Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Constant Mind Wars

It would be so nice to have a day where I'm am not constantly fighting with myself in my head about food, exercise and getting healthy again.
I am my own worst enemy.
In my head there is a continuous battle all day everyday. It's pretty exhausting. I seriously have to sit down with my eyes shut to calm the war. The dialogue changes but what remains the same are the feelings of disappointment, anger and disgust.
It's the same mind war that I have been fighting since high school, it has just become more guilt ridden and frequent over the years. "You shouldn't eat that." "You really should go to the gym every morning and get some exercise." "One more won't hurt." "I'll start my diet Monday." "You better do something or you won't live to see your kids grow up." And, I could go on and on. That last one, is the one that here recently I say most often.
"You better do something NOW or your kids will grow up without a mom, Mike will have to live without his soulmate and I will miss out on everything."
No matter how often I repeat this in my head, the pull of eating and doing nothing seems to win more times than not.
Why is that?? How is that possible??
Over the past couple of years, the consequences of my choices have become more and more apparent and debilitating. I am at an all time high in weight...a number that is humiliating and frightening. I have lost so much strength, mobility and flexibility to the point that I have become way too dependent on everyone I'm around and a hindrance where ever I go with anyone. I am missing out and my family is missing out on so many things because of what I have done to myself.
Over the past year I have had some health problems come up to where I needed to get different tests done. In the end, we have concluded that my heart is fine, my hormones are fine and I have no blood clots. Although, I am now on blood pressure medicine, but other than that, nothing new to report. The Adenoma that was discovered is still there and will be monitored closely to check for changes. As of now, it isn't affecting any functions of my Adrenal glands, which is good.
So now...what's my next step?
At my last doctor's visit, we discussed weight loss. Imagine that. And, he mentioned something called Binge Eating Disorder.
There are many things that I can relate to with this disorder. So it's definitely something that sparks my interest and gives me something to look into.
My doctor also suggested that I see a Psychiatrist. But...I'm not so keen about this. Not because I'm too proud or think that I don't have a problem. It's because of the fear of losing who I am.
Regardless of all the mind wars and frustrations that I have, I am a very happy and positive person. I don't feel that I suffer from depression. True, I get down on myself all the time about my constant need to make poor choices involving how I take care of myself. But beyond that, I don't want to change who I am.
My fear is that I will go to the Psychiatrist and they will pull out all of these issues that contribute to my problem causing me to feel even more screwed up than before. My fear is that I will BECOME depressed because of this extra baggage we've discovered, and then lose my happy self. My fear is that I will be put on some kind of medicine that will make me lifeless and emotionless.
I don't want my personality to change. I really do love myself (not in a conceited way) and how my personality impacts those that I am around in a positive way. I don't want to lose my sense of humor or my silliness. I am happy with who I am as a person.
However...on the flip side...I would LOVE to be rid of the mind wars and not be so obsessed with food. I would LOVE to have a clear head and be able to focus on other things and feel productive and satisfied with myself. But, how is that attainable without changing who I am? I just don't see it happening.
And, I am not someone that is interested in meditation or self praise exercises. I feel STUPID doing that and I can't take it serious. I hate group therapy because it's an hour long pity party surrounded by "Debbie Downers". I try to steer clear from negative energy. I know it's good to be around "my people" but it just brings me down more than it helps me.
I know I'm being difficult and not very open minded with this, but I've went down this road before and I didn't like it.
Honestly, what I need is a nutritionist and a personal trainer to help take the think work out of what I need to do. Plus it will hold me accountable. The one thing that helps me "see the light" is that lately I have been able to visualize myself in a body that is healthy and fit. I haven't been able to do that in a while. I am not interested in winning swimsuit competitions or marathons. I just want to be healthy, and be able to do the things physically that I can't do now, and be able to live a long life with Mike by my side and watch our kids grow old and have families of their own.
I have faith in myself that I will get a handle on this. All I can do now is choose the path that feels right and hold on.
I didn't call this the weight loss journey for nothing. It has just turned out to be the LONG frustrating journey with TONS of speed bumps and detours.
Time for my next stretch of winding roads...