I am 40 years old now. It's not old, but it's not young either. I enjoy getting older because it means I'm still here. I'm still living...I'm learning...I'm spending more time with the ones I love.
I catch myself on a daily basis wondering why I can't do the things I did when I was 20 or 30 or even 35. It's because I'm not 20 or 30 or 35. I'm 40. My body feels every single one of those years and then some, but my mind still thinks I'm 20.
Each decade seems to add another volume to a series called 'Life'. In my story, I started with finding the love of my life and starting a family. This is the volume called 'My Twenties'. This decade was very fun and new and overwhelming. It was exciting to begin my life on my own being newly married. We had our first apartment, a one bedroom that was just perfect. We learned how to live together and respect each other and be understanding of our differences. We supported each other financially and emotionally. We created a lot of great memories of being poor and the mistakes we made. We took our time starting a family. I wanted to enjoy our time with each other before adding the stress of kids.
The last half of my twenties is when we started our family. Twins! The shock of that took awhile to get over. I couldn't have asked for more perfect babies to begin this stage of my life. I grew up as an only child, being raised around adults with no cousins near by. I had NO experience with babies, so having twins was scary to say the least. But...I managed. We both did the best we could. This stage of my life was my favorite by far for a lot of reasons. It's not because of the kids or Mike, it's because I feel that I was at my best back then. Sure I had the normal stresses of being a new mom and occasional bouts of depression, but looking back now, I was much healthier physically and emotionally then. I was having fun with my new little family, just living and enjoying myself.
Now onto Volume 2 of 'Life'. My thirties...the decline. I had Sydney when I was 29, so I consider her a part of this volume. My pregnancy with her is what began this decline. No fault of hers. I was over 300 lbs when I got pregnant so it brought on and escalated a lot of new or underlying medical problems. Some I didn't know I had until recently.When she was born, she was a very needy and inconsolable baby. The baby stage has never been my favorite, so having a difficult baby made it hard for me to bond. After we fixed a formula problem, she calmed down. This helped me grow closer to our new little girl. I loved being a mom. I loved that I had the the luxury of staying at home and watching them grow, teaching them how to do things and watching them discover and explore.
This is also the decade where I added the church to my life. In many ways it brought on some great things, but in others ways it added on a great deal of stress. I love the social part of church, but everything else...not so much. It added on an uncomfortable feeling that never went away. I have never been one who likes being confined by rules or expectations. I am a free spirit, one who speaks her mind and is very skeptical about things that seem far fetched. To be honest, I still wonder why I converted. The main thing that drew me into the church was the love of family atmosphere and the good standards they teach the kids. The gospel part never really took hold of me. At times it peaked my interest and I paid attention, but my skepticism always won over.
The decline wasn't fully felt until the later part of my thirties. There are many factors that created a lot of self doubt, overwhelmed periods, feelings of inadequacy, moments of frustration. As a mom, we are judged by everyone we encounter. We are being judged by how well we treat our kids, how well they behave, what their abilities are. Are they smart? Are they kind? We are judged ourselves. How well do we function? How much can we take on our plate and not fail? Do we look like a deadbeat mommy or is our makeup on and hair brushed? It's a lot of pressure and exhausting feeling like you live under a microscope.
It doesn't help that I am a SUPER sensitive person. So this judgement that I speak of, whether it's in my head or not, affects me a great deal.
Being a member of the LDS faith, made my feelings of inadequacy feel even greater. Not by anyone within. This group of individuals couldn't be any kinder or loving to everyone they encounter. It's my own desire to be like them that made me doubt myself and my own abilities as a mom, a wife, a woman. So, here I am, a new mom, a somewhat new wife, a woman with no experience raising kids or even watching kids grow up and NOW a member of this church surrounded by these fabulous moms and dads that have it all together. Talk about feeling inadequate. Yes, I know it's ALL in my head. But, it was a real issue for me regardless. What's funny is, I have become very close with a lot of these moms and dads and in many cases they have the same out of control experiences, unruly kids, bouts of self doubt, struggles with their own bad habits as I do. They are just as real as I am.
Because of this, deciding to leave the church has created a lot of back and forth debates in my head in order to be comfortable with my decision even though I have wanted to for a long time. I can no longer rely on the love of it in a social aspect to justify me going. I have tried to believe in the teachings and history of it, but I just don't. I wish I did. The mind wars I have been through over this has caused me a great deal of stress, feelings of guilt and letting those I love down. But, the feeling of getting the old Jill back I have felt since making this decision has turned back on a light that has been fading over the years. I don't feel like I have to exist in this pretty package of having my life together.
My thirties...a decade of learning. A decade of stress. A decade of one health problem after another. A decade of being a mom in constant fear of screwing these kids up. A fantastic decade of raising great kids, watching them grow. A fantastic decade of making great lifelong friendships. Also a decade I am happy to be done with.
Now onto Volume 3...my forties. Oh crap! Now what??
The feeling of being lost. What is my purpose? My kids are growing up and their needs are different. How do I Mother now? I am a woman in a forty year old body with a 24 year old mother of newborn's mind. Is there an upgrade button on my head somewhere that I can push to accelerate my brain to function in this older body??
One thing nice about getting older is the 'give a damn' emotion is fading. That is why I can finally be okay with making decisions that could put me in a bad light. I don't like being seen in a negative way, so I run from decisions that put me there. The fading 'give a damn' is also helpful in being comfortable in my own skin. I have removed myself from one area where I feel constantly judged and that has been very freeing. Now the next step is freeing myself from my own judgement. I frequently want to be like I was in my twenties. Why?? Because...that's when I felt my best. Problem is...my body has different plans. I'm struggling to accept that. I am still searching for that magic pill to fix all my health problems. It's much more comfortable to live in a fantasy world than to face the reality that I have a lot of hard work ahead of me to feel normal again.
I guess the point of this post is basically to purge my thoughts. I have been unhappy with a lot of things for awhile. I've known the source of many of these problems but have been afraid to admit them and take action. Fear of reaction. Curse of being a people pleaser. I am frustrated with how much my body has deteriorated of the past few years and has limited me tremendously with how much and what I can do. It takes me a lot longer to do simple tasks and I have to rest a lot. I am just trying to find comfort in this aging skin. I am recognizing that stress plays a great deal in how well the body performs. I am being patient with this stage and taking measures to eliminate stressors. This will help the healing and rebuilding of my body and mind. I will get back to the Jill I know is in there. It won't be with a 20 year old body. But, it will be in a better body, one made with hard work. Along with a mind that has grown to work well with it.
I'm looking forward to writing this current volume of 'Life'. I'm looking forward to watching my kids enter adulthood and feel my relationship with each of them change and grow stronger. I am looking forward to being sought out for love and help as they find their paths in life. I'm looking forward to another decade with my soulmate and love of my life. And, finally I am looking forward to creating a better me.
No comments:
Post a Comment