Accountability.

Who here is or has ever been a closet eater?? You know what I mean...you buy a candy bar and eat it super fast or behind closed doors, so nobody sees you and then wants you to share. ME!!!
Let me just get this straight...I don't share my food. Or, at least, I really don't like sharing my food! My kids have learned this...and yes, I know it's a terrible example to set for them. But, there are certain things that a mommy should be able to have all to herself...so...deal with it!!
The problem with closet eating is, for some reason, I fooled myself into thinking that, if no one sees me eat it, then it doesn't count. And, the last thing I wanted anybody to see...is me pigging out on lots of food. I didn't want the "looks" or the "words of concern". I wanted to eat...eat...and eat and not have to answer to anyone! I would make excuses to go shopping, just so I could stop somewhere and get something totally awful and unhealthy. I would even daydream about what I would get...where I would go...and when I could go? And, while I was eating it...pure bliss. All my troubles, worries, stresses were on hold...just for a little bit. Food is my heroin...food is my Jack Daniels...food is my whatever it is, that makes addicts escape and feel better.
I am happy to say, that even though food is still my vice, I am NO where near where I used to be with it. I don't daydream near as much. I do still have food on my mind a lot, but now I daydream more about healthy options. Don't get me wrong...I still have my moments of weakness that I just need that dose of "pure bliss". And, I will give in to those urges every once and awhile. I find that, emotionally, it's better for me to do that. Otherwise I will drive myself and those around me crazy with my mood swings. I just have to keep these moments to a minimum...or I won't make much progress.
It's all about teaching myself moderation and balance. I have to learn that it's not always "all or nothing". I won't be perfect, and that's ok. But...when I'm not perfect...don't give up and say "Screw it, I can't get this right, so why even try?" Patience. Understanding. Compassion. Forgiveness.
I am really enjoying how I have changed things up for myself this year. I like the calorie counting method a lot! It's SO much easier and quicker when I go grocery shopping. I don't have to calculate every single thing to determine points...all I do is look at one number and then I'm done. It doesn't take me 10 minutes to determine which loaf of bread is better. And, I am seeing Aimee 3x a week now instead of 1x. So, that eliminates the stress of trying to figure out what exercise to do on those other days.
Although, I am back into the swing of things. This new method of tracking is way different. With WW, I was on a weekly plan...and, with calorie counting, I am on a daily plan. This is where accountability really comes into play. I have to be accountable for everything that goes in my mouth. I had "extra" points in WW to use. I don't have that now. Aimee wants me to give her my daily trackers...which is exactly what I need! When I have someone to answer to (other than myself)... I am much more likely to behave myself.
It's a big challenge learning balance and moderation because I have to figure out where that line is that determines what is ok and what is too much. It's all a work in progress...trial and error. But...I am trying. I want to teach myself a new lifestyle and I want to be able to conquer a lot of the mental hang-ups that I have. I feel that I am making great progress in the whole picture of things. And, this process is a full body work out, not just a quick nip and tuck fix. Although...I am sure there will be some nip and tucking when all is said and done because I am already starting to see some sagging skin...which is actually a really good thing! But...I will worry about that much later.
For now...I am focusing on losing the weight and then gaining the knowledge I need to make it last! :)