Goal setting. Bleh!! I hate setting goals because I suck at it. I always set them over ambitiously because I am impatient and want immediate results. I manage to convince myself that I am superwoman and can completely change my habits overnight. Which...as we all know...is ludicrous and impossible.
Even though I hate setting goals, I know it must be done. Otherwise, I wander around aimlessly with no direction or end in sight. My challenge is...where do I begin and how much can I handle? I need to be realistic, but I also need to push myself. Where is that balance without sending myself over the edge? Hmm.
I know that I have been successful before, so I need to reflect on that. What worked for me back then? And, also what made me get off track? I know that I can push myself hard, but I also know, that I can't live like that long term.
When I started this journey, I was pumped...I was ready to take this on full steam. Which I did. And, I was seeing results too, and quickly. I do have to say though, it was the exercise and training that made the difference. My eating was NEVER where it should have been. That is the hardest part for me, getting that under control. So, when I burned myself out from the vigorous exercise regimen, I didn't have a healthy eating lifestyle to fall back on. So, in time, all the results from the hard work of exercising eventually disappeared. Granted, I did make healthier choices with food during that time, but not enough to maintain or keep the weight coming off once I stopped all the exercising. And, once I hit that point I became frustrated and ultimately my inner food demons and bad habits came back full force.
Another trigger to my falling off the wagon, was the amount of stress I put on myself. I would call it self-bullying. I am never satisfied. I always feel that I should've done more or better. I compare myself to everyone else OR how I used to be when I was younger, which always brings me down if I don't live up to that. I assume that I should be able to do the things that I could 20 years ago...200 lbs ago. Or, that I can keep up with someone half my size. NOT! I just am not capable of that right now. My body is in bad shape and I need to remember that. I have to work up to that level.
I hate being looked at as an invalid, but that's what I am sometimes. I physically can't do a lot of things because of my size or because I am not as strong as I used to be or I don't have the stamina. I am not completely helpless...I know that. And...there are a lot of things that I am still able to do. But...my family, my husband especially...all cater to my weaknesses more than they should have to. And, I know a lot of that is because of my laziness and refusal to change things. It is unfair to them and it is selfish of me. I have become dependent on them, and I never used to be that way. Years ago, I would always take pride in the fact that I could tackle projects on my own and wouldn't need help. But now, I am disgusted with how much that has changed. I just don't have the ability to do the things I used to, so I depend on others to do it for me. I DO NOT like that...being dependent.
With that being said...things HAVE to change. I can't live like this forever. I don't want to! And, my family deserves better than that. They deserve the Jill that I know I am...not the Jill that I have become. I am unrecognizable to myself.
So...getting back to goals. Let's think about what I want to achieve in life first, then I will prioritize and take the steps necessary and set realistic goals. And what better way to do that than my usual list of...
Simple Goals and Dreams of a Fat Girl...volume ??? whatever
1. I want to be able to climb a ladder effortlessly, over and over...without fear of falling or breaking it.
2. I want to be able to get up and down off the floor with out needing help or sticking my butt straight up in the air in the most ungraceful way imaginable.
3. I want to be able to do work on my knees without causing bruises due to the sensitivity of my skin because of the lymphedema.
4. I want to go shopping...all day. I am tired of being exhausted and mentally "checked out" because of the exhaustion after one store.
5. I want to go to a restaurant without the anxiety of fitting because of booths or small spaces. Same goes for theater seats, stadium seats, etc.
6. Speaking of stadiums...I want to be able to sit anywhere at a sporting event, regardless of the seating options. I want to be able to climb up bleachers if I have to.
7. I want to walk down hills or steps without feeling so unsteady on my feet.
8. I want to climb stairs without needing a handrail.
9. I want to play with my kids...play tag, roll in the snow, wrestle on the floor. I miss the agility that I once had.
10. I want to get off my medication.
11. I want to get rid of my C-Pap machine.
12. I want to go clothes shopping and enjoy it.
13. I want to feel attractive.
14. I want to feel energized.
15. I want to have the desire to get off my butt and be productive.
16. I want to feel confident and comfortable in my own skin.
17. I want to live life to the fullest and not miss out on things because of my size.
18. I want to have the ability to fit in any kind of seat easily...roller coaster, airplane, car...
19. I want to have the mental strength to tell myself "no" "try harder" "you can do it".
20. I want to have patience with myself to keep going when things get hard.
So...with this list in mind, here is what I am going to do. I am going to stop making excuses and take care of myself. I am going to regain my independence and start living again.
Aimee, my trainer back in the day, helped me out so much in a variety of ways. She had me set goals each week, which was always a great motivator. She had me set a food goal, fitness goal, emotional goal and spiritual goal. And, I have decided that I want to implement that again. But, before I can set those detailed weekly goals, I need to get back on track first.
My first goal...
Get my diet under control. I am not going to join Weight Watchers like I usually do. I always go in there thinking that if I join, that's all I need. But...I have to actually follow their plan. And, to be perfectly honest, I don't like their plan. I think it is over complicated and takes too long to figure out points, so meal planning is a royal pain in the a**! And...I know my patience level with that. So, it's best to not even subject myself to that torture. Plus the fact, they have some twisted views on things and most of the time the meetings consist of members on a mission to find ways to cheat their points. It doesn't work or last that way.
My best method is to count calories and make a list of all the daily food requirements I need to fill those calories. I will be mindful of sugar content because that is what my body does not need. I will not eliminate anything because that plays a worse mind game on me than eating healthier. And, I know my rebellious tendencies, so I won't even test it. Keep it simple. It will be more manageable that way, so I will be more likely to stick to it.
My goal with this is to lose roughly 10 lbs. a month, the first month will probably be double that. At my size, that is a realistic goal.
My second goal...
Move more. Exercise. I have to treat it as a job that I get up each morning to go to. Monday-Friday, I will start slow and build it up each week. First, is to focus on cardio and getting my stamina back up. In addition to that, will be flexibility exercises and light strength training. Aimee taught me quite a bit when I was with her and I have kept a lot of the circuit training routines that she created for me, which will help me know what to do and plan out my workouts.
In addition to those, each week I will guiltlessly allow myself me time to rejuvenate. I will read/watch motivational things to help inspire me to keep going.
I believe that these are achievable goals. A healthy diet and daily exercise is a necessity and I know that. No more reckless choices. I need to suck it up and get in shape...mentally, emotionally and physically.
At the beginning of next year, I will weigh, measure and set my weekly goals.
This journey isn't over...it never will be. I will always have to work on keeping myself on track. My hope is to not have so many set backs, especially ones where I have to start over again.
I will learn to follow these simple rules...
Be patient...Be compassionate...Keep it simple
