I am 40 years old now. It's not old, but it's not young either. I enjoy getting older because it means I'm still here. I'm still living...I'm learning...I'm spending more time with the ones I love.
I catch myself on a daily basis wondering why I can't do the things I did when I was 20 or 30 or even 35. It's because I'm not 20 or 30 or 35. I'm 40. My body feels every single one of those years and then some, but my mind still thinks I'm 20.
Each decade seems to add another volume to a series called 'Life'. In my story, I started with finding the love of my life and starting a family. This is the volume called 'My Twenties'. This decade was very fun and new and overwhelming. It was exciting to begin my life on my own being newly married. We had our first apartment, a one bedroom that was just perfect. We learned how to live together and respect each other and be understanding of our differences. We supported each other financially and emotionally. We created a lot of great memories of being poor and the mistakes we made. We took our time starting a family. I wanted to enjoy our time with each other before adding the stress of kids.
The last half of my twenties is when we started our family. Twins! The shock of that took awhile to get over. I couldn't have asked for more perfect babies to begin this stage of my life. I grew up as an only child, being raised around adults with no cousins near by. I had NO experience with babies, so having twins was scary to say the least. But...I managed. We both did the best we could. This stage of my life was my favorite by far for a lot of reasons. It's not because of the kids or Mike, it's because I feel that I was at my best back then. Sure I had the normal stresses of being a new mom and occasional bouts of depression, but looking back now, I was much healthier physically and emotionally then. I was having fun with my new little family, just living and enjoying myself.
Now onto Volume 2 of 'Life'. My thirties...the decline. I had Sydney when I was 29, so I consider her a part of this volume. My pregnancy with her is what began this decline. No fault of hers. I was over 300 lbs when I got pregnant so it brought on and escalated a lot of new or underlying medical problems. Some I didn't know I had until recently.When she was born, she was a very needy and inconsolable baby. The baby stage has never been my favorite, so having a difficult baby made it hard for me to bond. After we fixed a formula problem, she calmed down. This helped me grow closer to our new little girl. I loved being a mom. I loved that I had the the luxury of staying at home and watching them grow, teaching them how to do things and watching them discover and explore.
This is also the decade where I added the church to my life. In many ways it brought on some great things, but in others ways it added on a great deal of stress. I love the social part of church, but everything else...not so much. It added on an uncomfortable feeling that never went away. I have never been one who likes being confined by rules or expectations. I am a free spirit, one who speaks her mind and is very skeptical about things that seem far fetched. To be honest, I still wonder why I converted. The main thing that drew me into the church was the love of family atmosphere and the good standards they teach the kids. The gospel part never really took hold of me. At times it peaked my interest and I paid attention, but my skepticism always won over.
The decline wasn't fully felt until the later part of my thirties. There are many factors that created a lot of self doubt, overwhelmed periods, feelings of inadequacy, moments of frustration. As a mom, we are judged by everyone we encounter. We are being judged by how well we treat our kids, how well they behave, what their abilities are. Are they smart? Are they kind? We are judged ourselves. How well do we function? How much can we take on our plate and not fail? Do we look like a deadbeat mommy or is our makeup on and hair brushed? It's a lot of pressure and exhausting feeling like you live under a microscope.
It doesn't help that I am a SUPER sensitive person. So this judgement that I speak of, whether it's in my head or not, affects me a great deal.
Being a member of the LDS faith, made my feelings of inadequacy feel even greater. Not by anyone within. This group of individuals couldn't be any kinder or loving to everyone they encounter. It's my own desire to be like them that made me doubt myself and my own abilities as a mom, a wife, a woman. So, here I am, a new mom, a somewhat new wife, a woman with no experience raising kids or even watching kids grow up and NOW a member of this church surrounded by these fabulous moms and dads that have it all together. Talk about feeling inadequate. Yes, I know it's ALL in my head. But, it was a real issue for me regardless. What's funny is, I have become very close with a lot of these moms and dads and in many cases they have the same out of control experiences, unruly kids, bouts of self doubt, struggles with their own bad habits as I do. They are just as real as I am.
Because of this, deciding to leave the church has created a lot of back and forth debates in my head in order to be comfortable with my decision even though I have wanted to for a long time. I can no longer rely on the love of it in a social aspect to justify me going. I have tried to believe in the teachings and history of it, but I just don't. I wish I did. The mind wars I have been through over this has caused me a great deal of stress, feelings of guilt and letting those I love down. But, the feeling of getting the old Jill back I have felt since making this decision has turned back on a light that has been fading over the years. I don't feel like I have to exist in this pretty package of having my life together.
My thirties...a decade of learning. A decade of stress. A decade of one health problem after another. A decade of being a mom in constant fear of screwing these kids up. A fantastic decade of raising great kids, watching them grow. A fantastic decade of making great lifelong friendships. Also a decade I am happy to be done with.
Now onto Volume 3...my forties. Oh crap! Now what??
The feeling of being lost. What is my purpose? My kids are growing up and their needs are different. How do I Mother now? I am a woman in a forty year old body with a 24 year old mother of newborn's mind. Is there an upgrade button on my head somewhere that I can push to accelerate my brain to function in this older body??
One thing nice about getting older is the 'give a damn' emotion is fading. That is why I can finally be okay with making decisions that could put me in a bad light. I don't like being seen in a negative way, so I run from decisions that put me there. The fading 'give a damn' is also helpful in being comfortable in my own skin. I have removed myself from one area where I feel constantly judged and that has been very freeing. Now the next step is freeing myself from my own judgement. I frequently want to be like I was in my twenties. Why?? Because...that's when I felt my best. Problem is...my body has different plans. I'm struggling to accept that. I am still searching for that magic pill to fix all my health problems. It's much more comfortable to live in a fantasy world than to face the reality that I have a lot of hard work ahead of me to feel normal again.
I guess the point of this post is basically to purge my thoughts. I have been unhappy with a lot of things for awhile. I've known the source of many of these problems but have been afraid to admit them and take action. Fear of reaction. Curse of being a people pleaser. I am frustrated with how much my body has deteriorated of the past few years and has limited me tremendously with how much and what I can do. It takes me a lot longer to do simple tasks and I have to rest a lot. I am just trying to find comfort in this aging skin. I am recognizing that stress plays a great deal in how well the body performs. I am being patient with this stage and taking measures to eliminate stressors. This will help the healing and rebuilding of my body and mind. I will get back to the Jill I know is in there. It won't be with a 20 year old body. But, it will be in a better body, one made with hard work. Along with a mind that has grown to work well with it.
I'm looking forward to writing this current volume of 'Life'. I'm looking forward to watching my kids enter adulthood and feel my relationship with each of them change and grow stronger. I am looking forward to being sought out for love and help as they find their paths in life. I'm looking forward to another decade with my soulmate and love of my life. And, finally I am looking forward to creating a better me.
Thursday, November 9, 2017
Monday, August 28, 2017
No surgery for now.
Just when I thought I had things figured out and a plan in action...I get hit with a curve ball. Lovely.
Time to readjust. Time to rethink. Time to figure out a different plan.
Back in the beginning of 2016, I went to the ER because I was unusually short of breath. After multiple tests, it was discovered that I had 2 blood clots in my lungs. They weren't in areas that were too obstructive, but still dangerous. I was put on blood thinners and within 6 months they had dissolved.
Since then I have been to a variety of different doctors for some reason or another. I've seen a Cardiologist to make sure my heart is ok. Thankfully it is. I've seen an Endocrinologist because of the Adenoma (benign tumor) that was discovered on my Adrenal Gland. So far the tumor has not changed and doesn't seem to be causing any problems, all the blood work done to check my hormone levels came back normal. I've had multiple ultrasounds done on my legs due to circulation concerns and the blood clot worry whenever I fall and get gnarly bruises from it. This was all in 2016. By the end of 2016, things started to calm down.
2017 comes along. My whole family got hit hard with one thing or another. Sydney got pneumonia, Colby got strep and the flu, Mike got bronchitis and sinusitis and the flu, I got a bad cold, Brett somehow managed to get missed this go around. This was all in January and February. One thing good that came of this was Mike was finally given the green light to get surgery on his nose to fix a lifelong battle with sinus infections. So far, so good.
After dealing with all that, it was my turn to get all the medical attention again. 😒 I threw out my back, was referred to a Physical Therapist who then referred me to a Lymphedema Specialist and was then diagnosed with Lipolymphedma. Since that diagnosis, I have been dealing with different methods to control it, without much success. I had finally made the hard decision to get surgery done to get rid of the stubborn, diseased fat that is preventing me from losing weight and getting back to a more functioning body. My path seemed clear and my future looked bright. I was terrified for sure, but also excited to see what could become of my body once these surgeries were done. Things were looking good and I was happy with my decision.
Well...
So much for that plan. 😞My body had another wrench to throw in.
On Saturday morning, I woke up, went to the bathroom, walked to the living room and I felt like I had just climbed a mountain or ran a marathon. I thought to myself 'this isn't normal'. I waited it out a bit, due to my size and problems with my legs I expect to get winded, so I don't like to make a big deal over nothing. I told Mike how I was feeling and after that we both were paying close attention to how I was acting all morning and afternoon. Is it nothing? Is it blood clots again? I knew that how I was feeling was very familiar to what I felt last time I had clots, but still I didn't want to jump to conclusions. We finally decided to go to the ER just to be safe. And, of course, when I get there, I feel completely normal. I almost told Mike to just take us back home...I even started walking back to the van. But...I didn't want to explain to my mom that I decided it was nothing and then went home. Knowing that look of worry that she would have had on her face was enough to keep me there. So...I stayed.
Several hours pass by, several pokes in my arms, a chest x-ray, a chest CT scan and an ultrasound on my legs were all done. Lo and behold...Blood Clots! I was right. This time it is 3 clots. They admit me into the hospital because it is my second occurrence with clots and they want me on a blood thinner active immediately. I spend 2 days in the hospital getting blood drawn every few hours to gauge the dose of medicine I need to keep my blood at the right consistency to prevent further clotting. They don't know where the clots are coming from. The ultrasound on my legs was inconclusive due to my body mass and not being able to get a good enough picture. I saw a Hematologist to find out if I had a blood disorder. All of my blood work from him came back normal, so no blood disorders. Which is good news. But...we still have that question of why am I getting these blood clots?? The Hematologist has put me on blood thinners indefinitely because of my history, so no matter what the cause, the treatment will be the same. Blood thinners. I really have no need to see that doctor again.
So...that leaves us with the question of "What about the Lipedema Liposuction? Can I still get it?"
I called the doctor in California and explained everything that is going on and he was still fine with doing the surgeries. He explained that there is a "bridge" method that he'll use to control the blood thinner before, during and after the surgery until I'm good enough to continue with my normal medication. This is good news because I still have that option available to fix that problem after I fix my current problem.
So now, my mind is all over the place...again. The risks. Are the risks worth the surgery? Blood clots are NO joke. I have been lucky twice and have not had severe problems or worse due to this. Even before finding out I have clots again, I questioned the surgery. Will it be successful? Will it cause more problems or new problems? Is it really necessary or is it a "plastic surgeon" wanting more money in his pocket? I've lost weight in the past, can I do it again? The anxiety I get just from thinking about it is driving me nuts. I worry about the plane rides back and forth...I'll need 2 seats to fit comfortably. How embarrassing is that. I worry about the actual surgery because I'll be awake during it and I know I'll be in panic mode the whole time. Especially because of my sleep apnea and how hard it is to breathe in certain positions. They said that I'll be in a heavier sedation because of that, but it still terrifies me. I'm just tired of thinking about it.
Today, I was given a blow that made my decision much easier to make. When I first began planning the surgery I was under the impression that it was a certain dollar amount for ALL the surgeries (I need 3 total). It was a steep number but still doable. Insurance does not cover it. Well, I misunderstood what they quoted and found out today that the 'steep' number is for EACH surgery. I know that Mike would do anything he could to make this happen. But, I don't want him to. Not right now. The amount I originally thought was hard enough to accept, but now that it's 3 times that amount, I can't in good conscious, spend that much money until I can get my act together. What I mean by that is...I am not blind to the fact that if I don't change my lifestyle, the surgeries will be a waste. If I don't eat healthy after the surgeries, all that fat will accumulate all over again. And, maybe worse because of how my body might react after having surgery. Bottom line...I have to grow up and follow through with changing my eating habits for good. I have been whining and complaining about the same thing for a lot of years. "I hate being fat." It's the same sob story. I know this. As an outsider looking into my life it must be very frustrating listening to the same thing over and over. Watching me attempt and fail over and over again. Trust me...I'm frustrated with this process too. But...food has that much pull over me. And, I have to figure out how to break the cycle before I allow Mike to spend that much money on what would be a temporary fix if I don't change.
I wish I understood why. I am just hoping that I can figure this out and learn to push myself and follow through with this once and for all. Less talk and more action. I can preach and go on and on about what I should do...now I just need to practice what I preach. It's time to see what I'm really capable of. 💪
Time to readjust. Time to rethink. Time to figure out a different plan.
Back in the beginning of 2016, I went to the ER because I was unusually short of breath. After multiple tests, it was discovered that I had 2 blood clots in my lungs. They weren't in areas that were too obstructive, but still dangerous. I was put on blood thinners and within 6 months they had dissolved.
Since then I have been to a variety of different doctors for some reason or another. I've seen a Cardiologist to make sure my heart is ok. Thankfully it is. I've seen an Endocrinologist because of the Adenoma (benign tumor) that was discovered on my Adrenal Gland. So far the tumor has not changed and doesn't seem to be causing any problems, all the blood work done to check my hormone levels came back normal. I've had multiple ultrasounds done on my legs due to circulation concerns and the blood clot worry whenever I fall and get gnarly bruises from it. This was all in 2016. By the end of 2016, things started to calm down.
2017 comes along. My whole family got hit hard with one thing or another. Sydney got pneumonia, Colby got strep and the flu, Mike got bronchitis and sinusitis and the flu, I got a bad cold, Brett somehow managed to get missed this go around. This was all in January and February. One thing good that came of this was Mike was finally given the green light to get surgery on his nose to fix a lifelong battle with sinus infections. So far, so good.
After dealing with all that, it was my turn to get all the medical attention again. 😒 I threw out my back, was referred to a Physical Therapist who then referred me to a Lymphedema Specialist and was then diagnosed with Lipolymphedma. Since that diagnosis, I have been dealing with different methods to control it, without much success. I had finally made the hard decision to get surgery done to get rid of the stubborn, diseased fat that is preventing me from losing weight and getting back to a more functioning body. My path seemed clear and my future looked bright. I was terrified for sure, but also excited to see what could become of my body once these surgeries were done. Things were looking good and I was happy with my decision.
Well...
So much for that plan. 😞My body had another wrench to throw in.
On Saturday morning, I woke up, went to the bathroom, walked to the living room and I felt like I had just climbed a mountain or ran a marathon. I thought to myself 'this isn't normal'. I waited it out a bit, due to my size and problems with my legs I expect to get winded, so I don't like to make a big deal over nothing. I told Mike how I was feeling and after that we both were paying close attention to how I was acting all morning and afternoon. Is it nothing? Is it blood clots again? I knew that how I was feeling was very familiar to what I felt last time I had clots, but still I didn't want to jump to conclusions. We finally decided to go to the ER just to be safe. And, of course, when I get there, I feel completely normal. I almost told Mike to just take us back home...I even started walking back to the van. But...I didn't want to explain to my mom that I decided it was nothing and then went home. Knowing that look of worry that she would have had on her face was enough to keep me there. So...I stayed.
Several hours pass by, several pokes in my arms, a chest x-ray, a chest CT scan and an ultrasound on my legs were all done. Lo and behold...Blood Clots! I was right. This time it is 3 clots. They admit me into the hospital because it is my second occurrence with clots and they want me on a blood thinner active immediately. I spend 2 days in the hospital getting blood drawn every few hours to gauge the dose of medicine I need to keep my blood at the right consistency to prevent further clotting. They don't know where the clots are coming from. The ultrasound on my legs was inconclusive due to my body mass and not being able to get a good enough picture. I saw a Hematologist to find out if I had a blood disorder. All of my blood work from him came back normal, so no blood disorders. Which is good news. But...we still have that question of why am I getting these blood clots?? The Hematologist has put me on blood thinners indefinitely because of my history, so no matter what the cause, the treatment will be the same. Blood thinners. I really have no need to see that doctor again.
So...that leaves us with the question of "What about the Lipedema Liposuction? Can I still get it?"
I called the doctor in California and explained everything that is going on and he was still fine with doing the surgeries. He explained that there is a "bridge" method that he'll use to control the blood thinner before, during and after the surgery until I'm good enough to continue with my normal medication. This is good news because I still have that option available to fix that problem after I fix my current problem.
So now, my mind is all over the place...again. The risks. Are the risks worth the surgery? Blood clots are NO joke. I have been lucky twice and have not had severe problems or worse due to this. Even before finding out I have clots again, I questioned the surgery. Will it be successful? Will it cause more problems or new problems? Is it really necessary or is it a "plastic surgeon" wanting more money in his pocket? I've lost weight in the past, can I do it again? The anxiety I get just from thinking about it is driving me nuts. I worry about the plane rides back and forth...I'll need 2 seats to fit comfortably. How embarrassing is that. I worry about the actual surgery because I'll be awake during it and I know I'll be in panic mode the whole time. Especially because of my sleep apnea and how hard it is to breathe in certain positions. They said that I'll be in a heavier sedation because of that, but it still terrifies me. I'm just tired of thinking about it.
Today, I was given a blow that made my decision much easier to make. When I first began planning the surgery I was under the impression that it was a certain dollar amount for ALL the surgeries (I need 3 total). It was a steep number but still doable. Insurance does not cover it. Well, I misunderstood what they quoted and found out today that the 'steep' number is for EACH surgery. I know that Mike would do anything he could to make this happen. But, I don't want him to. Not right now. The amount I originally thought was hard enough to accept, but now that it's 3 times that amount, I can't in good conscious, spend that much money until I can get my act together. What I mean by that is...I am not blind to the fact that if I don't change my lifestyle, the surgeries will be a waste. If I don't eat healthy after the surgeries, all that fat will accumulate all over again. And, maybe worse because of how my body might react after having surgery. Bottom line...I have to grow up and follow through with changing my eating habits for good. I have been whining and complaining about the same thing for a lot of years. "I hate being fat." It's the same sob story. I know this. As an outsider looking into my life it must be very frustrating listening to the same thing over and over. Watching me attempt and fail over and over again. Trust me...I'm frustrated with this process too. But...food has that much pull over me. And, I have to figure out how to break the cycle before I allow Mike to spend that much money on what would be a temporary fix if I don't change.
I wish I understood why. I am just hoping that I can figure this out and learn to push myself and follow through with this once and for all. Less talk and more action. I can preach and go on and on about what I should do...now I just need to practice what I preach. It's time to see what I'm really capable of. 💪
Thursday, July 27, 2017
Lipedema Liposuction...my next step.
Emotional roller coaster is an understatement.
Feeling sorry for myself and crying uncontrollably. Feeling angry and frustrated at my situation. Feeling empowered and ready to tackle this head on. All these emotions continuously flood through me. Sometimes all of them in one day.
I couldn't be more relieved that I found a diagnosis to my water retention nightmare. But, let me just tell you, this diagnosis has uncovered a whole new overwhelming feeling of helplessness. At first, things were great, I was seeing results and things were looking good. But now, I'm at a stand still and I am worried about the future.
In March, when the treatment started it was so exciting! I would go to the therapist and she'd do the MLD massage (Manual Lymph Drainage) and then wrap my leg(s). Since, I was so filled up with fluid, we saw results right away. And I felt the difference from the release of pressure right away. I thought I was on top of the world and found the answer to my problems. In some sense I did, but little did I know, it was way more complex than that.
After working with me for awhile, my diagnosis went from Lymphedema, which is water retention to Lipedema, which is a fat storing disease also known as "Painful Fat Disease". Sounds great, right? Well...that title is spot on. "Painful" in all definitions of the word...emotionally and physically. But...it doesn't stop there. I, not only have Lipedema, I have Lymphedema too. Double whammy! What I have is called Lipolymphedema.
Lipedema is a disease that processes fat abnormally and stores it primarily in the legs, hips and butt close to the surface. It creates scar tissue and causes inflammation and could turn into fibrosis. This is how I understand it. It causes what the doctor explains as congestion within the body affecting different functions, and that is how my Lymphedema set in. I have water retention on top of the stored diseased fat. My skin is super sensitive to pressure, I feel arthritic a lot and I bruise extremely easily. And, to top it all off, diet and exercise are not effective in getting rid of it. It is a chronic and progressive disease, so I will continue to build up more diseased fat. If I eat like crap, that will escalate the progression. From what I have read about this disease, it started when I hit puberty, so my poor diet on top of this has lead me to where I am today. IF I would've had a healthy diet, it probably wouldn't be so bad, but it would still be a problem.
All of the methods of treatment that I've done are used as a preventatives to help keep new development of fat and fluid from forming. It doesn't address what's already there.
When I think about that, it depresses me, it infuriates me and it scares me. I am 450 lbs! I know that not all of it is the fault of this disease, but I have gained the weight regardless and to think that it is there to stay, is terrifying. I am getting more and more immobile and weak. Doing basic chores and activities is such a challenge. I have had to resort to riding a scooter to be able to tolerate amusement parks and even grocery shopping. I SWORE I would never be one of those people that rides one of those things because they are too fat to walk. Sorry to be so blunt, but that's how I feel.
Here's what I have gone through so far...
MLD massage and wrapping. This SUCKED! The massage was nice, but the wrapping was uncomfortable, hot and would not stay put. It started to fall down the minute I took the first step. I had to get huge velcro shoes just to be able to walk outside and drive. We would switch off how much we wrapped, sometimes it was to the knee on both legs, sometimes to the thigh on one leg, sometimes a mixture of both. Mike learned how to do all of this and was my in home nurse massaging and rewrapping almost daily. The end result was that it helped my lower legs and slightly above my knees. It did not address my upper thighs, hips or butt. And, to add insult to injury, the wrapping introduced two new problems because of the fact that I walked funny when I had them on. There was a spot in my upper left thigh that would twinge and feel like a pinch nerve that became a constant nuisance. It hurt when I walked, stood a certain way or lifted anything. And , I pulled my right achilles tendon. Which made it even harder to move around.
After getting discharged from the therapist, we started using the massaging machine. This is just another form of massage to stimulate the lymphatic system. This process was much more involved and time consuming. Mike didn't have to massage me anymore, but he had to hook me up to this machine twice a day and rewrap me twice a day. Needless to say our lives and plans revolved around this new routine. The guilt I felt and feel because of this problem I have is unbearable at times. I've tried to stay positive, but the results I've seen and felt are very disappointing to say the least even after doing everything we're supposed to. In fact, the machine has caused more discomfort than relief. Because the wraps can only go up so far, my hips and butt get NO compression. And, those are my worst areas of congestion. So, it feels as though the machine and wraps just push up the fluid to that area making it feel even more full of pressure, heavy and hard to move.
One thing that I was hoping would be my saving grace to really get control of the constant fluctuation of fluid was the custom compression garment we had made for me to wear everyday. It was $1100 for one pair (two pair were ordered by mistake making us think it was $2200 for one pair). My therapist misunderstood my direction to call me with a price before ordering, so we had to suck it up and pay. I was dreading and excited for this garment to arrive. When they arrived, I pulled them out of the bag and opened them up and about fell over in shock by how small and short they looked. I thought for sure they were made wrong. But...I knew they were designed to be tight in order to have the compression, so we attempted to put them on. The first attempt was hilarious. Mike was using all his strength and I was bending and squatting any way I could to try to get this sucker up. We finally gave up and put them aside. Mike YouTube'd different videos with tutorials on how to put them on and what kinds of tools are out there to help. We drove an hour away to a store that carried the specific tools recommended to help him help me put these support hose on. The next day we tried again with not much progress from the day before. The crotch part only got up as high as mid-thigh and the material around my ankle was very painful. Remember I have the "Painful Fat Disease" as well as water retention, so the pressure of these hose is sometimes too painful to tolerate. I wore them for awhile just to get some compression, but once I had to go to the bathroom, we had to do the whole process again. I couldn't just pull them up and down because the garment turned into a tourniquet around my leg when I pulled them down. It became more work and headache than helpful. But we still tried several more times in hopes of stretching it enough to make it easier. No such luck. I called the lady that I got them from and she contacted the rep for the manufacturer. We set up a meeting to remeasure me and see if there was a mistake. Sure enough, there were several measurements off, most noticeable being the length of my legs. Which would explain the crotch area only reaching my mid-thigh. The other measurements change throughout the day on a normal basis due to weather and activity, so those weren't a big deal, but still adjusted. The hose were then reordered and I have received them. My legs got very full and tender from our trip in June, so I've had to give them time to slim down by doing the wraps a little. But, that has shown little improvement. In fact, it flared up my aggravated thigh muscle and ankle pain again, so I had to pick the lesser of two evils. Right now, I am doing none of the therapies to help with the retention. Some days are fine and some days are miserable. It is what it is.
There is one method that has always been a possibility, but not one that I wanted to jump on board with immediately. I wanted to try all these other methods first. And that method is... Lipedema Liposuction. This is surgery that will address the diseased fat and suck it out in order to bring my body back to a stage that isn't so advanced and will help me regain mobility, help me lose weight and then be in a better place to maintain and slow down progression. It will never be cured and I will have to really be mindful of how I take care of myself from now on. But, it will help me get a better handle on the disease.
Since this disease isn't diagnosed often because it is seen as obesity only, there are only a few doctors that are specialized in this unique type of liposuction. One is in California and 2 are in St. Louis. Mike, my mom and I have already had a phone consult with the one in California. He has 20 years experience and I have read a lot great reviews about him and watched several videos. I have a good feeling about this doctor. I've tried to reach out to the St. Louis doctor with very little success (not impressed with the run around I've been given with their office). The third doctor didn't impress me at all in any way.
During the consult with the California doctor, he addressed the treatment plan he has for me, in addition to further explanation about the disease and some details about himself. It was a very informative consult and he was very personable. Before our consult, I had to send him pictures and fill out a questionnaire so he could see what he'd be dealing with. He said I was Stage 4 in my hips and butt, an advanced Stage 3 in my thighs and knees and a normal Stage 3 in my lower legs and upper arms. His treatments plan would be to do 3 surgeries a month apart from each other. The first would be my hips/butt, the second would be my calves/ankles/upper arms and the third would be my knees/thighs. He uses three/four types of tools, one specifically designed to address the diseased fat. It shoots water into the problemed areas to break it up then it's sucked out. The other tools are to help with the "blending". I will not be under general anesthesia, it will be local anesthesia. And because of my other medical problems, an anesthesiologist will be monitoring me very closely and I'll be under greater sedation. The doctor wants his patients alert so he can position them better for better results. I will also be monitored overnight after each surgery and have follow up visits for 5 days after.
We will be traveling back and forth each time and staying in California a week at a time. It's a scary decision to do this, but I am so tired of dealing with this and feeling more and more dependent on everyone. I want my mobility back! I know this isn't the fix all solution and I have a lot of work to do to not let it get so out of control again. But, that's ok, I can handle that.
We will be scheduling my first surgery soon. We're looking at October to get the process started. I am extremely nervous to do this, but I feel it's the best method to get control of my body again.
Feeling sorry for myself and crying uncontrollably. Feeling angry and frustrated at my situation. Feeling empowered and ready to tackle this head on. All these emotions continuously flood through me. Sometimes all of them in one day.
I couldn't be more relieved that I found a diagnosis to my water retention nightmare. But, let me just tell you, this diagnosis has uncovered a whole new overwhelming feeling of helplessness. At first, things were great, I was seeing results and things were looking good. But now, I'm at a stand still and I am worried about the future.
In March, when the treatment started it was so exciting! I would go to the therapist and she'd do the MLD massage (Manual Lymph Drainage) and then wrap my leg(s). Since, I was so filled up with fluid, we saw results right away. And I felt the difference from the release of pressure right away. I thought I was on top of the world and found the answer to my problems. In some sense I did, but little did I know, it was way more complex than that.
After working with me for awhile, my diagnosis went from Lymphedema, which is water retention to Lipedema, which is a fat storing disease also known as "Painful Fat Disease". Sounds great, right? Well...that title is spot on. "Painful" in all definitions of the word...emotionally and physically. But...it doesn't stop there. I, not only have Lipedema, I have Lymphedema too. Double whammy! What I have is called Lipolymphedema.
Lipedema is a disease that processes fat abnormally and stores it primarily in the legs, hips and butt close to the surface. It creates scar tissue and causes inflammation and could turn into fibrosis. This is how I understand it. It causes what the doctor explains as congestion within the body affecting different functions, and that is how my Lymphedema set in. I have water retention on top of the stored diseased fat. My skin is super sensitive to pressure, I feel arthritic a lot and I bruise extremely easily. And, to top it all off, diet and exercise are not effective in getting rid of it. It is a chronic and progressive disease, so I will continue to build up more diseased fat. If I eat like crap, that will escalate the progression. From what I have read about this disease, it started when I hit puberty, so my poor diet on top of this has lead me to where I am today. IF I would've had a healthy diet, it probably wouldn't be so bad, but it would still be a problem.
All of the methods of treatment that I've done are used as a preventatives to help keep new development of fat and fluid from forming. It doesn't address what's already there.
When I think about that, it depresses me, it infuriates me and it scares me. I am 450 lbs! I know that not all of it is the fault of this disease, but I have gained the weight regardless and to think that it is there to stay, is terrifying. I am getting more and more immobile and weak. Doing basic chores and activities is such a challenge. I have had to resort to riding a scooter to be able to tolerate amusement parks and even grocery shopping. I SWORE I would never be one of those people that rides one of those things because they are too fat to walk. Sorry to be so blunt, but that's how I feel.
Here's what I have gone through so far...
MLD massage and wrapping. This SUCKED! The massage was nice, but the wrapping was uncomfortable, hot and would not stay put. It started to fall down the minute I took the first step. I had to get huge velcro shoes just to be able to walk outside and drive. We would switch off how much we wrapped, sometimes it was to the knee on both legs, sometimes to the thigh on one leg, sometimes a mixture of both. Mike learned how to do all of this and was my in home nurse massaging and rewrapping almost daily. The end result was that it helped my lower legs and slightly above my knees. It did not address my upper thighs, hips or butt. And, to add insult to injury, the wrapping introduced two new problems because of the fact that I walked funny when I had them on. There was a spot in my upper left thigh that would twinge and feel like a pinch nerve that became a constant nuisance. It hurt when I walked, stood a certain way or lifted anything. And , I pulled my right achilles tendon. Which made it even harder to move around.
After getting discharged from the therapist, we started using the massaging machine. This is just another form of massage to stimulate the lymphatic system. This process was much more involved and time consuming. Mike didn't have to massage me anymore, but he had to hook me up to this machine twice a day and rewrap me twice a day. Needless to say our lives and plans revolved around this new routine. The guilt I felt and feel because of this problem I have is unbearable at times. I've tried to stay positive, but the results I've seen and felt are very disappointing to say the least even after doing everything we're supposed to. In fact, the machine has caused more discomfort than relief. Because the wraps can only go up so far, my hips and butt get NO compression. And, those are my worst areas of congestion. So, it feels as though the machine and wraps just push up the fluid to that area making it feel even more full of pressure, heavy and hard to move.
One thing that I was hoping would be my saving grace to really get control of the constant fluctuation of fluid was the custom compression garment we had made for me to wear everyday. It was $1100 for one pair (two pair were ordered by mistake making us think it was $2200 for one pair). My therapist misunderstood my direction to call me with a price before ordering, so we had to suck it up and pay. I was dreading and excited for this garment to arrive. When they arrived, I pulled them out of the bag and opened them up and about fell over in shock by how small and short they looked. I thought for sure they were made wrong. But...I knew they were designed to be tight in order to have the compression, so we attempted to put them on. The first attempt was hilarious. Mike was using all his strength and I was bending and squatting any way I could to try to get this sucker up. We finally gave up and put them aside. Mike YouTube'd different videos with tutorials on how to put them on and what kinds of tools are out there to help. We drove an hour away to a store that carried the specific tools recommended to help him help me put these support hose on. The next day we tried again with not much progress from the day before. The crotch part only got up as high as mid-thigh and the material around my ankle was very painful. Remember I have the "Painful Fat Disease" as well as water retention, so the pressure of these hose is sometimes too painful to tolerate. I wore them for awhile just to get some compression, but once I had to go to the bathroom, we had to do the whole process again. I couldn't just pull them up and down because the garment turned into a tourniquet around my leg when I pulled them down. It became more work and headache than helpful. But we still tried several more times in hopes of stretching it enough to make it easier. No such luck. I called the lady that I got them from and she contacted the rep for the manufacturer. We set up a meeting to remeasure me and see if there was a mistake. Sure enough, there were several measurements off, most noticeable being the length of my legs. Which would explain the crotch area only reaching my mid-thigh. The other measurements change throughout the day on a normal basis due to weather and activity, so those weren't a big deal, but still adjusted. The hose were then reordered and I have received them. My legs got very full and tender from our trip in June, so I've had to give them time to slim down by doing the wraps a little. But, that has shown little improvement. In fact, it flared up my aggravated thigh muscle and ankle pain again, so I had to pick the lesser of two evils. Right now, I am doing none of the therapies to help with the retention. Some days are fine and some days are miserable. It is what it is.
There is one method that has always been a possibility, but not one that I wanted to jump on board with immediately. I wanted to try all these other methods first. And that method is... Lipedema Liposuction. This is surgery that will address the diseased fat and suck it out in order to bring my body back to a stage that isn't so advanced and will help me regain mobility, help me lose weight and then be in a better place to maintain and slow down progression. It will never be cured and I will have to really be mindful of how I take care of myself from now on. But, it will help me get a better handle on the disease.
Since this disease isn't diagnosed often because it is seen as obesity only, there are only a few doctors that are specialized in this unique type of liposuction. One is in California and 2 are in St. Louis. Mike, my mom and I have already had a phone consult with the one in California. He has 20 years experience and I have read a lot great reviews about him and watched several videos. I have a good feeling about this doctor. I've tried to reach out to the St. Louis doctor with very little success (not impressed with the run around I've been given with their office). The third doctor didn't impress me at all in any way.
During the consult with the California doctor, he addressed the treatment plan he has for me, in addition to further explanation about the disease and some details about himself. It was a very informative consult and he was very personable. Before our consult, I had to send him pictures and fill out a questionnaire so he could see what he'd be dealing with. He said I was Stage 4 in my hips and butt, an advanced Stage 3 in my thighs and knees and a normal Stage 3 in my lower legs and upper arms. His treatments plan would be to do 3 surgeries a month apart from each other. The first would be my hips/butt, the second would be my calves/ankles/upper arms and the third would be my knees/thighs. He uses three/four types of tools, one specifically designed to address the diseased fat. It shoots water into the problemed areas to break it up then it's sucked out. The other tools are to help with the "blending". I will not be under general anesthesia, it will be local anesthesia. And because of my other medical problems, an anesthesiologist will be monitoring me very closely and I'll be under greater sedation. The doctor wants his patients alert so he can position them better for better results. I will also be monitored overnight after each surgery and have follow up visits for 5 days after.
We will be traveling back and forth each time and staying in California a week at a time. It's a scary decision to do this, but I am so tired of dealing with this and feeling more and more dependent on everyone. I want my mobility back! I know this isn't the fix all solution and I have a lot of work to do to not let it get so out of control again. But, that's ok, I can handle that.
We will be scheduling my first surgery soon. We're looking at October to get the process started. I am extremely nervous to do this, but I feel it's the best method to get control of my body again.
Thursday, June 1, 2017
A New Chapter...a long time coming.
In August of 2011, I started this blog with the intention of creating a journal to document my different challenges, emotions, frustrations, accomplishments, etc. during my journey of the dreaded task of losing weight and getting healthy. I have always been a very open and honest person and I write better than I speak...in an articulate sense. At least, articulate to me. 😉 So, it's how I like to express myself and get it all out there. I may inspire people. I may disappoint people. I may make people cry or laugh. I may surprise or relate to people. Whatever it is that I do, this blog is therapeutic for me and part of the process in this journey to good health...in all aspects of life. Hopefully, I never offend or cause anyone to have negative or ill feelings of me.
There is one topic that I have always tried to avoid talking about because it's really not in my nature to be preachy and it's just something that I have always had conflicting feelings about. So, it is hard for me to articulate my thoughts to express my feelings. Plus, I have many, many close friends that it could affect the way they feel about me. Which I am very fearful of. But...again, this blog is about MY journey and I will always keep it real, and this is something that is affecting my progress to good "emotional" health currently. To some it won't be a surprise, but to some it'll shock the heck out of you.
Religion. This has been a major part of my life for the last 10 years. It started about 16 years ago, but didn't pull me in completely until 10 years ago. It has been a whirlwind experience and one that I have struggled with the entire time. I have always been up front with my upbringing and how I got introduced into the church. I have always had certain beliefs of my own, not ones that were forced upon me or part of my childhood.
As I entered into adulthood and began to think about the next chapter of my life, I started to question religion and how it works. Is it something necessary to complete me as a person? Is it something necessary to have in my future child's life? I didn't have it in my childhood and I had a great childhood. And, I think I turned out pretty good, if I do say so myself. 😄 But still, I wondered about it. Mike's family was religious, so here was my opportunity to investigate it. What's so wonderful about being part of a religion, the Bible and everything else that goes along with it?? I was leery and very standoffish for quite awhile, even with having the curiosity about it. It was no walk in the park to teach me or convince me of anything. I started off slow by going to church with Mike's family on occassion...which I hated and thought it was hokey. Too much singing and extremely boring and 3 HOURS, really?! But, all that aside, there was a feeling that I had while I was there that was very comforting. So, I stuck with my desire to learn. Mike was cautious with what he taught and how much he pushed. I don't like pushy people. In fact, that approach will make me less likely to cooperate. Mature, I know. 😛 Anyway, to sum it up I made the leap into the world of organized religion.
Fast forward about 7 years of slightly active participation to 'What the heck. Let's start going every Sunday'. Well. Can we just say, culture shock? This isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Still boring. Still way TOO much singing. Dresses?? Make-up?? Ick. Am I sure I want to do this?? Then I meet some wonderful people and I connected with them and then...I got sucked in. Ok. Fine. Let's play this out for awhile. How bad can it be? I'll learn the preachy part of this religion stuff and see what happens. After being there for a few weeks...I get pulled into a room and asked to accept a calling. 'Wait. Hold on a minute. You serious?? I don't even have a crease in my scriptures yet...I don't even have scriptures yet! A calling?? I guess. Sure, why not.'
Over the next 8 years, I got lost in many callings and made great friendships. I became so close with so many wonderful people that have taught me so much over the years. I have grown and matured as a woman, a mother, a wife and a friend with the influence of these great people. But, what I didn't get, by no fault of theirs, was lost in the preachy part, the scriptures, certain beliefs of this religion. I tried so hard to believe, to have faith. I would watch my friends and see their emotion and love for the gospel but I just didn't feel it. I tried to convince myself otherwise, but it just never felt right. I have been struggling internally over this for a LONG time. I won't go into detail over what I don't believe in or agree with. But, it has come to a point that I just can't pretend anymore. I don't hate the church by any means. There are just some things that I could never grasp or latch onto. I've tried.
So, what has kept me silent and pushing along with the church loving persona for so long? First and foremost, my family. What will Mike think? He already knew of my skepticism towards a lot of things within the church. And whether he agrees or not, has always encouraged me to do what I needed to be happy. He is incredibly supportive. But, it still bothers me to not be on the same page as him with something so big. We're always on the same page. And, how will this affect our kids? Secondly, most of my friends are active, church loving and very dedicated to the church. How will they see me now? I don't think the church was ever something that defined who I am as a person. My crazy personality is ALL my own! In fact, I've had to tone down A LOT of my personality because of the church! LOL. 😜
So, what's next? This is the hard part. I know what I want, but it's not that easy. I have our kids to think about. And they know what's going on, I'm very honest with them too. The boys are at an age that they're questioning things themselves. This is extremely hard on Mike. Which I hate. I have cried and cried about this for a long time. It kills me to see him go to church without me. But...again, I have to be true to myself. And he totally understands that and wouldn't have it any other way. I believe as a parent you have to set an example, and I don't want to set one that teaches the kids not to stand for what they believe in.
I am not in a good mindset with the church right now and I don't want my attitude to influence the boys. We, as a family are trying to figure out what's best. As parents we have the job to raise our kids and teach them what's right and push them to do hard things, to try new things and to be open minded. But, as they get older we must also allow them to express themselves and make hard decisions, stand up for what they believe in. Our boys are doing just that and I am happy to see it. But, it doesn't make our job as parents very easy especially since Mike and I have different views right now. I have tremendous respect for Mike and his beliefs so I will support him as much as he supports me. I just hate that what I am going through has put this added stress on him. But...honestly, the boys are 15 years old, I'm sure most teens go through this. Question is...do we force attendance and risk resentment or do we allow flexibility and have them experience the choice and consequence of their actions. Just don't know yet.
Ok. I got off track a bit. Now going back the my journey part of this post. One thing that I do on a regular basis is take the time to reflect on my choices and ponder about what is making me happy, what is stressing me out, what is working and what is not. I have slowly been pulling away from the church for some time now. Because of this, I have to accept the hard truth and make that difficult choice to do what I feel will benefit me emotionally at this point in my life. Who knows, in time I may have a change in heart, but for right now this is what I feel is right for me.
That hardest part for me having to make a tough choice that not only affects myself but also affects the ones I love...is disappointing those that I love. I'm sorry to anyone that I have let down.
To summarize myself in a spiritual sense...I am more of a free spirit. I have faith in many things and I don't feel I need a structured outline to follow to be spiritual. I am happy with that. It has taken me a long time to admit that and a long time to come to terms with that. But, I already feel a weight lifted by finally taking that step to be true to myself.
This is definitely a journey full of speed bumps, detours, dead ends, big hills and crazy curves, but it's all mine. I have come to my current fork in the road and chosen the path for which I feel is right, I am strapped in tight (with lots of compression I might add 😬) and ready to go.
There is one topic that I have always tried to avoid talking about because it's really not in my nature to be preachy and it's just something that I have always had conflicting feelings about. So, it is hard for me to articulate my thoughts to express my feelings. Plus, I have many, many close friends that it could affect the way they feel about me. Which I am very fearful of. But...again, this blog is about MY journey and I will always keep it real, and this is something that is affecting my progress to good "emotional" health currently. To some it won't be a surprise, but to some it'll shock the heck out of you.
Religion. This has been a major part of my life for the last 10 years. It started about 16 years ago, but didn't pull me in completely until 10 years ago. It has been a whirlwind experience and one that I have struggled with the entire time. I have always been up front with my upbringing and how I got introduced into the church. I have always had certain beliefs of my own, not ones that were forced upon me or part of my childhood.
As I entered into adulthood and began to think about the next chapter of my life, I started to question religion and how it works. Is it something necessary to complete me as a person? Is it something necessary to have in my future child's life? I didn't have it in my childhood and I had a great childhood. And, I think I turned out pretty good, if I do say so myself. 😄 But still, I wondered about it. Mike's family was religious, so here was my opportunity to investigate it. What's so wonderful about being part of a religion, the Bible and everything else that goes along with it?? I was leery and very standoffish for quite awhile, even with having the curiosity about it. It was no walk in the park to teach me or convince me of anything. I started off slow by going to church with Mike's family on occassion...which I hated and thought it was hokey. Too much singing and extremely boring and 3 HOURS, really?! But, all that aside, there was a feeling that I had while I was there that was very comforting. So, I stuck with my desire to learn. Mike was cautious with what he taught and how much he pushed. I don't like pushy people. In fact, that approach will make me less likely to cooperate. Mature, I know. 😛 Anyway, to sum it up I made the leap into the world of organized religion.
Fast forward about 7 years of slightly active participation to 'What the heck. Let's start going every Sunday'. Well. Can we just say, culture shock? This isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Still boring. Still way TOO much singing. Dresses?? Make-up?? Ick. Am I sure I want to do this?? Then I meet some wonderful people and I connected with them and then...I got sucked in. Ok. Fine. Let's play this out for awhile. How bad can it be? I'll learn the preachy part of this religion stuff and see what happens. After being there for a few weeks...I get pulled into a room and asked to accept a calling. 'Wait. Hold on a minute. You serious?? I don't even have a crease in my scriptures yet...I don't even have scriptures yet! A calling?? I guess. Sure, why not.'
Over the next 8 years, I got lost in many callings and made great friendships. I became so close with so many wonderful people that have taught me so much over the years. I have grown and matured as a woman, a mother, a wife and a friend with the influence of these great people. But, what I didn't get, by no fault of theirs, was lost in the preachy part, the scriptures, certain beliefs of this religion. I tried so hard to believe, to have faith. I would watch my friends and see their emotion and love for the gospel but I just didn't feel it. I tried to convince myself otherwise, but it just never felt right. I have been struggling internally over this for a LONG time. I won't go into detail over what I don't believe in or agree with. But, it has come to a point that I just can't pretend anymore. I don't hate the church by any means. There are just some things that I could never grasp or latch onto. I've tried.
So, what has kept me silent and pushing along with the church loving persona for so long? First and foremost, my family. What will Mike think? He already knew of my skepticism towards a lot of things within the church. And whether he agrees or not, has always encouraged me to do what I needed to be happy. He is incredibly supportive. But, it still bothers me to not be on the same page as him with something so big. We're always on the same page. And, how will this affect our kids? Secondly, most of my friends are active, church loving and very dedicated to the church. How will they see me now? I don't think the church was ever something that defined who I am as a person. My crazy personality is ALL my own! In fact, I've had to tone down A LOT of my personality because of the church! LOL. 😜
So, what's next? This is the hard part. I know what I want, but it's not that easy. I have our kids to think about. And they know what's going on, I'm very honest with them too. The boys are at an age that they're questioning things themselves. This is extremely hard on Mike. Which I hate. I have cried and cried about this for a long time. It kills me to see him go to church without me. But...again, I have to be true to myself. And he totally understands that and wouldn't have it any other way. I believe as a parent you have to set an example, and I don't want to set one that teaches the kids not to stand for what they believe in.
I am not in a good mindset with the church right now and I don't want my attitude to influence the boys. We, as a family are trying to figure out what's best. As parents we have the job to raise our kids and teach them what's right and push them to do hard things, to try new things and to be open minded. But, as they get older we must also allow them to express themselves and make hard decisions, stand up for what they believe in. Our boys are doing just that and I am happy to see it. But, it doesn't make our job as parents very easy especially since Mike and I have different views right now. I have tremendous respect for Mike and his beliefs so I will support him as much as he supports me. I just hate that what I am going through has put this added stress on him. But...honestly, the boys are 15 years old, I'm sure most teens go through this. Question is...do we force attendance and risk resentment or do we allow flexibility and have them experience the choice and consequence of their actions. Just don't know yet.
Ok. I got off track a bit. Now going back the my journey part of this post. One thing that I do on a regular basis is take the time to reflect on my choices and ponder about what is making me happy, what is stressing me out, what is working and what is not. I have slowly been pulling away from the church for some time now. Because of this, I have to accept the hard truth and make that difficult choice to do what I feel will benefit me emotionally at this point in my life. Who knows, in time I may have a change in heart, but for right now this is what I feel is right for me.
That hardest part for me having to make a tough choice that not only affects myself but also affects the ones I love...is disappointing those that I love. I'm sorry to anyone that I have let down.
To summarize myself in a spiritual sense...I am more of a free spirit. I have faith in many things and I don't feel I need a structured outline to follow to be spiritual. I am happy with that. It has taken me a long time to admit that and a long time to come to terms with that. But, I already feel a weight lifted by finally taking that step to be true to myself.
This is definitely a journey full of speed bumps, detours, dead ends, big hills and crazy curves, but it's all mine. I have come to my current fork in the road and chosen the path for which I feel is right, I am strapped in tight (with lots of compression I might add 😬) and ready to go.
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
Trying to stay positive...
Be careful what you wish for. Knowledge is power. Ignorance is bliss. I am feeling all of these right now.
I have been searching for answers for a VERY long time and I have finally received them. And the info keeps coming. And it's getting more and more depressing the more I learn.
I have always had a feeling that besides the water retention, I was gaining weight much quicker than I should be. I hated saying that because I didn't want to be seen as someone that is in denial of their actions. I know I eat like crap and I eat a lot and I don't exercise...I'm not blind. But...I will gain 14 lbs in a week just like that and I have gained over 100 lbs in a year more than once. That is just...A LOT. I mean, seriously, I don't gorge or eat obscene amounts of food everyday. Sure, some weeks are better than others. But...really?! Is that normal??
I don't know...maybe I am blind to my own actions. But, I really don't think I am.
The last several weeks have been pretty exciting for me because my long search for answers has come to an end.
I have been diagnosed with Lipolymphedema. Initially, it was Lymphedema, but upon further examination and appointments, it has been changed to Lipedema with secondary Lymphedema. At first I thought the Lipedema diagnosis was just a different label because of the criteria I fall under...meaning, I'm not a cancer patient, the retention involves both legs, I bruise easily and I am sensitive to touch. Which all of that is true. But, what I didn't understand until this weekend was that Lipedema effects something totally different than Lymphedema.
"Lipedema is a chronic metabolic disorder of the fatty tissue, of unknown cause, and is marked by a bilateral and symmetrical swelling of the lower extremities, caused by extensive deposits of fatty tissue."
In other words...I have a nice 10 year long collection of fat from my hips down that is stubborn to move and has beat up my lymphatic system causing the Lymphedema to rear it's ugly head and add water to the collection. Yay me. 😩 Think of it like this... my lower body is a bank that will accept deposits but doesn't give out withdrawals.
Lipedema can affect any sized person, it's primarily seen in women and is believed to be associated with hormones or genetics. Which makes sense as to why it appeared when I was pregnant with Sydney...my hormones were all over the place. My diet certainly hasn't helped the condition, but it isn't the main factor. So my assumptions were accurate when I felt there was something else "helping" me gain weight.
Another thing I learned is that diet and exercise are not effective methods to get rid of the accumulated fatty tissue. Wonderful. Because of this, the patients that have Lipedema get discouraged with the lack of results that appear after trying to lose the weight the usual way. Which could lead to depression, becoming more sedentary and gaining more weight worsening the problem. That would be ME. 😖 Whenever I lose weight it is usually most noticeable in my upper body and I get frustrated when my legs aren't showing the results I want. Plus...the extra weight and lack of mobility in my lower body really wear on me. Try walking with your thighs tied together, that's what it's like for me. Or...strap about 3-4 jugs of water on your legs and go up stairs. IT SUCKS!!
The most frustrating part is that fact that not much is known about this disease because it's often seen as obesity and it's the patient's fault for their condition. It took TEN years of complaining and not being heard, yet I was still only diagnosed merely by a series of unrelated problems. I threw out my back, was referred to a Physical Therapist which happened to work alongside a Lymphedema specialist and after hearing my complaints suggested I see that specialist too. I met the right people finally. My doctor is very open minded and shows genuine concern for my health so he is on board for anything. However, his initial treatment, just like all the other doctors, was to address the obesity. Which, honestly, I can't get too upset about because that's exactly what stands out and it's hard to look past 400+ lbs of awesomeness. So...I guess it was a great thing that I threw out my back. Thank goodness for dirty toilets and showers!! Right?
Now...all of this medical explanation aside...how am I doing emotionally with all of this new news and much anticipated diagnosis?
I am a mess. I am feeling defeated. I am frustrated with the wraps and the little progress they're making. I am overwhelmed with the fact that this is a lifelong process. There is no cure. All of the fat that has accumulated over the years is going to be SO HARD to get rid of...IF it ever goes away. All of the hopes and dreams that I've had to have a normal sized body...to fit into normal sized spaces and be able to move like I used to, just seems out of reach now. I am getting a massaging machine and some customized support hose which will hopefully work better than these wraps.
After I started reading more about Lipedema, the flood of emotion came over me like a ton of bricks. I've had an emotional, ugly cry breakdown more than once. Poor Mike was like a deer in headlights, not knowing how to respond. All I need is just hugs at this point. I'm really trying to stay positive, but it's hard. And, I keep thinking how petty I am. There are people that are missing limbs or are paralyzed...or any of those other awful diseases and here I am upset about some extra fat that won't move. How petty. I just have a slew of different feelings and emotions.
I think what's most upsetting is the fact that I'm usually a quick healer and this is really going to be a test on my patience and determination. That's scary. I have to really keep myself from getting into a funk and having frequent pity parties. I have to just come to terms that it's going to take time but in the end it'll all be worth it.
I have been searching for answers for a VERY long time and I have finally received them. And the info keeps coming. And it's getting more and more depressing the more I learn.
I have always had a feeling that besides the water retention, I was gaining weight much quicker than I should be. I hated saying that because I didn't want to be seen as someone that is in denial of their actions. I know I eat like crap and I eat a lot and I don't exercise...I'm not blind. But...I will gain 14 lbs in a week just like that and I have gained over 100 lbs in a year more than once. That is just...A LOT. I mean, seriously, I don't gorge or eat obscene amounts of food everyday. Sure, some weeks are better than others. But...really?! Is that normal??
I don't know...maybe I am blind to my own actions. But, I really don't think I am.
The last several weeks have been pretty exciting for me because my long search for answers has come to an end.
I have been diagnosed with Lipolymphedema. Initially, it was Lymphedema, but upon further examination and appointments, it has been changed to Lipedema with secondary Lymphedema. At first I thought the Lipedema diagnosis was just a different label because of the criteria I fall under...meaning, I'm not a cancer patient, the retention involves both legs, I bruise easily and I am sensitive to touch. Which all of that is true. But, what I didn't understand until this weekend was that Lipedema effects something totally different than Lymphedema.
"Lipedema is a chronic metabolic disorder of the fatty tissue, of unknown cause, and is marked by a bilateral and symmetrical swelling of the lower extremities, caused by extensive deposits of fatty tissue."
In other words...I have a nice 10 year long collection of fat from my hips down that is stubborn to move and has beat up my lymphatic system causing the Lymphedema to rear it's ugly head and add water to the collection. Yay me. 😩 Think of it like this... my lower body is a bank that will accept deposits but doesn't give out withdrawals.
Lipedema can affect any sized person, it's primarily seen in women and is believed to be associated with hormones or genetics. Which makes sense as to why it appeared when I was pregnant with Sydney...my hormones were all over the place. My diet certainly hasn't helped the condition, but it isn't the main factor. So my assumptions were accurate when I felt there was something else "helping" me gain weight.
Another thing I learned is that diet and exercise are not effective methods to get rid of the accumulated fatty tissue. Wonderful. Because of this, the patients that have Lipedema get discouraged with the lack of results that appear after trying to lose the weight the usual way. Which could lead to depression, becoming more sedentary and gaining more weight worsening the problem. That would be ME. 😖 Whenever I lose weight it is usually most noticeable in my upper body and I get frustrated when my legs aren't showing the results I want. Plus...the extra weight and lack of mobility in my lower body really wear on me. Try walking with your thighs tied together, that's what it's like for me. Or...strap about 3-4 jugs of water on your legs and go up stairs. IT SUCKS!!
The most frustrating part is that fact that not much is known about this disease because it's often seen as obesity and it's the patient's fault for their condition. It took TEN years of complaining and not being heard, yet I was still only diagnosed merely by a series of unrelated problems. I threw out my back, was referred to a Physical Therapist which happened to work alongside a Lymphedema specialist and after hearing my complaints suggested I see that specialist too. I met the right people finally. My doctor is very open minded and shows genuine concern for my health so he is on board for anything. However, his initial treatment, just like all the other doctors, was to address the obesity. Which, honestly, I can't get too upset about because that's exactly what stands out and it's hard to look past 400+ lbs of awesomeness. So...I guess it was a great thing that I threw out my back. Thank goodness for dirty toilets and showers!! Right?
Now...all of this medical explanation aside...how am I doing emotionally with all of this new news and much anticipated diagnosis?
I am a mess. I am feeling defeated. I am frustrated with the wraps and the little progress they're making. I am overwhelmed with the fact that this is a lifelong process. There is no cure. All of the fat that has accumulated over the years is going to be SO HARD to get rid of...IF it ever goes away. All of the hopes and dreams that I've had to have a normal sized body...to fit into normal sized spaces and be able to move like I used to, just seems out of reach now. I am getting a massaging machine and some customized support hose which will hopefully work better than these wraps.
After I started reading more about Lipedema, the flood of emotion came over me like a ton of bricks. I've had an emotional, ugly cry breakdown more than once. Poor Mike was like a deer in headlights, not knowing how to respond. All I need is just hugs at this point. I'm really trying to stay positive, but it's hard. And, I keep thinking how petty I am. There are people that are missing limbs or are paralyzed...or any of those other awful diseases and here I am upset about some extra fat that won't move. How petty. I just have a slew of different feelings and emotions.
I think what's most upsetting is the fact that I'm usually a quick healer and this is really going to be a test on my patience and determination. That's scary. I have to really keep myself from getting into a funk and having frequent pity parties. I have to just come to terms that it's going to take time but in the end it'll all be worth it.
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Drowning In My Own Body
Water retention! UGH! My nightmare for over a decade!! For 10 years I've known that there was something else wrong with my body that the doctors weren't addressing or seeing. And, sure enough... Lymphedema. When I walk into any doctors office, the first thing they see is a morbidly obese woman. Understandably. However...please look past that and LISTEN TO ME!! Listen to me when I say...at every appointment...that my main issue, the main reason why I have such a hard time losing weight and getting motivated is the fact that my hips, butt and legs feel like BRICKS...blown up, tight, unflexible bags of cement. Try lugging that around everywhere. Try lifting those up stairs or into a car. I get it...I get that I am obese. I get that I need to lose weight. But...PLEASE help me when I tell you that this water retention is pissing me off! And quit popping me with water pills...they obviously aren't doing the trick.
When I got pregnant with Sydney, I was already over 300 lbs. Needless to say my health was a main concern. Everyone was worried about me and rightfully so. It was a MISERABLE pregnancy. I had all kinds of issues from the get go. During the first trimester, my whole body blew up with fluid. I couldn't even bend my knee back to sit on my leg on the couch (if you can visualize that). I felt like a blown up water balloon wobbling around like a penguin. It was so bad that when I scratched my leg it would ooze water. NO JOKE! It would come out like a steady flow to the point that we had to get a rag to stop it. And, I just recently found out that the oozing of water is called "Weeping" a sure sign of Lymphedema. So it started way back then. And, not only did I suffer from that my whole pregnancy, but I was also diagnosed with Sleep Apnea during the second trimester. So on top of being physically unable to move, I had to learn how to sleep with a stupid mask on my face. I HATE things on my face! I had anxiety trying to get used to that thing. My nose was always stuffed up, so I would breathe through my mouth most of the time. The mask covered my nose and mouth thankfully, but getting past the 'feeling of suffocating' was difficult. I asked my doctor for something to calm my nerves, but with being pregnant, the only thing he could suggest was taking Benedryl. Luckily that helped. From that point on, I had to sleep in a recliner. Which I ending up breaking down several of our reclining chairs in our sectional sofa during that time...those springs can only withstand a constant weight of over 300 lbs on the springs for so long. lol. Now...onto the third trimester...let's see what else I can get. How about...Gestational Diabetes?? Why not. I love a challenge. So, I dealt with that too. Poking my fingertips every couple of hours to check my blood sugar, eating a restricted diet for the rest of the time. I managed...barely. But, unfortunately that Gestational Diabetes turned into Type 2 Diabetes after Sydney was born. Yay me.
After I had Sydney, I expected my swelled up legs to go back to normal. Well, they didn't. I talked to my doctor and she gave me a water pill. Ok. We'll try that. Nothing. Other than peeing every 5 minutes. Years pass by...still nothing. A new doctor. Same complaint and pleading to help me get rid of this water retention. New pill?? Sure. Why not. Nothing. More peeing. By this point I am searching for anything that might give me some relief. Everything that helps ends up being temporary. Let me just tell you how much this affects my mood, my desire to do anything outside of the home. I am exhausted just thinking about walking around with these dead weights. It's so frustrating. 10 years. 10 years of this crap. I have missed out on so many things while my kids were little because it was so draining to move. Makes me mad!
But, I am pleased to say that I am FINALLY seeing a light at the end of the tunnel! By mistake actually. I was doing normal chores and I threw out my lower back. Earlier that week I had done a lot of housework that was hard on my back and it caught up with me. I was down for the count for quite a while. I went to my doctor and he directed me to start seeing a Physical Therapist. I went to see her and explained my issues and also told her about my water retention and how that makes it hard for me to get a good range of motion and be active. She asked if I had ever seen a Lymphedema specialist. 'Uhhh..no. What is that?' So, she sent in a request to my doctor for me to get a consult with one and he then signed off on it. Thankfully.
I went to see the Lymphedema specialist and we talked about everything that I have been going through for the past 10 years and she confirmed that I have had Lymphedema since my pregnancy with Sydney. She explained that we have lymph nodes in our body to help regulate and move fluid around to flush out waste and toxins and such. And, the lymph nodes in my groin area no longer function so that messes up my lymphatic system and therefore pools fluid in my lower body. There is no cure, there is only treatment to reduce the retention and redirect the flow to the functioning lymph nodes. That is what we're doing now.
The treatment that I am going through to flush out the fluid that has built up over the past 10 years is called wrapping. There is also a special massage that's done beforehand to stimulate the lymphatic system and open up the passageways and redirect the flow. It's trial and error right now. We're watching the progress and making adjustments as needed. Currently I have one leg wrapped thigh high and the other wrapped knee high. She doesn't want to overwhelm the working lymph nodes. I am already seeing a lot of progress, especially in my feet, ankles and lower legs. I am feeling the affects of it too. Which is SUPER exciting and tremendously helps my state of mind. Right now it's hard to address the areas above my lower thigh because of mobility, so a compression garment will be needed for that. There is also a special compression massaging device ($5000-$7000 😨) that we will be buying to use at home. This will cover my entire leg, hips, butt and trunk area. I put it on...an hour for each leg and side of the body. There are chambers within the device that inflate and deflate all up and down which creates a wave like movement to stimulate and flush fluid out. It's actually very relaxing and feels so good to feel things moving.
There is a lot of extra attention that is needed right now just to get my body to a level of focusing on only maintenance and keeping things as normal as possible. I will forever be in support hose to keep a constant compression on my lower body.
As tiresome and awkward and restricting as this is, I am still so grateful for it. I can't express enough how relieved I am to see and feel progress. I am so blessed to have the professionals available to treat my condition and thankful to have finally come across the individuals to look past the obese woman and address the problem. Not to mention a husband that has turned into my home nurse to take care of me during off hours. He is a saint...helping me with my Physical Therapy stretches and the massage and wrapping needed for my legs.
I am so excited to see what the each month will bring with the steady and forward progress I'm already experiencing. I'm getting my freedom back! No more drowning and being a prisoner in my own body.
When I got pregnant with Sydney, I was already over 300 lbs. Needless to say my health was a main concern. Everyone was worried about me and rightfully so. It was a MISERABLE pregnancy. I had all kinds of issues from the get go. During the first trimester, my whole body blew up with fluid. I couldn't even bend my knee back to sit on my leg on the couch (if you can visualize that). I felt like a blown up water balloon wobbling around like a penguin. It was so bad that when I scratched my leg it would ooze water. NO JOKE! It would come out like a steady flow to the point that we had to get a rag to stop it. And, I just recently found out that the oozing of water is called "Weeping" a sure sign of Lymphedema. So it started way back then. And, not only did I suffer from that my whole pregnancy, but I was also diagnosed with Sleep Apnea during the second trimester. So on top of being physically unable to move, I had to learn how to sleep with a stupid mask on my face. I HATE things on my face! I had anxiety trying to get used to that thing. My nose was always stuffed up, so I would breathe through my mouth most of the time. The mask covered my nose and mouth thankfully, but getting past the 'feeling of suffocating' was difficult. I asked my doctor for something to calm my nerves, but with being pregnant, the only thing he could suggest was taking Benedryl. Luckily that helped. From that point on, I had to sleep in a recliner. Which I ending up breaking down several of our reclining chairs in our sectional sofa during that time...those springs can only withstand a constant weight of over 300 lbs on the springs for so long. lol. Now...onto the third trimester...let's see what else I can get. How about...Gestational Diabetes?? Why not. I love a challenge. So, I dealt with that too. Poking my fingertips every couple of hours to check my blood sugar, eating a restricted diet for the rest of the time. I managed...barely. But, unfortunately that Gestational Diabetes turned into Type 2 Diabetes after Sydney was born. Yay me.
After I had Sydney, I expected my swelled up legs to go back to normal. Well, they didn't. I talked to my doctor and she gave me a water pill. Ok. We'll try that. Nothing. Other than peeing every 5 minutes. Years pass by...still nothing. A new doctor. Same complaint and pleading to help me get rid of this water retention. New pill?? Sure. Why not. Nothing. More peeing. By this point I am searching for anything that might give me some relief. Everything that helps ends up being temporary. Let me just tell you how much this affects my mood, my desire to do anything outside of the home. I am exhausted just thinking about walking around with these dead weights. It's so frustrating. 10 years. 10 years of this crap. I have missed out on so many things while my kids were little because it was so draining to move. Makes me mad!
But, I am pleased to say that I am FINALLY seeing a light at the end of the tunnel! By mistake actually. I was doing normal chores and I threw out my lower back. Earlier that week I had done a lot of housework that was hard on my back and it caught up with me. I was down for the count for quite a while. I went to my doctor and he directed me to start seeing a Physical Therapist. I went to see her and explained my issues and also told her about my water retention and how that makes it hard for me to get a good range of motion and be active. She asked if I had ever seen a Lymphedema specialist. 'Uhhh..no. What is that?' So, she sent in a request to my doctor for me to get a consult with one and he then signed off on it. Thankfully.
I went to see the Lymphedema specialist and we talked about everything that I have been going through for the past 10 years and she confirmed that I have had Lymphedema since my pregnancy with Sydney. She explained that we have lymph nodes in our body to help regulate and move fluid around to flush out waste and toxins and such. And, the lymph nodes in my groin area no longer function so that messes up my lymphatic system and therefore pools fluid in my lower body. There is no cure, there is only treatment to reduce the retention and redirect the flow to the functioning lymph nodes. That is what we're doing now.
There is a lot of extra attention that is needed right now just to get my body to a level of focusing on only maintenance and keeping things as normal as possible. I will forever be in support hose to keep a constant compression on my lower body.
As tiresome and awkward and restricting as this is, I am still so grateful for it. I can't express enough how relieved I am to see and feel progress. I am so blessed to have the professionals available to treat my condition and thankful to have finally come across the individuals to look past the obese woman and address the problem. Not to mention a husband that has turned into my home nurse to take care of me during off hours. He is a saint...helping me with my Physical Therapy stretches and the massage and wrapping needed for my legs.
I am so excited to see what the each month will bring with the steady and forward progress I'm already experiencing. I'm getting my freedom back! No more drowning and being a prisoner in my own body.
Sunday, March 19, 2017
The Life of a Fat Girl.
I have always been considered and looked at as a "fat girl". More specifically the "funny fat girl". Does it bother me? Yes. I always think this is the first thing people notice. As I've gotten older I feel like there is a spotlight on me when I enter the room or when I walk in front of people... a spotlight showcasing my fatness. I visualize and imagine the gasps of disgust. Luckily, I stay sane and get by with my sense of humor. I don't mind being the funny girl. I enjoy that a lot. I just would like the fat part to go away.
Life as a fat girl...well, it sucks. I don't know life differently though. And maybe that's why I haven't been able to be successful at losing weight permanently. Fear of the unknown. My sister in law once said, "Don't lose weight because then you won't be you." What she meant was, that's the only way she's ever known me. Well, it's the only way I've ever known me.
Growing up I was always bigger, not necessarily fat, but bigger. It was a label that I received at a young age and it stuck. Emotionally. So regardless of my weight, I considered myself bigger "fat". Poking fun at myself was a way to break the ice among new kids to help get it out there and move past the judgments. I beat them to it, so they couldn't get the satisfaction and laughs from making the hateful remarks themselves.
This is something that I have continued to do as an adult. I feel as though being the "Funny Fat Girl" is my identity, it's who I am. I can't visualize myself any other way. But, I desperately NEED to. I need to find a way to convince myself that it's OK to change. I will still be the same person inside even if I change the outside. But, it's hard to change routines that have been a part of my everyday lifestyle for so long. At least it is for any length of time. I've tried, over and over.
Over the past 10 years my health has been on the decline. I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and Sleep Apnea by the time I was 30 years old. I have lived in denial for about that long and have now reached a point where my body is breaking down. These past 2 years I have seen and felt the decline gain speed and introduce a variety of different issues that put my life at risk. I am worried. My family is worried, they look at me with concern and feelings of helplessness all the time. I hate it. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to changing my bad habits and taking care of myself.
It's has become unbearable. I am a prisoner in my own body. I am a prisoner in my own head.
I go through anxiety attacks daily stressing about different things that involve my size, weight and physical limitations. When I go anywhere my inner dialogue is always the same...'How far do I have to walk', 'How many times do I have to get out of the car', 'Will I fit where I am going', 'How far will I have to park', 'Is a car going to park too close to my door?', 'Will my legs get weighed down with water?', 'How often am I going to have to pee?'...the questioning is endless.
It has gotten to the point that I dread going anywhere because, not only do I know that I am going to be exhausted with minimal activity, but I have also exhausted myself mentally before even leaving my home. It's very frustrating. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Which is why I have become such a recluse.
The struggle that I face with dieting is that I hate restrictions but I need structure. I'm not quite sure how to make that work without pissing myself off. I haven't been able to. But...I have finally reached my breaking point. I CAN NOT live like this anymore. I am miserable E.V.E.R.Y.D.A.Y. in my body. I can't move. I can't do simple chores. I can't function like a normal person.
So...I am saying this now. A promise to me and a promise to my family.
My life as a "Fat Girl" is over! And, THAT'S no joke.
Tomorrow I start Physical Therapy to help gain strength again and I also start my Healthy Habits challenge. I have bought a Fitbit to help keep me moving. I start Nutrisystem next week, which will keep the think work out of dieting. I won't like the restrictions with food, but I'll LOVE the ease of not having to plan or count anything. It's a give and take right?? And, I need to see results quickly to keep me motivated. I have learned that I can't rely on myself to make smart decisions regarding my health. I am blessed to have a great support system and they frequently try to get involved to help in any way they can. I am the one that doesn't follow through or stay dedicated. But, that ends now.
Say Goodbye to "Funny Fat Girl" and Hello to the soon to be "Fat Free Funny Girl" or "Reduced Fat Funny Girl". Whichever suits your taste. :) The reduced fat may be more doable. lol. ;);)
I AM READY!!
Life as a fat girl...well, it sucks. I don't know life differently though. And maybe that's why I haven't been able to be successful at losing weight permanently. Fear of the unknown. My sister in law once said, "Don't lose weight because then you won't be you." What she meant was, that's the only way she's ever known me. Well, it's the only way I've ever known me.
Growing up I was always bigger, not necessarily fat, but bigger. It was a label that I received at a young age and it stuck. Emotionally. So regardless of my weight, I considered myself bigger "fat". Poking fun at myself was a way to break the ice among new kids to help get it out there and move past the judgments. I beat them to it, so they couldn't get the satisfaction and laughs from making the hateful remarks themselves.
This is something that I have continued to do as an adult. I feel as though being the "Funny Fat Girl" is my identity, it's who I am. I can't visualize myself any other way. But, I desperately NEED to. I need to find a way to convince myself that it's OK to change. I will still be the same person inside even if I change the outside. But, it's hard to change routines that have been a part of my everyday lifestyle for so long. At least it is for any length of time. I've tried, over and over.
Over the past 10 years my health has been on the decline. I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and Sleep Apnea by the time I was 30 years old. I have lived in denial for about that long and have now reached a point where my body is breaking down. These past 2 years I have seen and felt the decline gain speed and introduce a variety of different issues that put my life at risk. I am worried. My family is worried, they look at me with concern and feelings of helplessness all the time. I hate it. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to changing my bad habits and taking care of myself.
It's has become unbearable. I am a prisoner in my own body. I am a prisoner in my own head.
I go through anxiety attacks daily stressing about different things that involve my size, weight and physical limitations. When I go anywhere my inner dialogue is always the same...'How far do I have to walk', 'How many times do I have to get out of the car', 'Will I fit where I am going', 'How far will I have to park', 'Is a car going to park too close to my door?', 'Will my legs get weighed down with water?', 'How often am I going to have to pee?'...the questioning is endless.
It has gotten to the point that I dread going anywhere because, not only do I know that I am going to be exhausted with minimal activity, but I have also exhausted myself mentally before even leaving my home. It's very frustrating. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Which is why I have become such a recluse.
The struggle that I face with dieting is that I hate restrictions but I need structure. I'm not quite sure how to make that work without pissing myself off. I haven't been able to. But...I have finally reached my breaking point. I CAN NOT live like this anymore. I am miserable E.V.E.R.Y.D.A.Y. in my body. I can't move. I can't do simple chores. I can't function like a normal person.
So...I am saying this now. A promise to me and a promise to my family.
My life as a "Fat Girl" is over! And, THAT'S no joke.
Tomorrow I start Physical Therapy to help gain strength again and I also start my Healthy Habits challenge. I have bought a Fitbit to help keep me moving. I start Nutrisystem next week, which will keep the think work out of dieting. I won't like the restrictions with food, but I'll LOVE the ease of not having to plan or count anything. It's a give and take right?? And, I need to see results quickly to keep me motivated. I have learned that I can't rely on myself to make smart decisions regarding my health. I am blessed to have a great support system and they frequently try to get involved to help in any way they can. I am the one that doesn't follow through or stay dedicated. But, that ends now.
Say Goodbye to "Funny Fat Girl" and Hello to the soon to be "Fat Free Funny Girl" or "Reduced Fat Funny Girl". Whichever suits your taste. :) The reduced fat may be more doable. lol. ;);)
I AM READY!!
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
Finding my Normal
"When things get back to normal, I will start my diet."
"When things get back to normal, I will go to the gym."
"Once life slows down, I can focus on myself."
"I will start on Monday."
I have been saying these statements for over 20 years. I have started a diet on Monday hundreds of times. Why Monday?? Because it's usually the most dreaded day. So...why not?? Let's throw some more miserable into that day. But, really it's a way to appease the guilt I feel for not taking care of myself. "I'll start on Monday." In other words...it's ok to be bad today because 'I'll start taking care of myself later.' Well...how good has that worked for me so far?? It hasn't.
I have joined Weight Watchers dozens of times over the years and each time it's because 'I have GOT to do something about my weight'. So, I figure I will join a diet program and it will magically change who I am and the weight will melt off. I tend to forget that joining is just the first step, I have to actually follow the program and change my eating habits if I want to see results. I'm usually pretty good for a couple of weeks, then I get bored or frustrated and give up. The same goes for joining a gym or buying exercise equipment, they have to actually be used in order to see results. Right?
Unrealistic Expectations.
THIS is where I set myself up for failure.
"When things get back to normal, I will..." *fill in the blank* How many times have I said that? And honestly, what is normal?? Heck if I know. By saying this, it helps me feel better about slacking off. But really, it's just another excuse to put off something that I don't want to do. Everyday I imagine a stress free life where there are no unexpected hiccups to mess up my plans. I guess that's what I would view as normal. Boring. Uneventful. I long for that type of lifestyle because I do not function very well when I have too much on my plate. I get very overwhelmed and then I shut down. I don't like having all my days and evenings filled with activities. I believe in keeping my family active but not to the point where we are so rushed and busy that we can hardly even say hello to each other. I enjoy lazy days and evenings to watch movies, play games, go out to eat or just chill. That to me keeps everyone more well rounded and less anxious and creates happier memories than shuttling ourselves back and forth to anything and everything that we can be signed up for.
I think another reason that keeps me from really buckling down and sticking to a plan that includes activities is, fear of my activities interfering with other things that could come up. Now how is that for logic? LOL! I am more willing to throw away my plans than I am at saying no to someone in need. In some cases that's good I guess, but in the long run it's really hurting me. This is where putting myself first and sticking to my plan comes into play. I worry about how that will be portrayed to those around me. I don't like to appear selfish or unavailable, but I know that I need to be, in order to get myself back in shape. So, this is where I practice saying, "Sorry, I can't. I have plans to go to the gym." I know everyone will understand and be happy to hear it. I just HATE saying no to someone asking for my help or whatever it may be.
Building a better relationship with myself.
When I talk to any single person headed for marriage I counsel to them the importance of the 3 C's (one of my own formulas for a successful marriage, not that I'm an expert by any stretch of the means). The 3 C's are... Compassion, Communication and Compromise.
This formula is just as important in building a healthy relationship with myself as it is in keeping a healthy marriage. I think the hardest one of those would be compassion. How often am I faced with someone that is thinner, smarter, prettier, more talented at something? Everyday, multiple times usually. And each time, it deflates my mood a little. I think it is human nature to compare ourselves to those we admire. It gives us something to strive for I guess. But, it can also lead us into a continuous path of trying to be someone we're not. This is where compassion comes into play.
I'll give you an example...Pioneer Woman. I admire her tremendously. How I yearn to be so into providing such beautiful meals that are homemade and creative and so thoughtfully put together. Reality check. 1. What I am seeing is a TV show that is edited. Is this who she really is? To some degree yes. BUT...how often are these meals made?? Does she have cereal night? My point is, I can't beat myself up for not being her because I have NO idea what's actually going on behind the camera.
Same goes for social media, PTA moms, church moms, etc... We see a small glimpse into the lives of these individuals.
Do any of us like to post or advertise our short comings or bad days? Not usually. I'm not going to post a picture of the whole pizza and pint of ice cream I just ate. I'm going to post a picture of the most healthy meals or whenever I go to the gym. You know why? Because I'm proud of that and I want to share it. However...it paints a false picture of my day to day life. I screw up. I am not always a great role model to my kids. I yell. I rebel. I hate homework and I don't enforce it like I should. I say bad words and tell dirty jokes. We eat junk food and play on our phones WAY too much. I am human. I am not perfect. My point...don't assume those who we admire have their shit together. Be compassionate to your imperfections and be the best version of yourself.
Communication and Compromise. Once I have learned the compassion part, now it's time to have a heart to heart with myself. What are my goals? What am I truly capable of and WILLING to do? Be realistic. My initial response would be an "all or nothing" type of challenge. "I am going to eliminate ALL sugar and soda and fast food and work out EVERYDAY!" Ummm...NO. That's unrealistic. I know how pissy and moody I get when things are taken away. THIS is where compromise comes into play. I know I have to wean down on junk food, but I have to be compassionate to my sanity too. What can I handle giving up to start with? Should I start with eliminating one thing at a time or work on knocking down all junk food gradually? Should I exercise a little bit everyday or should I work out aggressively a few days a week? Communication, Compassion and Compromise will help answer those questions.
I will be 40 years old this year. I am actually quite excited about it. I look forward to each decade because it's like a new chapter in my life. How will this one be written? I am the author, so it's up to me. All I know is that my 30's were lived with lots of limitations due to my health and weight gain and I am not about to let another decade go by without living life to the fullest. Now that our kids are getting older and require less round the clock attention, I feel more at ease with spending more time on myself. I am excited to see what I am capable of. :)
"When things get back to normal, I will go to the gym."
"Once life slows down, I can focus on myself."
"I will start on Monday."
I have been saying these statements for over 20 years. I have started a diet on Monday hundreds of times. Why Monday?? Because it's usually the most dreaded day. So...why not?? Let's throw some more miserable into that day. But, really it's a way to appease the guilt I feel for not taking care of myself. "I'll start on Monday." In other words...it's ok to be bad today because 'I'll start taking care of myself later.' Well...how good has that worked for me so far?? It hasn't.
I have joined Weight Watchers dozens of times over the years and each time it's because 'I have GOT to do something about my weight'. So, I figure I will join a diet program and it will magically change who I am and the weight will melt off. I tend to forget that joining is just the first step, I have to actually follow the program and change my eating habits if I want to see results. I'm usually pretty good for a couple of weeks, then I get bored or frustrated and give up. The same goes for joining a gym or buying exercise equipment, they have to actually be used in order to see results. Right?
Unrealistic Expectations.
THIS is where I set myself up for failure.
"When things get back to normal, I will..." *fill in the blank* How many times have I said that? And honestly, what is normal?? Heck if I know. By saying this, it helps me feel better about slacking off. But really, it's just another excuse to put off something that I don't want to do. Everyday I imagine a stress free life where there are no unexpected hiccups to mess up my plans. I guess that's what I would view as normal. Boring. Uneventful. I long for that type of lifestyle because I do not function very well when I have too much on my plate. I get very overwhelmed and then I shut down. I don't like having all my days and evenings filled with activities. I believe in keeping my family active but not to the point where we are so rushed and busy that we can hardly even say hello to each other. I enjoy lazy days and evenings to watch movies, play games, go out to eat or just chill. That to me keeps everyone more well rounded and less anxious and creates happier memories than shuttling ourselves back and forth to anything and everything that we can be signed up for.
I think another reason that keeps me from really buckling down and sticking to a plan that includes activities is, fear of my activities interfering with other things that could come up. Now how is that for logic? LOL! I am more willing to throw away my plans than I am at saying no to someone in need. In some cases that's good I guess, but in the long run it's really hurting me. This is where putting myself first and sticking to my plan comes into play. I worry about how that will be portrayed to those around me. I don't like to appear selfish or unavailable, but I know that I need to be, in order to get myself back in shape. So, this is where I practice saying, "Sorry, I can't. I have plans to go to the gym." I know everyone will understand and be happy to hear it. I just HATE saying no to someone asking for my help or whatever it may be.
Building a better relationship with myself.
When I talk to any single person headed for marriage I counsel to them the importance of the 3 C's (one of my own formulas for a successful marriage, not that I'm an expert by any stretch of the means). The 3 C's are... Compassion, Communication and Compromise.
This formula is just as important in building a healthy relationship with myself as it is in keeping a healthy marriage. I think the hardest one of those would be compassion. How often am I faced with someone that is thinner, smarter, prettier, more talented at something? Everyday, multiple times usually. And each time, it deflates my mood a little. I think it is human nature to compare ourselves to those we admire. It gives us something to strive for I guess. But, it can also lead us into a continuous path of trying to be someone we're not. This is where compassion comes into play.
I'll give you an example...Pioneer Woman. I admire her tremendously. How I yearn to be so into providing such beautiful meals that are homemade and creative and so thoughtfully put together. Reality check. 1. What I am seeing is a TV show that is edited. Is this who she really is? To some degree yes. BUT...how often are these meals made?? Does she have cereal night? My point is, I can't beat myself up for not being her because I have NO idea what's actually going on behind the camera.
Same goes for social media, PTA moms, church moms, etc... We see a small glimpse into the lives of these individuals.
Do any of us like to post or advertise our short comings or bad days? Not usually. I'm not going to post a picture of the whole pizza and pint of ice cream I just ate. I'm going to post a picture of the most healthy meals or whenever I go to the gym. You know why? Because I'm proud of that and I want to share it. However...it paints a false picture of my day to day life. I screw up. I am not always a great role model to my kids. I yell. I rebel. I hate homework and I don't enforce it like I should. I say bad words and tell dirty jokes. We eat junk food and play on our phones WAY too much. I am human. I am not perfect. My point...don't assume those who we admire have their shit together. Be compassionate to your imperfections and be the best version of yourself.
Communication and Compromise. Once I have learned the compassion part, now it's time to have a heart to heart with myself. What are my goals? What am I truly capable of and WILLING to do? Be realistic. My initial response would be an "all or nothing" type of challenge. "I am going to eliminate ALL sugar and soda and fast food and work out EVERYDAY!" Ummm...NO. That's unrealistic. I know how pissy and moody I get when things are taken away. THIS is where compromise comes into play. I know I have to wean down on junk food, but I have to be compassionate to my sanity too. What can I handle giving up to start with? Should I start with eliminating one thing at a time or work on knocking down all junk food gradually? Should I exercise a little bit everyday or should I work out aggressively a few days a week? Communication, Compassion and Compromise will help answer those questions.
I will be 40 years old this year. I am actually quite excited about it. I look forward to each decade because it's like a new chapter in my life. How will this one be written? I am the author, so it's up to me. All I know is that my 30's were lived with lots of limitations due to my health and weight gain and I am not about to let another decade go by without living life to the fullest. Now that our kids are getting older and require less round the clock attention, I feel more at ease with spending more time on myself. I am excited to see what I am capable of. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)