Thursday, June 11, 2015

No Laughing Matter

Laughter to me is an essential part in living a happy life. I love to laugh. I love to make others laugh. It is a major part of my personality. The word "funny" is probably one of the first adjectives that comes to mind when my name is said. And that makes me happy. :) Of course I would like to be known for other things as long as they're nice...but being funny means I make people smile. And who doesn't need to smile, right?
Ultimately, I like to make people feel good, whether that's through laughter, a goofy smile, a wink, a hug, helping out, listening, an unexpected treat, a thoughtful note or whatever I feel will do the trick. I do this is stressful. It doesn't matter who you are...or how many kids you have...or how many hours you work...or what calling you have in church. Life is stressful. And, if I can brighten someone's day, I'm going to do it.
I truly believe that our attitude is key in how our day will turn out. I believe, if we remember to smile, laugh a little and look at the positives, things won't feel so overwhelming or unfixable. It won't make the problems go away, but at least it will help to keep us from wallowing in self pity.
I try to maintain a positive attitude at all times. I try to look at the bright side of every situation. Some days are harder than others. But, I manage to pull myself out of whatever funk I'm in because it does me no good to feel sorry for myself. It may take a day or two to do it, but I'll do it. I don't like the way I feel when I'm down and I really don't like how it affects everyone I'm around. I'm supposed to be brightening everyone's day, not bringing them down.
So, when I notice that I'm having more bad days than good and I'm feeling down and withdrawing flags come up. I need to take immediate action and assess the situation, find the cause(s) of this sudden change in my normal demeanor.
As I stated in my last post, I wanted to find a hobby or job to help with giving myself a creative outlet, a purpose, something that will help me to feel accomplished. I am pleased to say that I have done that. And it has been so helpful being able to find something that I can do that I'm proud of and feel that sense of accomplishment. But, I've realized that this hobby is just a Band-Aid to the real issue. This isn't really what I need to make me happy again. It definitely helps, but I still have that sadness lingering.
The real issue is that I feel like an outsider wherever I go. The reason being is not because I don't connect with people. It's because I have alienated myself due to the limitations caused by my size and weight. I can no longer be a part of simple activities or chores. The past few weeks I have had several eye-opening events happen where my size has kept me from being "normal". It really pisses me off!!
For example...we painted our basement. And upon doing this, I find that it is near impossible and actually unsafe for me to climb a ladder, so Mike had to do everything that was out of my reach. And...having to get down on the floor to do trim work is just as hard. I hate it! It sucks to have the desire to do something but not be able to do it physically. All because of my own poor about frustrating! I'm not used to my independence being taken away from me this way. I would really like to paint all over the house, but I just have to accept the fact that I can't do these simple projects by myself anymore.
Another example...Sydney is now playing softball. This is my favorite sport because I played it growing up. I SO want to get out there and play with her...I want to squat down as catcher with all the gear and get filthy in the dirt...I want to stand up to bat and kill the ball into the outfield like I used to...I want to run to catch a fly ball and throw it across the entire field...I want to slide into home plate and get all scraped up. I could teach her so much! But...I'm not in the proper condition to do any of that right now. Sure I could try, but I just can't move the way I need to. This limitation is probably the most aggravating for me. The boys used to play soccer and I couldn't get out there with them either. But, I don't like soccer much, so I didn't really care. In fact, I was honestly kind of relieved I couldn't help. But not playing softball with Sydney...that is really tough for me to accept.
There are so many other limitations that have been gradually building up my anger with the situation that I've put myself into. So to shorten this post and spare you with details of each one, I'll just make a list, how about that. ;)
The Top 10 Limitations of a Fat Girl (in no particular order because they all suck equally)
1. I can't fit into booths at a restaurant.
2. I miss out on fun events because of seating options...small seats or bleachers that must be climbed.
3. I can't climb stairs without a major struggle unless there is a handrail...and it's still a challenge.
4. I can't just throw myself on the floor to play with the animals like I used takes careful effort to sit on the floor. And...I won't even get into trying to get back UP off the floor.
5. I can't garden or dig in the dirt easily because it hurts my legs to kneel.
6. I have to ride in my own van whenever carpooling because more times than not, the seatbelt in the other vehicle won't stretch around to fit me.
7. ANY kind of shopping or housework is slow going and requires many breaks.
8. I'm not able to help out my family around the farm with the horses and yard work the way I'd like.
9. I shy away from a lot of opportunities due to the fear of the unknown, like if I'll be able to fit or if there is a lot of walking or standing.
10. Freedom in general...I am a prisoner in my own body.

I went to the doctor last week in hopes of finding some magical solution to help make my weight loss journey a little easier. My water retention weighs me down (no pun intended :D) and makes it so hard to move. Because of this it affects my mood which affects my motivation to do anything about it. Unfortunately there isn't anything I can do other than take the medicine that I'm already taking. Which I kinda figured. Ultimately, my weight is the main contributor to ALL of my issues. My doctor said that I'm on a "slippery slope" with my weight. Which I figured this too. But, even with hearing that, I am grateful that I don't have any other major health least none that are irreversible. Everything that I'm suffering from currently can be fixed. Which is a blessing. :) See...I am finding the positive in the situation. ;)
So...back when I first started this journey, I signed on with a trainer/life coach to help guide me. She was an angel and did wonders for me. Unfortunately, after a year or so I was getting burnt out and began having more and more set backs, eventually leading to quitting all together. Which leads me to where I am today.
It's true, I may not like what I see in the mirror, but I still love who is staring back at me. And, I need to take care of those that I love and I need to make my own days brighter just as much as everyone else's, right? Right. Because that's what I'm good at...that's what I strive for each and every day. So...with that being said, if I want to lead any kind of normal life and get back the joy I once had, I have to suck it up and make some major changes. But, in order to do that the right way, I have to work on the real causer of my problem. Which inner demons. My inner voice is the tempter that is dangling that carrot of destruction in my face. I am my own worst enemy.
I know that I need help with this part, so I have contacted Aimee again to be my coach. With her help, I know I can conquer this. I have faith in myself. I have lost the weight before, so I know I can do that part of it. It's not easy, but it's possible. What I have to really address and keep focus on are my thoughts and emotions as to why I'm doing these things to myself. Once I get my mind on track, the rest will fall into place.
Losing weight is a tricky thing. There are so many variables and everyone is designed differently. Every doctor and nutrition expert has a theory or method to losing weight and getting healthy. And, all these options gives us something to consider and be open minded to, but keep in mind, what works for one won't work for another. And honestly, knowing the right food to eat is the easy part. It's learning and breaking the bad habits and associations with the foods and behaviors that cause the health problems and weight gain to begin with...that's the hard part.

Well...I have a lot of work to do and a lot of rough days ahead. But...I just need to keep my eye on the prize and stick to it.