behaviors over the past several months. And since I have recognized this, I will be able to change it before it becomes too much of an issue. I have also realized that I am starting to get bored with my exercise routine and that is another reason why I have been in a funk lately. So paying attention to these cues is essential if I am going to continue to be successful in this journey of mine.
It's time to STEP IT UP! I am going to revamp my exercise routine with the guidance of my trainer and I am going to get out of this "Fog"!
Great things are in store for me...lots more change to come... and lots more small victories to look forward to!!

Summertime blues...

Having the kids out of school for the summer is REALLY screwing me up!! Don't get me wrong...I adore my kids and I really enjoy having them home, but I can't seem to get a good routine down for myself.  I never realized how much I like routine until now. I used to think, "How BORING! I hate routines! I just want to be able to be spontaneous and do what I want, when I want!" Well...that way of operating just doesn't work for me anymore!
I have noticed as I get older and my kids get older, my brain gets overwhelmed a lot quicker. My ability to focus and remember things is getting worse, and I can't multi-task as well as I used to. And, that can get really embarrassing at times, because I could be talking to someone, and not hear anything they say because something distracted me. I HATE that! Then I miss out on a whole conversation, and feel like the worst friend ever. But, sometimes, I just can't help it...I must have ADD for adults. No wonder Sydney and I can't sit down and play with each other for very long...we both get too bored with each other! LOL!
Even though my schedule is totally out of whack and changes frequently, I think that I have still been able to keep up on my exercise routine for the most part. I would like to do more, but some days, I am just too tired. Which, I really struggle with letting myself have an extra day off. I feel like I am letting myself down or being lazy when I do. For some reason, if things don't go the way that I had planned in my head, I really have a hard time adjusting or accepting it. For example...this is my "normal" weekly exercise routine: M-circuit/intervals, Tu-Aqua, W-circuit/intervals, Th-Aqua, F-trainer, Sa-cardio, Su-rest. And, if something comes up to where any of those days don't happen the way I have planned, I get all out of sorts and then think that I have completely blown it for the week! I don't know why I think that way...I just do! I mean, even if I get a different kind activity in...it's not the same...so it doesn't count. And, this is what I think to myself all the time. As my trainer puts it...I have what they call "All or nothing thinking". If it's not exactly how I think it should be, I have a hard time accepting it. It's really frustrating and can be emotionally exhausting as well. Because I am always coaching myself and telling myself that it's ok.
Lately, I have been in a funk, which I really don't like! When I get in these funks...I crave food!!! It has taken all of my will power and constant self pep talks to control myself. I have had the munchies like you wouldn't believe! You'd think that I was either PMSing everyday or that I have been smoking a ton of weed! I am super proud of myself though! Normally, by this point, I would have totally given up. But, even with being in this funk, I am still focused and dedicated to reaching my goals. It just may not happen as quickly right now, but I know once the kids go back to school, I am hitting it full force!
This is my goal...to continue to push myself out of my comfort zone and really see what I am capable of! I want to see just how fast I can get this weight off, build some awesome muscles and be in the shape of my life!! In a healthy manner, of course! I don't want to hurt myself in the process!
I tend to get in these moods and then I snap out of it. No worries though...I am still in this whole-heartedly! I have come too far to give up!!
All of my little victories are enough motivation for me! I put on a shirt the other day that used to be too tight and now it's loose. It is such a weird feeling because that hasn't happened in such a LONG time. I almost feel like it's not real, like I'm living in a dream. I have never accomplished something this great for myself and I'm not even finished yet! I can't even imagine what I'll feel like 6 months from now!! I can't wait!!

Frustrated

I know I shouldn't be frustrated, but I am. I know that I tend to bite off more than I can chew and I expect too much of myself at times. And, I know that I run myself ragged with all the demands that I put on myself.  Which then results in me failing at something and then I get FRUSTRATED and wonder why.
I sometimes live in a fantasy world and I think I will lose lots of weight every week...knowing full well that having that thought is ridiculous. But...I can't help it, I still think that way. I guess that is why I refer to myself as the "Unrealistic Optimist".
Sometimes, I have a week where I feel like I have eaten really well and I have been super diligent with my exercise. Then I weigh in, and if I don't see the results that I want, I get really mad. But, why do I get mad if I am still losing?? I don't get it!! I mean really, I did lose almost a pound this week, I should be satisfied with that, right? Maybe it's because I am so close to 60 pounds. Maybe it's because I am so close to being under 300 lbs. I don't know. I think it's just that...each week that I have a small number, it adds on another week until I get to those goals. And, that irritates me!
I'll tell you one thing though, I am tired. I keep myself so busy to the point that I don't allow myself quality chill out time. But the problem is, when I do have chill out time, I am constantly thinking about of all the things that I should be doing! So how do I win?!? I don't like to exercise in front of the kids. I want to put on my headphones and be LEFT ALONE and that won't happen while the kids are awake. So, I end up exercising a few nights a week until midnight. I actually really enjoy exercising, but this schedule is wearing me out. And, I haven't figured out the balance of pushing my body and letting my body rest. I know there has to be a special formula somewhere. But, honestly, in my brain, I think that the more I exercise the more results I will get. Sounds logical right? I don't know...I'm just confused...and frustrated. Grrrr!
Don't even get me started on food! What a headache! Planning...shopping...prepping...counting!  I think I need a personal chef and a grocery shopper! That would be AWESOME! But, eventhough it's a headache, I think I am actually doing pretty well with food. But, am I saying that because I'm in denial?? Am I convincing myself that I am doing things right because I am too afraid to admit otherwise? I really don't think so. I know that I am not perfect by any stretch of the means. And, I know that I am making smart choices. Question is...am I doing enough?? Am I starting to get lazy?? Only thing I can do now is get super strict with measuring. I think that might be where I am hurting myself. I don't know...we'll find out next week I guess.
You know, I think I do a good job at really trying to stay postive all the time..but sometimes,  I just get frustrated!!  And, I really don't like feeling this way, but I am human, and I have to allow myself to be honest and release ALL my emotions if I want to get back on track! Fortunately for me, I bounce back very quickly. So, by the time I post this, I'll probably be back to normal. LOL! :) This too shall pass, right? RIGHT!