The lonely life of obesity.

Being an obese person is a very lonely life.
It's a life that is watched from the sidelines. No one truly understands what goes on in the mind of an obese person. So, let me enlighten you with what goes on in mine.
Guilt, anger, disgust, fear, anxiety, despair and humiliation. A lot of times many of these emotions are felt at the same time. I am in a constant internal war with myself over anything relating to my current condition.
Being obese is not something that we strive to be. At least, I hope not. There are so many factors that play into the progression of gaining weight. And each person is unique in their journey. For me, it isn't one thing. Each stage of my life has brought on different challenges. Food is what I chose to comfort the stress I was experiencing at that time. No matter what doctors say, food is a drug. Addiction to food is a real thing. I know. I live it. I struggle every minute of every day to overcome it. Food gives me a high that I crave when I'm feeling low. It immediately improves my mood to the point that reason is no longer there. Meaning, I know what I'm doing to myself, but I don't care because I feel so much better at this moment and I want it to last. And since I know that food gives me that high, I seek it. I use any excuse to abuse it. I will go out of my way just to get it. I enjoy time alone because I can get my fix without anyone knowing. Who am I fooling, right? I am now 450 lbs, so I think the secret is out...it was revealed a long time ago. Now my sneaking around is more of a way to avoid answering for myself.
When I say this is a lonely life, it's no joke. I have a lot of people in my life whom I love beyond words and they love me and are always there for me. But, I am lonely because there are so many things that I can't do with them because of my obesity. So...I watch from the sidelines. I stay home. It's much easier to do that then deal with the emotions I go through because of my limitations.
Guilt- it's the one emotion that doesn't go away. I feel guilt about what I've done to myself, I feel guilt for the burden and worry I have put on my family, I feel guilt when I don't participate in an activity because I can't physically or I don't want to risk humiliation, I feel guilt when I eat something I know I shouldn't, I feel guilt when I sit on my butt all day...the list goes on and on. It is very exhausting to be disappointed in yourself all the time. So...how to I cope? I eat.
Anger- I typically am not an angry person, but I do reach those days where the guilt gets too much and I become angry with myself for not being stronger. I am angry at the choices I make and have made knowing what the outcome will be. I am angry that food has so much control over me.
Disgust- When I look in the mirror, I truly do love who I see. I know I am a good person. I know that I am loved and needed. Which is why there is disgust. How could I treat myself this way knowing and feeling these things? I am disgusted at what my body has become due to my actions. I have become dependent on everyone to help me with simple things. I have pill boxes that are filled with a handful of pills I have to take twice a day just to manage the symptoms caused by my obesity. I have to wear an insulin patch that irritates my skin and gets in the way all the time because I have indulged in so much sugar that my body just can't keep up anymore.
Fear- I look at my kids everyday and think 'What would they do without me?' Their life would certainly lack humor, that's for sure. I just can't imagine the void they'd feel. I have such a special relationship with each of them that it breaks my heart to even think about how much they'd miss me if something were to happen. Same goes for my husband. Plus...I don't even want to think about him marrying another woman and that woman becoming a mother figure to my kids. No way. No one can replace me! Yes, I mean that. And, my parents. No parent should ever lose a child. I am an only child, and am very close to both of them. My mom is my best friend and my dad is someone that I just need for many things to help calm me and keep me focused. My fear is that my body will give up and they all have to deal with that loss. I also look forward to living a long life and being there to watch my kids grow up and grow old with Mike. I really fear that not happening.
Anxiety- I now have a Handicap placard that I keep in my car. The main reason being is my anxiety. I got it after my last episode with blood clots, so there were other health reasons too. But, the real reason I wanted it, was to alleviate some of the anxiety I get whenever I have to run errands or go out anywhere. There are many worries I have before I leave the house. I worry about a car parking too close to my van so I won't be able to open my door wide enough to get in. I worry about having to park far away and being exhausted before I even start my task. My anxiety also keeps me from doing a lot of activities that have questionable seating and climbing of stairs. I have had to miss out on going to sports games, concerts and outdoor activities. It's no fun to watch others enjoy these activities while you sit on your obese butt that's too big to squeeze into those tiny (normal) sized seats or go up stairs with no handrail.
Despair- I know I have a problem, an addiction. I have tried over and over to lose weight on my own, only to fail and gain back more than I lost. I just don't know how to help myself anymore. How can I find that switch in my head to stop slowly killing myself with food? Weight loss surgery, that's what it has come to. But, I still have to change my behavior. I sure hope that between the "hunger" hormone that's removed during the removal of part of the stomach and seeing weight loss results quicker, that will be what I need to continue in the right direction and make the lifestyle changes I need to. For good.
Humiliation- This one is huge. No pun intended. I feel like a circus freak wherever I go. 'Look at that enormous woman!' "How could she do that to herself?!' This is what I think everyone is saying to themselves. I now have to ride that stupid scooter when I go shopping if I want to accomplish a lengthy shopping trip. I HATE that! I used to be disgusted at the people who were too fat and out of shape to walk on their own. Now I am one!! Humiliating. Anything and everything that I can't do because of my size is humiliating. Every time I have to squeeze into something, it's a reminder of how fat I am. And, humiliating.
These are the reasons why being obese is a lonely life. I stay home. I say no to fun things. I watch others do what I wish I could. That is lonely.
I am not writing this for pity, or sympathy or because I feel sorry for myself. Whether it's genetics, addiction or a traumatic experience, it doesn't matter. I am responsible for the consequences of my choices. I am not going to just watch myself deteriorate and die without trying all I can to fix the problem. I have too much to live for. Too much to look forward to. I have lost enough time being on the sidelines. I'm ready to be a part of the fun.
I just ask you to be compassionate to those that are obese. It's not as simple as 'Why don't they just stop eating so much crap?' I wish it were that simple. The emotional side is far more powerful than you think. Unfortunately, those that don't have this addiction, don't understand that.