Since we've moved and I have been busy with settling into our new home. And, I usually decorate for every holiday. But...I didn't for Halloween this year because I was so tired of unpacking and having my house a mess...I didn't want to create another mess to have to clean up. Which was kind of a bummer because I feel so unfestive. So, after giving myself some time to enjoy my new house, I got the desire and energy to pull out my decorations. And, with Halloween being only a few days away, I skipped that and went right to Thanksgiving. I have to say that, one thing that Thanksgiving does is help me to reflect on all the things that I am thankful for. So, I am going to jump the gun and start early with the "giving thanks".
I feel that I am usually pretty aware of how fortunate I am for all that I have, but I don't always verbalize it. As talkative as I am, I am not good at being mushy face to face. I am much better at writing it, so that is what I'm going to do.
What I am most thankful for are the people in my life.
We'll start with my husband. This man is a rare breed! I met him when I was 19 and he was the first real relationship that I have ever been in. So, I am very blessed to not have had to deal with the relationship heartaches and nightmares that I hear about so often. We have been best friends since day one. We rarely argue and almost always see eye to eye. When we do disagree, we discuss our point of view and respect each others opinion. And, when we just can't see eye to eye, we agree to disagree. He is my rock! I can always count on him to help me when I'm having a rough day or having troubles with something. He is so compassionate and thoughtful, he genuinely wants me to be happy and never have to worry about anything. He is more than willing to help out with the kids and housework. Which is awesome! He is the kind of dad that, from the very beginning, was 100% by my side with everything involving the kids. Diapers, bath time, feeding time, play time, doctor's visits...you name it...as long as work wasn't in the way, he was there...and still is. Housework, it's the same thing. More than willing to help out where it's needed...and he gives it 110% all the time. I just love this man!! What a LUCKY girl I am!! Something that I am very thankful for is, how patient and understanding and non judgemental he has been over the past 15 years with my weight issues. At my heaviest, I was 200 lbs heavier than when we met. And, he has watched me...helpless...put on this weight and go on countless diets only to give up. He has put up with my mood swings and self esteem issues for a long time. And, he is so amazing because no matter what size I was, he always made me feel beautiful. He always supports me in every decision I make and is always there if things don't work out or I just give up. He doesn't get mad, he just comforts me and tells me everything will be ok. Yet, he still offers advice and guidance to help me to see where things went wrong or just understanding me when I couldn't push myself hard enough. I am SO thankful to have him in my life.
My parents...a constant, unconditional love and support system! I have a relationship with my parents that most kids dream of. All of my life they have been so involved in everything I do. They knew the perfect combination of giving me the freedom to learn and express myself along with the rules and restrictions of still being a kid. They treated me with respect and listened to my opinions...and they still do. I have never understood how kids can be so hateful and not want to be around their parents. I have always loved hanging out with my parents! I have so many great memories of family trips, holidays, fun day trips, going to sporting events...the list goes on and on. They have always been so supportive with all of my decisions...whether they agreed or not...they supported me. They offered their opinion and understood when I didn't listen. As a kid...and still as an adult...I have to learn for myself! Call me stupid, glutton for punishment or just determined to do it my way...that's just how I am. They have been so understanding with my weight problems and are always there to help me in any way that they can. A while back they even joined WW with me to help offer that buddy support that is so necessary when trying to lose weight. I, however, quit because it was too hard. They are always sharing recipes or things they've learned to help educate me and encourage me. One thing that both of them have always been great at is praising me and complimenting me all the time. They are fantastic at boosting my self esteem! I love them so much and I am so thankful to have been blessed with such great parents!
There are some other great people that have come into my life in the recent years that I am also very thankful for. One is my trainer Aimee.
Aimee and I hit it off from day one. She is such a kind and compassionate person. One thing that is so helpful for me is the fact that she understands the struggles of weight loss and eating. She is so encouraging and understanding whenever I am having a hard time. She pushes me and knows what I am capable of before I do. She does not treat me like just another client, she treats me like a true friend and genuinely wants me to succeed. I honestly could not have made it this far in my weight loss journey without her! She has put so much heart and time into getting my butt in shape that it would kill me to disappoint her. Don't get me wrong, I am doing this for me too. But...it is so helpful to have someone to answer to. She knows just what to say to help me understand that I am human, I will have hard times, and it's ok. Just keep pushing myself because it will be so worth it. She is a true gem and I am so thankful that I have her in my corner!
I have also made some other great friends over the years. And, some of them have really taken on an important role in my life with all of the love and support that they offer me. I am not going to name everyone...this post is already long enough! ;) I will just say this...during any difficult, life changing journey it is so important to have great people in your life. I have been blessed with so many friends that have become such fantastic cheerleaders, I can't express enough how much that means to me!!
I think, one of the main reasons that I have been so successful with my weight loss this far, is because of all the kind words that so many of you offer. I am one that needs lots of reassurance and praise...I'm pretty needy that way. :) I am sure it can be pretty irritating to some, but, hey...at least I acknowledge it! Although...that doesn't mean that I will change it! LOL! So...with that being said, please continue to feed my neediness, and keep those compliments coming because I am very thankful for them!! ;)
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Back to normal.
Let me just tell you how wonderful it is to be back to normal!!! Well...as normal as a mother of 3 can be! I can't even imagine having more kids!! A BIG shout out to all my friends that are completely NUTS and have more than 3!! You know what...a BIG shout out to ANY mother!! Being a mother is the greatest gift in the world, but it sure does take a toll on us mommy's...emotionally and physically!
But...I'll tell you what...if you can squeeze in any time everyday to take care of yourself, it is so worth it!! Yes, there is guilt...I've been there. But, after you see what a difference it makes, the guilt goes away! Doing something everyday, for yourself...whether it's exercise, reading, taking a bubble bath, writing in a journal...it doesn't matter. We are SO important to our kids and it is crucial that we take care of ourselves the way that they deserve!
It has taken me 10 years to figure that out! Mainly because I was stubborn, in denial, didn't want to change and pissed off and bitter that I needed to change! I honestly never thought I could ever get to 375 lbs. I just thought that every time I ate an enormous, unhealthy meal...it was like no big deal. I have small kids, I am plenty active to burn off those calories. NOT!! It takes A LOT of activity to burn off a small amount of calories...I know this now.
I have been on so many diets over the years. And, each one, I was sure that it would be the one that worked! Ya...well...little did I know...the diet is a very small part of the equation in the outcome of success. The larger part is ourselves. How important is it?? How important are we to ourselves, to be willing to make so many sacrifices in order to succeed?? It's tough! As mom, a woman, a wife, whatever...every day is stressful...period. When I'm stressed out, I want to eat!! But...is food that important?? So, I think of my kids. I think of my husband, raising our kids without me. I think of missing out on so many things. And, the answer to that question is...NO! Although, I have to say...that food sometimes wins. Sometimes it gets the best of me. But...it is becoming less and less of a battle. It will never go away, but I am getting better at calming myself down before I turn to food.
My whirlwind of a month of stress, was a true test for me to see how I well I can handle food. I had a lot of up's and down's...and big ones! I gained 3 weeks in a row totaling 6.6 lbs. The next 2 weeks I lost big...4.2 lbs and 5.8 lbs. After that I gained 5.6 lbs (it wasn't 6.4 like I thought, the lady added wrong). Then last week I lost 5 lbs. Like I said...BIG up's and down's. Even though I was all over the place with my weight, I managed to maintain through this whole phase. That is HUGE for me!! In the past I would have totally used this as an excuse to completely fall off the wagon and not look back. I would have convinced myself that it was fine and I would start again soon...whenever that would be.
Well not this time!! As hard as it is to exercise as much as I do. As irritating as it is to track everything that I eat. I am LOVING this journey!! I have experienced some awesome things that I haven't experienced in a LONG time!! I went to the movie theater with my family and I sat in the seat...and get this...my hips were not squeezed to death by the armrests! What a great feeling!! I ordered shirts online in a size XL...which I haven't worn in years...and guess what...they fit!!!
Once again...it's the little victories, that make this SO fun!
Now that my life is back to normal, I have planned out my exercise routine, adding in a lot of new things. I am eating better and still working on a meal plan...this one overwhelms me more than the exercise does. But, I'm getting there. I have challenged myself to change up some of my old habits and start adding in new ones. Like...going to bed earlier, this one is very hard because I LOVE nighttime. And, I also want to read more...another hard one because it is difficult for me to get engaged in a book quick enough to stick with it. But, that is why it's called a challenge.
Patience...just remember patience.
So, my next big milestone should hopefully be coming very soon!! I am less than 5 lbs away from being under 300 lbs!! I haven't seen that in over 8 years!! That will bring my total to 75 lbs! UNREAL!! :) :)
But...I'll tell you what...if you can squeeze in any time everyday to take care of yourself, it is so worth it!! Yes, there is guilt...I've been there. But, after you see what a difference it makes, the guilt goes away! Doing something everyday, for yourself...whether it's exercise, reading, taking a bubble bath, writing in a journal...it doesn't matter. We are SO important to our kids and it is crucial that we take care of ourselves the way that they deserve!
It has taken me 10 years to figure that out! Mainly because I was stubborn, in denial, didn't want to change and pissed off and bitter that I needed to change! I honestly never thought I could ever get to 375 lbs. I just thought that every time I ate an enormous, unhealthy meal...it was like no big deal. I have small kids, I am plenty active to burn off those calories. NOT!! It takes A LOT of activity to burn off a small amount of calories...I know this now.
I have been on so many diets over the years. And, each one, I was sure that it would be the one that worked! Ya...well...little did I know...the diet is a very small part of the equation in the outcome of success. The larger part is ourselves. How important is it?? How important are we to ourselves, to be willing to make so many sacrifices in order to succeed?? It's tough! As mom, a woman, a wife, whatever...every day is stressful...period. When I'm stressed out, I want to eat!! But...is food that important?? So, I think of my kids. I think of my husband, raising our kids without me. I think of missing out on so many things. And, the answer to that question is...NO! Although, I have to say...that food sometimes wins. Sometimes it gets the best of me. But...it is becoming less and less of a battle. It will never go away, but I am getting better at calming myself down before I turn to food.
My whirlwind of a month of stress, was a true test for me to see how I well I can handle food. I had a lot of up's and down's...and big ones! I gained 3 weeks in a row totaling 6.6 lbs. The next 2 weeks I lost big...4.2 lbs and 5.8 lbs. After that I gained 5.6 lbs (it wasn't 6.4 like I thought, the lady added wrong). Then last week I lost 5 lbs. Like I said...BIG up's and down's. Even though I was all over the place with my weight, I managed to maintain through this whole phase. That is HUGE for me!! In the past I would have totally used this as an excuse to completely fall off the wagon and not look back. I would have convinced myself that it was fine and I would start again soon...whenever that would be.
Well not this time!! As hard as it is to exercise as much as I do. As irritating as it is to track everything that I eat. I am LOVING this journey!! I have experienced some awesome things that I haven't experienced in a LONG time!! I went to the movie theater with my family and I sat in the seat...and get this...my hips were not squeezed to death by the armrests! What a great feeling!! I ordered shirts online in a size XL...which I haven't worn in years...and guess what...they fit!!!
Once again...it's the little victories, that make this SO fun!
Now that my life is back to normal, I have planned out my exercise routine, adding in a lot of new things. I am eating better and still working on a meal plan...this one overwhelms me more than the exercise does. But, I'm getting there. I have challenged myself to change up some of my old habits and start adding in new ones. Like...going to bed earlier, this one is very hard because I LOVE nighttime. And, I also want to read more...another hard one because it is difficult for me to get engaged in a book quick enough to stick with it. But, that is why it's called a challenge.
Patience...just remember patience.
So, my next big milestone should hopefully be coming very soon!! I am less than 5 lbs away from being under 300 lbs!! I haven't seen that in over 8 years!! That will bring my total to 75 lbs! UNREAL!! :) :)
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Venting...
Ok...I need to vent and let it ALL out in order for me to move on!! And, this is just the place to do it.
I am throwing myself a pity party, so get prepared for some fun!
I am SO pissed off at myself right now! And, I have no one to blame but myself.
I went to WW today instead of my normal Thursday morning weigh in day. I did it mainly to get it over with and see what damage I caused. Are you ready for this??? I gained a whopping 6.4 lbs! That's right...6.4 lbs!! My awesome 5.8 weight loss last week...down the drain! GRRRR!
And, to top it all off, I knew exactly what I was doing, but I did it anyway. Who does that?!?! ME!! I am awful at "give an inch, take a mile"...I don't think the word "moderation" exists in my vocabulary.
So, this is what started it. Last Thursday was the wedding...so far so good...ate a little over my WW points, no problem. Friday started out ok...gradually got out of control. Friday night went to the M&M Factory and of course, bought M&M's (imagine that!)...first bad move! Then, went to a buffet...really NOT GOOD! All self-control...completely out the window!! Saturday...the M&M bags and I became very close...we bonded...it was love...I was hooked! It didn't matter that I wanted to throw up because the taste was too good to resist! Sunday...I'm ready to get back on track, all the chaos was coming to a close...I'm siked mentally and rarin' to go. Which is obvious if you read my last post. It's funny how quickly the tables can turn...the joys of being an emotional woman! Monday morning...still ok. I started my circuit and it felt great, but I got interrupted and then I talked myself into not finishing it. BIG MISTAKE!! That is when ALL hell broke loose!!
Since, I have been on the Go...Go...Go for a couple of months...I said to myself, "You know what, Jill. You deserve a couple days off. Don't worry about exercise or points till Thursday. After weigh in...no more excuses! Just relax, rest up and enjoy it." Well, let me just tell you...did I do just that! I ate everything I could find and a lot of it! Hence...the 6.4 lb weight gain.
So, this is why I am pissed. Why do I feel the need to completely go nuts?? I didn't need to eat like that! I could have rested by not working out and still eat healthy. But, I chose not to...and all the while asking myself, "Why are you doing this? Why are you cramming a whole pizza and 10 cookies into your mouth right now?? You are taking away the awesome weight loss you just had last week, and for what?!?" And then...I can't answer myself...I don't know how to answer myself. I am completely unfazed...I just want to eat. Something switches in my brain once I give myself a little freedom and then all my self control is gone! It is so frustrating!! I am just sick with guilt, but then, I do it again. Why?? Why?? Why?? All I can say is, thank goodness I don't drink alcohol or do drugs!
I am not someone that likes to admit that I am having problems...but, then again who does? I'm fine with having struggles...I just don't want anyone else to see them. I am at a point right now where I need to refocus...get my head back in it like it was before. I will be relying heavily on my loved ones for motivation and praise. We all need it! Some times more than others.
When I'm in my right mind...I know how well I've done and I know how much I'm capable of. I am ready for the challenges that will come while conquering this quest. And, I have the inner strength to make the right choices.
But...when I'm in my "why me?" mind...my ability to say no to temptation becomes weaker and weaker. My ability to reason the most irrational thoughts becomes stronger and stronger. And, I make excuses for everything.
I do understand that is life...so take it as an opportunity to learn. Which is what I'll do...whether I want to or not!
I am a person that won't let things drag me down! I am an open communicator and I'm not afraid to speak my mind...which gets me in trouble a lot!! I don't hold grudges. I admit when I am at fault.
These decisions that I have made were not smart. But, I will forgive myself and not let it drag me down! Live and learn, right?
My life is back to normal. I got my inner rebelliousness out of the way.
So now...I am going to put on my boxing gloves and beat the crap out of my inner demons. Grab the bull by the horns and surprise myself with what I can do!
As I said last week..."GAME ON!!" And...this time, I mean it!!
I am throwing myself a pity party, so get prepared for some fun!
I am SO pissed off at myself right now! And, I have no one to blame but myself.
I went to WW today instead of my normal Thursday morning weigh in day. I did it mainly to get it over with and see what damage I caused. Are you ready for this??? I gained a whopping 6.4 lbs! That's right...6.4 lbs!! My awesome 5.8 weight loss last week...down the drain! GRRRR!
And, to top it all off, I knew exactly what I was doing, but I did it anyway. Who does that?!?! ME!! I am awful at "give an inch, take a mile"...I don't think the word "moderation" exists in my vocabulary.
So, this is what started it. Last Thursday was the wedding...so far so good...ate a little over my WW points, no problem. Friday started out ok...gradually got out of control. Friday night went to the M&M Factory and of course, bought M&M's (imagine that!)...first bad move! Then, went to a buffet...really NOT GOOD! All self-control...completely out the window!! Saturday...the M&M bags and I became very close...we bonded...it was love...I was hooked! It didn't matter that I wanted to throw up because the taste was too good to resist! Sunday...I'm ready to get back on track, all the chaos was coming to a close...I'm siked mentally and rarin' to go. Which is obvious if you read my last post. It's funny how quickly the tables can turn...the joys of being an emotional woman! Monday morning...still ok. I started my circuit and it felt great, but I got interrupted and then I talked myself into not finishing it. BIG MISTAKE!! That is when ALL hell broke loose!!
Since, I have been on the Go...Go...Go for a couple of months...I said to myself, "You know what, Jill. You deserve a couple days off. Don't worry about exercise or points till Thursday. After weigh in...no more excuses! Just relax, rest up and enjoy it." Well, let me just tell you...did I do just that! I ate everything I could find and a lot of it! Hence...the 6.4 lb weight gain.
So, this is why I am pissed. Why do I feel the need to completely go nuts?? I didn't need to eat like that! I could have rested by not working out and still eat healthy. But, I chose not to...and all the while asking myself, "Why are you doing this? Why are you cramming a whole pizza and 10 cookies into your mouth right now?? You are taking away the awesome weight loss you just had last week, and for what?!?" And then...I can't answer myself...I don't know how to answer myself. I am completely unfazed...I just want to eat. Something switches in my brain once I give myself a little freedom and then all my self control is gone! It is so frustrating!! I am just sick with guilt, but then, I do it again. Why?? Why?? Why?? All I can say is, thank goodness I don't drink alcohol or do drugs!
I am not someone that likes to admit that I am having problems...but, then again who does? I'm fine with having struggles...I just don't want anyone else to see them. I am at a point right now where I need to refocus...get my head back in it like it was before. I will be relying heavily on my loved ones for motivation and praise. We all need it! Some times more than others.
When I'm in my right mind...I know how well I've done and I know how much I'm capable of. I am ready for the challenges that will come while conquering this quest. And, I have the inner strength to make the right choices.
But...when I'm in my "why me?" mind...my ability to say no to temptation becomes weaker and weaker. My ability to reason the most irrational thoughts becomes stronger and stronger. And, I make excuses for everything.
I do understand that is life...so take it as an opportunity to learn. Which is what I'll do...whether I want to or not!
I am a person that won't let things drag me down! I am an open communicator and I'm not afraid to speak my mind...which gets me in trouble a lot!! I don't hold grudges. I admit when I am at fault.
These decisions that I have made were not smart. But, I will forgive myself and not let it drag me down! Live and learn, right?
My life is back to normal. I got my inner rebelliousness out of the way.
So now...I am going to put on my boxing gloves and beat the crap out of my inner demons. Grab the bull by the horns and surprise myself with what I can do!
As I said last week..."GAME ON!!" And...this time, I mean it!!
Sunday, October 7, 2012
I'm back! Game ON!!
My month and half of chaos is now complete! WHEW!! What a whirlwind of activities, events and stress! I don't think I have ever had such a busy schedule for this long in my life!
I feel like I have been in a hole, away from all my friends and family forever. But now, it's time to reconnect with everyone and everything that have been put off for so long.
I am excited to get back to my normal exercising again! Aimee has really amped up my workouts. And, I can't wait to get started and see what this body is capable of!! :)
I am also excited to start cooking in my new kitchen and stop eating out and eating crap all the time. My mission for the next few days is getting my family back on a good routine! Which means, I need to sit down and work on meal plans, chore charts and all kinds of things to keep us organized.
I was looking back at the past 8-9 months and checking out my progress and how much weight and inches I've lost each month. It's interesting to compare numbers from month to month and see which months were better than the others. And, then try to figure out why. So here is the break down...
Month 1: Weight: -18.2 lbs Inches: -11.25
Month 2: Weight: -6.2 lbs Inches: -9.0
Month 3: Weight: -12.4 lbs Inches: -4.0
Month 4: Weight: -7.0 lbs Inches: -7.0
Month 5: Weight: -9.0 lbs Inches: -6.75
Month 6: Weight: -6.4 lbs Inches: -3.5
Month 7: Weight: -6.4 lbs Inches: -2.0
Month 8: Weight: -4.4 lbs Inches: haven't taken yet
***The measurement numbers are actually a little higher each month because I only had the measurement for one arm and one leg (not both) and I didn't have the neck measurements to figure in either.
The reason I wanted to break it down like this was because I wanted to see just how badly I did during my "funk" month and my chaotic month compared to the other months. And, honestly, I didn't do that bad. I didn't do as well...but it could have been A LOT worse! I may not have been as strict or kept to the "normal" exercise routine, but I still managed to lose weight and inches!! And, I am HAPPY with that!! :) :)
Here are a couple of pictures to compare my progress...one from a little over a year ago and one taken last week. I haven't taken too many pictures of myself recently...old habits die hard when it comes to posing for pictures. I have avoided getting in them for a long time. I guess I better get over that, if I want pictures to look back on to see my progress during this.
I feel like I have been in a hole, away from all my friends and family forever. But now, it's time to reconnect with everyone and everything that have been put off for so long.
I am excited to get back to my normal exercising again! Aimee has really amped up my workouts. And, I can't wait to get started and see what this body is capable of!! :)
I am also excited to start cooking in my new kitchen and stop eating out and eating crap all the time. My mission for the next few days is getting my family back on a good routine! Which means, I need to sit down and work on meal plans, chore charts and all kinds of things to keep us organized.
I was looking back at the past 8-9 months and checking out my progress and how much weight and inches I've lost each month. It's interesting to compare numbers from month to month and see which months were better than the others. And, then try to figure out why. So here is the break down...
Month 1: Weight: -18.2 lbs Inches: -11.25
Month 2: Weight: -6.2 lbs Inches: -9.0
Month 3: Weight: -12.4 lbs Inches: -4.0
Month 4: Weight: -7.0 lbs Inches: -7.0
Month 5: Weight: -9.0 lbs Inches: -6.75
Month 6: Weight: -6.4 lbs Inches: -3.5
Month 7: Weight: -6.4 lbs Inches: -2.0
Month 8: Weight: -4.4 lbs Inches: haven't taken yet
***The measurement numbers are actually a little higher each month because I only had the measurement for one arm and one leg (not both) and I didn't have the neck measurements to figure in either.
The reason I wanted to break it down like this was because I wanted to see just how badly I did during my "funk" month and my chaotic month compared to the other months. And, honestly, I didn't do that bad. I didn't do as well...but it could have been A LOT worse! I may not have been as strict or kept to the "normal" exercise routine, but I still managed to lose weight and inches!! And, I am HAPPY with that!! :) :)
Here are a couple of pictures to compare my progress...one from a little over a year ago and one taken last week. I haven't taken too many pictures of myself recently...old habits die hard when it comes to posing for pictures. I have avoided getting in them for a long time. I guess I better get over that, if I want pictures to look back on to see my progress during this.
This isn't the best comparison, but I don't have many pictures to choose from unfortunately.
And, let me just tell you how AWESOME it was to put on that dress, and not feel like a big, fat cow! I was tickled pink because I could actually see the difference and I could feel the difference!! It just goes to show, that these 9 months of hard work have paid off! What a GREAT feeling that is!!
Now...I am ready... to get my butt back in gear...FULL force!! It's ALL about ME again!!
Sorry if that sounds selfish, but that is what has to happen in order to get to my goal. And, by doing that, I am also getting my family back on track. So, by focusing on me...it helps my family too. If I eat well...so do they. If I get my exercise in...I have the energy to give my kids the attention that they need. When I do those things, I am happy with myself, which improves my moods...and that makes me a better and more patient mom.
So, even though I feel guilty putting myself first...I have to remember how many things it helps by doing so!! It's really hard some days. But...I am worth it!!
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