Challenges of Motherhood

I love being a mom!! I love the sweet looks, big hugs, runny noses, contagious giggles, silly questions, ticklish feet, snuggles when their sick, dancing crazy in the car, watching them score a goal, hearing about the most important part of their day and the list goes on and on...
I have been so blessed to have married a man that is such a hard worker and is so good at what he does, that I have been able to stay at home and raise our 3 awesome kids! What a true blessing that is!! I have been able to be there for all the firsts, school events, sporting events, sick days, sick nights...everything. Some experiences are less pleasurable than others, but I was there. And, I am so grateful for that!
Although, I have been there for each one of my kids 24/7 since the beginning...it still doesn't make me an expert on what to do if something is wrong. Kids change...we change. Just when I think I have them figured out, I get thrown a curve ball. I usually have a pretty good idea on how to approach a situation, but sometimes, it just doesn't work. And, sometimes, I have to swallow my pride and handle that situation in a manner that wouldn't have been my first choice.
I have been struggling a lot with Sydney for the past couple of months.
I'll start off by saying that I have a few rules when it comes to bedtime, sleeping in my bed, staying home from school sick, and clinginess. From the moment that my kids came home from the hospital, they stayed in their own room with all lights out and door shut when they went to bed. They do not sleep in my bed unless they are sick or had a nightmare. They only stay home from school if the sickness is extreme or contagious. Otherwise, I believe they need to push through and tough it out. As adults, that is what they will have to do. I really don't like clinginess! I want my kids to be able to transition to uncomfortable, new or difficult situations with confidence and ease. I do love and understand the need of mommy support and love and encouragement, but...they also need to be independent as well.
Now...here is my struggle with Sydney. In December, she got a cold which caused her to lose sleep because she couldn't breathe well. Then winter break came and we were so busy that she didn't have much rest time then either. And, then she got sick again and also got a canker sore which aggravated her (and me) tremendously. So, her lack of sleep and exhaustion was compounding which is now bringing on other issues. All of which I don't have much patience for...and that really does not help the situation! She is emotional...clingy...hyper...having a hard time focusing...repetitive...and will not listen. Bedtime and separation have become a nightmare and extremely frustrating for me! This is where I am being forced to rethink my "rules". I am stubborn and I don't like giving in. But...I also
understand that what Sydney is going through may need me to be flexible.
Bedtime...when this first started, I stuck to my guns and forced her to stay in her bed/room without me. Which created a lot of crying from her and yelling from me. I didn't want to create a future problem if I gave in. After much thought and prayer, I realized that I was causing more stress on her and not helping the situation. So, now I am either laying with her or staying in her room until she falls asleep. She is in a room by herself, she doesn't feel good because she's tired and I realize she just needs the comfort of mommy right now.
She still is not allowed in my bed to sleep. And, I still make her go to school even though every morning she complains that she's tired and doesn't feel good.
Clinginess. This one...is... out of control!! I am beyond frustrated with this part! I don't know what to do. Unless, someone helps me and pries her off of me she will not go. At the moment, I am sympathizing with the fact that she's not sleeping well and is tired, so it's just a reaction to that. So, I'm not addressing the issue too much, I am giving in more than I would like. I am waiting to go back to the Ear, Nose and Throat Specialist to determine if she can get her adenoids and tonsils out. They were swollen last time we went and I think if she can get those removed, she will start sleeping again. I have tried lots of different methods to help her sleep...Melatonin, Dreamlight, soothing sounds, lavender...and the only thing that comforts her is me.
I know that once she gets back on track with her breathing and sleeping, everything else will fall into place. I just hope that removing her tonsils and adenoids is what she needs. If not...I have NO idea what to do. Another option that was thrown at me was taking her to a Psychiatrist or Neurologist, but I feel that there is a different answer.
Right now, it's a waiting game. I feel so bad for her. Am I doing enough? Am I approaching these issues in a way that is helping her? I...just...don't...know.
But, what I do know is...that even though all of this is very stressful for me, I am not sitting down and stuffing my face! That was one thing that I just realized. Ordinarily, I would eat and eat after being in her room for over an hour frustrated because she wouldn't go to sleep. But, this time I haven't! Yay for me!! Small victories. Now if I could just get some relief for my little girl. :/

Accountability.

Who here is or has ever been a closet eater?? You know what I mean...you buy a candy bar and eat it super fast or behind closed doors, so nobody sees you and then wants you to share. ME!!!
Let me just get this straight...I don't share my food. Or, at least, I really don't like sharing my food! My kids have learned this...and yes, I know it's a terrible example to set for them. But, there are certain things that a mommy should be able to have all to herself...so...deal with it!!
The problem with closet eating is, for some reason, I fooled myself into thinking that, if no one sees me eat it, then it doesn't count. And, the last thing I wanted anybody to see...is me pigging out on lots of food. I didn't want the "looks" or the "words of concern". I wanted to eat...eat...and eat and not have to answer to anyone! I would make excuses to go shopping, just so I could stop somewhere and get something totally awful and unhealthy. I would even daydream about what I would get...where I would go...and when I could go? And, while I was eating it...pure bliss. All my troubles, worries, stresses were on hold...just for a little bit. Food is my heroin...food is my Jack Daniels...food is my whatever it is, that makes addicts escape and feel better.
I am happy to say, that even though food is still my vice, I am NO where near where I used to be with it. I don't daydream near as much. I do still have food on my mind a lot, but now I daydream more about healthy options. Don't get me wrong...I still have my moments of weakness that I just need that dose of "pure bliss". And, I will give in to those urges every once and awhile. I find that, emotionally, it's better for me to do that. Otherwise I will drive myself and those around me crazy with my mood swings. I just have to keep these moments to a minimum...or I won't make much progress.
It's all about teaching myself moderation and balance. I have to learn that it's not always "all or nothing". I won't be perfect, and that's ok. But...when I'm not perfect...don't give up and say "Screw it, I can't get this right, so why even try?" Patience. Understanding. Compassion. Forgiveness.
I am really enjoying how I have changed things up for myself this year. I like the calorie counting method a lot! It's SO much easier and quicker when I go grocery shopping. I don't have to calculate every single thing to determine points...all I do is look at one number and then I'm done. It doesn't take me 10 minutes to determine which loaf of bread is better. And, I am seeing Aimee 3x a week now instead of 1x. So, that eliminates the stress of trying to figure out what exercise to do on those other days.
Although, I am back into the swing of things. This new method of tracking is way different. With WW, I was on a weekly plan...and, with calorie counting, I am on a daily plan. This is where accountability really comes into play. I have to be accountable for everything that goes in my mouth. I had "extra" points in WW to use. I don't have that now. Aimee wants me to give her my daily trackers...which is exactly what I need! When I have someone to answer to (other than myself)... I am much more likely to behave myself.
It's a big challenge learning balance and moderation because I have to figure out where that line is that determines what is ok and what is too much. It's all a work in progress...trial and error. But...I am trying. I want to teach myself a new lifestyle and I want to be able to conquer a lot of the mental hang-ups that I have. I feel that I am making great progress in the whole picture of things. And, this process is a full body work out, not just a quick nip and tuck fix. Although...I am sure there will be some nip and tucking when all is said and done because I am already starting to see some sagging skin...which is actually a really good thing! But...I will worry about that much later.
For now...I am focusing on losing the weight and then gaining the knowledge I need to make it last! :)  

A Year in Review...with before and after pictures.

It's hard to believe that one year ago today, I joined WW for the hundredth time just praying that this time I would stick with it.
So...it is time to reflect on this past year and break down my progress and talk about my lessons learned, small victories and upcoming changes.
The first 6 months were the most rewarding for me physically. Those were the months that I lost the most weight and inches. Here is the post I made with my 6 month results. http://www.jillrowland.blogspot.com/2012/07/6-month-results-with-pictures.html
The last 6 months were the months that I struggled the most, for a variety of reasons. I had a lot of stressful events and changes to my routine to adjust to.
1. It was summertime and the kids were out of school.
2. 3 members of my family moved to new houses, so I helped them all in different ways.
3. We put our house up for sale and within a month got it packed up and then moved into our new house.
4. Had to do a mad rush unpack and beautifying of the new house in 2 weeks to prep for family coming in for my SIL's wedding.
5. Planned and put together a bridal shower for my SIL.
6. Sydney's birthday party.
7. Family in town and staying at my house.
8. The wedding, which I was Matron of Honor
The point where my journey really became a struggle was at the end of July...numbers 3-8 all happened during the month of September and 1st week of October. That month was awful as far as stress levels were concerned. My weight was all over the place. Oh...and, I also failed to mention all of the other daily/weekly things that came into play...church calling responsibilities, kids' school whatever, keeping up with my exercise routine, Mike traveling a lot and just being a mom. I started to get back on track mid October and then through November. At the end of November is when I hit one of the most exciting goals...I finally weighed-in at under 300lbs!!! HUGE day for me!! I was on cloud nine after that for a couple of weeks, and then...Christmas holiday temptations were too strong for me to bear! The last 2 weeks of December and going into the New Year...my behavior as far as food is concerned was completely reckless! I decided that I wanted to relax and just enjoy the season and all the yummy stuff it has to offer...which snowballed into me eating everything that I've been missing and then some. I also took a break from exercising. These decisions have resulted in me gaining 11 lbs back. :(  Live and learn, right?
I have to say though...that even though I didn't make much progress visually or on the scale over the past 6 months, I have made a ton of self-discoveries and I have become SO much stronger mentally and physically! And, that, is just as necessary for my growth in order to make it all the way to the end.  And then, know how to maintain it, so I don't have to go through this journey again! Sure...I wish that my total pounds lost was higher than it is...in fact I was expecting it to be much higher, honestly. But, things don't always happen the way we planned, and that's ok. I am still thankful for the progress that I have made. And, I will use everything that I've learned as fuel to rev things up this year!!
So, here are some of my small victories over the past year. These are actually the most motivating for me! There is nothing like being able to do something that I haven't done in a long time! The first big one was being able to ride on a roller coaster that I was too big for a year earlier. Here's the post about that... http://www.jillrowland.blogspot.com/2012/04/small-victories.html
Some of the others are: dropping 2 sizes in my shirt and pants...fitting into chairs with arms and not having my hips squeezed to death...wrapping my arms all the way around Mike when I hug him...being able to tie my shoes and not pass out from holding my breath...there are lots of other little things that I can't remember right now. Each of these things was so exciting for me! That is what I notice more than anything.
One Year Anniversary Results
Starting Weight: 374.8   Current weight: 308.4 (I snuck back over 300 *sigh*)  Total Lost: 66.4
**before my few weeks of recklessness I was down to 297 lbs...having a total weight loss of 77.8 lbs. Very frustrated with myself about this, but again...live and learn. I can't beat myself up! I have to suck it up and move on...stronger! Overall...66.4 is still a great number!!
Measurements
Chest: January 2012: 60"      December 2012: 50"     Total Lost: 10"
Waist: January 2012: 67"      December 2012: 49.5"  Total Lost: 17.5"
Hips:   January 2012: 73"      December 2012: 61"     Total Lost: 12"
Thigh: January 2012: 31.5"   December 2012: 28"     Total Lost: 3.5"
Arm:   January 2012: 23.25" December 2012: 19.75" Total Lost: 3.5"
I only stated one arm and thigh because the other side was roughly the same in inches lost. So...total I have lost over 50" from my whole body, that includes both arms and thighs and my neck!! Pretty darn awesome!!
OK...so here they are...the before and after pictures!! Again...please be advised, they are not flattering or modest!! The picture above is the January 2012 and the picture below it is from January 2013.

There they are!! I hope you're not too traumatized by these images!! :)  I think it's exciting to see the progress this way. That was always my favorite part when I watched Biggest Loser.
Anyway...this next year, I am trying something new and that is switching from WW to calorie counting. Aimee has set me up with my target number and breakdown of how to eat, which include a few foods that are a must daily. I am also seeing her 3x a week for a higher intensity 30 minute session instead of a 1x a week high intensity session. I am allowing myself 2 days of rest...the 2nd day, possible light workout. This is where I bring in the balance of having a "Do Nothing Day" without kids around. I have to eat totally clean, no sugar, for 5 days consecutive and then the other 2 days I can have 2 cheats meals (one per day). That is where I can satisfy my cravings. :)
So that, my friends...is my year in review!! It's been a wild ride, but I am still holding on tight and ready for the next round...so, HANG ON!!

Think like a skinny girl.

"Think like a skinny girl", she says. Yep...Aimee expects me to think like a skinny girl. Ok...hmmm...how on earth do I do that?!? I'm NOT skinny...nor have I ever been skinny!
"Thoughts are energy", she says. The thoughts that mull around in my head affect what my body does. Ok...I guess I can see that.
So...again...how do I think like a skinny girl?? What does a skinny girl think? I always assume they think, "I'm starving, where's the food?" LOL! If that's what they think...awesome!...got it covered! But...I highly doubt that's what she meant. **sigh** Now, I have to dig deeper and start thinking in a way that I never have before.
I'm figuring that this will entail a lot of mushy, gushy self praise, and I am much more comfortable with making jokes. That's how I have always addressed my weight problems. If I poke fun at myself or make light of the situation, it makes the reality of it much easier to handle. But, I see what she's saying. It all comes down to what we've discussed before...positive thinking.
It all starts with how I think of myself. How do I talk about myself? Am I encouraging? Am I complimentary? Am I forgiving? I know if someone compliments me, I perk up and feel good about myself. I mean...who wouldn't? So...I guess, I need to do the same for myself. Sounds pretty corny. But, I don't have to look in the mirror and just go on and on about how wonderful I am. All I really need to do is think more positively about myself. What my brain says will direct how my body reacts. Which, in turn, will help with my weight loss. If I think I'm fat, my body will behave like it's fat. If I think like I'm skinny, my body will behave like it's skinny. And, if I give off the "I'm skinny" energy, or just stop drawing so much attention to myself in a negative manner, that will also affect how others view me. And, by doing that, they will give off a different energy.
Alright...I think I have thoroughly confused myself! Just thinking about all of this takes up way to much energy!!
What it all boils down to is this...I am seen in a certain way by most people. They have known me to be this way my whole life. In order for the ones I'm close with to see me in a different way, I have to give off a different energy. I am seen as the funny fat girl because that is how I present myself. I have lived without many rules when it comes to eating and I hardly ever exercised before this past year. So, that is what my loved ones are used too and that is what they associate with me. Sure, they've seen my progress over the past year, but I don't think any of them have been able to change their point of view about me. And, I don't mean that in a bad way. I have never followed through with losing weight, so they, understandably, will have a hard time seeing me as anything different than what I have always been. Same goes for myself, really. Some times, even I have a hard time believing that I'm a different person. And, how will I succeed to the end, if I haven't convinced myself that I can...or that I won't fall back to the old Jill.
So, with that being said, I have got to start with myself. Talk positively and change my point of view. When I don't do that, that is when I fall into my ruts. Go about it from a whole new angle, instead of getting down on myself for what I didn't do...praise myself for what I did do.
Positive thoughts=Positive energy=Positive results.
When I stop viewing myself as the "fat girl" it will make a world of difference in my progress. There's nothing wrong with just being the "funny" girl. It doesn't have to have "fat" included. 
So...from now on...I will be known as the "Fat Free Funny Girl". Much healthier for everyone. Or, I could even be "Reduced Fat" for those that don't like Fat Free. LOL!
Much love to you all...the Skinny Girl aka Fat Free Funny Girl.