Focus, Jill, Focus!!

I am struggling big time this week! Why can't there be a switch, somewhere in my brain, that I can just flip to make me stop doing these things to myself!!
I have been "focusing on me" for about a month. And, it is getting harder and harder to maintain that focus. I am finding all kinds of things that I "should" be doing instead.
I have been keeping up with the exercising though...thanks to some wonderful friends that keep me company!!
But...FOOD!!! Why is it SO hard?! I am a smart person. I know what I should and should not be eating. But, do I listen to myself? NO. I can't just stop at one, I have to eat three. And then, I'm sick to my stomach. Not only from the amount I ate, but from the guilt and anger too. When, will I learn?!
I swear the "devil" that sits on all of our shoulders tempting us...is actually Ronald McDonald and all his little buddies in my case. I wish all the fast food places would just close!
Having no kids all day is great on one hand, but gives me too much freedom on the other. I am someone that doesn't like to hear the word no. I am someone that is used to getting anything she wants. I am someone that gives into herself all the time. When it comes to myself, I am the Queen of Good Intentions without following through.
For some reason, over the past few years, I have gotten obsessed with charts. Almost, as if I don't know how to function without one. It's like my brain is on constant overload. Probably because I have kids. But...my kids aren't babies anymore. It supposed to get easier, right?
One of my biggest problems recently, is my ability to focus. When I do a project, I need complete silence, no interruption. Well...when does that happen?! Never. I want to be able to have a huge chunk of uninterrupted time to focus on the task at hand. If I don't have that, most likely I won't start it. Unless, it's required for something outside of my own projects.
My house is a disorganized mess and it is driving me nuts! I keep looking at the entire house and getting overwhelmed and then, I just shut down mentally and physically The hardest thing for me to do, is to focus on one thing at a time. I want the whole house (including the garage) organized perfectly and spotless in one day. Well, has that happened? NO... Have I even started? NO... My excuse...I am focusing on me... Do I feel guilty? YES!
So...what I have to keep doing is, giving myself "pep talks". Telling myself that it's ok to focus on me.
In my right mind, I know that I am important and I am worth the extra attention, but it is still SO hard to do.
So...from the words of Stuart Smalley, courtesy of Saturday Night Live, all I have to say is, "I am good enough, I am smart enough and Doggonit people like me."
Now...it's time to get back on that horse...

In with the good, out with the bad

Maybe it's because I'm getting older, or maybe it's because I'm getting smarter. Either way, whatever I am doing right now, seems to be working.
In the past, whenever I would think about DIETING and EXERCISING, I would immediately get pissed off and bitter and stubborn and overall immature. The problem was, that my approach was all wrong. I would lay in bed and envision myself doing all these wonderful things. I would eat fruits and veggies and lean meat and whole grains all day and just be in a perfect state of mind, no problem. I would exercise everyday with a huge smile on my face and just watch the inches melt away. So...I would fall asleep with images of myself totally motivated and driven with complete control of the situation. Then...I would wake up...
For some reason, I would expect myself to change everything from day one. And, not only that, I am in the mindset that it will be easy and I will love every minute of it. But, once I get my reality check, and realize how absurd that is, I give up. It's too hard, and I don't like pushing myself.
I have always labeled myself as an Unrealistic Optimist. And being married to Mike, who is a Realistic Pessimist, it works out great. We balance each other out. But, when it comes to setting goals for myself or anything, for that matter, I am always disappointed. Sure, I have a "go-getter" attitude, but I don't always think things through. I underestimate the difficulty and the time needed to do whatever it may be. So...I am working on being a Realistic Optimist.
I love fast food, I love junk food and I love soda. I don't love exercise, I don't love vegetables and I don't love cooking at home. So, instead of being an Unrealistic Optimist and eliminating all the things I love and doing all the things I don't love 100%. I am allowing myself to be lenient and patient.
The idea of incorporating good habits to weed out the bad habits, is genious. I have been exercising most days and by doing this one good habit, I have lessened several bad habits. I am eating less fast food and less junk food and drinking less soda and I am cooking home more. I still don't like vegetables though, but I'm working on that! :) It's amazing how the body reacts to certain things.
My attitude has also been better because I am not so hard on myself. One thing I know for sure is, that I am more willing to work hard for someone that is encouraging than I am for someone who is always negative.
I still don't have a scale and I am fine with that. Because sometimes the numbers are discouraging and right now I am enjoying the feelings I have with the changes I've made. Don't get me wrong, I still want to see the pounds go down, but right now I am ok with not knowing.
Don't worry!!  I'm not being too lenient on myself. I still want to get rid of this weight within this lifetime! But, I recognize that I am also quick to throw my hands up and I don't want that either. So, it's like walking on eggshells with myself. POOR MIKE! Now, I know how he feels. Sooner or later, I'll grow up.  :) In the meantime, Hakuna Matata... 

Therapy? Who needs it?!

This week I went to my Nutritionist and she brought in a Life Coach to come in and pick my brain. Let me just tell you...did he do just that! I was thoroughly confused one minute and then everything was completely clear the next minute. I was crying, I was laughing, I was irritated...I think I had about every single emotion go through me in one hour. So, I finished the hour emotionally exhausted.
He had a way of taking a simple comment and twisting it around to help me realize that what I expect of myself is impossible to accomplish. I need to be able to pat myself on the back and quit beating myself up because I didn't do more.
The simple statement was, "I feel like, if I can't do it all, I am a failure." But, really, honestly, what is "all", there really is no "all", so it is a no win situation. Therefore, I will always fail. And, what do I do when I fail?  I EAT! So, subconsciously, I set myself up for failure, in order to eat. Hmmmm. Very interesting.
I told him that I use food for comfort. So, he asked me, how do I feel when I eat, why is it comforting? And, I could not think of one postive feeling that I have when I eat. It is usually guilt or disappointment because I caved in, again. So, clearly it is not a comfort! So, what is my problem then?! And, I came to the conclusion that, eating is all I know, and either I am afraid of change, or I don't know how to change. So... now what?!
Now, what I feel like I need to do, is exactly what I was talking about in the beginning. I need to pat myself on the back for all the little things. As a mother, I have no problem doing that for my kids. So, why can't I do that for myself? It definitely won't come easy, but I am sure going to try.
You know, if you would have asked me 5 years ago to go see a therapist, I would have said, "Ya, right, no thanks!". I mean, really, how could a complete stranger know how to help me when they know nothing about me?
My fear was, that I would walk in, start talking and then they would say, "Wow! You're really screwed up...I don't think I can help you!" OR They could say, "Seriously?! These are your problems?! You really need to take a chill pill and get over it!" Either way, I thought therapists were a waste of time.
We fail to realize that, sometimes, we are struggling mentally or emotionally. And, all we need is someone to reach into our brain, and help move some of our thoughts around a little. And, that is what this Life Coach did for me.
So...for all of us that beat ourselves up over every little thing, I highly recommend getting your own Life Coach. Call up your closest friend and plan a "Pity Party". A day where you can get together and have a B**** session. Get it all out!! I am sure you'll end up laughing in the end and feel MUCH better. :)
Over the past several months I have grown closer to some great friends and we have had our Pity Parties or B**** sessions. And, I LOVE it!! It is so much fun and therapeutic too.
I understand that I will always struggle with food, and I have accepted that. This week, I have continued with my focus of making the small changes and I have done fantasticly...if I may say so myself! ;) I am patting myself on the back for keeping my priorities straight and being open-minded to change.

Week One

I wasn't able to weigh myself because my scale is possessed...likely story, I know. I got on the scale and weighed and then took a shower. After my shower, I lost almost 5 pounds. And I know I wasn't THAT dirty!! It was kinda nice though, I can't lie. This wasn't the first time my scale was indecisive though. So, I will buy a new scale and will soon have numbers posted to track my progress.
In the meantime, this is how my week went. As much as I love my kids, having all day to myself was WONDERFUL! I exercised, I ate better, I rested and I took time for me. I was happy when they were home though, I can only take so much of myself!
I have learned in the recent months that I need to be more patient with myself and not expect miraculous things to happen over night. And this is how I am approaching my weight loss. I know I have a lot of work to do and I know that I have a lot of bad habits. So, I am taking it one day at a time and making the small steps needed to reach the bigger goals. I am reading a book and it says to focus more on adding good habits into your routine rather than getting rid of bad habits. After the good habits are formed and used then the bad habits will likely disappear. I have also heard that it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. So, again, I need to be patient!
I don't know how much weight I have lost (I believe I have lost some), but I do know that I have added in some good habits this week. And, I am proud of myself for the small changes I have made and I am ready to make even bigger changes this week. BRING IT ON!

The simple goals and dreams of a fat girl...

A couple of my friends have recently made lists of goals or things that they want to accomplish by a certain time. That inspired me to do the same. The title of this post may be kinda blunt...but, those of you who know me well, shouldn't expect anything less. :) Living in an extra large body limits me A LOT. So, here are some of my goals...in no particular order.
1. Go horseback riding with Sydney and not kill the horse in the process.
2. Go to a clothing store and buy something off the normal sized rack without having to try it on.
3. Play tag with my kids and not always be "it".
4. Drive a race car.
5. Go to an amusement park and ride everything, without stressing about if I will fit into the seat and be able to get buckled.
6. Climb up the stairs at the South Point without needing paramedics to revive me at the top...let's face it, I just want to climb 10 steps without getting winded!
7. Ride a bike...comfortably.
8. Take dance lessons...like square dance or something fun
9. Go on the Boulder City zip-line.
10. Wear an ankle length skirt that doesn't get raised to a knee length because of my bubble butt.
11. Sit in a theater seat and an airplane seat with room to spare.
12. Play sports with my kids and be able to throw, hit or kick the ball farther than they can...is that wrong for a mother to say? :)
13. Be able to hang my arm out the car window without knocking out the person sitting in the backseat with my arm flap.
14. Sit on the floor and be able to get back up with NO problem.
15. Get off my medication.
16. Get rid of my C-PAP machine due to my Sleep Apnea.
17. I want to walk next to my thin friends and not look like we're the #10 walking side by side.
18. Go to a water park and not be embarrassed.
19. Feel energized and ready to take on anything.
20. GET HEALTHY.
These are just a few thing that I would like to accomplish in the very near future. Some will take longer than others, but they will all get done...for the most part. ;)