A Special Glimpse.

It's time to start saying good bye to that fat girl that I have known for so long.
I have hit a milestone that I have been SO eager to reach for a LONG time!! I'm under 300 lbs!!!! WOO HOO!! These past 8+ weeks have been very frustrating! I have been yo-yoing 10 lbs for 9 weeks...just struggling with all kinds of crap. What an emotional feeling it is to FINALLY break that cycle and see a 200 number! THIS is just what I need to jumpstart this weight loss again and really start seeing the pounds and inches come off again. But now, those stinkin' holidays are coming! This is SO unfair!!
So...getting back to saying good bye to the fat girl. Or...should I say, morbidly obese girl...that is what my official "medical" description is, you know. Nice, right?!? So, we'll start by saying good-bye to that one first. I'm not real sure what the weight ranges for these lovely titles are, and honestly, I really don't care. I'm just going to get rid of it, because...well...I don't like it! Don't get me wrong...I realize I am far from thin...but losing these 75 lbs has really given me a taste of what it's like to not be "morbidly obese".
I have been a "fat girl" all of my life. Not necessarily because I was fat, but because I was always bigger than most of the girls my age. Therefore, I was the "fat girl". And, this is what I had to deal with daily. I was forced to accept it, which meant, I had to figure out how to handle it. Some days I was strong and brushed it off, but some days, I just cried. People can be so hurtful with the things they say...especially kids!
There is so much more involved with this weight loss journey than I thought. It's not just about losing weight and getting my body healthy. It's about healing myself emotionally and psychologically as well. When your teased about being fat all of your life, you end up believing it and it becomes who you are. And those scars, don't just go away when you lose the weight. I have grown up in a mind set of "I'm too fat." "I can't do it, it's too hard" "I can't fit". These are thoughts that are natural reactions to most situations. It's the first response...it has been the only response. So, getting out of that mind set is tricky. It takes a lot of positive self talk and words of encouragement. Which let's just face it, I'm not good at. It's much easier to tell myself what's wrong than what's right. So, the mind set transition may be a lot slower than the actual weight loss. But, lucky for me, I have a lot of special people in my life that help me with that.
So, here is a special glimpse into my head and some of the thoughts that are associated with being an oversized woman. It's almost like panic mode some of the time because of the fear of embarrassment. Whenever I go to a restaurant, I am freaking out about where they will seat us. Will it be a booth? I can't fit into a booth. Will it be too close to someone, to the point that I can't pull my chair out enough? Will the server just cringe when I order because they think 'She should not be eating that! She shouldn't be eating at all!'. It makes eating out more stressful than it needs to be.
When I go to a theater or arena for a movie, concert, sporting event or whatever, I am so stressed out about if I'll fit into the seat. I also make sure I sit on the end, so if I have to get up, I'm not walking over a bunch of strangers with my big butt in their face.
My size is the issue! Will I fit??? Everywhere I go. Will I fit??? It sucks!!! Going to a public restroom...getting into someone else's car...flying on an airplane. It is the same script that goes through my head. It's a script that is engraved in my brain. Will...I...fit?
Sometimes, it's my weight and physical limitations...not my size that worries me. And, the phrase that I repeat in these circumstances is..."I can't physically do this." This is something I am trying to overcome during my training sessions each week. When I gained the weight, I lost a lot of strength. So, convincing myself that I am stronger and can move my body better is tough. I look at some of these exercises and think, "Are you serious?!? There is NO way I can do this! Do you realize how much weight I have to hold up?!" And...to my surprise, I give it a try and I can do it! It's getting past the barriers that I have built in my head, of what I am capable of, that is the hardest part.
This is why those small victories mean so much to me. I am making progress towards deleting those scripts that have been engraved into my brain. Every time I can fit into a seat comfortably, put on a shirt that is a size smaller, walk on the treadmill a little faster and longer, do that exercise that seemed impossible...I am one step closer to "fat girl" freedom!
There are a lot of hurdles, psychologically, that I need to overcome. I understand this. This milestone was HUGE! When I think about losing 75 lbs...I catch myself being negative and thinking, it's not that big of a deal. Because, I know I have SO much more to lose. But, then I stop the negative thoughts and acknowledge just how much weight that is. It is more than what Sydney weighs...I have lost the equivalent of a first grader and then some. That is something to be proud of! And, I need to remember that!!
My next big milestone...100 lbs!!! I don't think I will set a time goal. Ideally, I would LOVE to hit it by my year anniversary in January, but I am also realistic to the challenges of life. Doesn't mean I'm not going to try my hardest though!! ;) Now it's time to blow through those 200's!! I AM READY!!