Growing up.

Isn't that the truth!!
I knew that deciding to lose 200 lbs wouldn't be an easy task. I knew that there would be a lot of work that needed to be done mentally and emotionally in addition to losing the actual weight. But, I never realized how much I would learn about myself. I never realized how much growing up I needed to do.
I feel that I am too concerned about trying to please others and then sometimes doing things that aren't necessarily first on my list because it was just easier. I don't like confrontation. I don't like anyone thinking bad of me. I don't want to upset anyone. In addition to that, I also have a bad habit of always wanting to be "the favorite". It doesn't matter by whom or for what reason...I want to be #1 on everybody's list. Why??  Maybe it's because I am the only child and I grew up always being #1. Or, maybe it's because I'm insecure and I need that title to feel good about myself. I don't know. But, as I get older, I am realizing that it's pretty stressful trying to live up to that expectation. And really...who cares if I'm the favorite??
The reason why I bring this up is...by me having that desire to be the favorite, it has lead me to see that some of the things that I do are motivated by that desire. I have lost...or never had...a complete connection with myself, who I am and what I want. I rely A LOT on the input of others to help me make decisions. Plus, I am very open minded and easy going which tends to leave me very vulnerable to being easily persuaded. So, that's something that I have to work on...having a better understanding of my own opinions and wants.
The past 6 months with me being on this emotional roller coaster, it has forced me to really pay attention to ME. The emotional me. What's my problem? Am I happy with how things are? And, by "things" I mean weight loss journey stuff. I have no problems with anything else. What I struggle with is how I want to proceed with the weight loss. I desperately want to lose this weight, but having such a rigorous exercise schedule isn't something that I like. I enjoy the days off to do whatever. But, is that ok? And, this is where I rely on others input to tell me if that is ok. But, what I need to do is make a decision and say "this is what I want." And, not worry about what someone else thinks. Same with food. I have NO desire to be a "health-nut". I have NO desire to eliminate anything from my diet unless it is medically necessary. If I want fast food, I'll eat it. If I want dessert, I'll eat it. I am a smart person. I know that by me making these choices it will have certain consequences. But, the most important thing is, they are my choices. I constantly have that lingering worry of disappointing someone. But, honestly, everyone in my life is so supportive and understanding that there is no need for me to worry about that. They'll still love me even if I'm making dumb choices. Live and learn right?
And, this is what I mean by growing up and learning to be ok with my own wants. I was much less stressed out when I had a more relaxed attitude about food and exercise. I have put so much pressure on myself to be this exercise maniac and then also having a "can't eat that" recording in my head, that I am driving myself crazy. RELAX.
Now...I know that I can't completely relax and throw all rules to the wind. Otherwise I will gain the weight back. There is a fine line that needs to be walked. I can't have my cake and eat it too. You like the food metaphor/analogy (whatever)?? LOL I feel it's appropriate. :D
I am not going to stress so much if I want to take a day off from exercising. It's my choice.
I am not going to stress so much about eating like a health-nut. I will make smart choices...I will watch my portions...and I will limit my crappy food intake. It's my choice.
I will also think before I overload my schedule. I have learned that it doesn't take much for me to waver from my smart choices due to stressing myself out with a busy schedule. Plus the fact I get really grouchy when I am go, go, go all the time. I enjoy getting out and doing stuff, but I also enjoy having no where to be.
And, I can't depend so much on what everyone else thinks and/or does. If I do, I lose touch with what it is that I want.
I have been in a much calmer state of mind lately. Just allowing myself to approach this weight loss journey in a less aggressive way and not overloading my schedule has alleviated a lot of stress.
I am very optimistic about my progress from here on out. I know that I will get this weight off. It may not be in the same amazing amount of time as some of those weight loss success stories that we read about, and that is just fine. Because, I am creating my own weight loss success story. And, it will be much better and a heck of a lot more realistic. It's hard. And there are a lot of challenges, setbacks and obstacles. And, there's nothin' quick about it, especially when you have as much weight to lose as I do. I just take it day by day and change what isn't working. It's a lifestyle that I'm creating. It's not a temporary diet to get the weight off, only to have learned nothing about maintaining the results in a way that I can live with forever.