Ok...I need to vent and let it ALL out in order for me to move on!! And, this is just the place to do it.
I am throwing myself a pity party, so get prepared for some fun!
I am SO pissed off at myself right now! And, I have no one to blame but myself.
I went to WW today instead of my normal Thursday morning weigh in day. I did it mainly to get it over with and see what damage I caused. Are you ready for this??? I gained a whopping 6.4 lbs! That's right...6.4 lbs!! My awesome 5.8 weight loss last week...down the drain! GRRRR!
And, to top it all off, I knew exactly what I was doing, but I did it anyway. Who does that?!?! ME!! I am awful at "give an inch, take a mile"...I don't think the word "moderation" exists in my vocabulary.
So, this is what started it. Last Thursday was the wedding...so far so good...ate a little over my WW points, no problem. Friday started out ok...gradually got out of control. Friday night went to the M&M Factory and of course, bought M&M's (imagine that!)...first bad move! Then, went to a buffet...really NOT GOOD! All self-control...completely out the window!! Saturday...the M&M bags and I became very close...we bonded...it was love...I was hooked! It didn't matter that I wanted to throw up because the taste was too good to resist! Sunday...I'm ready to get back on track, all the chaos was coming to a close...I'm siked mentally and rarin' to go. Which is obvious if you read my last post. It's funny how quickly the tables can turn...the joys of being an emotional woman! Monday morning...still ok. I started my circuit and it felt great, but I got interrupted and then I talked myself into not finishing it. BIG MISTAKE!! That is when ALL hell broke loose!!
Since, I have been on the Go...Go...Go for a couple of months...I said to myself, "You know what, Jill. You deserve a couple days off. Don't worry about exercise or points till Thursday. After weigh in...no more excuses! Just relax, rest up and enjoy it." Well, let me just tell you...did I do just that! I ate everything I could find and a lot of it! Hence...the 6.4 lb weight gain.
So, this is why I am pissed. Why do I feel the need to completely go nuts?? I didn't need to eat like that! I could have rested by not working out and still eat healthy. But, I chose not to...and all the while asking myself, "Why are you doing this? Why are you cramming a whole pizza and 10 cookies into your mouth right now?? You are taking away the awesome weight loss you just had last week, and for what?!?" And then...I can't answer myself...I don't know how to answer myself. I am completely unfazed...I just want to eat. Something switches in my brain once I give myself a little freedom and then all my self control is gone! It is so frustrating!! I am just sick with guilt, but then, I do it again. Why?? Why?? Why?? All I can say is, thank goodness I don't drink alcohol or do drugs!
I am not someone that likes to admit that I am having problems...but, then again who does? I'm fine with having struggles...I just don't want anyone else to see them. I am at a point right now where I need to refocus...get my head back in it like it was before. I will be relying heavily on my loved ones for motivation and praise. We all need it! Some times more than others.
When I'm in my right mind...I know how well I've done and I know how much I'm capable of. I am ready for the challenges that will come while conquering this quest. And, I have the inner strength to make the right choices.
But...when I'm in my "why me?" mind...my ability to say no to temptation becomes weaker and weaker. My ability to reason the most irrational thoughts becomes stronger and stronger. And, I make excuses for everything.
I do understand that is life...so take it as an opportunity to learn. Which is what I'll do...whether I want to or not!
I am a person that won't let things drag me down! I am an open communicator and I'm not afraid to speak my mind...which gets me in trouble a lot!! I don't hold grudges. I admit when I am at fault.
These decisions that I have made were not smart. But, I will forgive myself and not let it drag me down! Live and learn, right?
My life is back to normal. I got my inner rebelliousness out of the way.
So now...I am going to put on my boxing gloves and beat the crap out of my inner demons. Grab the bull by the horns and surprise myself with what I can do!
As I said last week..."GAME ON!!" And...this time, I mean it!!
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
I'm back! Game ON!!
My month and half of chaos is now complete! WHEW!! What a whirlwind of activities, events and stress! I don't think I have ever had such a busy schedule for this long in my life!
I feel like I have been in a hole, away from all my friends and family forever. But now, it's time to reconnect with everyone and everything that have been put off for so long.
I am excited to get back to my normal exercising again! Aimee has really amped up my workouts. And, I can't wait to get started and see what this body is capable of!! :)
I am also excited to start cooking in my new kitchen and stop eating out and eating crap all the time. My mission for the next few days is getting my family back on a good routine! Which means, I need to sit down and work on meal plans, chore charts and all kinds of things to keep us organized.
I was looking back at the past 8-9 months and checking out my progress and how much weight and inches I've lost each month. It's interesting to compare numbers from month to month and see which months were better than the others. And, then try to figure out why. So here is the break down...
Month 1: Weight: -18.2 lbs Inches: -11.25
Month 2: Weight: -6.2 lbs Inches: -9.0
Month 3: Weight: -12.4 lbs Inches: -4.0
Month 4: Weight: -7.0 lbs Inches: -7.0
Month 5: Weight: -9.0 lbs Inches: -6.75
Month 6: Weight: -6.4 lbs Inches: -3.5
Month 7: Weight: -6.4 lbs Inches: -2.0
Month 8: Weight: -4.4 lbs Inches: haven't taken yet
***The measurement numbers are actually a little higher each month because I only had the measurement for one arm and one leg (not both) and I didn't have the neck measurements to figure in either.
The reason I wanted to break it down like this was because I wanted to see just how badly I did during my "funk" month and my chaotic month compared to the other months. And, honestly, I didn't do that bad. I didn't do as well...but it could have been A LOT worse! I may not have been as strict or kept to the "normal" exercise routine, but I still managed to lose weight and inches!! And, I am HAPPY with that!! :) :)
Here are a couple of pictures to compare my progress...one from a little over a year ago and one taken last week. I haven't taken too many pictures of myself recently...old habits die hard when it comes to posing for pictures. I have avoided getting in them for a long time. I guess I better get over that, if I want pictures to look back on to see my progress during this.
I feel like I have been in a hole, away from all my friends and family forever. But now, it's time to reconnect with everyone and everything that have been put off for so long.
I am excited to get back to my normal exercising again! Aimee has really amped up my workouts. And, I can't wait to get started and see what this body is capable of!! :)
I am also excited to start cooking in my new kitchen and stop eating out and eating crap all the time. My mission for the next few days is getting my family back on a good routine! Which means, I need to sit down and work on meal plans, chore charts and all kinds of things to keep us organized.
I was looking back at the past 8-9 months and checking out my progress and how much weight and inches I've lost each month. It's interesting to compare numbers from month to month and see which months were better than the others. And, then try to figure out why. So here is the break down...
Month 1: Weight: -18.2 lbs Inches: -11.25
Month 2: Weight: -6.2 lbs Inches: -9.0
Month 3: Weight: -12.4 lbs Inches: -4.0
Month 4: Weight: -7.0 lbs Inches: -7.0
Month 5: Weight: -9.0 lbs Inches: -6.75
Month 6: Weight: -6.4 lbs Inches: -3.5
Month 7: Weight: -6.4 lbs Inches: -2.0
Month 8: Weight: -4.4 lbs Inches: haven't taken yet
***The measurement numbers are actually a little higher each month because I only had the measurement for one arm and one leg (not both) and I didn't have the neck measurements to figure in either.
The reason I wanted to break it down like this was because I wanted to see just how badly I did during my "funk" month and my chaotic month compared to the other months. And, honestly, I didn't do that bad. I didn't do as well...but it could have been A LOT worse! I may not have been as strict or kept to the "normal" exercise routine, but I still managed to lose weight and inches!! And, I am HAPPY with that!! :) :)
Here are a couple of pictures to compare my progress...one from a little over a year ago and one taken last week. I haven't taken too many pictures of myself recently...old habits die hard when it comes to posing for pictures. I have avoided getting in them for a long time. I guess I better get over that, if I want pictures to look back on to see my progress during this.
This isn't the best comparison, but I don't have many pictures to choose from unfortunately.
And, let me just tell you how AWESOME it was to put on that dress, and not feel like a big, fat cow! I was tickled pink because I could actually see the difference and I could feel the difference!! It just goes to show, that these 9 months of hard work have paid off! What a GREAT feeling that is!!
Now...I am ready... to get my butt back in gear...FULL force!! It's ALL about ME again!!
Sorry if that sounds selfish, but that is what has to happen in order to get to my goal. And, by doing that, I am also getting my family back on track. So, by focusing on me...it helps my family too. If I eat well...so do they. If I get my exercise in...I have the energy to give my kids the attention that they need. When I do those things, I am happy with myself, which improves my moods...and that makes me a better and more patient mom.
So, even though I feel guilty putting myself first...I have to remember how many things it helps by doing so!! It's really hard some days. But...I am worth it!!
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Be patient.
I always feel bad when I complain that I am stressed or I have so much to do. I always feel like a whiner that can't handle a simple curve ball.
Even though I may complain when things get too busy or chaotic, I never forget what a great life that I have. When I take a look at my life, the first thing that I think is "I am SO blessed!!" I am blessed because I have a fantastic family, fantastic friends, Mike has a great job that pays well and allows me to be a stay-at-home mom comfortably, we are all in good health (and, I hope I didn't just jinx anything!), and the list goes on and on!
So, the reason I don't like to complain is because I feel like, "Really...what do I have to complain about??" But, you know what...regardless of my situation in life or how blessed that I am, I still struggle with things. I still need help. I still get stressed. I still have things that bother me. I still have selfish moments where I just want more and more. And, that is just fine. I am human.
I tend to compare myself to other people a lot. And, I am sure most of you do the same. ;) What I have come to realize that by doing that is, I lose focus on myself, my family and what works for us. Just because so and so can manage 10 kids with a husband that is never home and still looks perfectly put together and never raises her voice at her kids...doesn't mean that I should be able to do the same. I manage things the way that I manage things...there is no right or wrong...it's just my way. Plain and simple.
We all have strengths and weaknesses.
My weakness is that I have no patience. I want things done a certain way. I want things done immediately when I ask. I want my kids to act respectful at all times. I don't want to have hiccups during my weight loss. And, I want to be able to accomplish too many tasks in not enough time.
Now...my strength is...that I have common sense. I realize that everything that I just said is completely absurd and unachievable. My strength is knowing that I don't have to have the patience of Job. I just need to be able to accept mistakes. Live and learn.
Although, this month was trying on my patience and very stressful. It was necessary for me to figure things out about myself. So, I am grateful for it. I have learned that I can fail, but then still pick myself up and keep on trying. I used to say "Screw it!" and give up. But, not this time! I gained 3 weeks in a row. It made me SO mad! But, the only one to blame was myself because I was the one that didn't follow plan. I understand that. I accept that. I forgave myself. I then turned it around and had a great weigh in this week. I lost 4.2 lbs!! I still have a couple more to lose to get back to where I was, but that won't take long.
I think the biggest lesson that I learned was, that...it isn't that I need to learn patience for others, it is that I need to learn patience with myself.
This journey is taking longer than I had anticipated, but as long as I am getting good results I am ok with that. This journey is more than just numbers on a scale or tape measure, it's about growing up and it's about self discovery. Although...I still want to see those numbers drop!! And quickly too!! So much for patience, huh... ;)
Even though I may complain when things get too busy or chaotic, I never forget what a great life that I have. When I take a look at my life, the first thing that I think is "I am SO blessed!!" I am blessed because I have a fantastic family, fantastic friends, Mike has a great job that pays well and allows me to be a stay-at-home mom comfortably, we are all in good health (and, I hope I didn't just jinx anything!), and the list goes on and on!
So, the reason I don't like to complain is because I feel like, "Really...what do I have to complain about??" But, you know what...regardless of my situation in life or how blessed that I am, I still struggle with things. I still need help. I still get stressed. I still have things that bother me. I still have selfish moments where I just want more and more. And, that is just fine. I am human.
I tend to compare myself to other people a lot. And, I am sure most of you do the same. ;) What I have come to realize that by doing that is, I lose focus on myself, my family and what works for us. Just because so and so can manage 10 kids with a husband that is never home and still looks perfectly put together and never raises her voice at her kids...doesn't mean that I should be able to do the same. I manage things the way that I manage things...there is no right or wrong...it's just my way. Plain and simple.
We all have strengths and weaknesses.
My weakness is that I have no patience. I want things done a certain way. I want things done immediately when I ask. I want my kids to act respectful at all times. I don't want to have hiccups during my weight loss. And, I want to be able to accomplish too many tasks in not enough time.
Now...my strength is...that I have common sense. I realize that everything that I just said is completely absurd and unachievable. My strength is knowing that I don't have to have the patience of Job. I just need to be able to accept mistakes. Live and learn.
Although, this month was trying on my patience and very stressful. It was necessary for me to figure things out about myself. So, I am grateful for it. I have learned that I can fail, but then still pick myself up and keep on trying. I used to say "Screw it!" and give up. But, not this time! I gained 3 weeks in a row. It made me SO mad! But, the only one to blame was myself because I was the one that didn't follow plan. I understand that. I accept that. I forgave myself. I then turned it around and had a great weigh in this week. I lost 4.2 lbs!! I still have a couple more to lose to get back to where I was, but that won't take long.
I think the biggest lesson that I learned was, that...it isn't that I need to learn patience for others, it is that I need to learn patience with myself.
This journey is taking longer than I had anticipated, but as long as I am getting good results I am ok with that. This journey is more than just numbers on a scale or tape measure, it's about growing up and it's about self discovery. Although...I still want to see those numbers drop!! And quickly too!! So much for patience, huh... ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)