Be patient.

I always feel bad when I complain that I am stressed or I have so much to do. I always feel like a whiner that can't handle a simple curve ball.
Even though I may complain when things get too busy or chaotic, I never forget what a great life that I have. When I take a look at my life, the first thing that I think is "I am SO blessed!!" I am blessed because I have a fantastic family, fantastic friends, Mike has a great job that pays well and allows me to be a stay-at-home mom comfortably, we are all in good health (and, I hope I didn't just jinx anything!), and the list goes on and on!
So, the reason I don't like to complain is because I feel like, "Really...what do I have to complain about??" But, you know what...regardless of my situation in life or how blessed that I am, I still struggle with things. I still need help. I still get stressed. I still have things that bother me. I still have selfish moments where I just want more and more. And, that is just fine. I am human.
I tend to compare myself to other people a lot. And, I am sure most of you do the same. ;) What I have come to realize that by doing that is, I lose focus on myself, my family and what works for us. Just because so and so can manage 10 kids with a husband that is never home and still looks perfectly put together and never raises her voice at her kids...doesn't mean that I should be able to do the same. I manage things the way that I manage things...there is no right or wrong...it's just my way. Plain and simple.
We all have strengths and weaknesses.
My weakness is that I have no patience. I want things done a certain way. I want things done immediately when I ask. I want my kids to act respectful at all times. I don't want to have hiccups during my weight loss. And, I want to be able to accomplish too many tasks in not enough time.
Now...my strength is...that I have common sense. I realize that everything that I just said is completely absurd and unachievable. My strength is knowing that I don't have to have the patience of Job. I just need to be able to accept mistakes. Live and learn.
Although, this month was trying on my patience and very stressful. It was necessary for me to figure things out about myself. So, I am grateful for it. I have learned that I can fail, but then still pick myself up and keep on trying. I used to say "Screw it!" and give up. But, not this time! I gained 3 weeks in a row. It made me SO mad! But, the only one to blame was myself because I was the one that didn't follow plan. I understand that. I accept that. I forgave myself. I then turned it around and had a great weigh in this week. I lost 4.2 lbs!! I still have a couple more to lose to get back to where I was, but that won't take long.
I think the biggest lesson that I learned was, that...it isn't that I need to learn patience for others, it is that I need to learn patience with myself.
This journey is taking longer than I had anticipated, but as long as I am getting good results I am ok with that. This journey is more than just numbers on a scale or tape measure, it's about growing up and it's about self discovery. Although...I still want to see those numbers drop!! And quickly too!! So much for patience, huh... ;)

Stress and Disconnecting.

Food. I love food. I hate food. Food is constantly on my mind. Why does it hold so much power over me?? I just don't know.
This past week, in my mind, I totally blew it! I know that's not a compassionate way of thinking, but it is still how I feel. I have gained 3 weeks in a row...a total of 6.6 pounds that I am going to have to lose all over again! It's frustrating to say the least!
Sometimes the temptations of food are just too much for me to resist. I wish that I enjoyed the healthy foods as much as the unhealthy foods, but no such luck. Maybe some day.
I have had an unusually busy and stressful couple of months. And, the scale is proving that I don't always handle stress well. If I have a lot on my mind or a lot of things I need to do...the last things I want to worry about are cooking, planning, grocery shopping, or anything involving extra time away from my projects. I have gotten so use to eating out over the years that when my life gets chaotic, that's what I do. It's just easier. And, to make matters worse, when I'm stressed out, all I want to eat is junk.
Over the past several weeks, I have been gradually getting worse with my healthy choices. But, this week, I completely ignored all rules and points and tracking. And, the result was gaining 4 lbs. Granted, we moved this week, so it was much harder to do things normally, but still. One way of looking at it is, I have been so diligent since January. And, I have really done well at staying on track and moving in the right direction. So, this week was my free pass to indulge on some of those things that I have been missing. And, that's just what I did...I over-indulged!!
I ended up asking for extra help from my trainer/therapist to try to figure out why I have started this pattern again. One thing that I have learned about myself, is I don't do well with moderation. I am also afraid that, if I allow myself to be lenient, it will start a snowball effect of bad choices.
So, I sat down with Aimee so she could help me understand what I'm going through. The one thing she said that I do is, I use food to disconnect. If I am stressed out and want an escape, that's when food is the most comfort to me. It helps me disconnect. So, she wants me to dig deeper into my feelings and face them. What is bothering me?? What am I disconnecting from??
I like to always stay positive and convince myself that everything is just fine. If I allow myself to admit that something is hard or I don't know how to manage something, I feel weak. I am a very independent person when it comes to dealing with my problems...which is just what they are, my problems. So, food is where I go to "talk" about things. Mainly because I don't have to say much or explain myself. Food just comforts and helps me relax. But, I am learning the hard way, that food is doing just the opposite. The only thing that it has helped me do is, gain 200 lbs...and how comforting is that?!?
All in all, I have to allow myself to get serious...quit pulling the wool over my own eyes. Face my problems. Ask for help. I use humor all the time to cope with the stresses of life...which is great for the most part. But, sometimes, I just need to be serious in order to get a good look at what's deeper. As hard as that will be for me...that is what is necessary to learn and grow. I do feel that I have grown a lot already, but there is so much more that I need to learn!
So, I will take this week...accept it...own it...and forget about it. I will move on...push forward...be aware of my feelings...and get back on track!! This journey is FAR from over!! I have so much more that I am capable of! Bring it!!

Perfection

Let me just tell you how nice it is to have a trainer that is also a lifestyle and weight management coach. She not only wants me to be healthy physically...she wants me to be healthy mentally! And getting healthy mentally is a lot more challenging!!
Lately, I have needed a lot more help mentally and Aimee recognizes that. What a blessing it is to have someone like her to push me to my limits...to make me take a good hard look at my behaviors... and force me to admit things that I don't want to or feel stupid if I do.
I was talking to Mike the other night about things that have been bugging me lately. Although, this time, I was a little hesitant to talk to him about it. I have noticed over the past month or so that I have been struggling with making smart food choices and having the desire to exercise. And, the reason I was hesitant to say anything to Mike, was because, he has seen me time and time again, start a weight loss program and eventually give up. And, I didn't want him to think that, and then be disappointed because he'd think that I was giving up again. Because I am NOT giving up. I am just struggling a little more right now. And, bless his heart...I can ALWAYS count on him to make me feel better! He was completely understanding, and explained it to me in a way that really helped me be ok with what I'm going through. He said that, what I am experiencing right now is the same thing that marathon runners go through...they run for several miles with total focus and then they hit what they call "a wall". A point in time during their run, where it just gets so hard to keep going. A point in time, where they have to force themselves, mentally, to just keep running. So, this is the point in my run, that I have hit a wall.
So, now what?!?
Well...this is the perfect time to get a little coaching. Why have I hit a wall?? What is going on in my head that has changed?? As much as I like to feel like I have it ALL together and can manage everything on my own...I can't. I need help. I need a little guidance...I need someone to help me see what I can't see. And, thank heavens for Aimee, because she helps me do just that!
Perfectionist.
There it is. One word.
I...am...a...perfectionist. A perfectionist in what I expect from myself.
One of my triggers for eating...which was another thing Aimee helped me realize...is the feeling of disappointment. And, seeing as I expect myself to do everything perfectly every time...I experience a lot of disappointment. So, here is my cycle...I make a plan or routine...I don't get something done...I am disappointed in myself for not being "perfect"...I eat...
In July and August and now September, there were a lot of different things going on, that put wrenches in the routines that I have been doing for so long. At first it was ok, but after awhile I was getting more and more out of my routine. Which has made me feel out of control...which means that things are not perfectly how I want them to be. I am stressed out because I am not being "perfect" with my exercise and eating. I am "disappointed" in myself because I am having a hard time making myself a priority.
So, Aimee helped me understand that my inner voice is one that is a drill sergeant or a task manager. I am constantly yelling at myself, internally, for not being better or more diligent. I try to push myself with a negative voice, one that makes me just want to clinch my fists and refuse to appease. I didn't realize that I did that. Don't get me wrong...I completely understand that I need to push myself! But, as Aimee put it, I need to change my inner voice. I need to be more compassionate, more accepting, and more forgiving if I don't do something perfectly. If I learn to do that...I will be that much more successful.
What I have to do is, treat myself like I would my kids. When they come to me with a problem or tell me about a mistake that they made. I am compassionate, I try to figure out what to say to help them get through it or fix it. And, I do so with a kind voice. Usually... ;)

I just need to tell myself...in a compassionate and kind voice...that it's ok to make mistakes. Learn from them and move on. It's ok, to not do everything perfectly. Just keep on trying and be forgiving. I have set some big goals for myself and this little "wall" is not going to keep me from achieving them! I am going to take this rope of self discovery and pull myself right over that wall! I will prevail!!

Never a dull moment...

Life.
No matter how many times I say, "Oh, after this week or after this month things will calm down." It NEVER happens!!
That's life...
Never a dull moment!! Once you get through one stressful event, another one comes along!
Time to just accept it and not let it throw me off course. Be flexible! Be creative! Be consistent!
For the past month, I have been saying, "Once the kids go back to school, things will get better. I will be able to get back into my routine." Well...guess what?!? It hasn't! Things have gotten even more nuts! September has turned out to be a crazy busy month! First of all, we are moving...so I have to pack my house. And to add to that, I am throwing a bridal shower, having a birthday party for Sydney, have to get my new house unpacked and beautified in two weeks for the wedding rehearsal dinner, have all of Mike's family in town for the wedding and finally be the BEST darn matron of honor for my sister in law (more like my real sister, though)! Whew!! Oh, and a lot of church responsibilities in the midst of all that too. But, don't get me wrong...I LOVE every single one of these things! It's just keeping me very busy!!
And, when I get "outside" disturbances that interfere with MY schedule, I tend to make excuses as to why I should put my schedule on hold till things "calm down". I have come to realize that...I just can't do that! I have to "Be flexible! Be creative! Be consistent!" otherwise I will never get to my goal. I may have to get up earlier or find other ways of getting the activity in...just don't put it off! Because once you put it off...and talk yourself into being ok with it...it's that much easier to keep doing that. Push...Push...Push!! Keep the momentum going!! Embrace challenges! It will only make me that much stronger! Sure...it will be stressful, but you know what...that's life!!
Since, I have been a little more relaxed with my normal exercise routine, I have noticed myself eating more and craving more unhealthy foods. Another BIG reason as to why I need to not let anything interfere with my exercise. Exercising regularly, for me, really helps me to make smarter food choices. And, one thing that I have learned, is that I can exercise all day every day, but if I eat like crap, my results will be slow going. And...I don't want that! Food has been the hardest adjustment for me. I have all these plans and ideas in my head as to how I want to eat. I know that planning and preparing my meals/snacks ahead of time is key to my success. It's just motivating and forcing my butt to do it that's the challenge. So...that is really what I need to focus on! I need to allow myself the time needed to plan out my meals and snacks...allow myself the time needed to prepare things ahead of time. If the healthy food is ready to go...I won't grab the unhealthy convenience food. Be diligent! Be patient! Be prepared!
"Weight Loss Journey"...that's exactly what it is...a journey. I am constantly learning new things and having to rethink something that I'm doing. I wish I knew all the answers and exactly what I need to do, but I don't. I am taking this day by day and staying open minded to change. This is a life altering experience for sure. I am having a hard time wrapping my brain around that fact that I have lost almost 70 pounds and I have made some huge changes in just 8 months. What an awesome feeling that is!! These little hiccups that I have been having, are just fine...because they force me to look within and really try to figure out what makes me tick. It's a great way to learn and grow as a person. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. But, I do want to be the best person I can be. And to do that, I have to be willing to admit my shortcomings and change. There's nothing wrong with making some changes...it doesn't mean that I've failed...it just means that there is always room for improvement. :)
Although...it's pretty hard to improve on my awesomeness!!  LOL! Just kidding! :) :)