This week has been very eye opening for me. I've always known that I need visuals in order to better understand what's being taught or told to me. And, that is exactly what I got last week. I got a glimpse into how my body is functioning for me right now. A clear visual. Not just a feeling that I have on my own to rely on.
Every day I wake up and my body decides how it wants to feel each day. Some days it's feeling pretty good, my legs don't feel extra heavy with water retention, so it's easier for me to be productive. Other days, from the hips down my body feels like dead weight, so doing anything wears me out really fast. I function each day based entirely on how I feel...I have no clue what's going on beneath the surface. I am not a doctor, so I cannot diagnose myself if something doesn't feel quite right. I have addressed the water retention problem repeatedly and have only been given medicine (which does not seem to do a whole lot). There has been no in depth search as to why I suffer from this. My guess is my diet, so I live with the reality of dealing with this until I adjust my diet. I do try to understand what the triggers are based on how I feel after I eat certain things, but that doesn't always mean I change it. Unfortunately, that's all I have to go by because I can't see the underlying problems.
To make matters worse, I quite frequently live in a state of denial (ignorance is bliss) so I assume everything is fine. I understand the restrictions that my weight puts on me, so when I experience any feelings that I think are weight related, I dismiss it as so. I don't quite understand how the body works, so I don't realize what else might be going on. Plus, to add on to that, I am a self-doubter. I will feel symptoms or something not quite right, and I'll question it. I'll ask myself, "Is this all in my head?" or "Am I just being a wuss or hypochondriac?" So a lot of times, I will dismiss something that would ordinarily be seen as a red flag to someone else. And that's because, either the pain or feeling goes away, or I convince myself that it's nothing. Since I know my weight causes all of my aches and pains and issues, I just deal with it. It's my fault that I did this to myself, so I will grin and bear it.
When I'm feeling crappy or feeling the "weight related" issues, I really don't like to bring them up. I try not to for two reasons: 1. It's embarrassing and I assume everyone is thinking, "Well duh. I wonder why." 2. I don't want to hear "I told you so". To be honest, I don't feel like I deserve the compassion anyway because I am the one responsible for my choices. Plus, those that don't have weight problems, don't understand what's going on mentally and how the inner voice in my head can overpower all rational thinking...quite often. One can't truly understand another until they've been in their shoes.
So, it takes a lot to convince myself that, "Yes, something is wrong and I need to address it."
Going back to my eye opening experience. Over the past year and then some, I have been consistently gaining weight. The number on the scale has reached an alarming all-time high. I have noticed a lot of changes physically...becoming weaker and more run down being the top runners. I have experienced flutters in my chest and sometimes blurred vision, which...I dismiss to the reason of my blood sugar being high because of something I just ate. Over the past month or so, a couple of other weird feelings have come forward. Every so often, I get lightheaded or dizzy, and I'll dismiss that to the reasons of getting older or moving my head too fast. Those things definitely got my attention but not enough to put me on high alert. The past couple of weeks I have experienced something different that really started to get me to pay closer attention. The kicker, the one thing that really got me to speak up, was the fact that I was getting extremely winded with little effort. Now, I know, I am a very large woman and it takes a lot of work to move my body around. But this was different, this was me getting unusually exhausted. I would be huffing and puffing walking from one room to another or even just going to the bathroom. This was much more extreme than usual and had me wondering if there was something more going on with my body on the inside that I couldn't see.
I told Mike about my concerns and he said to call my doctor. So, I did. After several people hearing about what my symptoms are, it was my doctor that eventually entered the loop of the 'is this serious or not' discussion and directed me to the ER. Only because she knew I would have to take a lot of tests to determine what was wrong and their office didn't have the right equipment. So, off to the ER we went. I had a wide range of tests done...lots of blood work, 2 EKG's, a chest x-ray and a CT scan. I was hooked to a heart monitor most of the time also. It was the CT scan that gave the most clear result. It was found out that I have small blood clots in my lower left lung...which are not obstructing blood flow thankfully, but still needs to be resolved. As far as my heart is concerned, it's doing fine. Although the flutters are being looked into because my heart rate elevated whenever I felt them. So, I will be wearing a heart monitor for a 24 hour period to get a better view of how my heart functions during a normal day. As far as the clots are concerned, there will be more testing to determine the source and what kind of treatment is necessary to avoid future clots. I have slipped and fell to the ground a few times which resulted in large contusions to my lower legs each time...really nasty looking bruises that cover a huge area. So, that could be a source. I also retain water something awful in my legs, so my circulation may not be so good. Ultrasounds are being done there to see what's going on in my legs.
SO...this shit just got real. I have officially seen what's going on beneath the surface. And, it has brought a whole new light to the situation. Which has me thinking about the future...obviously. Not that I didn't before, but it feels more urgent now.
Now I am posed with a dilemma and a tough choice. Which is one that I have addressed before and contemplated many times. Weight Loss Surgery. Is this something that I should seriously consider now? I hate the thought of it for a multitude of reasons. Let me give you a glimpse into my negative thought process about weight loss surgery...
1. What will the surgery do to me emotionally? To be cut off so abruptly from a lifetime of overindulging...how will I cope, behave, react? Will it make matters worse by screwing up my mind? Will I turn into someone a lot less happy and fun to be around? Yes, I'll be getting thinner and physically healthier, but will it damage my emotional health in the process?
2. Will it bring on other complications that I wouldn't normally suffer from? Nausea, acid reflux, cramps...things like that, that make you feel crappy all the time.
3. Surgery scares me. All kinds of fears come with this. Will the anesthesia last and be strong enough? Will the doctor have an "oops" and cut something wrong? Will the staples fall out inside my body and my insides get all messed up?
4. How will I be in 5 years, 10 years? Will I adjust and be ok with the new lifestyle? It's not reversible. So, I have to live the rest of my life with whatever happens.
Here are my positive thoughts...
1. Getting my life back sooner than later with a little assistance.
2. Putting attention on food control with physical repercussions and it helping me to make food less of a desire.
3. How exciting it will be to see the weight coming off quickly.
4. Not having to count points or calories...it may be extreme but it just feels like it would make things simpler.
Oh...how I yearn to have a normal sized body and to not have to deal with all my health issues anymore.
So...here is the mind battle that I'm having. I have made it NO secret that I don't like weight loss helpers...surgeries, drugs, drinks, special foods, etc...same goes for fad diets. Those are tools. The real work is mental and learning and following a healthier lifestyle.
HOWEVER...I understand that I am on a dangerously slippery slope and if I don't get the pressure that this weight is putting on my whole body off quickly, things will get a lot worse, and I sure as hell don't want to leave my kids without a mom or put Mike through that or my parents either. Plus I want to live a long life...in a body that works and isn't such a burden.
I am also not naïve to the fact that my track record isn't so good and I really don't think I have time to yo-yo anymore.
If I do the surgery, it will give me the kick start I need to get my health back. I will work on the mental part of it somehow. Who knows, maybe seeing results quickly is what I need to help with the mental...I do love instant gratification.
I don't normally ask this, but...if you have any input, I would love to hear it. Whether it's through the Facebook post or private message, a comment on the blog post, an email or phone call, it doesn't matter to me. Anything that you feel I should or need to hear...even tough love is ok. However...I may delete those. ;) LOL. Just kidding.
I am not taking this decision or position I'm in lightly. And, I won't do anything impulsive...I am notorious for that. I want to fix this for good and not drag it on anymore.
I love you all and am so grateful for all the support and unconditional love. It means more to me than words can express.
