Perfection

Let me just tell you how nice it is to have a trainer that is also a lifestyle and weight management coach. She not only wants me to be healthy physically...she wants me to be healthy mentally! And getting healthy mentally is a lot more challenging!!
Lately, I have needed a lot more help mentally and Aimee recognizes that. What a blessing it is to have someone like her to push me to my limits...to make me take a good hard look at my behaviors... and force me to admit things that I don't want to or feel stupid if I do.
I was talking to Mike the other night about things that have been bugging me lately. Although, this time, I was a little hesitant to talk to him about it. I have noticed over the past month or so that I have been struggling with making smart food choices and having the desire to exercise. And, the reason I was hesitant to say anything to Mike, was because, he has seen me time and time again, start a weight loss program and eventually give up. And, I didn't want him to think that, and then be disappointed because he'd think that I was giving up again. Because I am NOT giving up. I am just struggling a little more right now. And, bless his heart...I can ALWAYS count on him to make me feel better! He was completely understanding, and explained it to me in a way that really helped me be ok with what I'm going through. He said that, what I am experiencing right now is the same thing that marathon runners go through...they run for several miles with total focus and then they hit what they call "a wall". A point in time during their run, where it just gets so hard to keep going. A point in time, where they have to force themselves, mentally, to just keep running. So, this is the point in my run, that I have hit a wall.
So, now what?!?
Well...this is the perfect time to get a little coaching. Why have I hit a wall?? What is going on in my head that has changed?? As much as I like to feel like I have it ALL together and can manage everything on my own...I can't. I need help. I need a little guidance...I need someone to help me see what I can't see. And, thank heavens for Aimee, because she helps me do just that!
Perfectionist.
There it is. One word.
I...am...a...perfectionist. A perfectionist in what I expect from myself.
One of my triggers for eating...which was another thing Aimee helped me realize...is the feeling of disappointment. And, seeing as I expect myself to do everything perfectly every time...I experience a lot of disappointment. So, here is my cycle...I make a plan or routine...I don't get something done...I am disappointed in myself for not being "perfect"...I eat...
In July and August and now September, there were a lot of different things going on, that put wrenches in the routines that I have been doing for so long. At first it was ok, but after awhile I was getting more and more out of my routine. Which has made me feel out of control...which means that things are not perfectly how I want them to be. I am stressed out because I am not being "perfect" with my exercise and eating. I am "disappointed" in myself because I am having a hard time making myself a priority.
So, Aimee helped me understand that my inner voice is one that is a drill sergeant or a task manager. I am constantly yelling at myself, internally, for not being better or more diligent. I try to push myself with a negative voice, one that makes me just want to clinch my fists and refuse to appease. I didn't realize that I did that. Don't get me wrong...I completely understand that I need to push myself! But, as Aimee put it, I need to change my inner voice. I need to be more compassionate, more accepting, and more forgiving if I don't do something perfectly. If I learn to do that...I will be that much more successful.
What I have to do is, treat myself like I would my kids. When they come to me with a problem or tell me about a mistake that they made. I am compassionate, I try to figure out what to say to help them get through it or fix it. And, I do so with a kind voice. Usually... ;)

I just need to tell myself...in a compassionate and kind voice...that it's ok to make mistakes. Learn from them and move on. It's ok, to not do everything perfectly. Just keep on trying and be forgiving. I have set some big goals for myself and this little "wall" is not going to keep me from achieving them! I am going to take this rope of self discovery and pull myself right over that wall! I will prevail!!