Finding balance.

Some days I am my worst enemy!
I swear I can get into my own head and really screw with myself! If there is something that I don't want to do, I can rationalize why it's ok not to do it. Not really a talent that is beneficial to my progress. I have the hardest time pushing myself sometimes! I guess that's natural, I just wish it wasn't so frequent.
Sometimes I wonder if, subconsciously, I am afraid to be thin. It is foreign territory for me. I know I'm not even close to being thin right now...but, I am about to be under 300 lbs for the first time in 8 1/2 years. That is just hard for me to imagine. I still remember the day that I hit 300 lbs...not one that I look fondly on, but it stuck with me. My SIL and I were talking about getting in shape and "buddying" up to support each other. So we made posters with goals and some other things on it, to get us charged up and ready to go. We had to weigh ourselves so we'd have a starting point...that was the day I hit over 300. I couldn't believe it!! How did I let myself get that heavy?? Little did I know then, that I would eventually reach 375 lbs...incomprehensible!!
During those 8 years...I was pissed and bitter at the world and in a self-hate mode a lot of the time. How could I let this happen? Why can't I eat what I want and not gain weight? I didn't understand. So...to get back at the world...I ate. Sounds mature, right? Well...I was young and stupid. I'm not saying that I've got it all figured out now...because I don't! But, at least I am smart enough now to realize and admit that my way of thinking back then, was only hurting myself. I just wish it was smart enough to listen.
So...here I am, 35 years old and still dealing with the same inner voices convincing myself to misbehave. Will I ever grow out of that? Eventually, I hope. Although...misbehaving can keep things more fun. As long as it's not illegal, right? I think I am just too hard on myself. It's a give and take...just like in any relationship. Allow myself to have slack off days, but keep diligent the majority of the time. If I'm not enjoying life and what I'm doing, then I won't stick with it.
The secret is finding that balance. How do I balance work and play?? That is the question that stumps most people. I know it does my husband. There are so many things I want to do, need to do and have to do. How do I organize my day to get it all done? Prioritize. What's most important? And, let me just tell you...that changes minute to minute based on my mood! Also...by level of enjoyment. ;) Anyway...everyone has a different formula for how to balance their lives. Some days it works and some days it totally bombs. The best thing we can do is keep our head up, try again, learn from our mistakes and move on.
Life throws so many curve balls. Just stay focused...keep your eye on the ball and knock it out of the park! That's what I have to tell myself whenever I get frazzled and overwhelmed. One day at a time. It'll happen...just stay focused!
In the meantime...I'll just have to keep fighting with my inner voices. They are persistent little buggers!! But, I am stronger and louder and I will win in the end!