A new approach. Small Victories. 18 month before and after pictures.

In a world where we are constantly comparing ourselves to everyone else, it is so easy to lose sight of who we really are. And, I frequently catch myself trying to be or do something just like someone else.
I am not wonder woman, nor do I care to be. I have no desire to juggle multiple tasks, appointments, engagements just to prove that I can. When I do make the mistake of doing that, it sets me up for a meltdown somewhere down the road. Maybe not right away...but eventually. Plus the fact, it turns me into a person that I don't recognize or like very much. I love my personality. I always have. It is something that I know will never fade. I have realized lately that I have to be careful how much I take on because when I'm stressed, it changes my personality. I become sad, withdrawn, irritable and just not as fun to be around. And, I don't like those qualities at all! They are not who I am.
During this weight loss journey, I have veered off the path of where I thought I was going. I am in a tough situation right now because I am torn with "Do I choose a lifestyle that is comfortable and one that I can maintain?" or "Do I choose a temporary 'Kick Butt' lifestyle that will get me to my goal sooner, but stresses me out and frequently pisses me off?" I can tell you the one I'd rather choose. But...is that the wussy choice? Should I just grin and bear it and get it done? The more I think about it, the more I lean towards the choice of a lifestyle that may not be the "push myself" lifestyle, but it's the one that I know will not change my personality because of me being miserable.
In the beginning, the aggressive manner that I took this on worked for me. But, after awhile I grew tired of it and burnt out. I tried to convince myself that I loved it, and sometimes I really did. What was the most exciting thing about this aggressive approach were the results I was getting, and quickly. But, the issue that I was having was, that my body can't project these awesome results every week. But, that's what I wanted. So, when I was seeing the weeks/months with the lower numbers, it left me feeling very discouraged. And, that led to a mind frame of "screw it". Which compounded the inconsistent results and in turn resulted in more "screw it" episodes...it then became a vicious cycle.
This is why, I have been thinking long and hard, about how I want to proceed. What method(s) will work best for me and my fragile state of mind. And, I think a more casual approach is what I need. At least for right now. I have a lot of BAD habits to overcome and work on. As much as I appreciate the advice and suggestions of how and what and when I need to eat and exercise, it overwhelms me. The "extra" rules, boggle my brain. Then I get frustrated and revert back to my old ways. Right now, I'm just tired. My body is tired. My brain is tired. I'm just worn out. I am going to proceed with cooking the way that I am used to. I am going to use the foods that I know. I will make the additions that I need to see the results in a pace that is realistic. I was trying to turn myself into a person that was so unnatural to me. I admire and commend those of you that can maintain these extreme diets. But, it is not for me. I enjoy food. I am blessed to have no allergies to food. So, I don't feel that it's necessary to stress myself out with a complicated diet. However, I am Diabetic, so I do need to control my sugar. That I can handle. In time, as I get thinner and can get my bad habits under control, I am sure I will be ready to step it up. But, for right now...small steps.
I am going to have the same approach with exercise. I enjoy walking and swimming. Easy breezy ways of staying active. The only worry I have about not having a tougher exercise schedule is the amount of skin I will have after I lose all of my weight. Other than that, I could care less if I run a marathon or can bench press 100 lbs. or can do 50 burpees. I have never been one of those people that enjoys the active lifestyle. Although, I do love to watch people that enjoy the active lifestyle. ;) Don't get me wrong, I love a good 'ol fun game of softball or something like that, but I am far from being a "gym rat".
Over the past year I have had so many "small victories". And, those have been a big contributor in my desire to keep this journey going and not giving up like I usually do.
Here are a few of the more recent ones.
1. I fit into an airplane seat without having to use the extension piece to buckle in!! This one was probably the most rewarding for me. It is so embarrassing to be that "FAT" lady that everyone stares at and rolls their eyes at in disgust. And, the fact that I needed to ask for an extension just poured extra salt in the wound. So, when I got on an airplane in March to fly to Texas, I was excited to try to buckle in without that stupid extension. Mike and the boys were sitting in the row across from me and were waiting with excitement to see if I could do it. I had to wiggle and adjust a little...but when I put those two pieces together and heard "snap"...all of our smiles got so big!! I actually felt like a normal sized person for a change. That was a GREAT moment!!

2. On that same plane ride, I had another victory. Guaranteed, whenever I have to walk down a narrow aisle or try to go through one of the turnstiles, I have to shove my big butt through sideways. But, when I walked onto that airplane...carrying lots of bags, even...I was able to walk down that narrow aisle facing forward!! This impacted me several ways. I, not only was able to walk down to my seat like a normal person, but I also didn't worry about knocking someone over with the big back pack that I always have. And...I didn't get those "disgusted" looks that I love so much.

3. I was able to ride in a Go-Kart for the first time in years!! I finally got to race my boys and be a part of the fun instead of just watching from the sidelines. And, an added bonus was that I got to experience this with Sydney on her first time. She was finally tall enough to ride and I was able to be a part of that.

                                                             I even got first place!!

 

4. I completed an "official" 5K race. It was untimed and a walking 5K, but the fact that I even signed up for it was pretty unbelievable. I have walked an unofficial 5K before this one that was coordinated to help jumpstart my journey. It was then repeated as a tradition the following year. But, these were just in fun with some great friends to keep me company. The 5K that I completed this year was for the Ronald McDonald House and I always enjoy giving to great charities.

This was my number. And, I can't lie, the first thought that went through my head was..."WHY do I have to have the number of an airplane??" As if I didn't feel self conscious about my size already...let's just put a big label on me as a big "747" airplane. LOL! But, I turned those negative thoughts around and looked at it as if I was going to "fly" through the race like a big jet.... I didn't. But, it was a nice thought anyway. :)

To make it even better, I had a great friend cheering me on the whole time. Heidi ran the 5K while I was walking it, but once she was done, she walked back to find me and then walked with me to the end. I was pretty pooped by that point, so it was a nice surprise and just the face I needed to see to keep me going. She has been one of my biggest cheerleaders since the very beginning!

I have signed up for another race with Heidi for this September called the Dirty Dash! I am actually pretty excited about this one...kinda worried too. I've put some weight back on and my stamina isn't as good as it has been. But, I have 3 months to work on that.

5. I went to California Adventure with the family in May and I was able to fit on 2 more amusement park rides that I have been wanting to go on for a long time!! I have learned though, that I can't handle rides like I used to when I was younger and that is disappointing.

This is the Symphony Swing. I LOVE to swing and this one always looked like so much fun, but I never wanted to risk the humiliation of not fitting in the seats. But, this time I wanted to try. I couldn't fit in the single rider seat, but I could fit in the double seat. Not ideal...still kinda embarrassing...but I fit!! And...I was about to throw up! This is where I learned I'm too old for this stuff. :(

This was the roller coaster. Now...this was fun!!!! I got buckled in NO problem!! So exciting!

So, these "small victories" which in all seriousness are very big victories, are just a few that I've experienced. I have also dropped clothing sizes and been able to do certain things that I couldn't do before. There's lots of little things that I notice, but I forget to write them down.

As of now, I have lost roughly 55 lbs since I began in January 2012. At one point I was down 85 lbs, which was awesome! But, I have had a rough 2013 so far. It started off ok, but in February I started taking some vitamins that I didn't realize were messing with my head until 3 months later. I stopped taking them and have felt like I'm in my right mind again, finally. I just couldn't fathom that vitamins would have such an impact on my mental state, but they did. And, unfortunately, it took me 3 months to figure that out. Now, I'm just struggling to get back on track and fix everything that got screwed up during that time.
So here are some before and after pictures. I'm about 30lbs heavier now than I was in February, but I still look better than I did when I started.
Here are the posts of results from my 6 month and 12 month mark. Right now, I'm at the 18 month mark.
http://jillrowland.blogspot.com/2013/01/a-year-in-reviewwith-before-and-after.html

http://jillrowland.blogspot.com/2012/07/6-month-results-with-pictures.html

I was reluctant to take these pictures because I knew I had put on weight since my last "results" post, but I'm glad I did. It is proof of how far I've come in 18 months. Granted I have had more setbacks than I would have liked, but I'm still in the game and ready for the next round. I am optimistic that my new relaxed approach will be the one that I need to help get my head back in the game. The kids are out of school for the summer, so my goal is to enjoy my time with them and include them in this journey. As a family we are going to focus on eating healthier and having fun. NO stress. I'm not going to stress all of us out with overloaded schedules. I will get to my goal...that's a promise.