Simple Goals and Dreams of a Fat Girl, 3rd Edition

I felt it was time to update my list...seeing as it is almost the new year. It's time to make some resolutions and set some goals.
So here it is...The Simple Goals and Dreams of a Fat Girl...3rd Edition.
1. As a fat girl there are little things that I can't do like a skinny girl can. It may seem silly, but it is something that I have missed doing for a long time. And, that is...cross my legs like a lady. I have recently been able to pull up my foot to the top of the other knee (if you can picture that) and have it stay...which was very exciting! But, that's not enough...I want to cross them all the way.
2. I want to lose enough weight to be able to see my bones again. I have been fully padded, well insulated and soft and cuddly for many, many years. I forgot what my jaw-bone, collar bones, shoulder blades, ankle bones and knee caps look like. I realize I won't be as soft to lay on...but that's what pillows were made for!
3. I want to sit in a seat and not take up any space of the seat next to me. I look at these skinny butt people and notice that they have room to spare on their seat. And, I am just in awe and wonder what that would be like. I bet my kids would appreciate that too. :) "Mom! I don't have any room...scoot over!" would be a thing of the past.
4. I want to ride a bike and sit on the seat and not have it disappear (nice visual, huh?). Bikes are SO uncomfortable, but it looks like so much fun to ride!
5. In my last list, I said I wanted to run in races. Well...since then I have realized that I really don't like to run. And, maybe it's because I still have a lot of shakin' goin' on and it hurts a little. So, we'll see in time. Plus, marathon running looks SO boring to me anyway. However...I do want to compete in the messy obstacle courses like Dirty Dash. Now, that looks FUN!
6. I want to buy cute shoes! I want Doc Martens...big green boots and big clunky sandals. I want lots of cute sandals...all different styles. I want Vans and Converse and dorky shoes... lots of fun colors and designs.
7. I want to be able to watch my kids play sports or whatever activity and not be embarrassed to go out there and play with them. Besides that, I want to be able to keep up with them.
8. I want to run up the stairs.
9. I want to get rid of my C-Pap machine.
10. I want to be able to wrap a normal sized towel all the way around myself and have it overlap.
11. I want it to feel natural and normal to eat healthy.
12. I want ALL the fast food places to go out of business!
13. I want to experience life where food isn't constantly on my mind.
14. I want to buy clothes from a normal sized department.
15. Most importantly...I want to get rid of my Diabetes and get rid of all the medication that I take!
So, there it is...that's all for today. As I get smaller and as time goes by, I'm sure I will think of many more.
I do have to say that, even though I am oversized, and there are many things that I wish I could do, I still love myself regardless of my size.
I have made a lot of bad choices when it comes to eating. Some decisions were because of my age and thinking I was invincible...some were because of stress and using food as comfort...and some were just because it tasted good. Whatever the reason...it doesn't matter. What matters is, that I become aware of my choices and the consequences of them. Don't get angry because it may not be what I want. Look at the whole picture...how is this moment of food bliss going to affect me in the long run? Is it worth it?? That is a question that I ask myself frequently. And, I have to be honest...a lot of times I shut my "reasoning" voice up and eat it anyway. This is something that I'm working on. It's hard, but I know that I have to be strong and tell myself no sometimes. Not all the time...I do need some food bliss. I just need to keep it within reason.
It's all about moderation and balance. Yep, those words, that haunt me and taunt me. But...I promise, I will learn how to become one with them!! And...that, my friends...is my New Year's Resolution.  So, here's to another AWESOME year!!

Forgiveness and understanding.

Yep! This picture pretty much sums up my behavior for the past 2 weeks! I have been AWFUL this month!
And, you know what...I am ok with it. Yes, it really sucks to gain and have to lose it all over again. But, this is how I see it. I love food! Plain and simple. And, maybe in time, as I continue on this unfamiliar path of eating healthy and watching what I eat...food won't be as important to me. But, for right now... it is. I try really hard to convince myself otherwise, but I am just fooling myself.
As Aimee has told me, I have an "All or Nothing" way of thinking. Moderation is a foreign word to me. This is something that I have been made aware of...I understand...and I am working on it. I will have a week that I am on my best behavior. I will count all my points and exercise my butt off...that is my "all" state of mind. Usually those weeks burn me out, so that's when my "nothing" comes into play. And, my "nothing" weeks are NO joke. I don't quite understand it myself. All I know is...my devil side comes out in full force! The temptations are often too strong to say no to. It's almost like I am just antagonizing myself...daring myself too be bad. And, as I have said before...I am not strong emotionally, so I give in.
This is becoming a very big problem! I need to be able to stand up to myself and smack down that inner voice that taunts me and keeps delaying me from getting to my goals!
Moderation...moderation...moderation!
Balance...balance...balance!! (Yes...there it is again). Don't the experts say that we learn best from repetition. Well...I guess, I'm testing that theory.
This next year...watch out! I have SO many things in store for myself. I have experienced a lot of things this past year, both good and bad. I have learned how to succeed...I have learned how to fail...I have learned how to ask for help...I have learned how to do things on my own. I have done things this year that I thought would NEVER happen. Before I started on this journey, it got to the point where I began to give up on myself, and just accepted the fact that I was going to be fat all my life. But...then I looked at those sweet little faces of my precious little babies and I knew that I had to get off my butt and do something about it!
The most important thing that I have learned this year, is having patience with myself. This journey hasn't been easy. I have had to push myself in ways that I never have before. I will have bad days...I will have bad weeks. But...I have NOT given up!! And...I WON'T give up. My progress over the last 6 months is not at all like it was the first 6 months. I have been on a wild roller coaster ride for awhile now, and it has really affected my decision making. But...it hasn't killed my spirit or determination to see this journey to the end...no matter how long it takes!
I have been a huge supporter and follower and doer of Weight Watchers from the start. I have nothing against Weight Watchers. But...something inside me says that I need a change. I am ready to try something new that is very commonly used by many...but has never been done by me. I am going to start tracking what I eat based on calories. Aimee is 100% on board with this and she is going to help me by setting up a plan to follow. I think WW is starting to lose it's luster and that's one reason why my head hasn't totally been in it.
Another thing I learned about myself is that I need structure with options. I don't like feeling like I am stuck doing the same thing day after day. But...on the same note, I enjoy having routine. So, here is where balance comes into play...create a hum-drum routine, but have options of activities and food choices to insert in order to keep it fun and less monotonous. Also, one thing I struggle with is allowing myself pleasure activities...not any more. I have made a list of all the things I want to make time for and I have planned out my schedule accordingly...without sacrificing my exercise!
I have allowed myself to fall off the rocker the past two to three weeks, mainly because it was the holidays and I didn't want to behave myself. Not gonna lie! I had my fun...I ate my little heart out...I sat on my butt most of the time. Now it's time to get back to business! Have a little cry over the weight that I have gained back and now need to lose again...then GET OVER IT! This new year is going to be AWESOME!! :)

Positive thinking.

Getting out of my own head...de-cluttering negative thoughts...accepting the fact that I'm not perfect.
That's what I am working on right now.
I had a conversation with Aimee a while back about thoughts. I am going to try to convey our conversation as best as I can. We were talking about negative and positive thoughts and how I need to get rid of the negative thoughts that have been a constant script in my head. How she put it was like this...and I'm paraphrasing, so I hope I explain it correctly. I have to picture my mind like a forest and my thoughts clear out pathways or trails that help me get through the forest. I have cleared many trails with my negative thoughts. My same negative thought will go down the same trail over and over...so it becomes wider and easier to walk through. Because I am so negative, all of the positive thought trails are overgrown and need to be cleared out. So, for every positive thought I have, it will begin to clear a new trail. And, the more positively I think, the wider and more clear those trails will become. Eventually, those negative trails will become overgrown and it will be easier to keep myself in a positive state of mind.
I am a visual person and this analogy really helped me because I do get stuck in negative head space. So, this is how I see it...I want to create a mind that is full of positive trails. One that will lift me up and keeping me going. I work best with positive reinforcement. When I get "drill sergeant" criticism... it either pisses me off or makes me cry. Either way it is not effective in my growth and it changes my attitude towards the whole situation. For the worse. I close off and don't want to cooperate. Which is not good! So, I have to understand, that the same goes for how I encourage myself. Do I want to be compassionate or do I want to be a drill sergeant? I already know that I operate better with positive reinforcement. So...there's the answer...I need to quit being so negative to myself.
This is what I am struggling with right now. I have not been in a good mind set for quite some time. My weight has been up and down so much over the past few months and that is taking a toll on my attitude. I am noticing old habits sneaking back in...I am noticing that my desire to exercise and count my points is becoming less and less. I have to address this immediately before things get worse!!
Be compassionate...access the situation. What has happened that has put me in this negative head space?
When I think about that, I realize that I am forgetting to incorporate relaxation, goof off days and quality family and self time into my routine. I am so focused on my goals that I push myself to the point of breakdown, exhaustion and frustration. And that's when I start reverting back to old habits...and then I gain.
My goal for this new year is to find that balance. Yes...I say that all the time. It's all about balance. I will be compassionate with myself and make sure I allow in some pleasure time to balance out the constant grind of losing weight and getting healthy. That will help me to stay in a positive head space. And, once I get that under control, I won't have so many up's and down's. THINK POSITIVE!
I will get to my goal. And, the most important thing that I need to remember, is to stay positive and enjoy life while getting there! :)

Unrealistic goal setter.

The HoLiDaYs!!!
I love the holidays...but right now I'm ready for them to be over!!
My self-control is not so good right now...I'm trying...but, I'm not doing very well! My ambitious challenge of going NO sugar...FAIL! I did great for a week, but then I caved. I know it was silly for me to put that pressure on myself right now, but I also know that I am capable of doing anything I set my mind to. I love Christmas time and baking and eating treats. And, to take away that joy from myself, was too much. I understand that there are much more important things than food this time of year, but it's still one of those little pleasures that doesn't happen the rest of the year. So, I decided that...I will conquer that challenge after the holidays.
I have mixed feelings about my progress in this journey so far. I think it's because I set goals that are sometimes a little unrealistic. I am notorious for "biting off more than I can chew". I have an attitude of "piece of cake" most of the time. Which is actually a very positive outlook...it means that I am confident in myself and what I feel I am capable of. Problem is...I forget that life gets in the way. I forget that I am not always in a "go get 'em!" state of mind and I have set backs because of it. And, when I have set backs, I get really down on myself and have a hard time pulling myself back in.
These past few months have really screwed me up...emotionally and mentally, which have slowed down my progress physically. At least from my standpoint anyway and where I wanted to be by now. My first big goal that I set for myself was losing enough weight to be under 300 lbs by my birthday in July. I didn't reach that goal until mid November...4 months later than I had hoped. So frustrating!! And yes, I can give you all the reasons of why it took so long. But, all I see is, that I am not where I want to be. Another goal of mine was to have lost 100 lbs by my year anniversary...and that won't happen either. Also, frustrating!!
I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago...all excited to see what my A1C number is now. The A1C is a number that shows what the average of my blood sugar levels are for a 3 month period. When I was first diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes, my A1C was 8.1...it needs to be under 6.0. At the beginning of the year I was at 7.0 and now I am at 6.6. Again...I was setting my goals unrealistically and setting myself up for disappointment, but...I thought, for sure, I would be under 6.0 by now. So, when I heard 6.6...I was so bummed! I am still on just as much medication as I was before I started losing weight! Grrr!
I get mad at myself a lot because I set these unrealistic goals sometimes, which usually ends up with me being disappointed in myself for something that I should be proud of. But...if I don't set high standards than I am also doing myself a disservice...because I want to push myself and see what I can actually do. I just need to not get so down on myself if I miss a goal.
One thing that I really get irritated at is...if I want to see these high losses and great numbers and unrealistic goals met...then, I.. HAVE.. GOT.. TO GET.. MY DIET.. UNDER CONTROL!! Food is the key!!! I know this!! But, I can't seem to get out of my own head and comfort zone with food. I don't want to give up what I love...but I still want to lose weight!! How do I convince and control myself without actually realizing what I am doing?? Because, if I tell myself no...that makes me want it even more! First step is to QUIT buying crap that I have weaknesses for and putting them in my house! I mean...honestly...I know what I need to do. I am just having a hard time letting go. A lifetime of bad habits is hard to break.
When I look at the whole picture and what I have accomplished so far...I am really doing just fine. But, I am still just a little disappointed because I feel that I could have done so much more!
Next year, I already have some fantastic goals set up for myself. And, yes...they are unrealistic and overly ambitious. But...you know what...I have to stay true to myself and reach for the stars! How else will I find out what I can do? I am getting excited to start a new year and continue to watch this body and mind really transform. :) :)

Handling the unexpected.

I have everything planned out in my head...I know exactly what I want to do for the day/week/month...whatever. So, nothing better come up to screw it up because I will not know what to do with myself if it does!
For someone that used to be so spontaneous, I have now become a creature of routine. I don't like curve balls or for anything to come up that wasn't planned. In many ways I am very easygoing, go with the flow and I don't let too much get the best of me. But, since I have...uncomfortably...been focusing on me, I have changed in some ways. When something comes up to make that decision of "taking care of me" harder than it already is, I have a hard time reorganizing my routine.
I think the main reason for that is, I don't like to tell people "no". I am a pleaser. I want to be there for everyone, even if that means sacrificing my own plans. Don't get me wrong...I enjoy helping out... I enjoy the last minute "Wanna go to lunch?" calls... I enjoy being there for everyone. Problem is, if I have to put my exercise on hold...will I do it later? This dilemma actually causes a tailspin in my head...a battle that drives me nuts. As I said in my last post, exercising early is the way I need to start my day right. It sets my mood, and I make smarter choices.
As a mom, things come up...I understand that. But, it's still frustrating when it messes up my plans. Sydney stayed home sick Friday, so I had to cancel with my trainer. I told myself that I would do my circuit at home. Well...having a sick child means having a needy child, so now my original plan didn't pan out. On one hand, I am fine with it...on the other hand, I have failed. My compassionate and sympathetic brain tells me that it's ok, Sydney needed extra love and I want to be there for her. My perfectionist and selfish brain is beating myself up for missing out on "Activity Points" and frustrated that my "plan" got messed up.
Another wrench got thrown in on Saturday, but this one was by my own hand. Mike has been out of town, so I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could. I wanted to be able to sleep in and just have an entire "nothing's planned" day. So...again, no exercise. When I make these decisions, the thing that I struggle with mentally is the back and forth battle of "Is it ok that I just take it easy all day?" and "You really need to get your butt up and get those Activity Points!!"
I started reading this book about simplification. It says if I overload my schedule and don't allow for the simple pleasures in life, then I miss out on a lot of blessings. I miss those days of "taking it easy" and mentally being ok with that. I have put so much pressure on myself to perform, perform, perform that I am not enjoying the simple pleasures. I love exercising, but I also love the do nothing days. Now, the question is...can I do both and still be successful?
When I don't get my planned exercising in, I feel like I have failed. That sets a mood...which then triggers me to make bad choices. I eat more and not as healthy.
Again...a constant struggle of mine is...BALANCE! How do I balance everything that I want and need to do? As I have said before...life is a juggling act. I have all these balls in the air, but how do I maintain a good rhythm without dropping one? Answer is...obtain complete focus, relax my anxieties, find a comfortable stance to keep them moving, and be attentive to which ball needs to be grabbed next.
Self-awareness is so important. Where is my head at? Where is my body at? This journey is not about speed, it's about learning a new way of life. Of course I want to lose this weight really fast, but I also want to enjoy life. I am always going to push myself beyond my comfort zone, but I will also allow myself to stop and enjoy the simple pleasures if I feel too stressed. It's just finding that balance. And, also finding an inner peace that will calm the mind battles. I'll figure it out...I always do. :) :) Slow and steady, wins the race...

Keeping it real...

 

 

 

Attitude is everything!

If I wake up in a crappy mood, most likely I will have a crappy day. Unless...I do some attitude adjusting right away. One thing's for sure, I do not want my bad mood to affect everyone I come in contact with. So, I always try to stay positive and keep a smile on my face. The last thing I want is for someone to have a bad image of me in their head. When people think of me I want them to smile. :) :) :)

I love the quotes up above. They are so true! The first one goes along with anything in life. The other two, nail it on the head when it comes to exercising!

I am a P.R.O.C.R.A.S.T.I.N.A.T.O.R! It is awful!! I have all these grand ideas and only a fraction of them get half done and a select few get mostly done and maybe one gets completed. In the beginning of the year I selected a motto to live by..."Keep it Simple, Stupid!"...or, K.I.S.S. And, I can't say that I have followed it too well...but...I do repeat it to myself quite often.

I drive myself NUTS with pinning stuff on Pinterest!! Seriously...I already have enough on my plate without adding on all these awesome projects that I now want to do! So...I have given myself a self- talk. And, this is how it went...I said, "Self...Why do you torture yourself like this?? Why do you think you need to take enough 2x4's to build a house and Hodge Podge every picture to it? Why do you pin hundreds of recipes that will immediately overstimulate your brain to shut down and then not cook any of them?" Again..."Queen of Good Intentions...a Fool at Follow Through" So, this was my reply..."Ok...I will stop trying to turn myself into a basket case by overwhelming my brain with all of this!" Projects are great here and there, but I need to regain my focus and worry about things that matter!

This leads me to K.I.S.S...don't over-complicate...take one thing at a time. If my plans are laid out and organized, my brain feels free...free of clutter...free to relax. I am again working on making monthly plans. But...I'm taking one category at a time this time. I am notorious for trying to plan out everything all at once..."just to get it done". And, by doing that...yes, they're all done, but not really to my satisfaction. So...I don't use them.

So, the first monthly plan I have done is, my exercise plan...which is the easiest. I have really grown to love exercise! For the very reason of getting my "attitude adjustment". When I exercise right after I drop my kids off at school...those are the best days! I feel energized...I feel accomplished...and I feel proud of myself. That changes my whole attitude, so I make better choices for the rest of the day. Usually. I hate the days that I try to convince myself to not give it my all.  And then, fail to do what I know I needed to do. I usually end up in a pissed off, screw it kind of mood that day. That is why, it was important for me to sit down and plan out my exercise. I wrote down each day and listed all the options that I had for each day. I refuse to force myself to do something that isn't enjoyable. If I don't like what I'm doing, I won't want to do it. And, I change it up day to day and week to week....that also keeps my body changing and my mind entertained. December is tough because of all the added chaos of the holidays. But...I made it work and I will definitely get my exercise in 6 days a week.

My next monthly plan is FOOD! It's not done, but I have simplified my expectations of how I normally try to organize it. I am sensitive to the fact that life is busy...so...K.I.S.S. Once this plan is done...it will be so rewarding because I have been procrastinating this one for MONTHS!

I have also added on an extra special challenge for myself. I have decided to go NO SUGAR, at least until my year anniversary, but even after that...very little. Maybe just some chocolate every so often. Crazy, right?? Especially starting it now, when all the baking is going on! The reason why is...I was looking at my progress over these past few months, and I have only lost 20 lbs since July. That is NOT the progress that I wanted. So...I have amped up my exercise, taken away sugar and when I get this meal plan done...I'll be good to go!! I am excited for this challenge and to see how much determination I have! I can totally do this!! Here's to a December that the weight will come off! Unheard of! But...completely possible!