No surgery for now.

Just when I thought I had things figured out and a plan in action...I get hit with a curve ball. Lovely.
Time to readjust. Time to rethink. Time to figure out a different plan.
Back in the beginning of 2016, I went to the ER because I was unusually short of breath. After multiple tests, it was discovered that I had 2 blood clots in my lungs. They weren't in areas that were too obstructive, but still dangerous. I was put on blood thinners and within 6 months they had dissolved.
Since then I have been to a variety of different doctors for some reason or another. I've seen a Cardiologist to make sure my heart is ok. Thankfully it is. I've seen an Endocrinologist because of the Adenoma (benign tumor) that was discovered on my Adrenal Gland.  So far the tumor has not changed and doesn't seem to be causing any problems, all the blood work done to check my hormone levels came back normal. I've had multiple ultrasounds done on my legs due to circulation concerns and the blood clot worry whenever I fall and get gnarly bruises from it. This was all in 2016. By the end of 2016, things started to calm down.
2017 comes along. My whole family got hit hard with one thing or another. Sydney got pneumonia, Colby got strep and the flu, Mike got bronchitis and sinusitis and the flu, I got a bad cold, Brett somehow managed to get missed this go around. This was all in January and February. One thing good that came of this was Mike was finally given the green light to get surgery on his nose to fix a lifelong battle with sinus infections. So far, so good.
After dealing with all that, it was my turn to get all the medical attention again. 😒 I threw out my back, was referred to a Physical Therapist who then referred me to a Lymphedema Specialist and was then diagnosed with Lipolymphedma. Since that diagnosis, I have been dealing with different methods to control it, without much success. I had finally made the hard decision to get surgery done to get rid of the stubborn, diseased fat that is preventing me from losing weight and getting back to a more functioning body. My path seemed clear and my future looked bright. I was terrified for sure, but also excited to see what could become of my body once these surgeries were done. Things were looking good and I was happy with my decision.
Well...
So much for that plan. 😞My body had another wrench to throw in.
On Saturday morning, I woke up, went to the bathroom, walked to the living room and I felt like I had just climbed a mountain or ran a marathon. I thought to myself  'this isn't normal'. I waited it out a bit, due to my size and problems with my legs I expect to get winded, so I don't like to make a big deal over nothing. I told Mike how I was feeling and after that we both were paying close attention to how I was acting all morning and afternoon. Is it nothing? Is it blood clots again? I knew that how I was feeling was very familiar to what I felt last time I had clots, but still I didn't want to jump to conclusions. We finally decided to go to the ER just to be safe. And, of course, when I get there, I feel completely normal. I almost told Mike to just take us back home...I even started walking back to the van. But...I didn't want to explain to my mom that I decided it was nothing and then went home. Knowing that look of worry that she would have had on her face was enough to keep me there. So...I stayed.
Several hours pass by, several pokes in my arms, a chest x-ray, a chest CT scan and an ultrasound on my legs were all done. Lo and behold...Blood Clots!  I was right. This time it is 3 clots. They admit me into the hospital because it is my second occurrence with clots and they want me on a blood thinner active immediately. I spend 2 days in the hospital getting blood drawn every few hours to gauge the dose of medicine I need to keep my blood at the right consistency to prevent further clotting. They don't know where the clots are coming from. The ultrasound on my legs was inconclusive due to my body mass and not being able to get a good enough picture. I saw a Hematologist to find out if I had a blood disorder. All of my blood work from him came back normal, so no blood disorders. Which is good news. But...we still have that question of  why am I getting these blood clots?? The Hematologist has put me on blood thinners indefinitely because of my history, so no matter what the cause, the treatment will be the same. Blood thinners. I really have no need to see that doctor again.
So...that leaves us with the question of  "What about the Lipedema Liposuction? Can I still get it?"
I called the doctor in California and explained everything that is going on and he was still fine with doing the surgeries. He explained that there is a "bridge" method that he'll use to control the blood thinner before, during and after the surgery until I'm good enough to continue with my normal medication. This is good news because I still have that option available to fix that problem after I fix my current problem.
So now, my mind is all over the place...again. The risks. Are the risks worth the surgery? Blood clots are NO joke. I have been lucky twice and have not had severe problems or worse due to this. Even before finding out I have clots again, I questioned the surgery. Will it be successful? Will it cause more problems or new problems? Is it really necessary or is it a "plastic surgeon" wanting more money in his pocket? I've lost weight in the past, can I do it again? The anxiety I get just from thinking about it is driving me nuts. I worry about the plane rides back and forth...I'll need 2 seats to fit comfortably. How embarrassing is that. I worry about the actual surgery because I'll be awake during it and I know I'll be in panic mode the whole time. Especially because of my sleep apnea and how hard it is to breathe in certain positions. They said that I'll be in a heavier sedation because of that, but it still terrifies me. I'm just tired of thinking about it.
Today, I was given a blow that made my decision much easier to make. When I first began planning the surgery I was under the impression that it was a certain dollar amount for ALL the surgeries (I need 3 total). It was a steep number but still doable. Insurance does not cover it. Well, I misunderstood what they quoted and found out today that the 'steep' number is for EACH surgery. I know that Mike would do anything he could to make this happen. But, I don't want him to. Not right now. The amount I originally thought was hard enough to accept, but now that it's 3 times that amount, I can't in good conscious, spend that much money until I can get my act together. What I mean by that is...I am not blind to the fact that if I don't change my lifestyle, the surgeries will be a waste. If I don't eat healthy after the surgeries, all that fat will accumulate all over again. And, maybe worse because of how my body might react after having surgery. Bottom line...I have to grow up and follow through with changing my eating habits for good. I have been whining and complaining about the same thing for a lot of years. "I hate being fat." It's the same sob story. I know this. As an outsider looking into my life it must be very frustrating listening to the same thing over and over. Watching me attempt and fail over and over again. Trust me...I'm frustrated with this process too. But...food has that much pull over me. And, I have to figure out how to break the cycle before I allow Mike to spend that much money on what would be a temporary fix if I don't change.
I wish I understood why. I am just hoping that I can figure this out and learn to push myself and follow through with this once and for all. Less talk and more action. I can preach and go on and on about what I should do...now I just need to practice what I preach. It's time to see what I'm really capable of. 💪