Attitude is everything.

What went up, MUST come down. Plain and simple. It's right there in the title of this blog. I know this. I'm not stupid. I know that how I'm eating and what I'm doing to my body is affecting my health. But, right now, I have never felt so helpless. For a long time, things were going so well....I was in the zone...untouchable...complete tunnel vision and focused on the goal. Then POW! mental and emotional breakdown. It is extremely frustrating because I feel so out of control right now. I have been trying to wrap my brain around it. I am a strong woman and I ordinarily can push through anything. But, this just feels so much stronger than I am.
Years ago, when I lost weight, and then fell back into my old habits, it was almost a relief. I was relieved that I didn't have to worry anymore. I could eat and do what I wanted again. No more stressing about points or exercising. Yes...I knew I needed to lose weight, but there was nothing, other than body image, that was the concern...in my mind.
Now that I have lost enough weight to see the positive effects of what being thinner brings, it bothers me that I am falling back into old habits. Because I know what it feels like to be healthier and more energetic, and I loved those feelings! That is why I am so pissed at myself for being in the spot that I am right now. But still...I am not naïve to the fact that there is something bigger going on with me. It's not just about stubbornness or lack of will power. This is something that will take much more work from me mentally to overcome. But, I am ready for that challenge.
I have discovered what my problem is, and in my opinion, it is something that I can fix without pumping myself full of 'prescriptions' to help me. I feel the more drugs in my body, the more symptoms that I'm going to have to overcome. I don't need or want any other side effects to screw me up more than I already am. Now, I know that I have hormonal imbalances...but who doesn't?? I also know, that if I make the obvious changes...the ones that I have experienced the positive results from by orchestrating them in the past...I will get myself back in line. However...I need to do this in a manner that is realistic, livable and attainable. That's the tricky part.
But first...I have to work on my attitude and stop being such a child at the fact that I have to do something that I really don't want to. I need to prioritize and make the changes necessary that will make the most impact.

When I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes when I was 30 years old, I was in denial, because I didn't feel any of the symptoms or side effects of it. I was told that I had it, and then I wrote it off like it was no big deal. I rarely checked my sugar levels. I felt like, 'what's the point?'. Because, even if the number was high, I wasn't going to change anything. And, I have lived with that attitude this whole time. Well...about a week ago or so, after I ate dinner, I felt awful!! I could feel my blood sugar skyrocket and then my chest felt jittery...if that makes any sense. So, I took my blood sugar, and it was 315!! And that was 2 hours after I ate. NOT GOOD! That scared me. But, it doesn't stop there...I am now noticing all kinds of little issues like, my eyes being out of focus, little prickly feelings in the arch of my foot when I step on it a certain way, dizziness and brain fog (worse than normal). These symptoms are helping me realize the fact that Diabetes is no joke. I do have it. And now, I have to be smart and not act like a little girl that believes it will go away on its own. This is where I need to change my attitude. Diabetes is serious. And, I need to treat it as such.

I am going to be 36 years old next month. I am TOO young to start dealing with the awful things that can happen to Diabetics!! I have GOT to get myself under control! But, my mind is my problem. It's not an easy... give this up, give that up kind of thing for me. There is nothing easy about feeding my body with only the foods that it needs. I think about food every second of the day. I crave food. I get giddy when I think about food. It is seriously a drug for me. And, that is why I feel that this problem is not just about will power or being stubborn. It has become an addiction. And, not many people understand this unless they have been addicted to something. I used to smoke a long time ago. And, I remember what it was like to have something take control over all rational thoughts because of the feeling of peace it gave me for that few minutes. I also remember wanting to quit and how hard it was to give up those moments...give up those habits that I created. But...I did. I quit because I didn't like what it was doing to my body. I was able to be strong enough to tell myself, "NO!" And...I know that I can do it again. But, this time with food. It's not going to be easy because I can't just quit cold turkey like I did with smoking. I have to eat...and I want to do so without eliminating anything. I just need to find alternatives to different foods, so I can still get the pleasures without the negative effects on my body.

For the past several months, I have really been trying the find something to put the blame on for what's going on with me. I wanted that quick fix that will make this easier for me. Just give me a pill to make my brain stop thinking about food all the time. Well...there is no such pill. And, I honestly don't feel there is something malfunctioning in my body anyway. I think I am doing pretty good actually. But what my gut and instincts do tell me is, that this is all mental. And, what I am going to have to do is find that inner strength somewhere that can shut up those voices that tempt me so much. I have developed a very unhealthy relationship with food. And, that's what I need to work on...cutting those ties. Learn to live without being so dependent on food. Eat to live not live to eat.