Well...this week was my most destructive week so far. You'd think that my screw up weeks would get less damaging instead of more damaging with time. No such luck.
The most frustrating part about this back and forth dance of mine, is that I am completely aware of what I am doing. Yet, I still get mad at the scale for "not having my back". It's supposed to hide the fact that I ate enough crap in one week to gain 13 lbs...it's supposed to lie to me so I can keep the wool over my eyes and not face the fact that I just screwed up. I am supposed to be able to eat whatever I want and still lose weight...wouldn't that be nice. Ohhhh Jill...grow up!! Get back to reality.
So...that's the question. What is reality? What is the cause of this self destruction? Is it self sabotage?? Could be. I don't know what it's like to be thin. I don't know what it's like to not be self conscious about my size. Am I scared to enter into the unknown? I can't understand why I would be. I mean, there is so much I am missing out on because of my size...why wouldn't I want to change that? This is the pattern that I have struggled with time and time again. I am really successful and then I hit that wall. That stupid wall. What do I need to do or change to get over this unmoving wall? I climb it...I get to the top...I look down...I decide to fall back the other way again. Sometimes I just let go and take the plunge backwards...sometimes I get a grip and dangle for a while. No more climbing...I'm just gonna take a giant sledgehammer and pound the shit out of that wall! I'm tired of this!!
Ok...enough of that.
There has got to be a logical reason for my issues. Hormones?? Body Chemistry?? Quite possibly. The pattern I have...and I am sure most women can relate...is that once a month I go through this. Right before my cycle is the hardest for me. I am completely out of my mind...my whole mood and attitude changes. I go from driven, motivated and disciplined to tired, irritable and no desire to follow "my" rules. And, when I get in the mindset of "nobody tells me what to do" I tend to get a little out of control. Towards myself...it's never aimed at anybody else...just me. So, instead of eating one cookie...I eat 12. Instead of eating a salad...I order the most fattening and super sized fast food meal I can think of...with a side of ranch, just to spite. To top it all off and really "show myself who's boss" I don't exercise either. That'll show me!
Why do I do this?? I don't know. It's pretty darn stupid when I look back on it. But...during that moment of weakness...all rational, logical, intelligent thoughts are nowhere to be found.
So...here's my thought. I am 35 years old and my body has changed quite a bit over the last year. Most likely...there is some stuff going on in my body that is out of my control. I'll take that as a cue to go get myself a complete physical and see what's going on. So, I am going to get all my hormones checked, allergy panel and whatever else my doctor sees fit.
I am doing pretty well controlling myself otherwise. I am just ready to stop this back and forth dance and then break down that wall so I can get back on track with losing weight. No more yo-yoing! I am so tired of that!!
My mind is still in this!! I am NOT quitting!! I just need to take a look at the whole picture of what's going on and make the necessary adjustments to get back on track! :) :)
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