Diabetic Denial

Diabetes.
This is a word that I heard when I was 29 years old and pregnant with Sydney. I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes when I was pregnant with her. I took the diagnosis seriously and took care of myself accordingly. I didn't quite understand it, but the doctor told me what I needed to do, so I did it. I was 320 lbs when I got pregnant with her and that was a huge concern because I knew that I wasn't in the best condition to be carrying and nourishing a growing baby. It was a very tough pregnancy for me...worse than being pregnant with twins. My whole body bloated up with water during the first trimester, to the point that when I would get a scratch on my leg, it would ooze water and not blood. I was then diagnosed with Sleep Apnea and Gestational Diabetes during the second trimester. Huge adjustment. I had to start taking my blood sugar several times a day...force myself to eat right...sleep in a recliner because I was so stiff with water retention and had to get used to wearing that awful face mask. It was a very uncomfortable and miserable pregnancy.
The only reason that I took the diagnosis of Gestational Diabetes seriously was because of Sydney...not me...her. I didn't want anything to harm her. I, myself, was invincible, regardless of my weight. So I thought. I had no clue of the severity of Diabetes and I honestly, had no desire to research it. Once, I delivered Sydney, I went back to my old habits.
I have been a very healthy person my whole life. I don't get many colds or the flu or anything like that. I don't overreact to a lot of things. I am a believer in "everything will work out and be just fine". I don't go to the doctor immediately when I feel icky, I give my body a chance to heal itself. I don't agree with bathing myself in hand sanitizer, but I do believe in staying clean and washing my hands a lot. I think it's good to roll in the dirt, occasionally get sneezed on and live by the 5 second rule (not with everything though)...it builds the immune system and makes the body tougher. These are just MY beliefs...whether they're wrong or right.
I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes when I was 30 years old. And, that diagnosis had absolutely NO impact on the way I lived my life. I was in complete denial that it was anything to be worried about. I went about my life as if it wasn't even talked about. I had no clue what it was, what it could do or how I needed to take care of it and I didn't care. Because...I don't get sick...I don't get affected by anything. Complete denial.
This year I have been struggling with all kinds of things. And, I have been searching for answers, trying to figure out what is going on. I have seen 2 different doctors and taken blood tests, urine tests, saliva tests, ultrasounds, etc., in hopes of finding something to explain why I'm feeling like crap all the time. I just recently got the results of my most recent blood work and ultrasound, and I was trying to decipher it myself with the help of my SIL and MIL. There were a couple of minor things that weren't much of a concern. But...the ONE thing that shocked me, was how much my A1C increased since February. The A1C is a number that shows how the blood sugar averages during a 3 month period. I'm not sure how it works, all I know is I have it tested every 3 months. When I was first diagnosed it was around 8.0, the goal is for it to be under 6.0. Over the past 6 years it has gradually went down or maintained. In February, it was at 6.7, which was good because under 7.0 is considered 'controlled diabetes', but medicine is still necessary. When I read the results of this past blood test, my A1C went from 6.7 to 8.1. That is a huge jump in 9 months!
When I saw that, it really worried me and helped me finally understand the severity of this disease. I think that everything that I have been going through this year was triggered by the fact that my blood sugar has been constantly high. I have always known that my mood changes when my blood sugar does, but...I just lived with the moods because I didn't want to change. I think my body has finally had it with the abuse that I have been giving it for so long. I still haven't seen the doctor to officially get the results and findings of my blood work, but I am fairly certain that once I get my Diabetes under control, I will feel like myself again. I do have a feeling that my medicine will need to be adjusted to help control it better, but diet and exercise are the keys factors.
When I was losing my weight last year, I was really disappointed when my A1C number didn't go down that much. That is why I think my medicine isn't as effective as it should be.
Unfortunately, I fell off the wagon big time this year and have forced myself to start from ground zero again. But...I have to look on the bright side and understand that making mistakes is necessary to learn what not to do. I am now looking at this journey through different eyes and addressing the main issue that will better my life, health and waistline. Diabetes. When I get that under control, it will make a huge impact on everything else...my weight, my emotions, my focus, my memory, my energy and many others things.
Honestly, I feel so dumb! It's like..."Duh! Hello?!? Nice of you to finally clue in and get the picture! What has everyone been telling you for years??" Apparently, I'm a little stubborn.
Trust me...I now know that I have been a complete idiot and fool to turn my head the other way and pretend I don't have this disease. But...that all changes now. I am tired of being tired...I am tired of being fat...I am tired of having aches and pains...and I am terrified of dying young.
I am pleased to report that I have been a good Diabetic over the past week or so and have kept track of my sugar levels. When I started, they were averaging over 200 (it needs to be under 130). Now they are considerably lower, but still higher than 130 most of the time. So, I'm working on it. I have been feeling much better though, not perfect, but much better. Again...it's a lifestyle change and this one is for health, not weight loss. Although...I'm sure weight loss will happen once I get on a food plan to control my Diabetes. I have also started taking Wellbutrin, which is an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety/ADD drug and I have noticed a calmness in my moods. I'm not so on edge and irritable everyday. I don't feel like I need to have everything done yesterday. So, that is very nice.
All in all...I am on the right path to where I want to be. :)
Patience...Compassion...Simplicity. Three words that I have to remind myself of daily.
Have patience with change. Be compassionate with bad days. Keep things simple.

Finally figuring things out.

I am starting to get some answers as to why I have been such a basket case for so long! I went to the doctor today with a slew of things to talk about. I don't have a definite "This is what you have." diagnosis, but I do have a "This is what it could be." starting point.
My doctor wants to run a bunch of blood work and an abdomen ultrasound before he makes any final decisions about what he needs to do to fix me.
My biggest complaint was the fact that I can't get my emotions under control. I told him that the blood work earlier this year showed that my hormones are out of balance. I explained that I lost a lot of weight last year and have gained most of it back. I have no energy, no motivation. I have been having stomach issues, water retention...basically the whole lower half of my body has been dysfunctional and causing problems.
These are the main 2 things that it could be...something involving my thyroid (hypothyroidism) and/or Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. The thyroid issue would not be surprising. The PCOS was a little surprising at first until I read up on it. The reason it throws me off is because infertility is usually a big problem with PCOS, and I have never had problems with that. But...I found out that, there are a lot more symptoms that appear besides the infertility. And, I have quite a few of them. The reason he threw out the worry of PCOS is because the hormones that are out of balance based on my blood work from February are the "male hormones" and women with PCOS produce more of those hormones. Also, with this disorder the body may have a problem producing insulin. And, when the body doesn't use insulin well, the blood sugars go up, which can cause diabetes. And, guess what...I have Diabetes. Some of the other symptoms related to PCOS that I have are Sleep Apnea, anxiety/depression and weight gain...those are the big ones. There are several other symptoms that I have also, but I don't want to name them all. So...honestly, based on all of that, it makes a lot of sense if this was the problem.
I'm not really sure though what will happen if that's what is wrong. I don't know the treatments he'll want to take in order to fix it. I do know that one of the medicines that is frequently used to help treat PCOS is Metformin, which is the drug that I have been taking for 5 years as my Diabetic medicine. If this is my problem, who knows how long I've had it. I mean, my Metformin could have been doing double duty to my benefit without my knowledge for 5 years and now this PCOS has become more than it can handle. Or...it's something brand new that popped up, but the Metformin isn't helping. Honestly...based on what I've read, I wouldn't be surprised if I've had PCOS for a while.
BUT...I don't want to jump to conclusions!! I tend to do that quite often! I just need to wait and see what the blood work says and then I can freak out...for a reason.
As much as I want to hear that there is nothing wrong...I know that is not true. I can feel that there's something wrong. I usually dismiss a lot of my issues to the fact that I am SO overweight. I know my size causes a lot of my aches and pains. But...what's going on right now, is beyond that. And, I am relieved that this doctor is figuring it out.
One thing that he has done immediately is prescribe an anti-depressant for me to help with my mood swings. Overall, my hormonal imbalances are what's causing the depression, but until we get those back in balance...or at least more in balance...the medicine will help.
I'm so glad that I took myself seriously and didn't just take all these issues that I have been experiencing and push them aside. I know that in order to take care of my family, I need to take care of myself.
It's funny how the course that I had in mind for this journey... one that I was following diligently...ending up leading me off course to discover underlying problems that may have never surfaced had I not started my journey in the first place. It kind of feels like the "weight loss" year was the test to prove that I can get out of my comfort zone. The aggressive nature that I took on, ended up pushing me to a breaking point, which lead me to my lowest point. So, that forced this year to be the year to find the root of what's causing my problems. It's still a work in progress, but I am much closer to having answers. So, I guess that means next year should be the year that I take what I've learned this year and take what I learned last year and get out of my comfort zone and continue on with my journey. But this time, it won't be by going down the same path once traveled...it will be by going down a path that will have a clearer view, one with more spots to stop and smell the roses and will then eventually lead me to my destination much wiser and happier.
I have to say though, that even though this year has been tough emotionally, it has forced me to take it easy...understand my limitations and when to say no. Do things the way that I want to, even if it isn't "the way it should be done". I am more aware of myself. I am less worried about trying to be just like this person or that family. I am not like anyone else and neither is my family. And I LOVE that! So...I just need to remember to base my decisions on what is best for ME and my family. Pretty simple really.

Depression

This week I had an "ah-ha" moment. I have used my many years of college and medical school to self-diagnose myself. HaHaHa! Just kidding. I wouldn't last through all that school! No, I just depend on the "know it all" degree that I earned once I became a teenager. :) So...between that degree and my keen observation skills I was able to pinpoint what my problem has been lately. Depression.
Yep. There it is. The word...the illness...the mental disorder that I thought I would NEVER experience.
I mean, why would I? As I have said in many of my past posts...I have a VERY blessed life. So...how could I suffer from Depression? I just don't understand.
Even though, it seems extreme to me, I am not so naïve to think that I am immune to it either. For a LONG time now, I've known that something wasn't quite right. So, I paid more attention to my symptoms. And, over the past few weeks, I have noticed certain things occurring more often. Most noticeably is the inability to control the tears. It has gotten to the point that, I have a hard time carrying on a conversation sometimes without struggling to keep my composure. It doesn't take much to start the water works either. But then, after a few minutes of losing it, I'll regain control and then I am just fine.
Another red flag for me is my sudden desire to withdraw and my lack of desire to do anything. I just kinda want to chill at my house and do my own thing most days. I feel that I am pulled in so many directions all the time, that right now it's really nice to just chill. Problem with this one is...I don't want to cook. At all. And, I don't want to go to the grocery store because it is exhausting and requires me to make too many decisions. Because of this, we are eating out WAY too much! Which is NOT good on the wallet or waistline for any of us. This happens mostly when Mike is travelling.
Speaking of Mike's travelling, it is becoming more of an issue for me too. I don't know if it's because I'm tired of it or the stresses of the kids' busy schedules are harder for me to handle on my own or I just need him here to help with the normal parenting issues. Honestly, I think it's all of that combined. Plus the obvious reason of,  I just miss him and want him here with ME. I don't know how single parents do it. I am blessed to have my parents that live nearby and my SIL and BIL to help if I need. But, I have always tried to manage on my own before asking for help. Mike has been employed with different companies over the past 12 years and all of them have required him to travel except one, and he was always "on call" with that one. This is how we view it...it was our choice for him to accept these jobs and it was our choice to have kids, so the travelling was something that we had to work with when raising our kids. We understand this, so we don't feel that we should depend on others to carry us through.
I think I started my downward spiral a year ago when we moved and I had such a stressful month and a half during that time. It was mild and seemed to be more PMS problems than anything else at the time. A few months later, I felt the change of moods more drastically, so I had blood work done. This time it's appeared to be Adrenal Fatigue. I honestly, didn't do much to help get this under control. It didn't seem like a big issue for me. I've always had the attitude of "just let it run it's course, things will get back to normal soon". During that time, I also started taking new vitamins and I noticed a change in moods while I was taking them, but I kept thinking "How could vitamins change my mindset?" So, I ignored the signs. But, then after a few months, I just kept getting this gut feeling that I should stop taking them, so I did and that seemed to help. For awhile.
After all that, summer came...so the kids are home. I decided to just take it easy and enjoy my time with the kids...no pressing schedules, no rigorous exercise or diet plans...just enjoy my kids. And, this summer felt much shorter for me than usual and I wanted to latch onto my kids more. Usually by September, I'm ready for school to start. But I didn't want to let go this year.
After school started, things got really busy again. Mike's travelling became more frequent, soccer season started, homework came into the picture again, etc. And even after 6 months, I was still feeling like something wasn't quite right. But, this time I thought it was anxiety problems. My mom helped me see this because I was too oblivious or too stubborn to think that there may be an explanation for what I'm experiencing. But...I still didn't want to do anything or see a doctor about it because I didn't want more medicine. I wanted to get a grip and deal with it! I tried to get over my "blues" and emotional breakdowns by coming up with excuses. But after the past few weeks, I have come to realize that there is definitely something more serious going on.
Hence...the self-diagnosis of Depression. It all fits.
Here is an explanation of Depression that I read.
"Clinical depression goes by many names -- depression, "the blues," biological depression, major depression. But it all refers to the same thing: feeling sad and depressed for weeks or months on end (not just a passing blue mood). This feeling is most often accompanied by feelings of hopelessness, a lack of energy (or feeling "weighed down"), and taking little or no pleasure in things that gave you joy in the past. A person who's depressed just "can't get moving" and feels completely unmotivated to do just about anything. Even simple things -- like getting dressed in the morning or eating -- become large obstacles in daily life."
"Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain may be symptoms of depression in some people. Many others experience decreased energy, fatigue, and a constant feeling of being “slowed down"... Restlessness and irritability among those who have depression is common. A person who is depressed also has difficulty concentrating, remembering, and trouble making decisions."
Bingo!! This is what I have been going through for months! How could I be so blind to not see this?
Just about everything listed hits home. Man, if only I could have clued into this in months ago. But, sometimes it just doesn't register until things get beyond crazy.
So...now I need to see a doctor to confirm my diagnosis and determine what form and how severe. Which I have already set up an appointment for. There are some lifestyle changes that I need to make now, to help with the efforts of getting this under control. Now, I just need to do them. **sigh** :/
I would LOVE to get back to the old Jill that I know and love as soon as possible. This current Jill, is a real drag. Fortunately though, when I figure something out, that is usually the turning point. Knowledge is power. Medicine or not I will fix this!

Eliminating distractions, adjusting priorities, regaining my sanity.

I have so much going on in my head lately. Is it hormones? Is it depression? Is it anxiety? Is it stress? Is it a need for something more or different? All I know is that I can't seem to get my emotions under control.
I have been pretty down on myself for awhile now. I try to stay optimistic and keep a positive attitude but it's hard sometimes. I mean, let's face it...last year I kicked butt and lost 85 lbs. But, in a matter of 6 months, I have gained most of that back! And...that has taken a toll on my self esteem and feelings of failure. I don't know what to do. And honestly, I really don't want to do anything! I am tired of thinking about it, worrying about it and hearing about it. It has been such a huge focus of mine for so long, I almost think that I am driving myself into a depression or having issues with anxiety because of it. I have lost focus on other important things in my life because of this. I have forgotten how to live without a constant nagging voice of "You're doing it wrong."" You're not doing enough." After awhile, it gets to me and I blow up. I usually have a monthly meltdown...thank you Mike for always being there for that (lucky you). My emotions are all over the place, I am tired all the time and I have felt the need to withdraw more. This worries me because that is NOT who I usually am. I am just so frustrated with the pressures I put on myself to do everything "perfect". And...what's funny is, there is no "perfect". Everyone's perception of perfect is different and even mine changes over and over. Just when I think I've got it figured out, my standards change or I hear that it should be done this way instead. So, I'm never satisfied.
I used to be much better at having the attitude and lifestyle of "go with the flow". I can't be that way anymore. I have 3 growing kids with busy schedules, I have a husband that travels a lot and I have other responsibilities that take up my time. I know that if I organize my time better, it will help me out tremendously. I struggle with prioritizing and finding that balance of scheduling must-do's/chores but also giving myself "me time". Scheduling is crucial if I want to stay sane, stay healthy and be in a better state of mind. It's just so hard for me to focus and set that schedule up. I'll find a million other things I'd rather do. Probably because, once I set up that schedule, I will have no more excuses. Now I have to follow it. Which is hard for the "rebellious" and the "don't like rules" kind of girl that I am. But...at some point, I'll need to just suck it up and do it.
My biggest fear besides dying young and not being around to watch my children grow up and grow old with Mike is...my kids going through the same weight issues that I have. As their mom, it is my responsibility to teach them and guide them in making healthy choices and taking care of their bodies. And...I am failing miserably! I can't even get my own act to together. Kids learn by watching others' examples. Actions speak louder than words. How do I expect them to make the right choices if their own mother doesn't. Mom knows everything, right?? At least, that's what they think when they're young. I have got to set a better example for them! It breaks my heart to see them chub up or not be able to keep up physically with their friends. Right now, they're still ok for the most part. But...if I don't turn this family around soon, they will have set up their own bad habits and that will be even harder to change.
One thing that I have noticed is, that ever since the ever so popular Facebook came into my life, I have been pissing away hours of time that I could use for other things. I have an addictive and compulsive personality. I find something "fun" that I like and I'll obsess about it. It really becomes a problem because I let other important things get put off or completely ignored in order to feed my obsession. Not good. So...in an effort to regain control of my priorities, I am taking a step back. I will still have my Facebook account and I'll post things and such, but I will not let it manage my entire day. I have to set limits. I have uninstalled it from my phone because that becomes a distraction all the time. And, I don't like to be viewed as a person that is always looking at my phone. I, personally, can't stand that. I think it's rude. So...why do I do it??  Because I'm obsessed with the "Like's" and "Comments". And...you know what I say about that? Get over it. Plus, I don't want my kids answering the question of "What does your mom do?" with "She sits at the computer all day playing on Facebook." How embarrassing is that?!? And...at this point in time...it's pretty accurate. Sad to say. So...this must change! From now on...I'll stand next to the computer all day! LOL!! Just kidding. I hate standing. ;)
Besides Facebook, I have many other little obsessions and all of them keep me from getting things accomplished. Back in the day, when I was young and dumb and had only me to worry about...I think I was more organized. Maybe. Maybe not. Either way...when I was a Store Manager, I always kept a list next to the registers of all the tasks that needed to get done. It may have taken several days, but it usually got crossed off. That is what I need for myself now. My brain is overloaded with information to remember...it's not just for me anymore either. I have to remember stuff for everyone in my household and sometimes more. So...a "to-do" list in addition to the monthly calendar will help unclutter my mind and keep my priorities straight. I also need to remember to focus on ONE project at a time and FINISH it!!
All in all...I am not going to make my "weight loss journey" such a large (no pun intended, haha) focus. I need to lose weight...I know this...and I will. But, I also need to gain control of a lot of other things that have been neglected. I was talking to Mike about the fact that even though being a stay-at-home mom is a priceless gift, I feel that I am missing something. So, this spring, I will most likely be heading back to school. YIKES! Maybe that will help me get my mind on other things. I'm excited about it! I feel like my brain is turning to mush and I need to challenge myself in new ways. So...here's to a new chapter in my life.

No more guilt. Just relax and do my best.

Failure.
In some ways...yes, I have failed. But, in other ways...I've succeeded.
I have come to terms that I will always have weight problems. I will always want to eat everything I see...especially if it's unhealthy. I will never enjoy exercise.
But...I will always be learning and trying to do what I need to, in order to get healthy. Not thin...healthy.
I hate counting points. I hate counting calories. To the point that it pisses me off and then I binge because I am so annoyed with it!! So...what do I do??? Do I give in to that immaturity or do I empathize and find a different way? I know that counting is the best way to assure that I lose weight. But...is it worth my sanity? Ultimately, I am looking to achieve good health...and not just in the physical sense.
When I am following a counting plan...food consumes my every thought more than it did before. I view food as the enemy because it causes me such headache. As much as I try and say I'm going to sit down and plan out my meals...I rarely do. My moods change frequently, unexpected activities or a crisis will come up...which throws off any plan that I had. At least, in my mind it does. If a wrench gets thrown into my day...I will, a lot of times, scratch what I was going to do whether I needed to or not. And...I'll tell you why. I don't like eating at home. I like someone else to cook...I like someone else to clean up...I like for everyone to be able to order what they want so I don't have to hear complaints about what I fixed. Therefore...a wrench is usually welcome...so I can eat out. But...then the guilt sets in.
Guilt. It's one of the emotions that I feel almost constantly. Guilt from the choices that I make. Guilt because of the way that I feed my family. Guilt from disappointing my loved ones due to me thinking so selfishly by handling things the way that I do. All in all, I am in a continual mind war with myself and it's beginning to cause anxiety. I need to chill out! This is definitely not helping me to achieve good health mentally which then affects me physically.
I know I have A LOT of weight to lose. That, in of itself, causes me to have anxiety. I get pissed off because I did this to myself. I get pissed off because my family is following suit...by my example. I know that I need to figure out something fast or I am just going to get heavier and more depressed. So...do I want to continue with WW or counting calories to achieve my goals? Honestly...no. I want to live and not have to overthink every meal. I want the freedoms without that nagging voice saying, "Did you count that? Should you be eating that?" I want to set my own rules.
It's a give and take relationship really. Just like in a marriage or at a job. In marriage, there is compromise and a respect for your spouse. Same with food. Allow myself to eat that dessert but only after I have eaten all my fruits and veggies for the day. That will help it feel less restrictive...which will help control my rebellious tenancies. At a job...I have to put in the effort in order to get paid, right? Well... same with eating correctly and exercising. I'm not going to see or feel any results if I don't do the work necessary. It's a give and take. Don't get me wrong, there do need to be some rules...I understand that. It just doesn't have to be so strict or by the book. Enjoy life without so much stress and pressure.
So...with a few "shaking of heads" I am going to do this... on...my...own. That is what I am comfortable with. I do enjoy the "rah rah" sessions to a certain degree. But, WW tends to award everything no matter what. It's like receiving a trophy for showing up. It puts less meaning to the significant victories. And, maybe that's an insensitive way to view it, but I'm being honest. I don't want a sticker for showing up. I paid to be there...I better show up. Plus, I get tired of the ignorant people that try to cheat the system and then don't lose weight and wonder why. "It's Weight Watchers! I'm supposed to lose weight!" Really??? Not if you eat a whole apple pie and call it a fruit. So, I'll stick with people I know and love to give me that "rah rah" I need. Frequently.
Earlier this year, I was asked to participate at a Relief Society enrichment night and share my "getting healthy" expertise. Being asked to do this was flattering and unexpected. And, I thought I was completely unqualified to say the least. Plus the fact, here is a 300 lb woman instructing others on how to get healthy. For those that haven't known me or followed my journey were probably thinking, "Are you serious???" But...I did my best. The other day I was cleaning out my desk and I just happened to come across my notes/handout for that night. And, it helped me refocus. I have to say that I enjoyed my own words and the tips that I had. So...I am going to share my "Top Ten Tips List"...
1. Be patient. Don't try to change everything all at once. That will result in frustration and most likely giving up.
2. Prioritize. Prioritize the things that you want to change and then pick the one that will have the most impact first.
3. Add in good habits. Add in the good before trying to get rid of the bad. The bad will be easier to let go of once you feel the effects from adding in the good.
4. Start moving. Anything is better than nothing. Find something you enjoy, so you'll stick with it.
5. Set Goals. Set realistic goals. Goals that are attainable with your lifestyle.
6. Be compassionate. You will screw up. You will have bad days. And, that's ok. Forgive and try again.
7. Ask for help. It's ok to not have all the answers. It's ok to need someone to hold your hand every so often.
8. Be positive. Most of us function better with positive reinforcement. Praise yourself in the same manner you would praise your child or a loved one.
9. Allow yourself breathing room. Nobody wants to be put under a microscope. Have some fun, indulge every now and then. It will help you to not get those bitter feelings or feelings of resentment.
10. Involve others. It will help tremendously in a variety of ways. It will keep you accountable. It will help with motivation, encouragement and desire to stick with it. It will help with advice and tips. Be up front and honest. We can't be strong all the time.
There it is. I am going to follow my own tips and take my own advice. I am going to work on my marriage with food and get the job done.

 

 

 

Following through till the end. Focus.

Follow through. Or lack thereof. That is probably what my biggest obstacle is in getting to any of the goals that I set for myself.
I notice it more and more. And, it is becoming more and more of a problem. I have always had big dreams...ambitious goals...and lots of desires. But...I have also struggled with lack of patience and getting bored easily. I was like this as a kid too. My mom would get me toys and I'd lose interest right away and not play with it anymore.
I am great at talking and coming up with grand ideas. But...I am lousy at following through with a lot of things that I say I'm going to do. I lose interest. I find something better...repeatedly. It drives my family nuts because they never know what to expect. My mind changes minute to minute. I'll create a routine that seems perfect...then I'll change it. Why?? I don't know. I get bored. I like to liven things up. I don't want to feel restricted.
I yearn for a life that doesn't feel so chaotic. Problem is...I am the one that makes it chaotic. If I could just stick with what I know works, things would feel a lot less stressful for me.
I'll close my eyes and visualize exactly how I want my days/weeks to go. I mean, I know how I operate best, I know what works best for my family...I know, I know, I know. So...why can't I just stick with it. Answer is...focus issues or better known as, ADD. Which, I hate using that as an excuse. But, honestly, it's quite accurate. My attention span is sometimes non-existent. And, that makes it so hard for me to create a routine...because I get bored. I feel like I always have to change things. This is one main reason why dieting and exercise is such a struggle for me. The other reason is...I just don't like it and I don't want to do it. But, we'll look past that one. LOL! ;)
Now, going back to lack of focus and follow through. Any diet or exercise plan requires planning. I need to think ahead and plan out what I am going to eat and figure out how many points that will be. I need to plan out what kind of exercising I'm going to do and when and where and how long. Seems pretty simple right? Well...for my brain...it is FAR from simple. To be able to sit down and focus long enough to complete my planning...is torture! I lose focus...I get bored...my attention gets distracted in a million different directions. And...if my brain cooperates, and that is a big if...if, I am able to create a plan...most likely I'll want to change it. Because, well...I don't know. Now can you see my problem?!? Frustrating.
I am trying, I really am. But, my brain shuts down. Then I get irritated and say "Screw it!" So, how do I settle down my brain, so I can get to my goals. And, how can I convince my brain that I don't need to change everything over and over, especially if it's working!
This has been my battle for years! This is why I lose weight and then gain it back. I am going to go back to the doctor and really try to figure out how to help this. I was with the same doctor for years and switched earlier this year to another doctor that took lots of blood work and saw some red flags, but she wasn't on our insurance and I never followed through with our findings to search for remedies. Imagine that...I didn't follow through. LOL. So, I am going to try a new doctor and have them evaluate my current medication, and see if I need to add more or whatever. It scares me though, because I really don't like medicines. Who knows what kinds of side effects they'll bring. But...on the flip side, it may be the answer to my prayers. I really want something to be able to help me focus and stop being such a worrier. Plus, my memory SUCKS and that also scares me because my grandma just passed away from Alzheimer's disease and I've heard that it runs through the mother's genes...and she is my maternal grandmother.
I have rejoined WW, I started last week. I am determined to get this weight off and get my body healthy again. I am taking it day by day. I am being compassionate with myself, yet still forcing myself to get my act in gear. It's a fine line. I was very nervous to get on the scale because I knew how well I was taking care of myself over the past several months. I wasn't exercising and I certainly wasn't watching what I ate. So...this is where I am at right now...I weighed in at 358.4 lbs. Very disappointed and frustrated with myself to say the least. At my lowest, in February or March, I was 288 lbs. I have gained back 70 lbs in 6 months. Which, also worries me and urges me even more to see the doctor again. I know that I ate like crap, but that is a lot of weight to gain back in a short amount of time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to make excuses, I will take full responsibility for my actions. I'm just curious to see if there are other reasons why I put back on so much weight. On the plus side though, I am still lighter than where I was when I began this journey. So...that's good.
My goals...
1. To eat better. Add in the fruits and veggies. Tremendously cut down the sugar and soda. Not ready to omit it just yet.
2. To move more. I retain water like crazy and I know walking and swimming help. I will incorporate more when I feel I'm ready.
3. To sleep longer and better. If I stay active and drink no caffeine, I'll sleep better. If I go to bed earlier, that will allow my mind to rest longer which will hopefully help my focus issues.
4. To set up a weekly routine and follow through with it. Then make it a 2 week routine. Force myself to be content and be ok with not changing things so often.
5. Have fun. Stop being so hard on myself. :)
Small steps. Keep it Simple. It can be done.

Tough changes to be made.

I just don't wanna.
The constant mind wars are so exhausting.
I am a smart person. I know exactly what I need to do.
I just don't wanna.
Yes, I know. Real mature. But...I can't help it. That's how I feel.
I am beyond pissed off, disappointed, frustrated with myself. Because...yet again, I was on a great path...I was losing weight and feeling great. Then...POW! My mind goes nutso. I fell off the wagon, big time. :(
I hear all these words of advice, "Go see a therapist." "Go to an addiction meeting." "Take medication to control this or that."
I just don't wanna.
I have tried each of those in some form or fashion. And, I don't like any of them! They makes me feel like I'm more screwed up than I already am. And, that is not helpful for me. I already overthink things. The last thing that I need, is something else to make me feel even more self conscious about who I am and what I'm doing. I need to learn self confidence. I need to believe in myself. I need to be strong and make the changes that I know I need and want to make. Problem is...I am a creature of habit, so developing new habits/routines is very tough. Actually...what's tough is, being consistent and sticking with it.
My goal, all along, was to do this on my own. Meaning...I want to be in charge of how I eat, and how I exercise, and how long it takes me to reach my goal.  I am a very independent person. Many people see me as a very social person. Which in some cases I am. But...I grew up as an only child. I am very comfortable with doing things on my own. But, I have learned as I've gotten older to ask for help when I've reached my limits. I just don't feel like I'm there right now. I will ask for advice when I don't know how to do something, but then I prefer to do it myself. I don't like to feel like I'm somebody's problem or that I'm a burden on someone.
I also feel that I'm pretty aware of my state of mind and my behaviors...I hope. And, I'll do self head checks frequently. I have learned to listen to my body and make the adjustments to help better my efforts.
I will say though, I have needed this time of  'falling off the wagon' to reflect on all that I have been through and accomplished. I have discovered that some of my personality traits are hindering my progress. I don't like to be pushed. In fact, it makes me want to rebel and dig my heels in even further. I don't work well under pressure or with too much coming at me all at once. I also enjoy not having a strict schedule to live by. I really don't like having to check in with anybody. Let's just say, I prefer the laid back and calm lifestyle.
That's what I prefer.
However...I know that, if I want to complete this mission to get healthy and lose this weight, I'm going to have to make some major changes.
A lot of my routines and choices are killing my progress. So, I have pinpointed some that I need to focus on.
1. Sleep- My sleep patterns are a big problem. It's as if  I am reliving my days before I discovered I had Sleep Apnea. I eat sugar to stay awake, I'm awake and then crash, I gain weight which makes me more lethargic/tired, so I eat to stay awake. It's a vicious cycle. But, once I put myself on a set sleep schedule, it will make a world of difference. It will also help reset my cortisol levels, which I already know are out of whack.
2. Soda- I have noticed recently that soda is the #1 contributor to my water retention and bloat. My legs will swell up and feel like I'm dragging around dead and heavy weights. I never made that connection before...or maybe, I never wanted that to be the connection, so I overlooked it.
3. Structure- It's something that makes me feel restricted, which I hate. But...it is something that is necessary to ease the stress that I always have because things don't get done. When I complete a list that I have written with jobs to do, it is so rewarding. I feel accomplished and productive, and that helps lift my mood. When my mood is high, I then have the motivation to do more.
4. Wind down time- It's not good to overstimulate my brain before bed. I will play Candy Crush or whatever right before I go to bed and it takes forever to calm my mind down! I see those stupid candies in my brain...I make matches with my eyes closed. Drives me crazy!! I want to come up with a routine to calm my mind, so I can sleep deeper and not so restless.
5. Zone out time- I need time to zone out. It usually involves music. Sometimes, it is LOUD music in my car with the windows down...no kids...just me driving and singing like a fool. Sometimes, it is calming music playing while I lose myself into a project...usually with something crafty. Other times, it is getting on the floor and organizing something, going through pictures or rearranging something. Again, with music in the background.
6. Planning- I have recently set up a "menu" program with the family, that helps me plan out dinners for the week. Genius!! It has worked like a charm for several weeks. Right now it's just dinners. Small steps. Plus it was the test to see if it would help. I am now going to do the same for myself with breakfast and lunch planning once I start WW again. It will help me stay on track and not wing it so often, which results in eating poorly.
7. Exercise- I am going to stay active. I am going to treat it like a M-F job. It will be thought of, in my mind, as the necessary task to complete the hour before the store is ready for business. Yes, I was a Store Manager, this is how I function. I will be walking for sure and also do other activities that are fun, so I will enjoy it instead of dread it. I don't want to be a bodybuilder or a marathon runner. I want to be toned and fit.
8. Accountability- I will be joining WW again. This is where I will get the "therapy" "addiction group meeting" "the medication" that I'll need. I will be with "my people" who understand what goes on in my head. I will get the "rah rah's" and applause that I need to boost my self confidence and esteem. It will keep me in check with portions.
Like I said, I am smart. I know what I need to do. It will take a lot of self discipline. I will involve a lot of self pep talks. It will require compassion and patience when some days don't go as well. It will also involve lots of words of encouragement and recognition when things do go well.
I will prevail!!
I have made a promise to Brett that I will fulfill. This summer we went to Wet 'n Wild. And, I only went on one ride. I couldn't get past the feeling of everybody staring at me plus the lack of agility I had in maneuvering my body. I felt huge and clumsy. So...I watched instead. Brett, in particular, voiced his disappointment..not in a mean way. So, I promised him that next summer when we go to a water park, whether it be in Las Vegas or somewhere else, I will be thin enough to ride the rides with him.
This is my goal. In February of this year I was at my thinnest at 288 lbs, I had lost 85 lbs at that point. Since then I have put on quite a bit again...I haven't weighed yet...I'm too afraid to, really. :/ I will though, once I start WW again next week. I figure, the water parks will open next June, so that gives me roughly 9 months to work on fulfilling that promise. Considering my size and amount of weight I have to lose, I feel a reasonable goal, one that shouldn't be too overwhelming would be to lose 75 lbs. That should put me under the weight that I was at in February. If I can really wrap my head around all of the things that I listed above, there's no telling what I can accomplish!!
So...here's to...changing the "I just don't wanna" to "I'm just gonna!" I know...that was kinda silly. But, you get the idea. :D

What should I do??

What.should.I.do???
So...I have been eating everything...by mass quantities...for quite some time now.
Back in February/March I think I had an emotional breakdown. I had reached a point where,  I WAS DONE. Tired of counting...tired of exercising...tired of beating myself up for not doing more of this or not being better at that. A constant state of disappointment for no reason. I should have done more. I could have done more. This probably isn't as healthy as I should eat. I need more of those. I can't eat that anymore. 30 minutes of walking isn't strenuous enough, so it doesn't count. ETC...ETC...ETC.
After a year of those frequent thoughts it took it's toll on me. I did have good thoughts and moments of "I'm really doing a good job" too.  But, still...I will always expect more from myself.
As I have said before, I classify myself as an "Unrealistic Optimist". I have a "go-getter" attitude most of the time. Which, in a lot of cases, is good. But...I tend to bite off more than I can chew or underestimate how long something will take or how hard something will be.
Let me give you a couple of scenarios. Food... I will approach a diet with the plan of changing every bad habit that I have over night without any problems. I will eat lots of fruits...lots of veggies...I won't even have a desire to eat sugar...I will not be tempted by all those commercials...I will drive past fast food places and not even glance over...and it will be so easy. I mean, seriously...I'll picture it...in my head. And then, I'll think that it's is realistic thinking.
Same goes with exercise. I will plan out some ambitious routine. Every day I will do something. And, not just a little bit...a 1-2 hour commitment each day. Again...I picture it...in my head. It goes something like this...I wake up, FULL of energy, get the kids off to school, put my tennis shoes on and then just kick some butt. I'll start by walking or maybe even jogging for an hour...then...I do some other form of exercise! Will it be Xbox Zumba...Balance ball exercises, circuit training? Who knows?!? But, whatever it is...I'm gonna kick ass and love every second of it!!
So...this is where my "Unrealistic Optimism" smacks me in the face. I have now just set up a plan to COMPLETELY change all of my bad habits at the same time. And, I honestly think that I won't have any problem with it. But...what I'm really doing is setting myself up for disappointment. Do I think I can do all of those things? Sure I do! But, not all at the same time.
Small Steps. Keep it Simple. Moderation. Balance. I can do this. It's ok.
These words and sayings have become frequent recordings in my head. I repeat them over and over. I have to, in order to stay focused.
So...this is where I am at mentally at the moment. I have soul searched. I have come up with plans...over and over. One day, I'll be totally motivated to take this approach. And then, the next day, I will be certain that this approach is better. I am just plain confused and stuck. What do I do??
Before I had kids, I was a Store Manager for a retail store called Van Heusen...and I was a darn good one, in my opinion. I got the job done, I was organized and had a plan of action everyday. I would make a list of jobs and knock them out...usually. ;) It felt great to have a plan.
After I had kids and as I have gotten older and been my own boss so to speak, I have become very relaxed in my responsibilities. I make sure my kids are taken care of. But, the things that I have on my "mental checklist" for myself will get put on the back burner quite a bit. I'll do it tomorrow. It can wait. It's not that important.
As a Store Manager, I knew that I had certain responsibilities each day, so I did them, plain and simple. It was just part of my day. In the beginning, as a stay at home mom, it was the same thing. I still had that "Store Manager" job, I had certain responsibilities. I knew what I had to do each day. I had baby routines, then toddler routines, then baby routines again, then toddler routines again. That got me along for 9 years. Then... all my kids were in school full time. It was just me. Now what?? I'm lost. I have no set responsibilities during the day. What do I do??
That's when I started this journey. I said to myself, "Ok, Jill. You are 200 lbs overweight. It's time to take care of you." It took me about 6 months to really get started, then I jumped in full force. I had a great ride for about 6 months, then had a roller coaster ride for 6 months. Then, I had a melt down because of the degree of change that had just occurred over the past year. And now, 6 months later, and because of this breakdown, I have fallen off the wagon, gained back way too much weight.
But...during this past 6 months, I have done some major soul searching, And, I now know what I need to do.
Food. I know that I need some form of counting. It's the only way that I can do it right now...even though I get irritated by it. I have tried to use my "best judgment" but that fails every time. Question is...do I do Weight Watchers or do I do MyFitnessPal?? Points or Calories? They each have their pros and cons. With WW, I can eat fruits and veggies and not have to count anything...it's almost like having a small amount of freedom. I also have the "extra" points which is kind of like giving myself that special pass to indulge in something. With MyFitnessPal, I'll count calories which is so much easier when I'm grocery shopping. But, it feels a lot more restricted for some reason. If I go over in calories, that's it...no reserve. And, I refuse to take pills, order special meals, or go on "Fad" diets. I want real food and normal eating. And, I take enough pills so I don't want to screw up my body with any more.
Exercise. This is where having the "Store Manager daily duties" mentality will come into play. Whenever I opened the store, there were certain things I had to do in order to get the store ready for business. And, this is how I will approach exercise. Exercise will be my way of getting ready for business. I used to work 5-6 days full time in management or 3-4 days part time as an associate. So, I am going to start exercising part time at first, so I don't get burnt out too quickly. "Small steps". I am going to walk for sure, throw in some swimming and include some FUN activities. As time goes by, I will start full time by increasing the duration, frequency and difficulty levels.
This is how I feel that I can get back into the groove and not overwhelm myself too much. I can have the structure and accountability that I need without so much stress. I know that I'll have to do things that I don't want to. But...I don't have to make it unbearable and unrealistic. Just "Keep it Simple"

A Blessed Life

Brett

  



 Colby

 

 Sydney

 

 

My Husband

 

 

My Parents

 

 

My kids. My husband. My parents. I am so blessed!

I have to say that I have been spoiled since the day I was born. I look around and see so many kids that have had to grow up with divorced parents or an unhappy home life, and it breaks my heart. I do not take for granted what I have. I know what I have. I have two parents that have been by my side since the very beginning and haven't left it for 36 years. I have a husband that is darn near perfect. I have 3 kids that I couldn't be more proud of. And, not to mention all of the other fantastic people in my life that have impacted me in so many ways.

My Mom. I have a mom that always has a smile on her face. She always makes me feel like the most important person on this earth. She would stay up late just to hear about my day. Whenever I would come home, I would be greeted with a great big smile and a big loud and excited "Hi Honey!" And, to this day, I still remember that and how special it made me feel...and she still does it too. And, what's even better is...she does the same thing to my kids. It just puts a big smile on my face. Because I know, that even though it is just a simple expression...it is one that will make a lasting impression. My mom is also very thoughtful and always thinks of the little things. She observes and remembers all of my favorites and hears me when I mention something that I may want or like...even if I forgot I said anything. And, I am always surprised by it when I see it as part of my birthday present, Christmas present or a "Just Because" present. She would often surprise me with $20 on the counter when I woke up, so I could order pizza or go out to lunch or whatever. I can always count on her to listen and offer advice when I need it. We can be so silly together and make each other laugh all the time. We have the same sense of humor and bust up laughing at the same things and then laugh even harder because we're each laughing at the same thing. Then my dad just shakes his head. She is always so much fun to be around. I have such a great relationship with my mom and I know I can talk to her about anything. She is not only my mom, she is my best friend.

I have a dad that is so full of knowledge and wisdom. He may think that I don't listen, but I hear every word he says. I just don't do everything he suggests or advises. I'm pretty stubborn and have to learn things on my own. My dad has been my biggest coach in life. He has always been that reliable and dependable source of guidance whenever it came to anything that I have been involved in, whether it was a sport, activity, job opportunity, a difficult decision that I had to make or just that "help me figure this out please" rationalization that I need. He has enthusiastically coached several of my softball teams and would even come home and figure out the statistics of how each of the girls' were averaging with hits and runs and whatever else he could calculate. He has a gift of being able to see several sides of every situation and come up with the most reasonable and successful method of approaching an issue or problem. I can always count on him to have the answers. He shows so much excitement for certain things that even though I may not be that thrilled, his excitement makes me love it. He could travel everyday if my mom would let him. He remembers every detail of every trip we've ever been on. He is extremely thoughtful and complimentary. He makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, right along side my mom and Sydney. He is a very positive person and always looks on the bright side of life. I hope he knows what a special person he is.

My husband. This is where I know I have been spoiled beyond comprehension, beyond belief. I went straight from a fantastic childhood with loving and supportive parents to a marriage that couldn't be more perfect. We are truly soul mates. We have the BEST relationship and it just gets better and better. He is a man that was designed nearly perfect in my eyes. What a gentle, kind, loving, hard working, intelligent, thoughtful, silly, loyal, dependable...oh my gosh, I could go on and on. Bottom line is...Mike is down right AWESOME! We don't argue or fight, we NEVER raise our voices at each other. Yes, we have disagreements sometimes, but we communicate with each other respectfully and listen to each other's point of view with an open mind. We don't always end in agreement, sometimes we agree to disagree, but we never belittle each other or become hateful. He treats me like a queen, always there to help me with anything that I need and he'll do it without complaint. He knows me better than I know myself and knows exactly when I need that extra love and he is on it immediately. Whenever I hear him talking about me to someone else, he is ALWAYS saying kind words, I never hear him say negative things about me. Yes, we do have that usual silly teasing that couples have, but he is NEVER hurtful or cruel. We have a lot of the same dreams and goals and we both have the same views on how to raise our kids. If our kids come to one of us for permission or something, we will back each other up and make sure we know what the other has said before answering them. If we don't see eye to eye, we don't shoot each other down in front of the kids. He is a perfect partner in life and I am so blessed to be his wife.

My kids. Wow! I have some fantastic kids. Each of them bring such joy into my life.

Colby is a manager, problem solver, wise beyond his years, very witty and clever, he is the "second mommy" and he makes sure everyone is included and having fun. I love to hear his laugh, he has a great laugh. He is very social and outgoing and super smart. He was fortunately blessed with his dad's knowledge of computers and the ability to absorb information like Mike and my dad. He wants to be successful and wants to please others.

Brett is my sweet, sensitive one. I just want to pick him up and squeeze him all day. He knows when his mom needs that extra help. He can sense when I've had a bad day and is always there to make it better.  He is the silly one and loves to have fun. He is extremely smart also and has the same talent for computers as Colby. He has a drive and determination to succeed in whatever he is involved with at that time. It may be a short lived hobby, but he is in it whole hearted with the desire to soak up any knowledge or advice that he can.

Sydney is the sunshine in our house. Always singing and is such a loving and affectionate child. She will hug and kiss on us all day and frequently says "I love you". She'll make up songs and dances and is just entertaining to watch and listen to. She loves to read books and also has that brain for computers. She is much smarter than she leads on and frequently surprises me with the things she knows and remembers. She is a blunt and honest child. She is so much like me that it makes me laugh sometimes because I know what is going on in her brain. She is very silly and always has a smile.

My kids each have unique qualities that make them so different from one another. But...they all get along fantastically and behave themselves almost all of the time. I have been so fortunate to have 3 such wonderful kids. They are respectful and listen. If I ask them to do something, I rarely get attitude. I don't have to put up with temper tantrums or crying outbursts because they are all so easy going and understand that sometimes they won't get their way. We all just have so much fun together. Lots of laughs and hugs and good times. We all have great relationships and feel comfortable communicating openly. I am one lucky mom!!

The reason that I felt the need to highlight these 6 people in my life is because they are all so VERY important to me and are such key players in my life. And, I love each of them SO much and want to share how each of them has made a difference in my life. And, I feel bad that I make them worry the way that I do with my weight and health problems. I feel like I have let them down once again with how I have been taking care of myself lately. I just want to let them know that I WILL conquer this. It's not easy for me though. I have a lot of mind wars that go on in my head that many people don't understand, but I am tackling each of these wars and really trying to figure out how to change my way of thinking so I can gain control over this. Just know that I am never giving up. I may fall off the wagon sometimes, but I will always get back on. I don't want to die young, it is a huge fear of mine. That is why I am determined to make the changes necessary to keep that from happening. I have learned a lot about myself and I feel that I have a good idea of how to turn this around. It's not the aggressive approach that I had to begin with. It is an approach that I know I can maintain for the rest of my life. But, it still involves some big, difficult changes. And, that scares me. But...I know I can do it!!

I also want to say that I have many other important people in my life that mean SO much to me, you aren't forgotten.  And, I thank and love you all from the bottom of my heart for the support and love that I receive from each of you.  

 



 

 



Top 10 Lessons Learned and Simple Goals and Dreams of a Fat Girl...volume 4.

For almost 2 years now, I have been on what I call my weight loss journey...and what a journey it has been. And, I feel like a lot of my posts lately have had a "Debbie Downer" and "poor me" tone...which I don't like. I am a very positive, optimistic and "look on the bright side" kind of person. So, I don't like to bring anybody down with what I write. But...I also, want to stay true to how I'm feeling at that moment. Sometimes, I post when I'm just bummed out and have had a bad day...it helps me get out of that funk. And, sometimes, I post when I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel or have acknowledged and been proud of my progress. Either way...I am honest. I have good days and bad days just like everyone else. As much as I would have loved to stay totally focused and in the game until the end...I realize that life happens. And, it is so easy and natural to revert back to the comfort zone...whatever that may be.
I frequently post about my accomplishments physically, but I don't know I how much I have written about what I have learned about myself over the past 2 years. I am gaining (no pun intended) everything that I want from this journey. Sure, I would like to be much thinner. Sure, I wish that I wouldn't have gained back some of the weight that I have lost. But...I have learned so much about myself during all of this and that is worth more than what that scale tells me.
So here are my Top Ten Lessons Learned...
1. I have learned to think for myself. I am a wishy washy, easily persuaded and indecisive person. I rely a lot on what people think and usually base my decisions on that. Well...I have come to realize that I am not always happy with those decisions, but at that time, it felt right. And, because of this, it has made me reflect and take a good hard look at me and what it is that I want. Which has been very freeing. I have been able to make choices that are mine. I'm not saying that I am a puppet and that I only do what others tell me to do. All I am saying is, that I am comfortable with my own wants and desires and I'm not afraid of what others think, if they don't align with theirs. And, that is HUGE for me.
2. I've learned how to say "no". I want to help everybody! But, sometimes that comes at the expense of my own sanity. I will put my own schedule on hold to give that extra service if needed. Which, I enjoy doing. But...sometimes, I need to think before I agree to help out. I need to think..."Can I do this without stressing myself out?" "Will this interfere with previous engagements?" I don't like saying no, but sometimes, I need to.
3. I have learned not to compare myself to others. I am me. I know what works for me. I will look at others and think to myself "Why can't I do that?" "Why can't I look like that?" "If she can do it, than I can do it." I will drive myself nuts with the wishing and hoping. I do enjoy watching others for inspiration though, but I also have to stay focused and know my own capabilities. Not everyone is designed the same inside or out. Yes...I do need to strive for the extreme, but I also need to be patient with my limitations.
4. Find your best friend. The one that is perfect to talk to for that problem. I have many best friends. I don't mean that in a conceited way. What I mean is, I will be in a certain kind of funk, and there are certain people that I reach out to, in order to get me out of those specific funks. I am blessed to have such a wide variety of great people in my life and they each offer their own dose of medicine to help cure my blues. It is crucial to open up and talk about things in order to feel better and get a different perspective.
5. It is ok to struggle with things. I am not perfect. Not everything will come naturally. Just keep pushing and keep trying different methods. In time, I will find that method that works.
6. I am not alone. One blessing that I have received from being open and honest about my trials and thoughts, is that I have touched a lot of other people. I have opened up others and they have confessed of having the same issues or thoughts. And, as much as I don't want them to suffer from the same things that I do...it is comforting to know that I am not alone. You never realize what is going on with someone until you're able to listen. Not everyone is an open book like I am, so it is nice to know that I can 'break the ice' and learn that I am experiencing the same trials as so many others.
7. I love my body. Some of you may say "Really???". But, I do. It has taken me a LONG time to feel and say that though. But, what I don't like is, the limitations that the size of my body brings. I have been big/bigger my whole life. And, believe it or not, I do have a good shape. It is an hourglass that holds quite a bit of extra time. And...who doesn't need a little extra time, right? ;) I am soft. I am fun to squeeze and I LOVE hugs. Yes, I am still self conscious and still want to be thinner, but I know that I have a good body...it just has a lot more cushion than most. ;)
8. Simplify. I am much better than what I used to be. I am far from where I want to be, but I have made progress. When I simplify, and think about something for awhile before I do it, it makes my life much less stressful. I am notorious for over-complicating everything! Because I have realized this about myself, I now give myself 'self-talks' before I jump into a project or whatever else. "Is it worth it?" "Is this the best way to approach this?" "Will it be something that I will follow through with?" These self-talks have helped me save lots of time, money and stress.
9. Kids see all. Everything I do and say is being recorded by their little minds. Scary, huh?? I won't always make the right choices...I won't always set a good example...I will frequently say things that I shouldn't. I am human. And, my kids are exposed to all of me. So, when I do have those "bad mommy" moments, I will totally admit it. I feel that it can be just as helpful for kids to see their parents make mistakes. Because when they watch us screw up, they also watch us to see how we fix it. And, that is a very important learning lesson for them. They watch to see...will we fly off the handle or will we approach it with a level head and examine what it was that we did wrong. That will make a lasting impression on them and how they will handle their own problems. My journey is a good example of that. They have seen me gung ho and they have seen me struggle, but they have not seen me quit.
10. Be thankful and grateful for all the little things. No matter how small the progress may feel...it is progress, nonetheless. Be thankful and grateful for obstacles because that is where you'll grow the most. Don't say I should've done more because that is never ending and will lead to a constant state of disappointment. Pat yourself on the back for every step forward and be compassionate for every step back. Be accepting of differences and patient with struggles.
So...I have learned a lot. I will continue to learn a lot. I will get healthy. I will get rid of my Diabetes or at least get it to the point where I'm off of the medication. I will get rid of my Sleep Apnea. Small steps. I am making life changes...one step at a time.
Now onto the Simple Goals and Dreams of a Fat Girl, Volume 4...and I'm sure some are repeated, but some goals and dreams never change. :)
1. I want to climb my stairs without dying at the top.
2. I want to wear cute shoes again. Big clunky Doc Marten sandals. Funky colored Vans. Whatever tickles my fancy.
3. I want to fit in a booth comfortably.
4. I want to walk past a group of kids without getting those "look how big she is" stares.
5. I want to be healthy, so my loved ones can stop worrying.
6. I want to play sports again without being held back by my size and stamina.
7. I want to wrestle with my kids without fear of crushing them.
8. I want to sit in a chair next to someone and not practically sit in their lap.
9. I want to know what it feels like to not obsess about food.
10. I want to chase my kids and actually catch them.
11. I want to drive a race car.
12. I want to travel and not have to have that extra piece of luggage called the C-Pap machine.
13. I want to be attractive to sleep next to and not look and sound like Darth Vader.
14. I want to wear patterned clothes and not worry about how enormous that print makes me look.
15. I want to have legs that don't retain so much water. I want legs that are not so sensitive to pressure. I want to see my ankles and knees again.
16. I want to be able to go on vacations that are more outdoorsy and enjoy them to the fullest. I want to hike and explore. I want to walk miles without being so tired all the time.
17. I want to know what it feels like to conquer this lifelong challenge of losing weight. I want to be at a weight that all I need to do is maintain.
18. I don't want my kids to have the same issues as me. I want them to have a healthy relationship with food and not have to deal with the cruelness and limitations that comes with being overweight.
19. I want to get rid of my medication.
20. I want to shop in a normal sized person department.
There it is. Lessons learned and my goals and dreams. And, because of all my self discoveries, I have become a much more calm and content person. I am discovering who I am and what makes me happy. What is it that I really want to accomplish? How to do I get to those goals and still enjoy life? I have a plan. I am taking it easy this summer. But, once school starts again. Game on!