So long, so-da

This week I am giving myself a HUGE pat on the back!! So...take a moment...imagine me patting myself on the back. Good. Thank you! Actually, you know what...imagine me patting myself on my shoulder because I can't really reach my back...lol...gotta be realistic! ;)

Anyway, in my last post I made a commitment to myself to exercise every weekday morning. And...are you ready?...I DID!! Woot Woot!!

I can't thank my friends enough for joining me and making it SO much more enjoyable! I walked 1-2 miles each day, I went to the gym twice, and I had a blast doing Kinect Sports at home. I am SO proud of myself!! And, normally I would say I should have done more. But, I am shutting myself up, and congratulating myself for getting my BIG butt off the couch/computer chair and  moving my body. I tend to forget that I am not a teenager anymore and I am carrying around ALOT of extra weight...it's that whole distorted mental image of myself, I think.

So now,since I accomplished one challenge, I have a new challenge that I am posing to myself. And, honestly, this one scares me more than exercising. So, here it is...I have decided... to eliminate... caffeine and soda! **GASP!!** Yes, I know, you're saying to yourself, "But, Jill, how will you stay awake?!" And, my answer to that question is...chocolate, candy bars, sugar...oh, wait, sorry, I'm missing the point here. That's right, healthy...gotta get healthy.

This is how I see it, caffeine or soda, in general, is NO good. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but it magnifies a lot of other bad things. And, I am not blind to that, I just chose not to do anything about it. It makes me hungrier, more aggitated and irritable, turns my teeth yellow, and lately it has gradually been replacing water way too much.

Ever since I was pregnant with Sydney, I retain water like a camel. But, unfortunately, my water isn't stored in my humps...haha. My water likes to hang out right above my ankles mostly, but it goes all the way up to my hips. Which is miserable because my legs feel like dead weight. I am actually on medication for my water retention...which I would love to get rid of. Oddly enough, the less water I drink, the more I retain. So, it's time to replace that soda with water. And I know, I will see lots of changes in the way I feel and how I can move.

Here's a funny story about my water retention. When I was pregnant with Sydney, if I would cut my leg, instead of it bleeding, it would ooze water. Not just a little, it would actually require me to tape gauze or sometimes even a washcloth over the cut, to get it to stop. So, I told Mike to poke a bunch of little holes in my legs and I could be somebody's sprinkler system...plus it would get rid of some of that water. He didn't do it though...can you believe that?!...the nerve! My legs, were so tight, that I couldn't even bend my leg to sit on it!
So, getting back to my challenge. This challenge, is another one of those small steps to the bigger goal. I keep telling myself, one thing at a time. So, I am trying to pick things to focus on that will improve other bad habits at the same time. And, the method to my madness with eliminating soda, besides what I listed above, is...I think I will eat less fast food because of it. I don't buy soda at the store very often because I know I will drink it nonstop. So, to get my fix, I go get fast food. And, to me, fast food doesn't taste the same without soda, so...with that being said, I think, I will eat less fast food. Kill 2 birds with 1 stone, right?

So, there it is folks...no caffeine for Jilly...yep, no caffeine for me...no soda is going to touch these lips. I'm hoping, if I keep saying it, it might make it easier to do. Think it'll work?

Well, this is it. "Goodbye soda...you will be missed." **sniff sniff** Na Na Na Na...Na Na Na Na...Hey Hey Hey...Goodbye! Man...this is going to be tough...ugh!

Applause please...

Do you ever feel like, no matter how long you spend on trying to get something done, it never gets finished?
Being a stay-at-home mom is a priceless gift but a never ending job. Before kids, when I was a Manager working in retail, I would have projects...get them done and go home. As a stay-at-home mom, I have projects...thought I had them done and then the kids would come home. There is something very different about these two lives!
When I ran my own store, I would get a new floorset...along with a huge shipment of new merchandise and I would get SO excited! Yes, it was a lot of work, but I got to completely change my store, and use my brain to figure out how to make it look awesome. I would thrive on the praise I would get from the creative displays that I did. My Managers would send me to other stores within the company because I did such a good job with my own, and I always felt like I did a good job. Plus, I would get the satisfaction of having a job completed.
Running a household has a much different reward system. And, it usually doesn't involve verbal praise. It's hard to do the same things day in and day out and then have that feeling like it's never done. It really wears on you after awhile! Plus, I never get that praise saying, "Wow Mom! You really folded that towel awesome! That linen closet is the BOMB!!" It's just not going to happen, and, frankly...I would be kinda worried if it did. ;)
I don't know what I'm looking for really...I wouldn't give up being a stay-at-home mom for anything. Maybe I should buy one of those fake applause machines that I can turn on whenever I have finished laundry or cleaned the bathroom or something like that. Ooooh...while I'm at it, I should buy a Laugh Tract too. That would really make me feel good! :) I would get laughs no matter how stupid my joke is! Hmmm...I might have to look into that. Christmas, maybe?
Anyway...I also feel like my brain has slowly turned to mush over the past 10 years. I have lived on Dora the Explorer, Blue's Clues and Sesame Street for years...although I have recently graduated to Spongebob Squarepants and iCarly, so I am excited about that. But, I think if I were to go to school at this point, my brain would shut down...you'd probably see smoke coming out of my ears!
As nervous as I am for my kids to grow up...I am stoked to start using my brain for adult things again. The question now is...what do I want to do when I grow up? My lastest desire is to work with animals. Possibly as a Vet Tech. Working in retail was rewarding creatively, however working with customers was not so rewarding. When you work with the public, you gain an appreciation for what service people put up with. So...with that being said...I would much rather deal with animals than people! :)
My biggest hurdle to overcome with taking on any challenge or new adventure is my lack of patience for learning something new. I am a girl that is all about Instant Gratification! Even as a kid, I wanted to be the best at whatever it was without having to practice or study. And...I hate to say it...but I am still that way. If I am not an ace at something right away, I would get discouraged and move onto something that comes naturally.
At least I have recognized this about myself, so now I can do something about it. I think that is one of the reasons eating healthy and exercising is so hard for me. It's something that I'm not "perfect" at, so I want to move onto something that I am. Which...we all know what that is! :P
I have rejoined the Athletic Club and I have made a commitment to myself, that I am going to dedicate every weekday morning to exercising. I also have some friends that are involved in that, which I love them dearly for!
Since the kids have went back to school, I have been trying to get my house "perfect", myself "perfect", my projects all finished, and also finish everything else that my mind creates to distract me from getting all those other things done. And, It's...just...not...working!! I have to reorganize my priorities and concentrate on the one thing that will help all things...and that is ME.
Loving Instant Gratification is a pain in the butt because it just won't happen with all the weight I need to lose. And...it will happen even slower, if I keep doing things half-ass. I am going to work on exercising first because in the past that has helped me with eating correctly also. So...wish me luck!!
Once, I am not afraid to step on the scale...I will post it. :)

So grateful...

I often sit on the couch and close my eyes (usually when the kids want something) and then reflect on my life. And, each time I do, I am more grateful for everything that I have. But, what I am most grateful for, are the relationships that I have with the people in my life.
I think, that I am more fortunate than most because, I have been spoiled my whole life in countless ways. I grew up with the most awesome parents...I married the most awesome man...I have the most awesome kids...and over the years I have made the most awesome friends.
What a great life I have!! I am SO blessed!!
I feel, it is so important to not get too consumed in my own drama because it will keep me from seeing what really matters. And that is, the people that I love. I am pleased to say, that the only things I really struggle with...that I feel are worth mentioning...are my constant battles with eating right and exercising. Luckily for me, those are fixable! And, the best way to help me fix them, is to have good people around me.
Another important factor in being able to grow as a person...is to be aware of how I am behaving. Mike is not a very vocal person, especially with anything that is stressing him out. So, I feel, as a wife...that isn't always easy to live with, by the way...it is important for me to check in on him. I frequently give him the green light to vent and let me know if I am irritating him in any way. I expect him to say no of course. But, on the RARE occasion that he says yes, that helps me know how I am behaving. Since, he is the one that sees all my moods...lucky guy!...I trust that he knows what he's talking about.
And, boy...do I ever have some GREAT people in my life. And, they are all SO supportive to me. I know how frustrating it must be, to watch me do these things to myself, and constantly say I'm going to do something about it, and then I don't. But, that doesn't keep them from loving me and sticking by me.
My parents... They have always been so encouraging and have joined different programs to be my buddy and help cheer me on. They do all they can to help educate me or motivate me or just offer advice. I had a fantastic childhood with two extremely loving and giving and understanding parents. They were such great role models in so many ways...and still are. They help me out in so many ways that they probably don't even realize.
My husband...what a trooper! As a wife that has gained over 150 lbs in her marriage, it is so hard to feel beautiful and desired. But, I tell you what...he sure knows how, to make me feel beautiful and desired. And I am SO grateful for that!! He listens to me at all hours of the night. He would do absolutely anything for me. He is my rock and my true soulmate.
My kids...they are my life! And, I am their mom, no matter what size I am! They don't care. Of course, they have their worries too and they want me to play with them more. But, to them, I am just the extra squeezably soft mom with the big smile and even bigger hugs!
My friends...Growing up, I usually only had one really good friend at a time. I am better with one on one than I am with a crowd, so it was more comfortable that way. But, I now realize that I really missed out. Lately, I have gotten close to a lot of different people. And, I cherish each of their friendships for a variety of different reasons. And, I am just overwhelmed by the encouraging words and offers of support that they have given me.
I know that I can't do everything myself and I am so thankful to have so many people in my life to lift me up and keep me going.
My cousin just said to me, that she envied my love for life and ease for being happy and that I made being happy look so easy. All I can say is, that, it is a choice that I make everyday. I enjoy being happy and I try not to let people get me down. If I have a problem or worry, I talk about it. My husband is well aware, that if I am mad or worried about something, I can't sleep until it's resolved. Life's too short! Plus, it makes me happy to make others happy and I can't do that, if I'm not happy! Pretty profound huh?...or maybe just plain confusing. And, it makes me even happier to make people laugh! :)
Here are some of my favorite sayings...
Live Well...Laugh Often...Love Much
Laughter is the Best Medicine
You Don't Stop Laughing When You Grow Old...You Grow Old Because You Stop Laughing
Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get
And...my most favorite...Do as I say, not as I do!!  :)  I like that one because I have kids. ;)

Reality check...

Today is the day that I am going to face the music, and step on that scale...
I decided that it was past time for me to go out and buy a new scale because the past 2 weeks I have been slacking BIG time! Although, I have still been walking and doing some X-Box exercising (thanks to Kinect Sports), but my body is used to that now. So, if I want results, I need to STEP IT UP! Blah!!!
So...here it is...are you ready?... I'm not!!
I stepped on the scale and I was half expecting it to say, "Whoa Momma! Get OFF!!" Luckily, it didn't say that. But, after several times of stepping on, stepping off, figuring out how to work the stupid thing...there it was...the dreaded results. 366.4 lbs! All I can say now is, "SHIT!! What the HELL did I do to myself!!" (pardon the language, I could have said a few other choice words, but I didn't).
I must live in denial. Or, maybe it's my problem with Unrealistic Optimism. Either way, everything that I have been doing has caught up to me. I mean, really...how could I be so naive, as to think, that my behaviors would have a different result. I was hoping, I guess. Who wouldn't want the luxury of eating anything they want and not have a weight problem, right?
You know, we all have a mental image of ourselves in our head. And, my mental image is definitely not me at this weight. It is me, probably about 100 lbs lighter. Which would explain why I run into corners and knock over things with my butt while walking through a store. I misjudge my size all the time! I don't know why I have that image in my head. I mean, I have been over 300 lbs for over 7 years, so it's not like it happened just recently. Maybe... it's me, not accepting reality or just being ashamed. Or, maybe, it's just the fact that I avoid mirrors and cameras, for the mere reason that I don't want to know what I look like now. Sometimes, that fantasy world, is a lot more pleasant to be in. But, the fact is, my fantasy won't have a happy ending if I don't face the reality of things.
Over the past 5 weeks, I have been working more on behaviors and triggers. I have been bringing in some better habits gradually because I am notorious for rebelling if I am forced to do too much. Yes, I know, I am an adult, I need to grow up! :)  But, my history with any weight loss or exercise routine is that, I am all gung-ho for a few weeks and then I lose motivation. Which I see happening right now.
When I went to Weight Watchers, they talked about having an "anchor". They also gave each new member a tiny red stirring straw at their first meeting. That straw symbolized, "the last straw"...what was "the last straw" that made you join Weight Watchers? Which, for everyone, it is different. What was that turning point, that finally makes you realize that you need to do something. Now, the anchor, is an object that you carry with you, to help remind you of that "last straw". For some, it's a lucky charm or a keychain. I think for me...as much as I don't like it...it would be a picture of myself currently. That would be the reminder I need help me make the right choices. Since my mental image is a lie, I need that slap in face to remind me of what I have done to myself.
Thankfully, I have a HUGE support system! I have my family and SO many friends that are rooting me on. I have exercise partners, exercise routine planners, recipe helpers and little hugs and kisses that keep me on track. I am so blessed for that! I just need to remember to root myself on! :)
So, to all of my supporters...this is my promise to you...
I WILL do everything in my power to get myself under control and
I WILL NOT QUIT!!
My goal is to be 250 lbs or less by my next birthday (July 15) . That means I need to lose about 120 lbs in 9 months and I KNOW I can do it!! My reason for the specifics is because Boulder City has a zip-line, and the weight limit is 250 lbs. And, I want to go on that zip-line!!! And, anyone else that would like to join me, I would love it!
So, please keep me in your prayers and keep rooting me on!!

This is my "anchor"

Family pictures

I love family pictures! It really gives you a chance to see just how much everyone has changed. Not just the kids, but the adults too! I was so good at taking pictures of the boys. The first year it was every 3 months and then every 6 months or so. With Sydney, I didn't do as well. We get a picture about every year now. Selfishly, it's because I don't want to be in the picture, so that has a big impact on how often we go. I know...I should go just to get the kids, but that's why I have a camera! :)
Anyway, I thought I would post some of my favorite "studio" pictures. We have lots more, but this is all for now... ;)

Brett with Jill, Colby with Mike
2002

Brett (Lion) Colby (Bear)
2002

Brett on the left, Colby on the right
2002

Colby on the left, Brett on the right
2007

Colby on top, Brett in the middle
2007

Colby on the left, Brett on the right
2007

Sydney 2007



Colby on the left, Brett on the right
2008



Colby in the back, Brett in the front
2010