I have had the blessing of being a stay-at-home mom FULL time since I was pregnant with Sydney...that is going on 9 years now. At the end of my pregnancy with the boys, I quit working but then went back to work part time for a few years...very part time. So...even though I worked a little bit in between having the boys and Sydney...I have pretty much been a stay-at-home mom for over 13 years. That's a LONG time. And...I am SO thankful for the hard work and headaches my husband has had to endure so I could have this luxury.
After we got married and were talking about starting a family, we both agreed that we wanted one of us to stay home to raise our kids. Mike had the most potential for making enough money to provide for all of us. Neither one of us had a college degree, but the computer field had a lot more promise than retail. So...we decided that he was to be the provider of income while I was to be the provider of daycare. ;) And, both of us wanted it that way...so it was perfect. At first, it was a struggle, but we were always blessed with raises and/or promotions by Mike's employers right when we needed them. Everyday, we count our lucky stars with how well we have been taken care since the beginning and still are today.But now...after 19+ years of being together, 15+ years of marriage and 13+ years of being parents, we are at a very different stage in our lives. Our kids are growing...too fast...and it is not as necessary for me to stay home. This is a VERY scary and exciting thought for me.
Being a stay-at-home mom is a priceless opportunity...but...it can also have it's downsides. I have lost who I am as a person outside of being a mom. I have done nothing to further my education or keep in tune with my interests. It has been all about taking care of my kids, my family and our home. Granted, I did have that year when I started my weight loss journey, where I focused on myself and made some very positive changes. But, after awhile I ended up losing my way and went back to the life that I was familiar with.
The hardest part about being a stay-at-home mom is that, quite honestly...it can be a very thankless job (emotionally). It sounds awful saying that, but it's true. A mom's job is expected and not often appreciated or acknowledged. I know I sound petty and spoiled by saying that. But, seriously...who doesn't want or NEED to be thanked and high-fived sometimes?!? I know I do. A LOT. Yes...I am very needy that way. I thrive on positive reinforcement and praise. But, it's not just that, it's also the fact that nothing ever feels finished, so I never get that sense of accomplishment. And...that can really wear on a person after a while. Imagine doing the same thing over and over again and never seeing an end to it. Seriously, I have to constantly redecorate every room, just to see something complete...which even those projects half the time don't get finished either. *sigh*
I know that one way of validating all of my hard work at being a stay-at-home mom is by recognizing how "well" my kids have turned out. And, when I get complimented about my kids, I feel that sense of pride and am very appreciative for the remarks. But...I still don't take full credit for that because I am not the only one responsible. They have a team of great role models that have contributed to their personalities and behavior. Sure, I am with them more than anyone, but I am not the only influence they have. But, on the flip side, however...when my kids behave badly or make poor choices...that is when I DO take full responsibility. Because, well...I'm their mother. And, I should've taught them better.
I don't know...at this point I think I'm just rambling. Please don't misunderstand my rant for being bitter or ungrateful for the blessing that I have had being able to be there for all the "first's" and being able to spend time with my kids 24/7 and watching them grow up from the very beginning. I wouldn't change it for the world!
But now...I need more. I am struggling with depression at this point because I am not doing anything that is rewarding to ME personally. I need to feel like I am contributing something financially and I need to challenge myself with something other than housework, meal plans and carpooling. The biggest contributor to poor physical health is poor emotional health. If I don't take care of my head, I won't take care of my body. I have become lazy and unmotivated because I am bored. And, because of that I am suffering with a wide range of problems both emotionally and physically.
I am at an all-time low right now. I am the heaviest that I have ever been...weighing in at 398.6 lbs. Yes...that's right...almost 400 lbs. UNREAL. That has become such a handicap and I am not enjoying life the way I want to.
I know if I start working and doing something other than the stay-at-home mom duties...it will help take my mind off of food and being unhappy and unfulfilled. I need something to motivate me. I need someone to answer to. I am terrible at being my own boss because I don't push myself. What better motivator than a paycheck, right?? When I was in retail, nothing gave me more pleasure than impressing my boss with what I could do. At home, there isn't much I can do that will impress anyone. They know me...they know what I'm capable of. Plus the fact...what is there to do to impress them with anyway. They could care less about decorating...or how awesome I can fold a towel...or how fast I can unload the dishwasher. What I need is...to be challenged. And, I don't want to be challenged with weight loss goals. I'm tired of that being the motivator. And to be honest, it pisses me off more than it helps...because I'm never satisfied with what I accomplish.
What I need is something different...something new to get me excited. I need something that doesn't revolve around the one topic that weighs...no pun intended...on my mind every second of every day...like my health does. I'm not sure what that is yet...but I'm looking. And I am ready to get back out into the real world. Watch out!!
I know this will help/force me to get on a schedule that will benefit the whole family. Right now, I don't have many obligations, so I create my own schedule and it is very lenient and void of hard work to say the least. I am embarrassed to say that I'm a pretty easy boss. ;) Which is why I am in the condition that I'm in today. Unfortunately.
So...with all that being said...I am excited for this new stage in my life and I am grateful for the blessing that I have been given to be a stay-at-home mom. I know it is a luxury that many mom's don't have.
I'm not sure what's in store for me...we shall see where the winds take me. Hopefully the winds will help me shed some of those 200 lbs that I have to lose in the process. ;)
I haven't forgotten about my "Weight Loss Journey". I fully intend to make those changes as well. As I stated before...I have weighed myself and will begin to do what I need to do to get back in shape. I will take measurements, pictures and keep on top of that progress. I am pushing 40 years old...only a couple of years away. And, my hope and desire is that by the time that birthday comes, I will be living the life that I have been missing for so long.
