I never realized how afraid of change that I am. I've always considered myself a go with the flow kind of person. Which in a lot of cases I am. But, that is with minor decisions like where to eat...what game to play...what movie to watch...things like that. If it involves more of a commitment or something that will affect my "normal"...it terrifies me.A scary realization for me that I have been trying to ignore is that in order to change my 385 pound body...and change the fact that I am Diabetic and have Sleep Apnea...and change the newly diagnosed problem called Lymphedema...I have to completely change my relationship with food. And, completely change my lifestyle and all that I've known.
Here are my relationships with food:
Relationship #1. Eating out is the answer to all my stresses when I've had a busy day...long day...rough day...good day...exhausting day...don't feel good day...great news day...you name it...eating out is the solution. I hate cooking. I hate planning meals. I hate grocery shopping. I hate putting everything away. I hate prepping food. I hate hearing the moans and groans if I'm fixing something undesirable. I hate cleaning up. As you can see I hate the whole process from start to finish. So, what is my solution? Eat out. Very simple. And, why is this my solution? Because...I don't have to prep it, cook it or clean up...everyone chooses what they like. Voila! Everyone is happy.
Why is this a bad relationship with food?
Answer: There are a lot of advantages to cooking at home. It saves money, it is healthier and it enforces closer family time. At a restaurant we sit together at the table, but it isn't as private. At home, it is a nicer and more comfortable atmosphere, so everyone can get heard and be acknowledged. It allows us as parents to spotlight each family member uninterrupted and listen to the highs and lows of that day.
It also allows us to work together and not rely on the "staff" to do the jobs for us. We learn the value of self-reliance, we teach the skills of planning and cooking and we each pitch in to help each other with the least liked task of cleaning up.
Eating at home also fills our bellies with food that we've handled and cooked. There is no mystery as to what has been added to enhance the flavors of whatever is being served.
All in all it is a smarter choice for the waistline, the wallet and for family bonding.
Relationship #2. Sweets and desserts are the keys to happiness. They are used as the "dangling carrot" to reach the goals. They are the bribes used to be the "favorite" whoever to all the kids. Everyone loves sugar right? It's sweet and tastes good and gets that "happy" hormone all amped up. So...of course good feelings are associated with sweets. I get giddy if I know that I am going to get something sweet to eat. It immediately puts me in a good mood.
Why is this a bad relationship?
This is the emotional damager just as much as the physical destroyer.
Sugar is addictive. We get addicted to the way it makes us feel. It becomes a vice to help us cope with the everyday stresses. A quick picker upper. It screws with us emotionally. It becomes a crutch...we need it to get through the day.
These 2 things are my worst relationships with food and the hardest ones for me to change, because they will be drastic changes and ones that I have to make a huge commitment to in order to succeed in my weight loss goals. That is what terrifies me. Fortunately both can be eliminated...since I've come to learn that moderation is a hard one for me to adhere to. Eliminating sugar is more of a 'stop eating so many desserts' kind of thing.
Here is the funny thing with how my mind works with these two things...the eating out one in particular. I immediately feel restricted when that convenience is taken away. Almost fearful. "What am I going to do if I can't eat out??" I panic. For some reason I always view things as all or nothing. Which makes it hard to change because it's moderation and balance that I need to succeed and be happy emotionally and healthy physically.
I have a friend that is the opposite of me when it comes to eating out. She just cooks at home...that is what she knows, that is what she does...without thought of eating out. It is programmed in her mind that that is just what is done. I admire that.
My grandma always talks about the meals she made when her kids were growing up and my dad would reminisce about that too. I wish that I enjoyed doing that. And, maybe I am naïve in thinking that she enjoyed that. Maybe she secretly hated it but did it anyway. I don't know. For me, I always view eating home as so boring. But, the crazy thing about that thought is that when I eat out, I usually frequent the same spots and order the same things. I mean...really...how boring is that?? My mind is twisted in a lot of ways when is comes to this.
With sugar...it's more of a habit that I need to break. I am used to having something sweet after each meal or during certain activities. Again...it's more of an emotional addiction that I need to address. Find a replacement...develop different associations.
Now...I'd like to direct the attention away from food to another change that will greatly affect my lifestyle. This is one I'm actually very excited for because it will help me to develop new habits and start fresh with my food lifestyle...hopefully. We, as a family, have decided to move away from Las Vegas...my comfort zone. Nothing is set in stone yet...so it may not pan out. But...things are looking pretty good.
We took a family road trip back in June and there were a lot of things that brought attention to my size and the restrictions of it. Living in Las Vegas, there aren't many things that I do where my size is a huge issue. It's an inconvenience and frustration more than anything. We went to Kansas City and Texas...both places have a lot of things to do where being fit and healthy make being there so much easier and more fun. I missed out on a lot because of my size and stamina. Plus the fact that I have become very clumsy and unsure on my feet. Due to my water retention, my feet swell up so they aren't flexible, which makes it hard and scary for me to climb and explore like I'd love to do. Just doing simple things like going up stairs and sitting on the ground have become a struggle. It's a miserable and embarrassing way to live.
When I was losing weight back in 2012, I would close my eyes and try to envision myself thin. But, I couldn't...I honestly didn't see myself getting to that point. After going on this trip and seeing all the things that I could do and experiencing the frustration of not being able to do them it really struck a chord. After that trip, I closed my eyes again and pictured myself doing all those things...and I could finally envision myself without all of this weight holding me back. It was breathtaking and emotional to have that joy back into my life. I have been weighed down for so long in a comfort zone where it has become acceptable. There hasn't been much to really, truly motivate me to see this through. Of course I love my family and want to live a long life with them, but they accept me for who I am regardless of my size. Which allows me to fall victim to my owns demons. Allowing me to become complacent in my body and with my habits.
This HUGE change is something that is not only need for my kids...Sydney in particular. She is the one that first got Mike and I talking about it. But...I am seeing now, that it is needed for me.
I am a bundle of nerves and emotions. It's a big step for me...not one that I'm used to or have ever done. But, I have faith that it is right in so many ways.
