The Anxiety of Change

Anxiety. This is a word that has been popping in my head lately. My emotions have been all over the place. I feel like my life will never calm down. Every corner I turn in my house, I see a mess that needs to be cleaned up. Figuratively speaking. It's not always because my house is messy, it's because I see a "project" that needs to get done. Although, my house is usually messy...at least to my standards anyway. What I mean is... I can't relax. I can't just veg out and enjoy myself without thinking about all of the things that I need to get done. And, I am driving myself nuts.
And, something else that makes this "anxiety" more of a problem, is my constant going up and down with my weight. This is pissing me off!! And, you know why it's pissing me off??? It's because, I know that I am going to have to start making some big time changes that I have been denying for a long time and I don't want to! I keep hoping that somehow miraculously the weight will continue to come off by sticking with the same plan the whole time. WRONG! My body has changed...so it's not reacting to what I'm used to giving it. And, that scares me.
I feel that I am usually pretty good with change. But, when it comes to food...I am stubborn. And, I don't want to give up what I know and love. So, this is where panic sets in. Can I do this???
Honestly, I know that I can. It's just going to be extremely hard. And, I don't want to fail.
I have a big problem with rebellion. I don't like to be told what to do. The second that I am told that I can't have or do something...that is the first thing I want to do. Aimee gave me a challenge today, no sugar or fast food for 2 days. And, right after she gave me that challenge...panic set in. "Oh crap! Now what? What am I going to eat? I haven't planned dinner! I'm supposed to be with my parents. How is this going to work?!?" This reaction is why I am wondering if this "anxiety" word is more than just a word. I'm starting to think that I may have a real problem here.
I fret about everything. I stress about stupid stuff. I over-complicate everything. I worry about worrying too much. There are so many little things that bug me or irritate me instantly. Honestly, I exhaust myself with the constant mind battles I have over everything. I need something to help me chill out! I keep telling myself over and over again that things will calm down. Well...things haven't and they won't.
First off, let me just tell you that, I hate medicine! The last thing that I want is more medicine! So, for me to even entertain this idea, is a big deal. But, I am not naïve to the fact that sometimes we just need a little help, even if it's temporary. And, I feel like my brain is having a really hard time making connections and focusing and calming down. So...maybe a little bit of medicinal help is what I need. And, I can't believe I'm saying that.
You know what really irritates me about all of this. I feel like I am just one big wussy and I need to get a grip and suck it up!! There are so many of my friends that have way more on their plate than I do and I feel like a loser because I am even complaining about my easy little life. But still...I feel like I'm spinning out of control and I just need help calming down.
I went to the doctor and had some very thorough blood work done. My doctor is checking out all kinds of stuff...hormones are the main focus. So, once I get those results, maybe that will explain my state of mind. Until then, I will do my best to get myself back on track and figure out what I need to do to get back to the pattern of just losing weight.
Aimee also gave me a great metaphor again that helped me understand how to address all the things that I feel I need to change. It goes along with the line of trying to eliminate my "all or nothing" thinking and to take small steps. The metaphor is about boiling a frog. I will apologize in advance to all the animal lovers. Here it is...'If you throw a frog into boiling water it will jump out. But, if you put the frog into a pot with nice pleasant water and slowly begin to increase the heat, it will not perceive the danger and end up getting cooked to death.' Morbid, I know. But, this is how I can relate it to my situation...if I try to change everything all at once, I will panic and jump out. But...if I start small and take small steps, I will be able to adapt easier which will make the changes less overwhelming and scary for me. Thanks Aimee for once again giving me the visual that I need.
I know this is just a speed bump and I will get over it.