Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Getting older is not so bad...

Some people may hate getting older, but not me, I enjoy getting older. Don't get me wrong, there are some things that I don't enjoy; such as, my body falling apart and my memory getting worse. But, for the most part, I can honestly say that things are starting to "click" more and I am having a lot more "ah-ha" moments.
Since high school, I have steadily gained weight. In my junior year I lost almost 30 lbs (which I gained back) and then right after I had Sydney I lost 55 lbs (which I gained back).  Other than those periods, I have just been getting heavier and heavier. Which, is getting scarier and scarier for me now. I constantly think about dying young, and I constantly get pissed off at myself because of the simple things that I can't do.
So, the reason why I like getting older, is because I am finally understanding what I need to do. Too many times, I have expected so much of myself that I was destined to fail. I compared myself to everyone else and didn't stop to think if it would work the same for me. I just assumed it would. And, when it didn't, I gave up and lost all confidence in myself.
Now that I am older, I don't just take someone else's way of doing things and run with it.  Instead, I will take their idea or routine, and then reconstruct it to suit my style or my family's style. I have realized (the hard way) that I have to really think about a plan or even just family rules before I implement them. The questions I have to ask myself are, "Will it work for my family?' "Will I follow through with it?" "Is it something that is worth the effort?" "Is it easing the stress or adding to it?" Those questions help me know if it is worth my time.
I am a VERY creative person, and I come up with ALL kinds of ideas to "Simplify" my life. Problem is, I fail to really think it through before I get all excited and introduce it into the family regimen. And, I do this on a regular basis. I'll come up with something and then re-do it and then re-do it again. No reason really, other than boredom. My poor family never knows what the heck is going on half the time. My kids function so much better when they know what to expect...so does my husband and so do I, for that matter. Since, I am constantly changing things, the stress level is much higher than it needs to be. As my husband puts it, "I have no problem with routines, I just want one to be consistant".
So, learning this, is what comes with age. I feel that I have the knowledge now to create a realistic plan that is attainable and final. At least, one that won't change every other day.
I am super excited about this year to come!! And, because of all the things that I have realized, I don't feel so overwhelmed by what it is I need to do. I know that I can accomplish anything...I just need to be aware of my expectations and be patient with myself.  I am ready to take control of my life and start living to my full potential. Over the years, I have lost a lot of my silliness and athleticism, and I really miss it. My kids have never seen what I am actually capable of doing. Plus, I really miss cute clothes and shoes!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Organized Living

Organizing...I LOVE organizing! To the point that, I re-organize what I have just organized. Drives Mike CRAZY! Just when he or the kids get used to where something is...I change it. But, you know what I say to that? DEAL with it!! LOL! Love you guys... ;)
There is one thing about being this organized that is not helpful to me though. I have a hard time setting up a routine, because I am always thinking of a "better" way of doing it. Don't get me wrong...we do have to adjust our routines based on kids getting older, new activities, etc. BUT...things don't change that much...at least not on a weekly basis.
There are so many things that need to be organized in order to run a family in the most productive way...and all while keeping peace and unity. Oh! And don't forget, it has to be fair! But, the one thing that I struggle with, when it comes to setting up an organized routine, is transferring my thoughts onto paper and figuring out how to execute my plan. My mind is the clearest and most creative when I lay down in bed at night ready to fall asleep OR when I am driving alone. Neither way is ideal for writing down my thoughts. So, I have to remember them later...which is never quite the same. I will have ALL these great ideas and then I'll sit down ready to create my plan (or chart) and then, I'll draw a blank. Frustrating!!
I have lots of reasons/excuses of why I have not been able to lose weight. Mainly because, I have had most of my life to come up with these reasons/excuses...so some are actually, really pretty good (in my mind). One thing though, I do not like to blame anybody else for my weight problems. My feeling is, that I am responsible for what I put in my mouth...plain and simple! Nobody else. Regardless of how old I was or am.
Now, getting back to my love of organizing. My new favorite reason/excuse for not losing weight is, that I am not organized enough. Sounds logical, right? This is why I have been so desperately working on a meal-plan. But, here's where I "sabotage" myself. I frequently let reasons/excuses or the "unexpected" override any preperations that I have done. I find it too easy to revert to what I am "comfortable" with. Which is...eating out (poorly) and eliminate exercising.
So, this is what I need to learn and do. I need to learn to tell myself... "NO!". Boy, do I hate the sound of that! What I mean by that is, telling myself "no" to taking the easy road or the more familiar road. My lack of self-discipline is the only real reason that I have not lost weight. I mean...I have the resources that I need...I have the support that I need...I have the desire that I need. I just need the self-discipline to organize a plan and stick with it, no matter what comes up.
You know, we all get in our comfort zones. And, for me, as terrible as it is...my comfort zone is eating like crap...eating a lot...and sitting on my butt. Which is NOT the example I want to set for my kids! But, what's great and sometimes unexpected is, that I believe there are certain people that are brought into our lives at the right time. And, these people all come into our lives for different reasons, but in the end it's for a common goal. And, since I have opened up with my thought processes and struggles and let people into my journey, I have had help coming from all kinds of people.
A huge set back of mine is that, I don't like to push myself...so, I don't. That's why it's nice when these people step out and work their magic. I have been inspired by these people in so many ways. Some  have inspired me to be adventerous with food...to the point where I am tossing around the idea of creating a food blog. Still figuring out how I want to "organize"it. Some have inspired me to become more crafty which in turn has helped me find my outlet again. Some have inspired me to just be patient with myself and have faith. And, some have inspired me to challenge myself and set a goal for something that is so far out of my comfort zone that it terrifies me.
All of these people have made such a huge, yet different impact on me. And, I know that my life is changing for the better. I am constantly learning new things and trying to stay open-minded and willing to listen to the things that are hard to hear. All of the pieces are gradually falling into place. And, what an awesome feeling that is!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

The Joys of Self-Discovery

After being a stay-at-home mom for 10 years and then recently having an empty house because Sydney is now in full day Kindergarten...I am actually starting to re-discover myself. And...I'll tell ya...what a nice feeling that is! I am becoming aware of how much I have changed in the past 10-15 years. It's interesting to discover what used to make me happy as a teenager makes me just laugh now that I'm an adult. Movies are a good example of that. There are some movies that I LOVED growing up...and now they are totally dumb! And, it's fun to watch my boys as they are getting older and hear the same conversations that I used to have.
I am also discovering that... I think differently, I like more things, and certain things aren't as important as they once were. It's kind of strange really, because all these years, I have done things a certain way because that's what I grew up with or what I thought I liked. And, now I am discovering I don't like it that way anymore. Trick now is...finding a new way to do it or just getting rid of something that has been a part of me for so long.
Everyday for the past 10 years, my main focus and desire was to make sure my kids (and husband) had what they needed and were happy. And, there is nothing wrong with that. But...what happened was, I forgot about myself. Over the past few months, I have acknowledged that...and I have being trying to "look within" to pinpoint what it is, that I am missing. And, what I came up with was..."craft time" and "rock-out time".
"Craft time"-I stopped doing crafts after I had Sydney mainly because I was lazy and Sydney took most of my energy. I considered doing crafts as just one more thing that I would have to clean up. So, it was the first to go in order to keep clean up as minimal as possible. Well...I have now changed my way of thinking about it! I don't care about the mess anymore because I enjoy doing it and it makes me happy! So...bring on the projects!
Now, "rock-out time" is MUCH needed for my sanity! I just put on my headphones or I get in my car ...and, I blare my music...and, I sing real loud... and, I just have fun. The type of music I listen to all depends on my mood. I gravitate to Classic Rock because that is what I grew up with. But, Mike has introduced a lot of other music to me that I really enjoy also.  I have a VERY wide range. Listen to my Playlist to hear some of my favorites.
I am happy to say that, this week has been a very productive week. With all of my re-discovering...I have been able to really take a look at my habits, my family's habits and what will help us function the best as a whole.
I finally came up with a meal plan...that I'm satisfied with.  And then, I gathered up the fam and made lists to tackle grocery shopping. Mike took the boys, and he went above and beyond with his task. He gave the boys a lesson on how to look for the best prices. He taught them about reading the price tag and figuring out the price per ounce and stuff like that. All while getting what was on his list. I took Sydney and let her push the cart...which, took A LOT of patience from me...but, I took a deep breath and just let her have fun. I told her the items I needed and how many, so it made it a game for her too. Ordinarily, I like shop by myself...less headaches. But, this was a lot less work actually, I didn't have to carry in all the groceries! BONUS!
Then, later the kids helped me clean up and cut the produce. And, Mike helped me prep food for lunches and breakfasts. So, now I don't have to mess with it later. What a nice feeling!!
My biggest self-discovery is discovering my need to control everything. Giving up control is one of those things that I REALLY have hard time with. I like things done a certain way...I don't have a lot of patience...I don't like a lot of questions...I hate repeating myself. So, as much as I hate to do it...I need to take a step back and just let it happen. In the end, everyone is rewarded from it somehow. My kids learn to be more self-sufficient, Mike's feels like he's helping and I have less to worry about. We all win!
Pictures of some of my projects will be posted as I finish them. :)

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Giving Thanks

So, this is the month that we think about what we are thankful for. So, instead of doing one each day...I decided to do all 30 days at once.
There are SO many things that we have to be thankful for. And, I like the fact that November has turned into a month for people to express their "Thanks". I agree that we need to always be thankful, but I don't feel it's necessary to express it verbally all the time. It's like having Mother's Day. Yes, mother's need to be appreciated everyday. But, I like the fact, that we have that one day, where the kids can ponder and really think about their mom's. If things are celebrated or expressed frequently they can lose their "specialness" and sometimes even their sincerity. But, that's just my opinion. And, I may feel that way because I hate repetition...who knows.
Anyway...I do enjoy hearing what everyone is thankful for though, because it's not always the same. True, we are all thankful for our families...well, most of us are. ;) And, there are several other things that are obvious too. But, I like to hear the off the wall things people are thankful for...it's fun to hear what's important to some but maybe not to everyone.
So, here is my list...in no particular order...
1. I am thankful for my parents- without them, I wouldn't exist. They have a wonderful marriage and have set such a good example to me. They have so much love and respect for each other. They have given me a childhood that any child would envy. I have a great relationship with each of them and it just gets better and better as we get older. Eventhough they are my parents, and it was their duty to raise and discipline me, they have always done it with respect. They get the point across without treating me like a child and I think that is the best way to parent. I love them very much and I am so thankful they are mine!
2. I am thankful for my husband- I lucked out big time with this one! In my eyes, he is darn near perfect! What a gentle, kind soul he is. He sets such a good example to those around him. He is hardworking, easygoing, dependable, beyond smart, silly, loving...I could go on and on! What a blessing he has been in my life. And, to top it all off, he has given me 3 beautiful children!
3. I am thankful for Colby- he is the one that I see the most of myself in. He has a lot of Mike too, but the more obvious traits are mine. He is a leader and likes to control the situation. He is my "problem-solver". This kid can figure out how to fix something or make it more efficient without much effort. He has really developed a quick wit, which I have a lot of fun with. :) He is the one I would call my "Momma's boy". He loves to cuddle and give his Mommy extra love.
4. I am thankful for Brett- this kid is Mike through and through. He is silly and completely oblivious to a lot of things around him. He cracks me up and he loves to make people laugh. He has Mike's sense of humor, which is silly and animated. Whereas, Colby has mine, which is dry and sarcastic. He is a gamer and loves strategy. He is also the most sensitive. He is the one that, it just breaks my heart if things don't go his way. He is very aware of my moods and he is the first to step in if he knows that my nerves are shot.
5. I am thankful for Sydney- What a character! I haven't totally nailed down her personality yet. I do know, that she will be onery and a jokester. She is STUBBORN and persistant. She is such a little lover and she loves hugs and kisses. She is always grabbing my hand and putting it with Mike's so we'll hold hands. She tends to gravitate to Colby a little more especially for help. She goes to Brett for fun and playing. She is smarter than she leads on and always amazes me with things she's picked up on or remembers.
6. I am thankful for my friends- I have made a lot of great friends over the past few years and I am so thankful for all their love and support. I enjoy having such a variety of friends. That way I have options on who to go to for certain problems...mainly, so I always hear what I want to hear! :) LOL
7. I am thankful for my extended family- I don't get to see them often, but that doesn't make our love for each other any less. Eventhough, many of them are far away, they still support and love me and cheer me on.
8. I am thankful for the men and women that risk their lives to help and/or save others...military, police officers, firefighters, etc.
9. I am thankful for teachers and all the hard work they put into educating others.
10. I am thankful for modern medicine and the resources we have to heal and to fix our bodies.
11. I am thankful for painkillers and Anesthesia...no explanation needed.
12. I am thankful for ALL transportation...it would really suck to have to walk or swim everywhere.
13. I am thankful for computers. Although, I don't understand them and they can cause me a lot of aggravation, they are truly a luxury to have. And, it's just mind boggling how much they can do.
14. I am thankful for kitchen appliances and washers and dryers. My life as a stay-at-home mom would be incredibly different and difficult and exhausting without them.
15. I am thankful for indoor plumbing. I have heard many stories from my grandmother about her experiences with going outside to the bathroom and with just getting water. Not something I want to deal with.
16. I am thankful for grocery stores for making it so easy to get food.
17. I am thankful for electricity. I have a warm or cool home whenever I need it. It makes #13 and #14 even possible to be thankful for, as well as a lot from #10 and #16. Let's face it...electricity is just plain wonderful. I can turn on the light...I can watch TV...
18. I am thankful for cameras and the ability to catch those moments that you want to always remember or to use as blackmail should the situation arise. :)
19. I am thankful for music. I love how it can calm my mood, pump me up or make me reminisce. It is my stress relief. I LOVE to drive in my car with my windows down and the music blaring...preferably at night by myself. Nothing more therapeutic than that.
20. I am thankful for Microsoft and the fact that Mike has a job that he loves. They have been a tremendous company to work for and have been very generous to Mike and our family.
21. I am thankful for the church and the power of prayer. I may struggle from time to time with certain things, but I am truly thankful that it has been brought into my life.
22. I am thankful for schools because it gives kids a place to go to learn. They not only gain knowledge there, but they also gain social skills and friends. It gives them a place, in addition to their own home, to help them get ready to take on the world.
23. I am thankful for books and the ability to educate myself  with whatever sparks my interest at the moment.
24. I am thankful for dogs. They are a lot of work, but I love the unconditional love they show and excitement that have.
25. I am thankful for nature and all the beauty it provides.
26. I am thankful for rain and the clean feel and smell it brings. Unless you are near a desert...then it smells like cat pee. So, I try to avoid that. :)
27. I am thankful for vacuums, without them, I would have to pick up everything by hand. Can you imagine?!
28. I am thankful for cell phones. They can be a major distraction in a lot of ways, but overall, they are SO convenient.
29. I am thankful for chocolate and the ability it has to make everything all better.
And finally...
30. I am thankful for comedy and smiles and laughter without those, my life would be pretty boring!
Well...another year is almost over. I can't believe that I am 34 years old and I have 3 kids...two of which are going to be 10 years old soon. And, Mike and I have been together for 15 years! It's CRAZY! I still feel like a teenager...like, I am too young to make big decisions and be the CEO of a family...just so you know, Mike is the CFO. lol ;)
Hard to believe that, I have been blogging about my "weight loss journey" for about 4 months now, and I haven't lost any weight. There's something kinda funny about that. I may not have lost weight, but that's ok. It WILL happen. I am just thankful for everything I've learned over these 4 months. And, I am fixing my thoughts and working on the root of the problem. Eventhough physical changes aren't noticeable yet, there has been a lot of mental and emotional progress made.
I have been working on our meal plan this past week, and it is coming together very nicely. A big "Thank you" to all of you that have contributed helpful advice over the past months!  What's nice is, I think I have finally figured out a way to be successful! Super excited!!! I have to be honest though...with the holidays coming up...I am not too focused on losing weight just yet. I am getting my ducks in a row to make it happen after the New Year. Likely story, I know! But... you just watch...I'm gonna do it!!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Ugh! Meal Planning.

Oh My Goodness...Meal Planning...What a headache!
It's a Love/Hate relationship. I LOVE to research and find new recipes, buy new cookbooks, read articles about what to eat for this and what to eat for that. But, I HATE to sit down and figure out how to put it all together!
I am the WORST daydreamer! I get myself in a funk of visualizing my household being run as if I were Mary Poppins or something. And, eventhough I am no Mary Poppins...I am a person that is very organized...I love lists...I love charts...I love anything having to do with simplifying my life. So, meal planning is ideal for me...one less thing to worry about. Plus, the kids love it and I don't have to hear that dreaded question, "What's for dinner, Mom?"
The problem that I have with meal planning is, not the fact that I don't know what to do. It's the fact that, I can't sit down long enough to get it done completely, and with all the details that I want. Don't get me wrong...I have plenty of time to do it. Remember, my kids are in school all day. It's that...my attention span is almost non-existant! My family and good friends, I am sure, can attest to this. Sometimes, just having a conversation with me, it's a struggle to keep my attention. Sorry guys...just so you know, I am aware of this problem! :) My mind wanders off...or, sometimes, something is said that strikes a chord, so then, I get distracted and lose focus. Well...this is what happens to me with anything I try to do! Frustrating to say the least! I feel like one of those kids that you have to clap your hands in front of their face and say, "Focus! Right here...look at me!"
So, getting back to meal planning...sometimes it is torture. I tend to over-complicate things and turn a simple project into a time consuming headache. For example, this is what I want...
I want a meal plan that includes breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks planned out down to the tiniest detail. I want all the calories figured out. I want a breakdown of the food groups in order to make sure that all is accounted for. I want a grocery list made and shopping done...at the stores with the best deals, of course. I want all the groceries put away and all the produce cleaned and prepped. Then, I want snacks and whatever else portioned out and ready to grab. But...here's the kicker...I want it done in one day while the kids are in school. For me, that's a HUGE challenge because of my attention span. And, I have a hard time taking a big project and breaking it into smaller projects. I want it ALL done NOW!
But, I realize that, if I want to be successful at losing weight, I am going to have to figure out a way to do this. So, this is what I'm thinking. I can make a detailed meal plan and then a grocery list. I am figuring that I should hold off on the details of calorie counting and food groups for now, just so I can get the ball rolling with minimal headaches. Then, after that is done, I can round up the family, and we can work as a team to take care of the rest. I guess I am just going to have to use those 4 little words that I love so much (NOT!)..."I need your help".
Because lately, I've been lazy and I keep putting it off and saying, "Oh, I don't need a plan, I can wing it." But, truth is, I can't. "Winging it" means that, I eat out...we eat out...that's my solution to the unknown. I would be willing to bet, that, if I can get into a groove and develop a routine, I will start losing weight pretty quickly. Plus, it will save us a lot of money because there would be less eating out...Mike would be very happy about that! And, I think I will be less stressed too because I wouldn't have food on my mind 24/7. It may even help my soda addiction. Who knows, only time will tell.
So, if any of you have suggestions, advice, comments, recipes, tricks...I am more than willing to listen...and I will try not to get distracted! haha :)

Monday, November 14, 2011

I Love Me...my "Top Ten" lists

One of the things that is very difficult for many of us to do is... compliment ourselves. Sure, we can point out ALL of the things we don't like, no problem. But, how often do we really recognize the things that we love about ourselves?
Whenever I read one of those "Self-Help" books...you know, the books that are supposed to answer all of our questions. And, the most common question being..."What am I doing wrong?!" Half the time, I end up more confused after reading it than I was before! But, one thing that is frequently stated, in all these books, is...that we need to love ourselves, if we are going to be able to care enough to make a change. It is also suggested that we look in a mirror, and say that you love yourself and then compliment yourself.
Well...let me just tell you...I feel STUPID doing that! I am not going to stare at myself in the mirror and get all serious and declare my love to myself. Not going to happen! I wouldn't be able to stop laughing! But...just because I can't do that particular exercise, doesn't mean that I can't do it another way. I can do it by writing it down. I fully agree, that it is important to actually take a moment, and compliment and even congratulate yourself for being you.
So, I have put together some of my "Top 10" lists. And, I challenge everyone to do the same...
10 Things I Love About Me
1. I love that I am a cheerful person and can usually greet everyone with a smile.
2. I love that I can communicate openly and easily with just about anybody.
3. I love that I am open-minded and am willing to listen to all opinions...even if they're all wrong! ;)
4. I love that I am creative and can come up with an off-the-wall story without much to go on.
5. I love that I am witty and can zing without much thought...this one gets me in trouble a lot though! :)
6. I love that I am artistic and have a talent with drawing and other crafts.
7. I love that I am honest because it keeps me out of trouble...for the most part.
8. I love that I am very knowledgeable about music/entertainment. I know a lot about...who sings what...who is in what band...who acted in this movie...that kind of stuff. I kick butt at that category playing Trivial Pursuit! Not that I'm bragging. ;)
9. I love that I have a great sense of humor and can make people laugh. It also helps when life gets tough.
10. I love that I am approachable and that people feel at ease coming to me for whatever their need may be.
10 Best Qualities (Physically)
1. My eyes~ they are big and change colors
2. My fingernails~ they are strong and thick and when I let them grow, they look better than the fake nails.
3. My hair~ growing up I always wanted spiral curly hair and now I have it without getting perms.
4. My smile~ My dad says it lights up a room. I've also been told that it is a Joker smile.
5. My curves~ I have an hourglass figure, believe it or not...right now, it's overflowing and holds about 24 hrs, but...back in the day it was KILLER!
6. My calves~ they have a nice shape...not currently...but they will again soon!
7. My skin~ it is soft and has a very nice shade especially in the summer when I am tanned.
8. My lips~ I love that I have full lips...both lips. I was told once by a friend, that she was jealous because they are the perfect shape and hers were non-existant. Made me feel good!
9. My pinky fingers~ they are crooked and they give my hands character.
10. My toes~ they are well sized and I have good toenails.
So, there it is folks...My Declaration of Love to myself. Honestly, it was fun to do. Helps me appreciate me. No matter how difficult and frustrating losing weight is, there are just some things about me that I don't want to change. And, once I conquer this weight thing...WATCH OUT!! ;)

Monday, November 7, 2011

Move over food, you're being replaced!

So, today I saw my Life Coach, and it was another eye-opening experience, I must say. Yay!...Success! Now we're getting somewhere!
The ongoing questions that I repeatedly ask myself are, "Why do I obsess about food?" and "Why do I do this to myself, knowing how it affects my health, mind and body?" Well, the answers to those questions, were the focus today.
He was trying to get me to express how I feel when I eat. And initially, all I could answer were the feelings that I have after I eat. So, he made me close my eyes and envision myself sitting down, with food in hand and taking that first bite...Now, how does it make me feel? Which, honestly, I feel silly doing those kinds of exercises. But, I did it anyway. And, after I did, I realized that the feeling I get the strongest, was that it relaxes me...it makes me feel good. It's almost like taking a "chill" pill. A reaction like, "Ahhhh, much better..." Whenever I am in a mood that I need a pick me up, that's where I go...food. Who doesn't want to be in a constant state of "feeling good" or of being "relaxed"? So, of course, I am going to turn to food.
He helped me understand that, what I have done is develop this "belief system" about food. A belief system that food is the one thing (that I can control) that makes me feel good. And, since I believe that it makes me feel good, why wouldn't I want to eat all the time...right? If I eat, than I will feel better. If I eat, then I will be relaxed. The one thing that we haven't uncovered yet, is why have I developed this "belief system". And, why is it with food? Well, heck...I don't know!...you tell me! And, that, I am sure, will be addressed in future meetings. ;) So, let's stick with what we know now.
After uncovering this much, he then had me take those "beliefs" and disect them. Does it really make me feel good? Does it really help me relax? After thinking about it, I realized...well...no, not really. Why not? Because, I can't really relax when I am always thinking about how many more pounds I'm going to have to lose after eating all this. And, then it doesn't make me feel good anymore.
So, again, why do I have this belief system? I don't know. All I know now is, that I am aware of it. I don't understand it, but I am aware of it. So, now I will take what I've learned today and make a change. There are lots of other things that I can do to make me feel good. Since, I now know, that is what I want, I will find other ways to get it. One thing that makes me feel good is being artistic, so I will start there.
I have gone away from being creative over the past several years. And, it wasn't one thing in particular that I enjoy...I love to paint, draw, put things together, create things...you name it, I am not picky. And, I  always remember the feeling I got when I completed a project. The sense of accomplishment and "job well done". It has always been something that I'm good at and I am usually proud of my work. That is the "feel good" that I am referring to. That is the "relaxed" feeling that I get when I lose myself in whatever creative project I engage in.
I have NO idea how food took it's place, and right now, I don't care. Right now, I am going to substitute food with a paintbrush or something of that nature and see where I go from there.
I am trying to figure myself out...I want to get to the root of the problem and make this a life change forever! I don't want surgery. I don't want special foods or drinks or pills to be my lifestyle. I want to be able to get my mind fixed, so I can see food in a different light. I want to "Eat to Live" not "Live to Eat". Right now, I am missing out on a lot of things that I want to do! And, I am tired of it!!
So, I am excited to meet back up with my "artsy fartsy" self again! Michael's and Joann's here I come!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Got help?

Don't you just hate it when you have to ask for help?! I do!
But, it is amazing how 4 little words can take away so much stress, like the words... "I need your help."
As nice as it may be to have the powers of Wonder Woman, or to have a magical wand...it's not going to happen. But, can you imagine if it did?! That would be...AWESOME!...but it would also be very dangerous, I think.
I tend to be very stubborn, I like to figure things out on my own. But, sometimes, I just hit a wall and I need help. For example, I was just recently trying to figure out how to reorganize something and I had all these ideas in my head and I wasn't sure if they would work. Well, ordinarily, I would just try them out myself, and hope for the best. Mainly, because I don't like to bother Mike with "decorating/organizing" ideas. He doesn't have much interest in it, plus he has a lot of other things on his mind. But, this time, I decided to throw my ideas out there, and to my surprise, he was more than willing to offer suggestions. As a result, we came up with a really good plan. And I ended up saving myself a lot of headaches and extra work because I said those 4 little words..."I need your help."
And, when it comes to house work, I really don't like asking for help. Partly because, only I know how to do it the right way! ;) But, seriously...I feel, that since I am a stay-at-home mom, I should be able to get everything done. Mike has his work with Microsoft that keeps him busy and the kids have school and sports that keep them busy. So, I don't like to take away their "free" time with chores that I feel are my responsibility. And, just to let you know...these thoughts are entirely in my own head...and in no way have Mike or the kids caused a stink when I ask them to do something. I just like for them to be able to enjoy some "playtime" without having to help mom with "her" work. But, whenever I say this to Mike, he gets upset and says, "We are a family and we work together." So...now, when I get behind or overwhelmed with household chores, I say those 4 little words, "I need your help."
My most recent adventure, as we all know, is with my weight loss. And, I am using those "4 little words" a lot more than I would care to. But, you know what...I am ok with that. Because, I have been getting a lot of great advice, great conversation and great workouts as a result. So, not only are those "4 little words" helping me physically, they are helping me mentally and emotionally as well.
I am SO blessed to have so many people in my life, that when I do say, "I need your help." I get it from every direction. And, all I can say is...I am one lucky girl!!
So, for all of us that don't like to ask for help...just remember, "Many hands make light work". And, sometimes we have to swallow our pride and realize that we can't do it all!
Sucks don't it!! :P
On a different note...as for my "no soda" challenge last week, I'm sad to say...I didn't do so well.  :(  I started off good...then I cheated a little...then, it just went downhill from there. So...I am going to keep on trying. I'll just have to watch how much I'm drinking, and put myself in "time out" when I've had too much. LOL!  I did weigh myself though, and I lost 1.4 lbs. And, considering Halloween was this past weekend, I think that's pretty good. :)

Sunday, October 23, 2011

So long, so-da

This week I am giving myself a HUGE pat on the back!! So...take a moment...imagine me patting myself on the back. Good. Thank you! Actually, you know what...imagine me patting myself on my shoulder because I can't really reach my back...lol...gotta be realistic! ;)
Anyway, in my last post I made a commitment to myself to exercise every weekday morning. And...are you ready?...I DID!! Woot Woot!!
I can't thank my friends enough for joining me and making it SO much more enjoyable! I walked 1-2 miles each day, I went to the gym twice, and I had a blast doing Kinect Sports at home. I am SO proud of myself!! And, normally I would say I should have done more. But, I am shutting myself up, and congratulating myself for getting my BIG butt off the couch/computer chair and  moving my body. I tend to forget that I am not a teenager anymore and I am carrying around ALOT of extra weight...it's that whole distorted mental image of myself, I think.
So now,since I accomplished one challenge, I have a new challenge that I am posing to myself. And, honestly, this one scares me more than exercising. So, here it is...I have decided... to eliminate... caffeine and soda! **GASP!!** Yes, I know, you're saying to yourself, "But, Jill, how will you stay awake?!" And, my answer to that question is...chocolate, candy bars, sugar...oh, wait, sorry, I'm missing the point here. That's right, healthy...gotta get healthy.
This is how I see it, caffeine or soda, in general, is NO good. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but it magnifies a lot of other bad things. And, I am not blind to that, I just chose not to do anything about it. It makes me hungrier, more aggitated and irritable, turns my teeth yellow, and lately it has gradually been replacing water way too much.
Ever since I was pregnant with Sydney, I retain water like a camel. But, unfortunately, my water isn't stored in my humps...haha. My water likes to hang out right above my ankles mostly, but it goes all the way up to my hips. Which is miserable because my legs feel like dead weight. I am actually on medication for my water retention...which I would love to get rid of. Oddly enough, the less water I drink, the more I retain. So, it's time to replace that soda with water. And I know, I will see lots of changes in the way I feel and how I can move.
Here's a funny story about my water retention. When I was pregnant with Sydney, if I would cut my leg, instead of it bleeding, it would ooze water. Not just a little, it would actually require me to tape gauze or sometimes even a washcloth over the cut, to get it to stop. So, I told Mike to poke a bunch of little holes in my legs and I could be somebody's sprinkler system...plus it would get rid of some of that water. He didn't do it though...can you believe that?!...the nerve! My legs, were so tight, that I couldn't even bend my leg to sit on it!
So, getting back to my challenge. This challenge, is another one of those small steps to the bigger goal. I keep telling myself, one thing at a time. So, I am trying to pick things to focus on that will improve other bad habits at the same time. And, the method to my madness with eliminating soda, besides what I listed above, is...I think I will eat less fast food because of it. I don't buy soda at the store very often because I know I will drink it nonstop. So, to get my fix, I go get fast food. And, to me, fast food doesn't taste the same without soda, so...with that being said, I think, I will eat less fast food. Kill 2 birds with 1 stone, right?
So, there it is folks...no caffeine for Jilly...yep, no caffeine for me...no soda is going to touch these lips. I'm hoping, if I keep saying it, it might make it easier to do. Think it'll work?
Well, this is it. "Goodbye soda...you will be missed." **sniff sniff** Na Na Na Na...Na Na Na Na...Hey Hey Hey...Goodbye! Man...this is going to be tough...ugh!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Applause please...

Do you ever feel like, no matter how long you spend on trying to get something done, it never gets finished?
Being a stay-at-home mom is a priceless gift but a never ending job. Before kids, when I was a Manager working in retail, I would have projects...get them done and go home. As a stay-at-home mom, I have projects...thought I had them done and then the kids would come home. There is something very different about these two lives!
When I ran my own store, I would get a new floorset...along with a huge shipment of new merchandise and I would get SO excited! Yes, it was a lot of work, but I got to completely change my store, and use my brain to figure out how to make it look awesome. I would thrive on the praise I would get from the creative displays that I did. My Managers would send me to other stores within the company because I did such a good job with my own, and I always felt like I did a good job. Plus, I would get the satisfaction of having a job completed.
Running a household has a much different reward system. And, it usually doesn't involve verbal praise. It's hard to do the same things day in and day out and then have that feeling like it's never done. It really wears on you after awhile! Plus, I never get that praise saying, "Wow Mom! You really folded that towel awesome! That linen closet is the BOMB!!" It's just not going to happen, and, frankly...I would be kinda worried if it did. ;)
I don't know what I'm looking for really...I wouldn't give up being a stay-at-home mom for anything. Maybe I should buy one of those fake applause machines that I can turn on whenever I have finished laundry or cleaned the bathroom or something like that. Ooooh...while I'm at it, I should buy a Laugh Tract too. That would really make me feel good! :) I would get laughs no matter how stupid my joke is! Hmmm...I might have to look into that. Christmas, maybe?
Anyway...I also feel like my brain has slowly turned to mush over the past 10 years. I have lived on Dora the Explorer, Blue's Clues and Sesame Street for years...although I have recently graduated to Spongebob Squarepants and iCarly, so I am excited about that. But, I think if I were to go to school at this point, my brain would shut down...you'd probably see smoke coming out of my ears!
As nervous as I am for my kids to grow up...I am stoked to start using my brain for adult things again. The question now is...what do I want to do when I grow up? My lastest desire is to work with animals. Possibly as a Vet Tech. Working in retail was rewarding creatively, however working with customers was not so rewarding. When you work with the public, you gain an appreciation for what service people put up with. So...with that being said...I would much rather deal with animals than people! :)
My biggest hurdle to overcome with taking on any challenge or new adventure is my lack of patience for learning something new. I am a girl that is all about Instant Gratification! Even as a kid, I wanted to be the best at whatever it was without having to practice or study. And...I hate to say it...but I am still that way. If I am not an ace at something right away, I would get discouraged and move onto something that comes naturally.
At least I have recognized this about myself, so now I can do something about it. I think that is one of the reasons eating healthy and exercising is so hard for me. It's something that I'm not "perfect" at, so I want to move onto something that I am. Which...we all know what that is! :P
I have rejoined the Athletic Club and I have made a commitment to myself, that I am going to dedicate every weekday morning to exercising. I also have some friends that are involved in that, which I love them dearly for!
Since the kids have went back to school, I have been trying to get my house "perfect", myself "perfect", my projects all finished, and also finish everything else that my mind creates to distract me from getting all those other things done. And, It's...just...not...working!! I have to reorganize my priorities and concentrate on the one thing that will help all things...and that is ME.
Loving Instant Gratification is a pain in the butt because it just won't happen with all the weight I need to lose. And...it will happen even slower, if I keep doing things half-ass. I am going to work on exercising first because in the past that has helped me with eating correctly also. So...wish me luck!!
Once, I am not afraid to step on the scale...I will post it. :)

Monday, October 10, 2011

So grateful...

I often sit on the couch and close my eyes (usually when the kids want something) and then reflect on my life. And, each time I do, I am more grateful for everything that I have. But, what I am most grateful for, are the relationships that I have with the people in my life.
I think, that I am more fortunate than most because, I have been spoiled my whole life in countless ways. I grew up with the most awesome parents...I married the most awesome man...I have the most awesome kids...and over the years I have made the most awesome friends.
What a great life I have!! I am SO blessed!!
I feel, it is so important to not get too consumed in my own drama because it will keep me from seeing what really matters. And that is, the people that I love. I am pleased to say, that the only things I really struggle with...that I feel are worth mentioning...are my constant battles with eating right and exercising. Luckily for me, those are fixable! And, the best way to help me fix them, is to have good people around me.
Another important factor in being able to grow as a person...is to be aware of how I am behaving. Mike is not a very vocal person, especially with anything that is stressing him out. So, I feel, as a wife...that isn't always easy to live with, by the way...it is important for me to check in on him. I frequently give him the green light to vent and let me know if I am irritating him in any way. I expect him to say no of course. But, on the RARE occasion that he says yes, that helps me know how I am behaving. Since, he is the one that sees all my moods...lucky guy!...I trust that he knows what he's talking about.
And, boy...do I ever have some GREAT people in my life. And, they are all SO supportive to me. I know how frustrating it must be, to watch me do these things to myself, and constantly say I'm going to do something about it, and then I don't. But, that doesn't keep them from loving me and sticking by me.
My parents... They have always been so encouraging and have joined different programs to be my buddy and help cheer me on. They do all they can to help educate me or motivate me or just offer advice. I had a fantastic childhood with two extremely loving and giving and understanding parents. They were such great role models in so many ways...and still are. They help me out in so many ways that they probably don't even realize.
My husband...what a trooper! As a wife that has gained over 150 lbs in her marriage, it is so hard to feel beautiful and desired. But, I tell you what...he sure knows how, to make me feel beautiful and desired. And I am SO grateful for that!! He listens to me at all hours of the night. He would do absolutely anything for me. He is my rock and my true soulmate.
My kids...they are my life! And, I am their mom, no matter what size I am! They don't care. Of course, they have their worries too and they want me to play with them more. But, to them, I am just the extra squeezably soft mom with the big smile and even bigger hugs!
My friends...Growing up, I usually only had one really good friend at a time. I am better with one on one than I am with a crowd, so it was more comfortable that way. But, I now realize that I really missed out. Lately, I have gotten close to a lot of different people. And, I cherish each of their friendships for a variety of different reasons. And, I am just overwhelmed by the encouraging words and offers of support that they have given me.
I know that I can't do everything myself and I am so thankful to have so many people in my life to lift me up and keep me going.
My cousin just said to me, that she envied my love for life and ease for being happy and that I made being happy look so easy. All I can say is, that, it is a choice that I make everyday. I enjoy being happy and I try not to let people get me down. If I have a problem or worry, I talk about it. My husband is well aware, that if I am mad or worried about something, I can't sleep until it's resolved. Life's too short! Plus, it makes me happy to make others happy and I can't do that, if I'm not happy! Pretty profound huh?...or maybe just plain confusing. And, it makes me even happier to make people laugh! :)
Here are some of my favorite sayings...
Live Well...Laugh Often...Love Much
Laughter is the Best Medicine
You Don't Stop Laughing When You Grow Old...You Grow Old Because You Stop Laughing
Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get
And...my most favorite...Do as I say, not as I do!!  :)  I like that one because I have kids. ;)

Monday, October 3, 2011

Reality check...

Today is the day that I am going to face the music, and step on that scale...
I decided that it was past time for me to go out and buy a new scale because the past 2 weeks I have been slacking BIG time! Although, I have still been walking and doing some X-Box exercising (thanks to Kinect Sports), but my body is used to that now. So, if I want results, I need to STEP IT UP! Blah!!!
So...here it is...are you ready?... I'm not!!
I stepped on the scale and I was half expecting it to say, "Whoa Momma! Get OFF!!" Luckily, it didn't say that. But, after several times of stepping on, stepping off, figuring out how to work the stupid thing...there it was...the dreaded results. 366.4 lbs! All I can say now is, "SHIT!! What the HELL did I do to myself!!" (pardon the language, I could have said a few other choice words, but I didn't).
I must live in denial. Or, maybe it's my problem with Unrealistic Optimism. Either way, everything that I have been doing has caught up to me. I mean, really...how could I be so naive, as to think, that my behaviors would have a different result. I was hoping, I guess. Who wouldn't want the luxury of eating anything they want and not have a weight problem, right?
You know, we all have a mental image of ourselves in our head. And, my mental image is definitely not me at this weight. It is me, probably about 100 lbs lighter. Which would explain why I run into corners and knock over things with my butt while walking through a store. I misjudge my size all the time! I don't know why I have that image in my head. I mean, I have been over 300 lbs for over 7 years, so it's not like it happened just recently. Maybe... it's me, not accepting reality or just being ashamed. Or, maybe, it's just the fact that I avoid mirrors and cameras, for the mere reason that I don't want to know what I look like now. Sometimes, that fantasy world, is a lot more pleasant to be in. But, the fact is, my fantasy won't have a happy ending if I don't face the reality of things.
Over the past 5 weeks, I have been working more on behaviors and triggers. I have been bringing in some better habits gradually because I am notorious for rebelling if I am forced to do too much. Yes, I know, I am an adult, I need to grow up! :)  But, my history with any weight loss or exercise routine is that, I am all gung-ho for a few weeks and then I lose motivation. Which I see happening right now.
When I went to Weight Watchers, they talked about having an "anchor". They also gave each new member a tiny red stirring straw at their first meeting. That straw symbolized, "the last straw"...what was "the last straw" that made you join Weight Watchers? Which, for everyone, it is different. What was that turning point, that finally makes you realize that you need to do something. Now, the anchor, is an object that you carry with you, to help remind you of that "last straw". For some, it's a lucky charm or a keychain. I think for me...as much as I don't like it...it would be a picture of myself currently. That would be the reminder I need help me make the right choices. Since my mental image is a lie, I need that slap in face to remind me of what I have done to myself.
Thankfully, I have a HUGE support system! I have my family and SO many friends that are rooting me on. I have exercise partners, exercise routine planners, recipe helpers and little hugs and kisses that keep me on track. I am so blessed for that! I just need to remember to root myself on! :)
So, to all of my supporters...this is my promise to you...
I WILL do everything in my power to get myself under control and
My goal is to be 250 lbs or less by my next birthday (July 15) . That means I need to lose about 120 lbs in 9 months and I KNOW I can do it!! My reason for the specifics is because Boulder City has a zip-line, and the weight limit is 250 lbs. And, I want to go on that zip-line!!! And, anyone else that would like to join me, I would love it!
So, please keep me in your prayers and keep rooting me on!!

This is my "anchor"

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Family pictures

I love family pictures! It really gives you a chance to see just how much everyone has changed. Not just the kids, but the adults too! I was so good at taking pictures of the boys. The first year it was every 3 months and then every 6 months or so. With Sydney, I didn't do as well. We get a picture about every year now. Selfishly, it's because I don't want to be in the picture, so that has a big impact on how often we go. I know...I should go just to get the kids, but that's why I have a camera! :)
Anyway, I thought I would post some of my favorite "studio" pictures. We have lots more, but this is all for now... ;)

Brett with Jill, Colby with Mike

Brett (Lion) Colby (Bear)
Brett on the left, Colby on the right
Colby on the left, Brett on the right
Colby on top, Brett in the middle

Colby on the left, Brett on the right

Sydney 2007

Colby on the left, Brett on the right

Colby in the back, Brett in the front

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Focus, Jill, Focus!!

I am struggling big time this week! Why can't there be a switch, somewhere in my brain, that I can just flip to make me stop doing these things to myself!!
I have been "focusing on me" for about a month. And, it is getting harder and harder to maintain that focus. I am finding all kinds of things that I "should" be doing instead.
I have been keeping up with the exercising though...thanks to some wonderful friends that keep me company!!
But...FOOD!!! Why is it SO hard?! I am a smart person. I know what I should and should not be eating. But, do I listen to myself? NO. I can't just stop at one, I have to eat three. And then, I'm sick to my stomach. Not only from the amount I ate, but from the guilt and anger too. When, will I learn?!
I swear the "devil" that sits on all of our shoulders tempting us...is actually Ronald McDonald and all his little buddies in my case. I wish all the fast food places would just close!
Having no kids all day is great on one hand, but gives me too much freedom on the other. I am someone that doesn't like to hear the word no. I am someone that is used to getting anything she wants. I am someone that gives into herself all the time. When it comes to myself, I am the Queen of Good Intentions without following through.
For some reason, over the past few years, I have gotten obsessed with charts. Almost, as if I don't know how to function without one. It's like my brain is on constant overload. Probably because I have kids. But...my kids aren't babies anymore. It supposed to get easier, right?
One of my biggest problems recently, is my ability to focus. When I do a project, I need complete silence, no interruption. Well...when does that happen?! Never. I want to be able to have a huge chunk of uninterrupted time to focus on the task at hand. If I don't have that, most likely I won't start it. Unless, it's required for something outside of my own projects.
My house is a disorganized mess and it is driving me nuts! I keep looking at the entire house and getting overwhelmed and then, I just shut down mentally and physically The hardest thing for me to do, is to focus on one thing at a time. I want the whole house (including the garage) organized perfectly and spotless in one day. Well, has that happened? NO... Have I even started? NO... My excuse...I am focusing on me... Do I feel guilty? YES!
So...what I have to keep doing is, giving myself "pep talks". Telling myself that it's ok to focus on me.
In my right mind, I know that I am important and I am worth the extra attention, but it is still SO hard to do.
So...from the words of Stuart Smalley, courtesy of Saturday Night Live, all I have to say is, "I am good enough, I am smart enough and Doggonit people like me."
Now...it's time to get back on that horse...

Thursday, September 15, 2011

In with the good, out with the bad

Maybe it's because I'm getting older, or maybe it's because I'm getting smarter. Either way, whatever I am doing right now, seems to be working.
In the past, whenever I would think about DIETING and EXERCISING, I would immediately get pissed off and bitter and stubborn and overall immature. The problem was, that my approach was all wrong. I would lay in bed and envision myself doing all these wonderful things. I would eat fruits and veggies and lean meat and whole grains all day and just be in a perfect state of mind, no problem. I would exercise everyday with a huge smile on my face and just watch the inches melt away. So...I would fall asleep with images of myself totally motivated and driven with complete control of the situation. Then...I would wake up...
For some reason, I would expect myself to change everything from day one. And, not only that, I am in the mindset that it will be easy and I will love every minute of it. But, once I get my reality check, and realize how absurd that is, I give up. It's too hard, and I don't like pushing myself.
I have always labeled myself as an Unrealistic Optimist. And being married to Mike, who is a Realistic Pessimist, it works out great. We balance each other out. But, when it comes to setting goals for myself or anything, for that matter, I am always disappointed. Sure, I have a "go-getter" attitude, but I don't always think things through. I underestimate the difficulty and the time needed to do whatever it may be. So...I am working on being a Realistic Optimist.
I love fast food, I love junk food and I love soda. I don't love exercise, I don't love vegetables and I don't love cooking at home. So, instead of being an Unrealistic Optimist and eliminating all the things I love and doing all the things I don't love 100%. I am allowing myself to be lenient and patient.
The idea of incorporating good habits to weed out the bad habits, is genious. I have been exercising most days and by doing this one good habit, I have lessened several bad habits. I am eating less fast food and less junk food and drinking less soda and I am cooking home more. I still don't like vegetables though, but I'm working on that! :) It's amazing how the body reacts to certain things.
My attitude has also been better because I am not so hard on myself. One thing I know for sure is, that I am more willing to work hard for someone that is encouraging than I am for someone who is always negative.
I still don't have a scale and I am fine with that. Because sometimes the numbers are discouraging and right now I am enjoying the feelings I have with the changes I've made. Don't get me wrong, I still want to see the pounds go down, but right now I am ok with not knowing.
Don't worry!!  I'm not being too lenient on myself. I still want to get rid of this weight within this lifetime! But, I recognize that I am also quick to throw my hands up and I don't want that either. So, it's like walking on eggshells with myself. POOR MIKE! Now, I know how he feels. Sooner or later, I'll grow up.  :) In the meantime, Hakuna Matata... 

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Therapy? Who needs it?!

This week I went to my Nutritionist and she brought in a Life Coach to come in and pick my brain. Let me just tell you...did he do just that! I was thoroughly confused one minute and then everything was completely clear the next minute. I was crying, I was laughing, I was irritated...I think I had about every single emotion go through me in one hour. So, I finished the hour emotionally exhausted.
He had a way of taking a simple comment and twisting it around to help me realize that what I expect of myself is impossible to accomplish. I need to be able to pat myself on the back and quit beating myself up because I didn't do more.
The simple statement was, "I feel like, if I can't do it all, I am a failure." But, really, honestly, what is "all", there really is no "all", so it is a no win situation. Therefore, I will always fail. And, what do I do when I fail?  I EAT! So, subconsciously, I set myself up for failure, in order to eat. Hmmmm. Very interesting.
I told him that I use food for comfort. So, he asked me, how do I feel when I eat, why is it comforting? And, I could not think of one postive feeling that I have when I eat. It is usually guilt or disappointment because I caved in, again. So, clearly it is not a comfort! So, what is my problem then?! And, I came to the conclusion that, eating is all I know, and either I am afraid of change, or I don't know how to change. So... now what?!
Now, what I feel like I need to do, is exactly what I was talking about in the beginning. I need to pat myself on the back for all the little things. As a mother, I have no problem doing that for my kids. So, why can't I do that for myself? It definitely won't come easy, but I am sure going to try.
You know, if you would have asked me 5 years ago to go see a therapist, I would have said, "Ya, right, no thanks!". I mean, really, how could a complete stranger know how to help me when they know nothing about me?
My fear was, that I would walk in, start talking and then they would say, "Wow! You're really screwed up...I don't think I can help you!" OR They could say, "Seriously?! These are your problems?! You really need to take a chill pill and get over it!" Either way, I thought therapists were a waste of time.
We fail to realize that, sometimes, we are struggling mentally or emotionally. And, all we need is someone to reach into our brain, and help move some of our thoughts around a little. And, that is what this Life Coach did for me.
So...for all of us that beat ourselves up over every little thing, I highly recommend getting your own Life Coach. Call up your closest friend and plan a "Pity Party". A day where you can get together and have a B**** session. Get it all out!! I am sure you'll end up laughing in the end and feel MUCH better. :)
Over the past several months I have grown closer to some great friends and we have had our Pity Parties or B**** sessions. And, I LOVE it!! It is so much fun and therapeutic too.
I understand that I will always struggle with food, and I have accepted that. This week, I have continued with my focus of making the small changes and I have done fantasticly...if I may say so myself! ;) I am patting myself on the back for keeping my priorities straight and being open-minded to change.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Week One

I wasn't able to weigh myself because my scale is possessed...likely story, I know. I got on the scale and weighed and then took a shower. After my shower, I lost almost 5 pounds. And I know I wasn't THAT dirty!! It was kinda nice though, I can't lie. This wasn't the first time my scale was indecisive though. So, I will buy a new scale and will soon have numbers posted to track my progress.
In the meantime, this is how my week went. As much as I love my kids, having all day to myself was WONDERFUL! I exercised, I ate better, I rested and I took time for me. I was happy when they were home though, I can only take so much of myself!
I have learned in the recent months that I need to be more patient with myself and not expect miraculous things to happen over night. And this is how I am approaching my weight loss. I know I have a lot of work to do and I know that I have a lot of bad habits. So, I am taking it one day at a time and making the small steps needed to reach the bigger goals. I am reading a book and it says to focus more on adding good habits into your routine rather than getting rid of bad habits. After the good habits are formed and used then the bad habits will likely disappear. I have also heard that it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. So, again, I need to be patient!
I don't know how much weight I have lost (I believe I have lost some), but I do know that I have added in some good habits this week. And, I am proud of myself for the small changes I have made and I am ready to make even bigger changes this week. BRING IT ON!

The simple goals and dreams of a fat girl...

A couple of my friends have recently made lists of goals or things that they want to accomplish by a certain time. That inspired me to do the same. The title of this post may be kinda blunt...but, those of you who know me well, shouldn't expect anything less. :) Living in an extra large body limits me A LOT. So, here are some of my goals...in no particular order.
1. Go horseback riding with Sydney and not kill the horse in the process.
2. Go to a clothing store and buy something off the normal sized rack without having to try it on.
3. Play tag with my kids and not always be "it".
4. Drive a race car.
5. Go to an amusement park and ride everything, without stressing about if I will fit into the seat and be able to get buckled.
6. Climb up the stairs at the South Point without needing paramedics to revive me at the top...let's face it, I just want to climb 10 steps without getting winded!
7. Ride a bike...comfortably.
8. Take dance lessons...like square dance or something fun
9. Go on the Boulder City zip-line.
10. Wear an ankle length skirt that doesn't get raised to a knee length because of my bubble butt.
11. Sit in a theater seat and an airplane seat with room to spare.
12. Play sports with my kids and be able to throw, hit or kick the ball farther than they can...is that wrong for a mother to say? :)
13. Be able to hang my arm out the car window without knocking out the person sitting in the backseat with my arm flap.
14. Sit on the floor and be able to get back up with NO problem.
15. Get off my medication.
16. Get rid of my C-PAP machine due to my Sleep Apnea.
17. I want to walk next to my thin friends and not look like we're the #10 walking side by side.
18. Go to a water park and not be embarrassed.
19. Feel energized and ready to take on anything.
These are just a few thing that I would like to accomplish in the very near future. Some will take longer than others, but they will all get done...for the most part. ;)

Thursday, August 25, 2011

My story...up till this point

I love food!! In the beginning it was harmless, but as I have gotten older it has become a huge problem.
Here is the story of how and why I have gained so much weight. Sorry if it's long and boring. It's theraputic for me and I wanted to share it. So, here it goes...
Going back 100 years ago, in high school, I started Weight Watchers (for the 1st of many times). I managed to lose 30 lbs, which put me at a healthy weight. I was pretty darn hot !! But, I was also pretty darn stupid, because I smoked. Smoking helped me out tremendously with losing weight. I started smoking at 16 and mainly  used it as a tool to keep my mouth busy, curb my appetite and distract my mind from thinking about food.
Right after high school, I began managing a retail store. Van Heusen to be exact. I was still at a pretty descent weight. But, because of the long hours and added stress of being a manager, I turned to food in addition to smoking. Double Whammy!! It didn't take long for the weight to start packing on, and quickly too.
When I was 19, I met Mike, and I fell for him immediately. After we dated for awhile, we sat down and talked about our relationship and where it was headed. He then opened up to me and expressed his dislike of the fact that I smoked. He was hesitant to commit because of it. I assured him that it isn't a habit that I plan on keeping. I took me 2 years from that conversation to be mentally ready to quit. Smoking was not as enjoyable as it once was. I felt guilty because I knew Mike hated it. It became very expensive and started to become more of an addiction. So, I decided that something needed to be done. I quit cold turkey, I was 21 years old, and I haven't smoked since. I am so thankful that Mike stuck with me and believed in me.
So, now that I no longer smoked...it's was all about FOOD!! It's a love/hate relationship!! :)
I wasted no time gaining weight. It is one of things that I KNOW I do well!! I have NO problem gaining weight! It's a gift, I guess. ;) By the time Mike and I got married I was 230 pounds (I was 150 pounds in high school). After I had the boys, I was about 260 pounds.
TWINS!! Who would've thought?! Now, I have more issues contributing to the weight gain. I was now a stay-at-home mom with access to food at anytime. Never good!! I was new at cooking, so my meals were not usually healthy, if I cooked at all. Gotta love fast food. I would then eat all the leftovers of the kids as well as my own food. Plus, let's face it, I have twins...can we say overwhelmed?! It didn't help that I never grew up around babies, so I was totally clueless! HUGE adjustment for me! So, obviously, food quickly became my best friend. Luckily, I had my awesome parents and sister-in -law that came over to help keep me sane. Thank God for that!
By the time I got pregnant with Sydney, I managed to eat my way up to 320 pounds. My family was very concerned with my health at this point. I, however, was still in denial. During the pregnancy, I developed Gestational Diabetes, Sleep Apnea and got to be around 375 pounds (don't know for sure because I was too heavy for the scales). After I had Sydney, I joined Weight Watchers at 357 pounds and lost 55 pounds in about 6 months. But, old habits die hard,and I started gaining again.
Adding Sydney to the mix brought on a whole new set of challenges. She is a very attention demanding child. I lucked out with the boys because they had each other and they were never very demanding. Growing up as an only child, I am used to quiet time and time to myself. That was completely stripped away when I had Sydney. The hardest part with her was she was never entertained with anything for very long (neither am I really). So, she was mentally and physically draining.
I began to get more and more tired each day. And, because of that my health and weight quickly got out of control!!! I now have Type 2 Diabetes and have developed such a poor eating and exercise lifestyle, that if I don't snap out of it, I won't live a very long life. Plus, my kids are following in my footsteps, and I REALLY don't want that!
As of Monday, Sydney now will be in school full time. I will be without a kid all day, so I am taking this opportunity to focus on me!! Focus, Focus, Focus!!
I have tried so many different weight loss programs over the years, but none of them worked for various reasons. I was very close to getting the Lap-Band, but decided that I would be extremely unhappy with all the restrictions. Plus, the Lap-Band is a tool, weight loss is 90% mental. So, I need to quit relying on tools and special foods/drinks/pills to fix my problem. It is my fault, plain and simple!! I have to accept responsibility for my actions, and quit looking for someone to make it go away.  I am going to SUCK IT UP and fix it the right way! 
I have started seeing a Nutritionist, and she will teach me how eat a balanced diet and also how many calories I need to eat in order to lose weight at a good rate.
I am going to set a good example to my kids and be the mom that they deserve. I want to play with them without the restrictions of my size. I want to feel beautiful again for my husband. I want to take away the worry that all my loved ones have.
I want to live a long and healthy life with Mike beside me. I want to see my kids grow up and be able to play with their kids!
This is going to be a long and tough journey...it will be a HUGE life adjustment for me! But, I AM READY!!
So, be warned...my moods will be all over the place! Even more than usual! :)
Stay tuned....