Food. I love food. I hate food. Food is constantly on my mind. Why does it hold so much power over me?? I just don't know.
This past week, in my mind, I totally blew it! I know that's not a compassionate way of thinking, but it is still how I feel. I have gained 3 weeks in a row...a total of 6.6 pounds that I am going to have to lose all over again! It's frustrating to say the least!
Sometimes the temptations of food are just too much for me to resist. I wish that I enjoyed the healthy foods as much as the unhealthy foods, but no such luck. Maybe some day.
I have had an unusually busy and stressful couple of months. And, the scale is proving that I don't always handle stress well. If I have a lot on my mind or a lot of things I need to do...the last things I want to worry about are cooking, planning, grocery shopping, or anything involving extra time away from my projects. I have gotten so use to eating out over the years that when my life gets chaotic, that's what I do. It's just easier. And, to make matters worse, when I'm stressed out, all I want to eat is junk.
Over the past several weeks, I have been gradually getting worse with my healthy choices. But, this week, I completely ignored all rules and points and tracking. And, the result was gaining 4 lbs. Granted, we moved this week, so it was much harder to do things normally, but still. One way of looking at it is, I have been so diligent since January. And, I have really done well at staying on track and moving in the right direction. So, this week was my free pass to indulge on some of those things that I have been missing. And, that's just what I did...I over-indulged!!
I ended up asking for extra help from my trainer/therapist to try to figure out why I have started this pattern again. One thing that I have learned about myself, is I don't do well with moderation. I am also afraid that, if I allow myself to be lenient, it will start a snowball effect of bad choices.
So, I sat down with Aimee so she could help me understand what I'm going through. The one thing she said that I do is, I use food to disconnect. If I am stressed out and want an escape, that's when food is the most comfort to me. It helps me disconnect. So, she wants me to dig deeper into my feelings and face them. What is bothering me?? What am I disconnecting from??
I like to always stay positive and convince myself that everything is just fine. If I allow myself to admit that something is hard or I don't know how to manage something, I feel weak. I am a very independent person when it comes to dealing with my problems...which is just what they are, my problems. So, food is where I go to "talk" about things. Mainly because I don't have to say much or explain myself. Food just comforts and helps me relax. But, I am learning the hard way, that food is doing just the opposite. The only thing that it has helped me do is, gain 200 lbs...and how comforting is that?!?
All in all, I have to allow myself to get serious...quit pulling the wool over my own eyes. Face my problems. Ask for help. I use humor all the time to cope with the stresses of life...which is great for the most part. But, sometimes, I just need to be serious in order to get a good look at what's deeper. As hard as that will be for me...that is what is necessary to learn and grow. I do feel that I have grown a lot already, but there is so much more that I need to learn!
So, I will take this week...accept it...own it...and forget about it. I will move on...push forward...be aware of my feelings...and get back on track!! This journey is FAR from over!! I have so much more that I am capable of! Bring it!!
2 comments:
Well said, and I can relate on some levels. BUT...just FYI...you WILL one day love good food better than the "bad" but...it does take time. This weekend I indulged on sweets and I ended up really feeling it Sunday night. I realized I like how the good foods make me feel vs. the bad. Not that the "bad"ones are not good in moderation they are. But Sunday my "bads" were so not in moderation. LOL...HUGS! "Keep moving forward!" (as Cornelius says is "Meet the Robinsons") I love ya Jill we need to start walking again in the mornings.:)So you can destress on me :)
I agree with Ruth! It is hard to be good ALL the time. Sometimes I think we need setbacks to remind us that even though the fight we are fighting is difficult and getting old/boring it is what we need to become the person that we have the potential to become. You just have to make sure that you don't give setbacks power to become anything bigger. You are awesome! I hope you know that you are an exceptional example of bravery. We all have our inner skeletons that affect us and the decisions we make. Very few people are brave enough to face their skeletons let alone go hunting for them, only to dig them up, just to come face to face with them, so you can dismantle them. (Sorry. Hope that imagery wasn't too gruesome ;) )
Post a Comment