I have been on this weight loss journey for 2 1/2 years...at least that's how long I've been blogging about it. But, in all honesty, I have been on a weight loss journey my entire life...or a very good portion of it anyway.
I can't remember a time that I wasn't self conscious about my weight. I can't lie...I have been blessed with "big bones". Haha. Lucky me. It started in elementary school. Sad, really. Kids can be so cruel. Even your best friend can unintentionally leave emotional scars that will always haunt you. It's hard to move past those memories.
I have never experienced what it's like to feel thin. Even when I was in high school and lost 30 lbs on WW my junior year and was at a good weight, I still didn't feel thin. Probably because I was still being compared to the girls with the "perfect" body that I went to school with. I do admit that having lost that weight I felt more feminine and attractive, but I still wasn't happy or satisfied with it. I don't know why. I just always have that thought in the back of my mind that I should've done more...I could've done better. I find myself in a constant state of disapproval or disappointment...even now as an adult. And, I think that ends up leading to a lot of my ups and downs. I will be going strong for a long time and really be making great progress. But then...that little voice in my head will question my efforts and if they were good enough. And, that little voice always wins and puts that self-doubt in my head. After several of these occurrences, I don't even know what it is that I need to do to be satisfied. The stress of my self badgering leads to frustration and eventually giving up. A vicious ongoing cycle. I have been doing this forever. Never completely happy with any results because in my mind, I haven't done enough so the results are never where they could be. And this isn't just weight related. It's with just about everything I set out to do. I am my own worst enemy quite often.
Lately, I have been reading some of my old posts and noticing that a lot of them sound very familiar to some of my recent posts. And, I think that I have went a complete circle in the past 2 1/2 years. I am at the same weight that I was when I started. It's, as if, it's all been a wasted endeavor. That's how it feels anyway. Have I learned anything?? Have I made any progress?? It sure doesn't look or sound like it. And, I'm still complaining and struggling with the same issues. Kind of disheartening.
But, I have decided though, to not get the surgery. It's not what I want...never was. But, sometimes I get so frustrated with trying to lose weight that I get desperate and look for ways to help alleviate the difficulties of trying to do this on my own. I preach and preach about 'it's not about losing weight, it's about getting healthy'...well in order to get healthy, I need to lose weight. Plain and simple. And, even though my ultimate goal is to be rid of my Diabetes and Sleep Apnea...I REALLY want a killer body. One that isn't squeezed into everything or overflowing everywhere. That would be SO nice!!
But...to do this...having surgery in the long run, won't help. Sure I'll lose weight, but it won't stay off if I can't change my habits. I know this...I knew this before I was debating having the surgery. I was just momentarily in a dream world of seeing quicker results with less work on my part.
As far as weight loss is concerned, I am completely disgusted with myself for having gained back all that weight that I worked SO hard to lose. I know, I know...I have to look past that. But, I can't help it...and I know everyone can relate. It's ok though... I'll cry my tears, punch a few pillows (walls are too hard...I'm not stupid), say several curse words (away from little ears of course) and have my pity party. Then I'll get back to reality, evaluate what didn't work and make those adjustments.
1. Stop being so hard on myself!! I'm going to screw up and have bad days. Get over it and move on.
2. I only need to answer to myself. I am the one that needs to be pleased. In the past, I would stress myself out trying not to disappoint whoever it may be and that needs to stop. It is my journey. I need to remember that.
3. Make meal planning and food prep a pri*or*i*ty. Ugghh. I HATE doing both, so of course I will procrastinate it as long as I can. And, by doing this, I am frequently unprepared which results in bad food choices.
4. Don't over-complicate things. Keep it simple (boy, am I tired of telling myself this). Everything I do has to be a certain way and it usually involves a lot of unnecessary work and time. I envision and pump things up so much in my head that when I can't produce my "vision" I get really down on myself. I seriously end up having to have self-talks in order to calm it down and simplify.
5. Small steps. Small steps. Small steps.
6. Clock out. As a stay at home mom, there is no time clock to punch in and out on. It's a 24/7 job. But, we can take breaks from time to time. So...clock out and enjoy that break.
You know...I may be back to where I started, but that's ok. It's not ideal, but I will accept it and take full responsibility for it. I, apparently, haven't learned what I am supposed to learn yet. So...I will keep chuggin' along doing the best that I can with the things that I know. And, one of these days, I will get to where I want to be. In the meantime...I will try to quiet those voices of criticism and allow myself to feel proud about any and all of my accomplishments. This will lessen the set backs due to self-doubt and then give me the motivation to keep going. I will get through this...no matter how long it takes.
In my next post, I will re-start the weight loss meter, inches lost timeline and a new set of pictures, as well as my plan of action. I have an appointment with a nutritionist next week, referred and encouraged by my doctor. My blood sugar is of great concern right now, so she will help educate me about how to take care of this. Diabetes has always baffled me, and I have never quite understood how to manage it. Obviously.
