Who I am today is not who I wanted to be.
My daughter sees me as lazy in her eyes, and she's right. She sees her mom not doing the typical "mom" things a stay at home mom should do. She sees me sitting in my chair and always asking for help. This breaks my heart.
My health started to get in the way of my normal activities when Syd was around 8 years old, so she doesn't remember much other than me getting more and more tired. I was 400 lbs by then and food had control over me. It started when I was a child. I come from a family (my dad's side) that loved food, especially sweets.
A little backstory...
I am an only child, so my parents didn't have to spend all their earnings on providing for a big family.
This allowed us to do many things as I was growing up. We traveled a lot, it wasn't always far or exotic but it created wonderful memories and lots of good food. And, we went to sporting events all the time, I loved the atmosphere and of course, the food. We went to concerts a lot because I shared the same love for music as my dad and quite a few artists and bands as well. Being an only child is the best. I get complete undivided attention from my parents.
One thing I loved growing up, was that we ate out a lot. It's something that I still love to do. I noticed, after having kids and meeting other moms that a lot of families eat at home all the time. That just seems so exhausting in my eyes. Plus, sometimes, whoever is cooking won't be able to sit with the family the whole time they eat. When we ate out my parents and I got to sit and visit the whole time without worrying about the kitchen.
Current times...
As an adult, I have the same feelings about eating out. I enjoy not being responsible for cooking or clean up AND we could all order what we wanted. I am just awestruck by families that eat home every night. I know that finances play a big role in that and I don't knock it at all. I admire it. I prefer the easy way in most things and eating out is no different.
Over the years, I have enjoyed home cooked meals more. My kids are older so we can experiment a little more. The one thing that I hate about eating at home is how tedious and time consuming it is. Plus, I'd hear stories of how my grandma cooked, so it set the bar pretty high. And I thought I had to be the same, and THAT was very intimidating and more than I could handle. My hat's off to her and all the men/women that did and do that daily for their family.
I cooking at home is a weakness of mine. I have felt a weight on my shoulders to be "that" kind of mom. The one who makes fabulous meals every night. I've always wanted the kids to say "My mom is the best cook!". I mean, I do ok, when I ACTUALLY cook. Lol. The problem I have besides not liking to cook 😉 is all the prep it involves...planning and shopping. I have ADD so focusing long enough to make this happen, routinely, was very difficult. Mainly because I always wanted to fix something different each time. So everytime I planned for the week, I was researching all over again, which took all my mental energy. So... I ended up getting fast food a lot. This was not healthy for me or my family.
Now...let's get back to my daughter and her view of me currently. A lot of my choices have led me to where I am today. I struggle a lot with that because FOOD is one of the main reasons I'm the way that I am. Granted, I have found out a lot about my health this year that has played a role in it but now my youngest is 15 years old. She has seen me miserable physically and sometimes emotionally her whole life. I wish I knew then what I know now. Quote, unquote, my dad.
I have struggled with overeating and eating crap for a really long time. About 5 years ago, I found out that I have Lipedema. This is a condition where my body processes fat abnormally and stores it...diet and exercise do not help. Due to this, my legs and butt are ridiculously large and cause major issues and pain in a lot of ways. My normal way of eating was exaggerated and sped up due to the effects of this disease.
This year I found out that I had Cushing's Syndrome. This is another disease causing weight gain. It also affects the brain and all the hormones that control hunger, motivation and happiness. In addition to screwing up my metabolism and how my body processes sugar and salt. Thus, contributing to the already growing problem.
The past 6 months have been especially hard on me. My body is weak and hurts all the time. The last thing I want to do is move. My brain is not functioning well, staying focused and remembering things is beyond difficult. The Cushing's may have been surgically repaired but the effects of it are still there, along with a few other newly discovered problems. It'll take awhile to get back to a better functioning person. I know this, but I don't like it.
My husband. The absolute best man there is. He is my hero. Because of my condition, he has taken on so much extra. Thankfully we have grown kids, but Syd can't drive yet, so Mike is a chauffeur for her busy schedule. Plus he takes care of anything that requires any physical strength or endurance. And he doesn't complain. He just smiles and has so much expression of love in his face.
The guilt I feel is awful. I see him taking on so much, between his normal job, church callings, helping out family and friends, keeping the house picked up, fixing everything that keeps breaking down and whatever else comes his way. All while I just sit there. Ugh. The guilt. I try to help him when I can especially on good days. There are so many different things going on with my body that it's a mystery right now how I'll feel each day, and how long a good day will last. It's very frustrating.
Some of my health problems have caused me to be very sensitive to food. Which is new territory for me. I don't like it, BUT...it is helping me want different and healthier food. Which is great! I know I'm inconsistent at best with meal planning and eating home. I've asked for help in the past but my controlling tendencies have gotten in the way.
I have asked Mike again to help me with this. It killed me to ask bc he already has too much on his plate. But I knew he would take this on and get it done and be consistent. I asked him to take control of EVERYTHING involving food and I promised not to get in the way. I wanted NO control in this. That next minute he was on his phone researching different Apps to help him store recipes, plan meals, take inventory of our kitchen and make grocery lists. This was one month ago and it has been so freeing to not have this responsibility anymore. What he's done is perfect. He got the kids involved in planning, cooking and rating meals.
With this set up, I am hopeful and praying that my food struggles won't be such a problem anymore. As my mind heals and the hormones get back in balance and my body regains strength, I will be able to show Sydney that I'm not lazy. I am very independent and take on tough projects on my own. I am a strong woman who gets things done.
