Strength. What does it mean...really?
Is it being able to admit your failures? Or...Is it being able to hide behind a happy face?
Is it being able to ask for help with your trials? Or...Is it being able to handle everything on your own?
I feel, it is all of those things. I, myself, have found strength that I didn't know existed.
The one thing that I have a hard time with, out of those 4 questions, is asking for help. I have never had a problem with admitting my failures. And, I almost always have on a happy face. Humor, for me, was a way of lessening the hurt of the teasing and the embarassment from being overweight. It is my coping mechanism. And, honestly, I prefer to handle everything on my own....for the most part, I do a pretty good job. But, I hate asking for help.
Since I have attempted and failed on numerous occasions to lose weight and get healthy, I have learned a lot about myself. I can't go into something half-hearted or uneducated and expect to succeed. This is where getting older is helpful. I have finally realized that I don't know it all. Which really sucks. So, because of this I have had to ask for help. By asking for help, I have become educated. Which then, gives me the confidence to take on this challenge whole-heartedly.
And, that is what I have done! I have become so much stronger mentally...much stronger than I ever thought I could be. I actually enjoy exercising now...mainly because I have stuck with it long enough to feel and see results. I am not acting like a spoiled brat that is pissed off because I have to lose weight and exercise and not eat what I want...blah, blah, blah. That attitude got me nowhere over and over for lots of years. My new attitude is one of strength... I need to do this... plain and simple...no excuses...just do it.
Now, emotionally, I still have a lot of work to do. Whenever I talk or think about my weight issues and how it has affected my family and myself...I can't control my tears. It is a very sensitive subject for me. And, it's not that I mind talking about it...it's just that I always start crying when I do. So, to help me with my emotional issues, I went to the LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program. I have to say though, I agreed to go there with a "don't wanna go" attitude. But...I was encouraged and supported by my trainer, so I went. And, I was pleasantly surprised. This meeting was solely for the "food addictions", so that made me much more comfortable about it. But, let me just tell you...this program is a tough one and it's going to take A LOT of emotional strength from me. And, right now...I'm struggling. I am struggling with the "I don't wanna." "I don't need to" and "This is stupid." I realize that those feelings are immature (although I still have them), so I am going to grow up and give it a chance. One thing that has really helped me since I began my weight loss journey is praying for strength. And, that is exactly what I'm going to do in order to be able to proceed with this program. I realize this is the area that I will have to ask for the most help.
Another form of strength that I have seen lots of changes with is, physical strength. This has been extremely exciting for me. You can't possibly understand how tiring and frustrating it is to carry around 300+ lbs until you've done it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for pity because I am well aware of the fact that I did it to myself. I'm just stating that my body works way harder than it should to do even the simplest of things. And, when I notice it getting easier to do those things...I get almost giddy about it. I walked up a hill without feeling like I was going to die at the top. I can lift my own body weight up stairs without using the handrail. I can clean my house a lot more thoroughly because I don't get as tired...not that I want to. :) And...I am only getting stronger with each day that I have the strength to keep doing it.
So...what is strength? It's the having ability to take care of yourself the way that you deserve and allowing yourself to do it.
"To climb steep hills requires a slow pace at first." ~William Shakespeare
"Winners never quit and quitters never win." ~Vince Lombardi
"Never let the fear of striking out get in your way." ~Babe Ruth
"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog." ~Mark Twain
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Emotional eating...
Emotional eating.
No matter how much weight I lose or how much therapy I get...I will always struggle with emotional eating. Food is my addiction. It will be a constant battle for me, the rest of my life, to make the right choices to get healthy and stay healthy. This is a fact that I have realized and reluctantly come to accept. That doesn't mean that I like it... it just means that I have accepted it.
I guess I should feel lucky that I chose food as my drug instead of some of the other options. Growing up I was around all sorts of things, and I was able to make the right choices then...so I can certainly make the right choices now. The hard part about being addicted to food, is that I have to eat. It's not like narcotics or alcohol or smoking, where you can give it up entirely. I need food to survive. I just need to be able to control my impulses and over indulgences. Easier said than done though!
One of the goals/emotional exercises that my trainer assigned to me this week, was to journal my thoughts whenever I get an "emotional eating attack". Which is incredibly hard for me to do. For the most part, I am a very positive person and I don't like to let anybody into my negative thoughts. I feel like a whiner...that I need to get over it, put my big girl panties on and deal. I look around at other people's issues and then look at my blessed life...and I realize that I need to stop complaining. My issues are so minor compared to some. And, that usually helps me get over it and get out of my emotional funk. It's not always a guaranteed fix, but it definitely helps.
Eventhough, I didn't want to do this homework, I did. I sat down and wrote out all of my negative thoughts. I also had a great talk with a great friend that helped me put things into perspective. The constant mind war that I have is, allowing myself to take the time needed to take care of myself. By doing this, a lot of my other projects and chores get behind. My house is always a mess and it really drags me down emotionally. This is something that my friend helped me put into perspective. The question is...What is more important, being healthy or having a spotless house? Well, we all know the answer to that...I am just having a hard time being ok with it.
Fortunately, I have a family that doesn't expect a spotless house. Thank goodness! They would much rather see me healthy. And, if that means that we are walking through cobwebs all over the house, then so be it! LOL! Just kidding!! It's not that bad...yet. ;)
Anyway, once again, I just have to be patient with myself and focus on my first priority...ME!
Once, soccer season is over and the kids are out of school, I will have a lot fewer places to be. Right now, my day is filled with small chunks of time to get things done, and I don't always manage my time well. That's another lesson I need to perfect, time-management. I'll add it to my list of things to do this summer! ;)
No matter how much weight I lose or how much therapy I get...I will always struggle with emotional eating. Food is my addiction. It will be a constant battle for me, the rest of my life, to make the right choices to get healthy and stay healthy. This is a fact that I have realized and reluctantly come to accept. That doesn't mean that I like it... it just means that I have accepted it.
I guess I should feel lucky that I chose food as my drug instead of some of the other options. Growing up I was around all sorts of things, and I was able to make the right choices then...so I can certainly make the right choices now. The hard part about being addicted to food, is that I have to eat. It's not like narcotics or alcohol or smoking, where you can give it up entirely. I need food to survive. I just need to be able to control my impulses and over indulgences. Easier said than done though!
One of the goals/emotional exercises that my trainer assigned to me this week, was to journal my thoughts whenever I get an "emotional eating attack". Which is incredibly hard for me to do. For the most part, I am a very positive person and I don't like to let anybody into my negative thoughts. I feel like a whiner...that I need to get over it, put my big girl panties on and deal. I look around at other people's issues and then look at my blessed life...and I realize that I need to stop complaining. My issues are so minor compared to some. And, that usually helps me get over it and get out of my emotional funk. It's not always a guaranteed fix, but it definitely helps.
Eventhough, I didn't want to do this homework, I did. I sat down and wrote out all of my negative thoughts. I also had a great talk with a great friend that helped me put things into perspective. The constant mind war that I have is, allowing myself to take the time needed to take care of myself. By doing this, a lot of my other projects and chores get behind. My house is always a mess and it really drags me down emotionally. This is something that my friend helped me put into perspective. The question is...What is more important, being healthy or having a spotless house? Well, we all know the answer to that...I am just having a hard time being ok with it.
Fortunately, I have a family that doesn't expect a spotless house. Thank goodness! They would much rather see me healthy. And, if that means that we are walking through cobwebs all over the house, then so be it! LOL! Just kidding!! It's not that bad...yet. ;)
Anyway, once again, I just have to be patient with myself and focus on my first priority...ME!
Once, soccer season is over and the kids are out of school, I will have a lot fewer places to be. Right now, my day is filled with small chunks of time to get things done, and I don't always manage my time well. That's another lesson I need to perfect, time-management. I'll add it to my list of things to do this summer! ;)
Friday, May 4, 2012
Simple Goals and Dreams of a Fat Girl...Revised
I did a post back in September about my goals and dreams for when I lose weight...and a lot has changed since then. I still have the same goals that I listed back then, but now I have even more goals. Better goals...more active goals. :)
I have been SO limited physically with what I have been able to do over the past...I don't know how long... TOO long...that's how long! Here...let me just give you a breakdown of my weight timeline, just to give you an idea of how long I have been restricted by my size.
High school years 150-180 lbs...early 20's 200-230 lbs. (newly married)...mid 20's 250-260 lbs (just had the boys)...late 20's I hit over 300 lbs (had Sydney). When I got pregnant with Sydney I was 320 lbs and I weighed as much as about 380 lbs during the pregnancy. After her, I got down to about 360 lbs and joined WW and got down to 302 lbs (Soooo close to getting under 300). But, I gained it all back and then stayed around 330 lbs for a long time. I eventually climbed back up to 375 lbs by the time I started WW in January. I am now 334 lbs and consistantly losing pounds and well on my way to getting back down under 300 lbs. My goal is July 15 (my birthday) to be under 300...a little ambitious...but, I know if I don't hit it by then, I will very soon after that. I have been over 300 lbs for more than 8 years, so when I see a 200 number on that scale...I will probably cry or faint or who knows what...I'll be excited that's for sure!!
So...anyway...back to my goals and dreams. Since, I have been losing weight and inches, I have had desires that are totally different than 8 months ago, or even 4 months ago. As part of my exercise routine, I have to walk intervals. And, lately, I have been jogging a little. Granted, my jog is slightly faster than a skinny girl's walk...but regardless of that I am jogging! And...can I just tell you how liberating running is? It feels like I am breaking free...from whatever...almost like I am breaking through a wall. It feels great!! So, I am going to be slowly training to be able to run longer and faster. *GASP* Yep, that's right! Soon enough...I'm gonna be runnin"! :)
Here are some of my goals and dreams...in no particular order.
1. Run in a race. Not sure which one(s) or the distance...but it sounds like fun!
2. Repel down a mountain
3. Go White Water Rafting somewhere. I have always been afraid that if I fall out, I won't be able to pull myself back in.
4. Drive a jet ski and not be freaked out that I'm going to fall off and be stranded in the middle of the lake. Also, the same fear as #3.
5. Drive a race car!! I do a pretty good job in my hot-rod mini-van, but it's just not the same!
6. Go camping. Right now I have to sleep with a breathing machine because of my Sleep Apnea, so I haven't been able to go.
7. Get on an Adult Softball team. I LOVE sports, softball especially. I would have so much fun playing again.
8. Put on a formal gown and go on a "Prom" date with Mike. I never went to prom in high school and I have always wanted to get all fancied up and go out. And, I want to do it when I can fit into whatever dress I want and look HOT!
9. I want to lay down on the couch with Mike and snuggle like we used to before we were married. You know...the "spoon" position and just snuggle and watch a movie. I really miss that!
10. I want to be able to walk into my kids' classrooms and not feel bad that they have a "fat" mom. I don't want them to have to defend me to their friends. They have enough drama at school.
11. I want to play Hide and Seek with the kids and have a better hiding spot than the shower.
12. I want to race my kids and keep up or even beat them!
13. I want to go to Red Rock or Valley of Fire and just have fun hiking all over and not get winded or tired. I love to explore and hike around, but my size and stamina has kept me from doing a lot.
14. I want to go to a water park and not be embarrassed.
15. I want to wear cute clothes...especially Levi's. I am tired of my sloppy black capri's and I'm sure everyone else is too! :)
16. I want to get rid of my C-PAP breathing machine by the end of the year.
17. I want to sit in a chair and not worry that it will break.
18. I want to fit in a booth and have room to move and breathe.
19. I want to sit next to someone and not take up half of their seat space with my arms.
20. I want to get off of all of my medication!!
So, there it is...the simple goals and dreams of a fat girl. Soon enough I will be able to cross some of these off!! But, until then, I will picture myself doing them while I am sweating and working hard to achieve them. :)
I have been SO limited physically with what I have been able to do over the past...I don't know how long... TOO long...that's how long! Here...let me just give you a breakdown of my weight timeline, just to give you an idea of how long I have been restricted by my size.
High school years 150-180 lbs...early 20's 200-230 lbs. (newly married)...mid 20's 250-260 lbs (just had the boys)...late 20's I hit over 300 lbs (had Sydney). When I got pregnant with Sydney I was 320 lbs and I weighed as much as about 380 lbs during the pregnancy. After her, I got down to about 360 lbs and joined WW and got down to 302 lbs (Soooo close to getting under 300). But, I gained it all back and then stayed around 330 lbs for a long time. I eventually climbed back up to 375 lbs by the time I started WW in January. I am now 334 lbs and consistantly losing pounds and well on my way to getting back down under 300 lbs. My goal is July 15 (my birthday) to be under 300...a little ambitious...but, I know if I don't hit it by then, I will very soon after that. I have been over 300 lbs for more than 8 years, so when I see a 200 number on that scale...I will probably cry or faint or who knows what...I'll be excited that's for sure!!
So...anyway...back to my goals and dreams. Since, I have been losing weight and inches, I have had desires that are totally different than 8 months ago, or even 4 months ago. As part of my exercise routine, I have to walk intervals. And, lately, I have been jogging a little. Granted, my jog is slightly faster than a skinny girl's walk...but regardless of that I am jogging! And...can I just tell you how liberating running is? It feels like I am breaking free...from whatever...almost like I am breaking through a wall. It feels great!! So, I am going to be slowly training to be able to run longer and faster. *GASP* Yep, that's right! Soon enough...I'm gonna be runnin"! :)
Here are some of my goals and dreams...in no particular order.
1. Run in a race. Not sure which one(s) or the distance...but it sounds like fun!
2. Repel down a mountain
3. Go White Water Rafting somewhere. I have always been afraid that if I fall out, I won't be able to pull myself back in.
4. Drive a jet ski and not be freaked out that I'm going to fall off and be stranded in the middle of the lake. Also, the same fear as #3.
5. Drive a race car!! I do a pretty good job in my hot-rod mini-van, but it's just not the same!
6. Go camping. Right now I have to sleep with a breathing machine because of my Sleep Apnea, so I haven't been able to go.
7. Get on an Adult Softball team. I LOVE sports, softball especially. I would have so much fun playing again.
8. Put on a formal gown and go on a "Prom" date with Mike. I never went to prom in high school and I have always wanted to get all fancied up and go out. And, I want to do it when I can fit into whatever dress I want and look HOT!
9. I want to lay down on the couch with Mike and snuggle like we used to before we were married. You know...the "spoon" position and just snuggle and watch a movie. I really miss that!
10. I want to be able to walk into my kids' classrooms and not feel bad that they have a "fat" mom. I don't want them to have to defend me to their friends. They have enough drama at school.
11. I want to play Hide and Seek with the kids and have a better hiding spot than the shower.
12. I want to race my kids and keep up or even beat them!
13. I want to go to Red Rock or Valley of Fire and just have fun hiking all over and not get winded or tired. I love to explore and hike around, but my size and stamina has kept me from doing a lot.
14. I want to go to a water park and not be embarrassed.
15. I want to wear cute clothes...especially Levi's. I am tired of my sloppy black capri's and I'm sure everyone else is too! :)
16. I want to get rid of my C-PAP breathing machine by the end of the year.
17. I want to sit in a chair and not worry that it will break.
18. I want to fit in a booth and have room to move and breathe.
19. I want to sit next to someone and not take up half of their seat space with my arms.
20. I want to get off of all of my medication!!
So, there it is...the simple goals and dreams of a fat girl. Soon enough I will be able to cross some of these off!! But, until then, I will picture myself doing them while I am sweating and working hard to achieve them. :)
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