Do you know how hard it is to be stuck in a 400 pound body? I do.
Do you know how humiliating it is to eat in front of people who are secretly judging you for what you're putting in your mouth? I do.
Do you know what it's like to see the disapproving stare or hear the low gasp when waking into a room? I do.
Do you let yourself cry once you're alone because you are so disgusted with the choices you have made? I do.
But, do you wish that you could take back those choices that you have made wrong over the years? I don't.
I don't. And, do you know why I don't? Because those wrong choices have made me who I am today. And, I am happy with who I am today. Today...I am more aware of my emotions. Today...I am more aware of my limits. Today...I am not making ridiculous promises that I have no intention of keeping. I have learned a lot over the last 20+ years of struggling with my weight. But, that doesn't mean that I now make all the right choices. It just means that I am not ignorant in thinking I can change myself over night. I have been on countless diets and workout plans. Some have been successful, but none of them have been long term. My mistakes? Trying to change everything all at once...eliminating things in the beginning that are the biggest challenge...setting goals that are unrealistic...comparing myself to others.
I have been approaching my addiction and weaknesses all wrong. I can't FORCE myself to be someone different. But, I can coach myself to learn new habits and be compassionate to my faults. To me, diets are stupid...fad diets in particular. All they do is help you...miserably...lose weight quickly but temporarily. I feel the same with pills, drinks, surgeries, anything that is a "helper" in losing weight. Just my opinion. The reason I feel this way is because, for me, my weight/food problem is all psychological. No pill, no drink, no surgery will fix the problem. All they do is fix the symptom of the problem.
Over the years, I have seen therapists and life coaches, and some have done ok. They give me something to think about and sometimes help me see a different perspective about my behaviors. But honestly, overall, they make me feel more screwed up. I get more out of a "rant" session with my husband or my mom because they truly understand me. And, a lot of times, I just need to get my frustrations off my chest and then I'm good to go again.
What I have learned about myself and how I need to get my life back on track, is to take small steps and gradually change my lifestyle. And, what I mean by getting my life back is, finding the energetic, athletic, adventurous and fun Jill that is stuck in this huge, stiff and heavy body. I know she's in there... she's just trapped by fear of change and hard work.
I admire those individuals that appear to have it all worked out...they set their exercise routine, eat their nutritious meals, day after day...no big deal. But, you know what...I am sure it is a struggle for them too. It may not appear so to those of us watching, but we're not inside their head and we can't read their thoughts. Most likely they're thinking "this sucks, but it must be done". And, you know what I think after one day of having a routine that I don't particularly like? "This sucks, I'm not doing this anymore". And, it is that mindset that has lead me to living in a body that has restricted me from doing so much.
Yes...beginning an unfamiliar and different routine will suck...at first. And, I know changing a lifestyle that has been lived for 37 years will not be easy or fun. That is why I will do this with my sanity in mind. I am not someone that thrives on completing the hardest of hard challenges or conquering the impossible. I am someone that gets frustrated and discouraged very easily, so I will respect that, and plan accordingly.
I have made excuses for far too long. I have relied on the unconditional love of my family for far too long. It is time that I make the changes, take the steps needed to regain my health, get my body back. My kids have never seen me thin, they have never experienced how much fun I can really be. In fact, I don't know how much Mike has experienced. It will be so much fun to get that back. I am not looking to win awards on losing weight in record time. I just want to take it slow and make it last. In time, I will be able to handle more and more changes. I just have to be patient with the process and think of my emotional health as well as my physical health...those two go hand and hand.
I still plan on documenting my journey. I mean, no journey is complete without a few roadblocks, wrong turns and obstacles in the road, right? Next week, I will weigh in, take measurements and post pictures. I have a plan and I have lots of willing participants by my side to help me chug along and get to where I need to be. I am truly blessed to be surrounded by such incredible people...from those I love and miss from Las Vegas to those that are right here with me in Missouri. I have a great team! I am excited to move forward and anxious to see just how awesome I can be. ;) I love life and I want to enjoy it to the fullest for a long, long time.