Every so often life catches up with me and I need my husband to listen to my emotional implosion. And...as always, he does with open ears. Unfortunately, it's usually after midnight lying in bed when he's struggling to stay awake. But...like a champ and a concerned husband he listens and holds my hand.
Lately this has been happening more often. I'm not sure what it is...and honestly I don't think it is ONE thing. It's a multitude of many things.
The obvious one is my health. That alone puts a lot of stress on me both physically and emotionally. The past eight months have been challenging...more than usual.
At the end of last year, I started getting tingling feelings in my chest. I dismissed it and thought it was nothing to worry about. The tingles only happened when I was in a reclined position and didn't happen often or last long. Then I started to get really winded and worn out after very minimal activity. Again, I dismissed it. Because, let's be honest, I am over 400 lbs and extremely out of shape. So of course I'm going to get winded whenever I move.
This newest health problem though actually forced me to miss out on a family activity over Christmas break. Which was very upsetting to me, my husband, my kids and my cousins...more out of concern and just missing having me there. This family activity involved sledding up in the mountains. We all knew I wouldn't be able to sled, but everyone was expecting me to go anyway, just to be a part of the fun and watch and cheer everybody on. For weeks I was torn on whether I should go or not...I even prayed for bad weather to cancel it so I wouldn't have to make the decision myself, but that would have really bummed out everyone, so I was glad the weather turned out fine. Anyway, in order for me to mentally prepare myself and be able to decide, I asked Mike to call the facility to find out as much detail about the place as he could. I had him ask...where the sledding area was located, how is the terrain, how far is the walk, is there a place to sit and watch, are there lots of hills. He knows I have anxiety attacks whenever I go somewhere unfamiliar and my size and physical limitations are a concern, so he was happy to make that call. I mean, let's be honest, I have anxiety from just parking my van in a parking lot and worrying if the car next to me will park too close so that I can't get in on my side. My anxiety has gotten really bad...to the point that I prefer to stay home most of the time.
Anyway, back to the family sledding trip. Mike made the call. They informed him that it was a bit of a rough walk, but there were ATV type vehicles that could drive me to and from. I wasn't sure what to make of that information. I know how hard it would be for me to climb onto something like that, plus the fact that I probably wouldn't fit. But...what really had me worry was the fact that my family would be watching me...a grotesquely obese version of my once athletic self, struggle to get on this vehicle. It was humiliating just thinking about it. Just the mere fact that I would have to consider riding this thing really pissed me off. Because...Damn it! I should be able to walk on my own!!
But, with all of this embarrassing "don't look at my fatness" aside...the real concern was, could I honestly handle the trip physically. The fact that I was getting so winded already had me very concerned. It was like I was breathing at high altitude when I was only in my living room. So, I knew that I would seriously have a hard time breathing being up in the mountains even without having to walk anywhere. Another concern was, that I am very unsteady on my feet. My water retention swells up my feet so they're not very flexible. That makes walking on slick surfaces very scary for me. I have had several falls that resulted in large contusions on my lower legs. The last thing I wanted was to fall and hurt myself and ruin everyone's trip. So...in the end...I decided to stay home.
So, now January comes along. My shortness of breath is getting worse, to the point that Mike told me to call my doctor. After several minutes, it was decided that I needed to go to the ER so they could do the tests necessary and find out what's wrong. We were there for several hours and after lots of bloodwork and other tests, they discovered that I had blood clots in my lung. Which explained why I was having shortness of breath. They also saw some numbers of concern with my heartrate. After being released, I saw my doctor for a follow up. She prescribed a blood thinner and a Cardiologist visit. The Cardiologist had me do a Stress Test and an ECHO. They both came out fine and he was very pleased with how my heart looks. Great news!!
Fast forward 6 months.
It's time to readdress these blood clots. Are they still there??
I see my doctor for a follow up. She checks me over and we talk. She does a new "Diabetic circulation" test on my toes and fingers. The results weren't as good as she would've liked. So...she refers me to get a chest scan to look for the clots and also an Arterial Doppler ultrasound on my legs to check for blockage in my arteries that could be the cause for the circulation issues. The ultrasound came back fine. But, the scan however brought a new discovery to our attention. The good news is that the blood clots dissolved and are no longer there. But now...she sees a nodule on my Adrenal gland. So...off to do another scan to see what that's all about.
The new discovery turned out to be a large Adenoma on my Adrenal gland. An Adenoma is a benign tumor. My doctor wants to do another scan in 4 months and compare the 2 scans to check for changes in the tumor. Then she will decide what to do. Well...I am not happy with this!! I don't want ANY kind of tumor in my body...benign or not! The fact that there is something foreign on my Adrenal gland is most likely screwing up how it functions. Which actually makes total sense.
Four years ago while I was losing all that weight, my trainer took notice of some of my ailments and brought up the possibility of Adrenal Fatigue. I looked into it, saw a "Naturalist" doctor, took some tests and found out that my Cortisol levels were out of whack. Cortisol is the "Stress" hormone. The doctor basically told me that to treat Adrenal Fatigue I would need to change my "body clock". My sleeping patterns and brain stimulating activities and diet and relaxation techniques would need to be fixed in order for the Adrenal Fatigue to get better. Well...I can tell you how successful I was at doing that. I wasn't.
Which brings us to today. Have I been dealing with this for 4 years and not knowing it??
When I looked up the functions of the Adrenals, it highlights everything that I've been struggling with all this time. They control many different hormones, including the ones that control how we handle stress, our metabolism, our energy levels, balancing salt and water in the body. It's pretty spot on to identifying what's wrong with me. Oh my gosh! "balancing salt and water in the body" That's my water retention nightmare!!!!
Now, I know my crappy diet and lack of exercise play a major role in my health issues and weight gain. I'm not stupid or looking to place blame on something other than myself. But...if there is something underlying that is making it that much harder for me to get this weight off then I want to know about it and FIX it!!
So, I have made an appointment with an Endocrinologist to help me get my hormones under control and to see what this tumor is doing to my Adrenal gland functions. So...we shall see...
In the meantime...it is NO secret that my emotions are ALL over the place. I get stressed out very easily. Plus the fact that I am at a stage in my life that I am having somewhat of an identity crisis. This was something that I was venting to Mike about. I feel lost. Like I don't know what to do with my life. On one hand I feel old and that I've missed out on a lot of opportunities, but on the other hand, I feel like this is a new beginning and the world's my limit.
One reason I feel lost is because my kids are getting older so I am now faced with the realization that pretty soon my kids will be on their own. Which is a very scary thought. I know it's still several years off, but those years will whiz by. So, now is the time for me to start thinking of MY future. What am I if I'm not a stay at home mom?? I just don't know. I have no college experience. And, I don't want to work just to work. I want a career and/or to be able to do something that I love.
Another thing that has caused me great stress over the past several years and I have now decided to address to help me "find" myself and focus on getting healthy in ALL aspects of my life, and that is my faith. This one is very complicated for me. And I know it probably comes as a shock to some. Let me be clear though, I love my church and what it stands for. And, I have made many lifelong and amazing friends since I have been a member.
I came into the church as a young adult by the influence of my husband (boyfriend at the time) and his family. By my own will, no forcing on their behalf, I investigated it. I decided to be baptized with the thought that in time this will all make sense. For the next 8 years we would go to church off and on but never fully active for very long. Then I decided to take the plunge and really dive into it full heartedly. Now, to give you some back story about me...I did not grow up with any type of religion so the whole process that goes along with being an active member was and still is very uncomfortable and awkward for me. It hasn't changed or gotten any easier over time. I have always had a hard time understanding and fully believing what is being said in the scriptures. I have faith in a lot of things, so that is why I have stuck with it for so long. I want my children to get the opportunity to learn what my husband knows to be true and grew up with himself. It is important to him, so it is important to me. I have no problem being there and going along with the journey.
However, with this, has come the stress of trying to belong in an environment that I'm not completely in agreeance with. But...that is why I go, to learn and feel that assurady that we all seek.
As a member of this church we are asked to serve callings. Some are a lot more demanding than others. Some are demanding on us and some are demanding on our spouse. We feel the stress of it either way. I have always enjoyed my callings and what they have taught me and the people and kids that I have had the joy to work with and develop very special relationships with. But, sometimes these callings take me away from the ability to learn and be a part of lessons that will help me to build my testimony and understand the scriptures. And in this delicate emotional time for me, I have noticed myself becoming irritated with the church and the stress that it can bring. Because of this, I know I need to take a step back and clear my head. So, I have asked to be released from my callings.
This was a hard decision for me because I don't like others to have to pick up my slack or fill my void. But, I know I am in no state of mind to be a teacher at this point. And, some will argue that being a teacher is where you'll learn the most from. And, that is true in a lot of cases. But, I have been a teacher from day one and it's time for me to take the stress off of preparing lessons and be able to be the student and enjoy hearing the lesson. And, since my mood towards the church is so hot and cold right now, I feel having no calling will help lift the stress I feel when I go. It's very selfish, I know. But, right now I'm making myself a priority and it's something that has been eating at me for some time.
My ultimate goal right now is to alleviate some of the weight (no pun intended) that I feel. As a mom, your whole life is your kids. Every decision that is made is based on what's best for them. As it should be. But, we can't lose sight of ourselves in the process. I have no idea what truly makes ME happy. I know what makes them happy which in turn makes me happy.
I have felt myself going on a gradual downward spiral over the past 10 years. A lot has to do with the constant fluctuations with my weight and the self-blaming and the guilt that brings. Some has to do with the activities I've missed because of my weight and size. I also miss the social aspect of being out in the world and having my work noticed and complimented. Mom's don't get that very often. And, we all need praise every once in awhile to lift our spirits.
But, I don't want to be misunderstood either with anything that I've said while unloading my thoughts throughout this post. I have a very blessed life and I have a husband and kids that are darn near perfect in my eyes. So, I am not complaining or trying to imply that I have a sucky life. Because that couldn't be farther from the truth.
There are just some times when I don't feel quite right in my head and my rational thinking and moods start to become erratic. This is when I have to take notice and find out why and take action.
So that is what I am doing.
I am not getting any younger and I still have a lot of life to live. And, I want to live it to the fullest!
