It has been a REALLY long time since I've journaled on this blog. Mainly because I am disappointed in myself and feel like a broken record posting about the same old same old. But, it is what it is...story of my life.
Here's where I'm at today. In October, it'll be 2 years since my weight loss surgery of the Gastric Sleeve. I honestly didn't feel or see the impact I was hoping for with this surgery. I lost 110 lbs at my lowest, but I didn't stay there long. My problem, for my whole life, has been consistency. I am terrible at sticking to anything for a long period of time. Diets especially. I know, it's not supposed to be a "diet", it's supposed to be a "lifestyle change". Well...screw that, it's a diet! At least until I can create a new normal. And with my history of inconsistency, I never stick to the "diet" long enough to get to the lifestyle change transition.
All my life, I have compared myself to everyone...which most of us do. It's natural and if it's done right, it can be used positively as inspiration to change what you want to change. But, I do this comparison with the thought that I need to change who I am. I get this feeling that these individuals are better than I am, so I start doing things the way they do in order to be like them. And, it's not always about looks either. Sometimes it's about parenting, career, education, lifestyle...whatever I happen to notice and envy or admire.
I grew up with cousins and best friends that were thin and beautiful. And, when you're the chubby girl standing next to them, it really makes an impact on your self-esteem and views on what is preferred or more appealing. The boys always chose them over me and because I was next to someone smaller, it made me look bigger. When I look back on those days now, as an adult, I see a completely different girl than I did in that moment. Obviously there were other factors about me that made the boys view me as the "good friend" instead of girlfriend material. I realize now, that my personality was pretty strong for those timid boys. My sense of humor is one that isn't always understood right away, so it could scare off those not interested in me or getting to know me. So, looking back, I think I intimidated some of the boys unintentionally. Probably pissed off some girls too.
As an adult, I joined a church that toyed with my insecurities in other ways. Not as much looks this time though. Don't get me wrong, I was around very beautiful ladies that made me envious in many ways. But, I was married by this point and openly loved no matter what my size was. At this stage in my life, it was comparing myself to other moms and their parenting, it was comparing myself to other homemakers and their domestic abilities, it was comparing myself to other professionals and their knowledge, it was comparing myself to righteous people and feeling unworthy.
This constant self doubt can be very exhausting, but it was entirely self-inflicted. The friends that I made during this time never made me feel like I didn't belong. They loved me...flaws and all and still do. The stress was brought on because I admired them all so much for various reasons. The homemakers that make fresh bread, homemade meals, perfect desserts, handmade costumes, spend hours canning food for their fully stocked home storage...basically the "farmer's wife" life. I've always been drawn to that and those abilities and talents.
The MOM comparison. Honesty, I've always been proud of my mom abilities because I have some great kids and I know that I was the most prominent person in their life at a young age because Mike traveled a lot. But, by no means, am I taking full credit...my head isn't that big. I am fully aware that my kids have had a village of great role models that have helped me A LOT! But, looking back, I can honestly say that I did a good job. However...there are some traits of a mom that I lack big time. I am not very strict and I don't push my kids enough. Mike always took that role. He instilled a good work ethic and taught them numerous life skills. The moms that are able to do that in addition to being the nurturer are the moms that I take notes from. How do you create a schedule and stick with it? How are you able to stay on budget? How do you enforce chores and rules without swaying? Putting it bluntly...I am a softy.
The reason I am writing all of this is because I have gotten lost in the lives of others, and have forgotten who I am and what makes ME happy. I was driving the other day and, as usual, beating myself up for not doing this or that or for not being this way or that way AND being 43 years old still struggling with the same problems. It's frustrating and causes me to say "screw it" more times than I should. I get tired of the constant war in my head of who I think I should be and not being satisfied and happy with who I really am.
The main reasons that I wanted to lose weight originally was because I love sports and riding roller coasters, I love getting on the floor and playing with animals and babies, I love going to water parks or the lake and going down slides or riding on a water raft. I can't do much of that right now. I am trapped in my body. Some of it is psychological, but some of it is my size and mobility. I wanted to be that mom that did everything. So, I get very depressed because all these years have gone by and I have missed out on so much of those things. I feel that this is who a mom should be.
But, then I thought, there are all kinds of moms and just because I don't do those things, does that make me less of a mom? Am I not the mom that is desired? Same goes for ALL the other things that I don't do well. I put so many rules and regulations on myself to be "perfect" that I lose sight of things that matter. I am not a domestic person, I don't want to make fresh bread, my desserts are edible at best and I have NO desire to can food for storage. That's me. Love it or not. I would rather buy a present than make one. I would rather throw something away than try to fix it. I think having strict rules for my kids doesn't allow them to voice their own ideas. I like working as a team with respect for one another...they know who the boss is but they also know I am flexible and open minded.
Going back to the weight loss struggle. I am so tired of it. I try to be extreme to make the most impact and to see the quickest results. But, it makes me miserable and changes my mood. I enjoy being bigger, I can say that now as an adult. It's who I am. I am soft and cuddly, I have curves and jiggles. I love food. I don't want it to be my enemy. I just need to get to a more manageable weight for my diabetes and other health concerns. Slow and steady. I will continue to work on moderation and cutting down on the sugar. I get tired of saying that I am going to do some extreme change for whatever period of time and failing. Then seeing the disappointment in my loved ones faces and the comments about how I never follow through. They are right. I HATE that reputation. I am going to live my life day by day and try to make the right choices each day. I do much better when I don't have pressure to perform or conform to a mold. It will take longer, but I will be much happier emotionally. The person that I believe that I am is a positive one that brings smiles and helps lift up people around me. When I force myself to do something that takes that side of me away, I don't like that. I will find that balance that I need to stay in a good state of mind but also be mindful of my physical health.
So that is what is weighing on my mind lately. What makes me happy and not trying to be someone that I am not. Being able to live my life without so much guilt and worry of what others think and do.
