Forgiveness and understanding.

Yep! This picture pretty much sums up my behavior for the past 2 weeks! I have been AWFUL this month!
And, you know what...I am ok with it. Yes, it really sucks to gain and have to lose it all over again. But, this is how I see it. I love food! Plain and simple. And, maybe in time, as I continue on this unfamiliar path of eating healthy and watching what I eat...food won't be as important to me. But, for right now... it is. I try really hard to convince myself otherwise, but I am just fooling myself.
As Aimee has told me, I have an "All or Nothing" way of thinking. Moderation is a foreign word to me. This is something that I have been made aware of...I understand...and I am working on it. I will have a week that I am on my best behavior. I will count all my points and exercise my butt off...that is my "all" state of mind. Usually those weeks burn me out, so that's when my "nothing" comes into play. And, my "nothing" weeks are NO joke. I don't quite understand it myself. All I know is...my devil side comes out in full force! The temptations are often too strong to say no to. It's almost like I am just antagonizing myself...daring myself too be bad. And, as I have said before...I am not strong emotionally, so I give in.
This is becoming a very big problem! I need to be able to stand up to myself and smack down that inner voice that taunts me and keeps delaying me from getting to my goals!
Moderation...moderation...moderation!
Balance...balance...balance!! (Yes...there it is again). Don't the experts say that we learn best from repetition. Well...I guess, I'm testing that theory.
This next year...watch out! I have SO many things in store for myself. I have experienced a lot of things this past year, both good and bad. I have learned how to succeed...I have learned how to fail...I have learned how to ask for help...I have learned how to do things on my own. I have done things this year that I thought would NEVER happen. Before I started on this journey, it got to the point where I began to give up on myself, and just accepted the fact that I was going to be fat all my life. But...then I looked at those sweet little faces of my precious little babies and I knew that I had to get off my butt and do something about it!
The most important thing that I have learned this year, is having patience with myself. This journey hasn't been easy. I have had to push myself in ways that I never have before. I will have bad days...I will have bad weeks. But...I have NOT given up!! And...I WON'T give up. My progress over the last 6 months is not at all like it was the first 6 months. I have been on a wild roller coaster ride for awhile now, and it has really affected my decision making. But...it hasn't killed my spirit or determination to see this journey to the end...no matter how long it takes!
I have been a huge supporter and follower and doer of Weight Watchers from the start. I have nothing against Weight Watchers. But...something inside me says that I need a change. I am ready to try something new that is very commonly used by many...but has never been done by me. I am going to start tracking what I eat based on calories. Aimee is 100% on board with this and she is going to help me by setting up a plan to follow. I think WW is starting to lose it's luster and that's one reason why my head hasn't totally been in it.
Another thing I learned about myself is that I need structure with options. I don't like feeling like I am stuck doing the same thing day after day. But...on the same note, I enjoy having routine. So, here is where balance comes into play...create a hum-drum routine, but have options of activities and food choices to insert in order to keep it fun and less monotonous. Also, one thing I struggle with is allowing myself pleasure activities...not any more. I have made a list of all the things I want to make time for and I have planned out my schedule accordingly...without sacrificing my exercise!
I have allowed myself to fall off the rocker the past two to three weeks, mainly because it was the holidays and I didn't want to behave myself. Not gonna lie! I had my fun...I ate my little heart out...I sat on my butt most of the time. Now it's time to get back to business! Have a little cry over the weight that I have gained back and now need to lose again...then GET OVER IT! This new year is going to be AWESOME!! :)