A New Identity

Things don't always happen the way you expect, but they happen the way you need.

I thought going to an Eating Disorder Treatment Center would be the final ticket that I needed. But...apparently there were other plans for me. 

This experience has been a whirlwind of emotions. My decision to go to a clinic came suddenly and I acted impulsively, which I usually do. It started with research, then signing in for information, then phone calls, then assessments and before I knew it I was going full steam ahead. I have thought about going somewhere like Biggest Loser to get help, but I didn't want a Fat Camp. I wanted something more mellow and sensitive to the mental issues involved with overeating. I wasn't ready for a Drill Sergeant to yell at me and make me run till I puke. That would be more damaging to me. 

I am now in a hotel room quarantined for 2 weeks. And honestly, it has been a blessing in disguise. It has given me the opportunity to reflect, uninterrupted, on my life. I am able to take a good look at who I am today and who I was before. Which parts do I want to keep and which parts do I want to change? In what ways have I been misguided? What am I willing to do without rebellion to make those changes happen? We all have personality traits that we need to cater to and mine is the need to be an individual and not conform to what's expected. I have always walked to the beat of my own drum. I hate following the crowd or trend. 

There were many years in my life that I felt stifled and unable to be that person. I have since removed myself from that and now I am trying to find myself again. I have changed over the years The beat of my own drum is different now. It's a lot less hard rock and a little more mellow...aka Dad's folk rock. ;) I am in a place in my life that isn't so chaotic and I like it. My kids are older and less dependent on me, so I have the ability to pursue other things that take up my time. I have been blessed with a husband that has been able to provide for our family so I could have the precious and priceless job of being available for our kids full time. 

With this privilege came sacrifices for me in other ways. I am an only child, so growing up I had ALL my parents' attention. I got used to being center of attention, I enjoyed it. I have very loving and complimentary parents, so I was praised often. It was attention that I thrived on and needed for reassurance. I also grew up with other influences that weren't so positive all the time. I felt as though I was under a microscope and being judged on everything I did and said. And, it was vocalized whenever I did something not to their expectations. Because of that, the praise and positive reinforcement became that much more necessary for me to feel I was doing ok.

This need for acceptance rolled into my adulthood. It affected the relationships and friendships I had and how I performed at work. I didn't like not being on everyone's good side. I did things intentionally to get that praise and feel accepted. If I didn't get the reaction I wanted, it really hurt and I questioned what I did wrong. I would withdraw a bit. That attention is so important to my well being. When I became a mom and quit my job to stay at home, it was a rude awakening for me. I was completely stripped away from that daily praise of "job well done". I no longer had a job that I could clock out and be satisfied with a completed project or task. I now, as a new mom, have a job that is thankless in many ways. My job is never done. I can't clock out. I don't get thanked or praised for my efforts. I don't live with my parents anymore that spoiled me with affection and approval. Mike didn't come from a family that was affectionate or open with their emotions. So, he wasn't as vocal with me as I needed. Plus he wasn't observant to the work I did as much. Not in a bad way, he just doesn't notice things. He does now because he's older and has learned what I need from him in that way. 

It was during this time that my dependency on food became more of a problem. Food was and is my drug to release a "high" in my mind...a euphoria, a temporary mood lifter and source of receiving that emotion I feel when I've been praised or acknowledged. So...I indulged in that drug often. I was able to manage things just fine for several years with this addiction. But, the weight gain came on fast and started to affect my ability and desire to do things. It wasn't a big issue when the boys were toddlers, but by the time I had Sydney, it became a big issue. By that point, I was Diabetic and newly diagnosed with Sleep Apnea. The Sleep Apnea contributed to the weight gain because I had it before Sydney was born I think. You lose sleep with new babies...no new news there. I would eat to stay awake, usually sugar, then crash, then eat more sugar, then crash...and so on. Hence, the ever growing number on the scale. 

I lived day to day, constantly feeding my face to get that "high" that I craved. Once Sydney was old enough to go to school full time, I had a new sense of freedom. I had all day to myself. I took that opportunity to reach out to a trainer and start Weight Watchers to help me lose all the weight I had put on over the years. I also started this Blog, but I didn't realize at the time, that starting this blog was going to give me the praise that I was aching for. I opened up about my struggles and journey during all this. In turn, I created a huge following of supporters that lift me up and keep my spirits high. For that, I am humbled and forever grateful. And, by doing this, I opened up a new way to receive the attention that I desired...the compliments and vocal affirmations, the "good job" comments that I didn't hear very often...except from my mom and dad. ;) Mike was still learning at this point. 

So, I started to think about my blog and Facebook group and wondered how it's helped me over the years. And, I came to a realization today. I realized that by creating these outlets, I have inadvertently created an unhealthy identity for myself because of my need of positive reinforcement. My weight problem IS my identity. I have created this person unaware of the reason behind it. I know I had a problem with eating long before this, but I think I made things worse by making my journey public. I know it's inspiring to many of you because of the fact that I never give up. But, I worry now if that's because, if I succeed then my posts won't be necessary, and then everyone will lose interest in me. I couldn't handle not hearing "I love you" and "you're amazing" so often. That acceptance and reassurance has become another drug that I have become dependent on. How will I get those vocal affirmations? How will I get those 'good job' comments? Will anyone acknowledge me anymore?? My fear of not being needed or noticed subconsciously outweighed my need to be healthy. What started as a harmless way to connect with others and inspire eventually spiraled into an unhealthy obsession.  

I'm sure this all must sound crazy! Only child stereotype to a tee. Constant need for attention. But...right now...it makes perfect sense to me. If I couldn't get recognition from my kids then I needed to get it from somewhere else. Right?? Am I delusional??

With this epiphany, things are starting to become clearer in my head on how I can move forward and not make my weight and health problems such a main focus for me anymore. I am in a new stage in my life, one where I can create a new purpose, one where I can feed my mind in a healthy way. I have created my craft business and have received great feedback. This is where I can pull that "high" from. A new focus. A new identity. A new outlet.

This is good. I am seeing a future that doesn't look so glum. I may have only been in treatment for a few days, but it has helped me see things from a different perspective. I am so happy I decided to do this. It has caused a great deal of stress on Mike with me being gone, mainly because I decided to get a puppy right before I left. Yes, I know. Wife of the year award. But, also because we are a team 100% and when one of us is gone, the other has a hard time playing the game alone. I can't express enough how much I appreciate Mike taking on so much to let me do this. It has been what I needed to reset myself.

So...it is with much thought that I have decided that I am no longer going to make my weight loss journey public. I don't want attention for this anymore. I apologize to those that have become invested in me and my progress...or lack there of, physically. I will forever be grateful for the family and friends that have stuck with me through ALL the ups and downs through this LONG journey. Your comments were read often for the pick me up's that I needed at the time. But, it is time...well past time, for me to close this chapter. And find my new identity. Thank you all for your love and support! <3 This will be my last Blog post and my Facebook group will also become silent. 

I will continue on my journey to good health. I will do so in my own way without the thought in the back of my mind of how my "audience" will react. I love you all. I am not giving up. I PROMISE!! I am just tired of this being my main focus. It is still a focus, but not one I want to obsess about anymore. 

Be happy with who you are

It has been a REALLY long time since I've journaled on this blog. Mainly because I am disappointed in myself and feel like a broken record posting about the same old same old. But, it is what it is...story of my life.
Here's where I'm at today. In October, it'll be 2 years since my weight loss surgery of the Gastric Sleeve. I honestly didn't feel or see the impact I was hoping for with this surgery. I lost 110 lbs at my lowest, but I didn't stay there long. My problem, for my whole life, has been consistency. I am terrible at sticking to anything for a long period of time. Diets especially. I know, it's not supposed to be a "diet", it's supposed to be a "lifestyle change". Well...screw that, it's a diet! At least until I can create a new normal. And with my history of inconsistency, I never stick to the "diet" long enough to get to the lifestyle change transition.
All my life, I have compared myself to everyone...which most of us do. It's natural and if it's done right, it can be used positively as inspiration to change what you want to change. But, I do this comparison with the thought that I need to change who I am. I get this feeling that these individuals are better than I am, so I start doing things the way they do in order to be like them. And, it's not always about looks either. Sometimes it's about parenting, career, education, lifestyle...whatever I happen to notice and envy or admire.
I grew up with cousins and best friends that were thin and beautiful. And, when you're the chubby girl standing next to them, it really makes an impact on your self-esteem and views on what is preferred or more appealing. The boys always chose them over me and because I was next to someone smaller, it made me look bigger. When I look back on those days now, as an adult, I see a completely different girl than I did in that moment. Obviously there were other factors about me that made the boys view me as the "good friend" instead of girlfriend material. I realize now, that my personality was pretty strong for those timid boys. My sense of humor is one that isn't always understood right away, so it could scare off those not interested in me or getting to know me. So, looking back, I think I intimidated some of the boys unintentionally. Probably pissed off some girls too.
As an adult, I joined a church that toyed with my insecurities in other ways. Not as much looks this time though. Don't get me wrong, I was around very beautiful ladies that made me envious in many ways. But, I was married by this point and openly loved no matter what my size was. At this stage in my life, it was comparing myself to other moms and their parenting, it was comparing myself to other homemakers and their domestic abilities, it was comparing myself to other professionals and their knowledge, it was comparing myself to righteous people and feeling unworthy.
This constant self doubt can be very exhausting, but it was entirely self-inflicted. The friends that I made during this time never made me feel like I didn't belong. They loved me...flaws and all and still do. The stress was brought on because I admired them all so much for various reasons. The homemakers that make fresh bread, homemade meals, perfect desserts, handmade costumes, spend hours canning food for their fully stocked home storage...basically the "farmer's wife" life. I've always been drawn to that and those abilities and talents.
The MOM comparison. Honesty, I've always been proud of my mom abilities because I have some great kids and I know that I was the most prominent person in their life at a young age because Mike traveled a lot. But, by no means, am I taking full credit...my head isn't that big. I am fully aware that my kids have had a village of great role models that have helped me A LOT! But, looking back, I can honestly say that I did a good job. However...there are some traits of a mom that I lack big time. I am not very strict and I don't push my kids enough. Mike always took that role. He instilled a good work ethic and taught them numerous life skills. The moms that are able to do that in addition to being the nurturer are the moms that I take notes from. How do you create a schedule and stick with it? How are you able to stay on budget? How do you enforce chores and rules without swaying? Putting it bluntly...I am a softy.
The reason I am writing all of this is because I have gotten lost in the lives of others, and have forgotten who I am and what makes ME happy. I was driving the other day and, as usual, beating myself up for not doing this or that or for not being this way or that way AND being 43 years old still struggling with the same problems. It's frustrating and causes me to say "screw it" more times than I should. I get tired of the constant war in my head of who I think I should be and not being satisfied and happy with who I really am.
The main reasons that I wanted to lose weight originally was because I love sports and riding roller coasters, I love getting on the floor and playing with animals and babies, I love going to water parks or the lake and going down slides or riding on a water raft. I can't do much of that right now. I am trapped in my body. Some of it is psychological, but some of it is my size and mobility. I wanted to be that mom that did everything. So, I get very depressed because all these years have gone by and I have missed out on so much of those things. I feel that this is who a mom should be.
But, then I thought, there are all kinds of moms and just because I don't do those things, does that make me less of a mom? Am I not the mom that is desired? Same goes for ALL the other things that I don't do well. I put so many rules and regulations on myself to be "perfect" that I lose sight of things that matter. I am not a domestic person, I don't want to make fresh bread, my desserts are edible at best and I have NO desire to can food for storage. That's me. Love it or not. I would rather buy a present than make one. I would rather throw something away than try to fix it. I think having strict rules for my kids doesn't allow them to voice their own ideas. I like working as a team with respect for one another...they know who the boss is but they also know I am flexible and open minded.
Going back to the weight loss struggle. I am so tired of it. I try to be extreme to make the most impact and to see the quickest results. But, it makes me miserable and changes my mood. I enjoy being bigger, I can say that now as an adult. It's who I am. I am soft and cuddly, I have curves and jiggles. I love food. I don't want it to be my enemy. I just need to get to a more manageable weight for my diabetes and other health concerns. Slow and steady. I will continue to work on moderation and cutting down on the sugar. I get tired of saying that I am going to do some extreme change for whatever period of time and failing. Then seeing the disappointment in my loved ones faces and the comments about how I never follow through. They are right. I HATE that reputation. I am going to live my life day by day and try to make the right choices each day. I do much better when I don't have pressure to perform or conform to a mold. It will take longer, but I will be much happier emotionally. The person that I believe that I am is a positive one that brings smiles and helps lift up people around me. When I force myself to do something that takes that side of me away, I don't like that. I will find that balance that I need to stay in a good state of mind but also be mindful of my physical health.
So that is what is weighing on my mind lately. What makes me happy and not trying to be someone that I am not. Being able to live my life without so much guilt and worry of what others think and do.