Ok...I need to vent and let it ALL out in order for me to move on!! And, this is just the place to do it.
I am throwing myself a pity party, so get prepared for some fun!
I am SO pissed off at myself right now! And, I have no one to blame but myself.
I went to WW today instead of my normal Thursday morning weigh in day. I did it mainly to get it over with and see what damage I caused. Are you ready for this??? I gained a whopping 6.4 lbs! That's right...6.4 lbs!! My awesome 5.8 weight loss last week...down the drain! GRRRR!
And, to top it all off, I knew exactly what I was doing, but I did it anyway. Who does that?!?! ME!! I am awful at "give an inch, take a mile"...I don't think the word "moderation" exists in my vocabulary.
So, this is what started it. Last Thursday was the wedding...so far so good...ate a little over my WW points, no problem. Friday started out ok...gradually got out of control. Friday night went to the M&M Factory and of course, bought M&M's (imagine that!)...first bad move! Then, went to a buffet...really NOT GOOD! All self-control...completely out the window!! Saturday...the M&M bags and I became very close...we bonded...it was love...I was hooked! It didn't matter that I wanted to throw up because the taste was too good to resist! Sunday...I'm ready to get back on track, all the chaos was coming to a close...I'm siked mentally and rarin' to go. Which is obvious if you read my last post. It's funny how quickly the tables can turn...the joys of being an emotional woman! Monday morning...still ok. I started my circuit and it felt great, but I got interrupted and then I talked myself into not finishing it. BIG MISTAKE!! That is when ALL hell broke loose!!
Since, I have been on the Go...Go...Go for a couple of months...I said to myself, "You know what, Jill. You deserve a couple days off. Don't worry about exercise or points till Thursday. After weigh in...no more excuses! Just relax, rest up and enjoy it." Well, let me just tell you...did I do just that! I ate everything I could find and a lot of it! Hence...the 6.4 lb weight gain.
So, this is why I am pissed. Why do I feel the need to completely go nuts?? I didn't need to eat like that! I could have rested by not working out and still eat healthy. But, I chose not to...and all the while asking myself, "Why are you doing this? Why are you cramming a whole pizza and 10 cookies into your mouth right now?? You are taking away the awesome weight loss you just had last week, and for what?!?" And then...I can't answer myself...I don't know how to answer myself. I am completely unfazed...I just want to eat. Something switches in my brain once I give myself a little freedom and then all my self control is gone! It is so frustrating!! I am just sick with guilt, but then, I do it again. Why?? Why?? Why?? All I can say is, thank goodness I don't drink alcohol or do drugs!
I am not someone that likes to admit that I am having problems...but, then again who does? I'm fine with having struggles...I just don't want anyone else to see them. I am at a point right now where I need to refocus...get my head back in it like it was before. I will be relying heavily on my loved ones for motivation and praise. We all need it! Some times more than others.
When I'm in my right mind...I know how well I've done and I know how much I'm capable of. I am ready for the challenges that will come while conquering this quest. And, I have the inner strength to make the right choices.
But...when I'm in my "why me?" mind...my ability to say no to temptation becomes weaker and weaker. My ability to reason the most irrational thoughts becomes stronger and stronger. And, I make excuses for everything.
I do understand that is life...so take it as an opportunity to learn. Which is what I'll do...whether I want to or not!
I am a person that won't let things drag me down! I am an open communicator and I'm not afraid to speak my mind...which gets me in trouble a lot!! I don't hold grudges. I admit when I am at fault.
These decisions that I have made were not smart. But, I will forgive myself and not let it drag me down! Live and learn, right?
My life is back to normal. I got my inner rebelliousness out of the way.
So now...I am going to put on my boxing gloves and beat the crap out of my inner demons. Grab the bull by the horns and surprise myself with what I can do!
As I said last week..."GAME ON!!" And...this time, I mean it!!
1 comment:
Jill, first of all you are AMAZING! We all have our own inner demons and more often than any one of us would like to admit we let those demons have a demonic playdate :( Unlike you though, not many of us will post our failures for the world to see. Most of us aren't secure enough, or strong enough, or bold enough to do that. But you are!!! And you are an inspiration because of that! Yes you had a set back. But the important thing is to utilize the atonement. Forgive yourself and move on. Remember the progress that you have made so far. Let those around you bouy you up for a little bit then hit the ground running again. Keep up the good work! We are all rooting for you :)
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