Tough changes to be made.

I just don't wanna.
The constant mind wars are so exhausting.
I am a smart person. I know exactly what I need to do.
I just don't wanna.
Yes, I know. Real mature. But...I can't help it. That's how I feel.
I am beyond pissed off, disappointed, frustrated with myself. Because...yet again, I was on a great path...I was losing weight and feeling great. Then...POW! My mind goes nutso. I fell off the wagon, big time. :(
I hear all these words of advice, "Go see a therapist." "Go to an addiction meeting." "Take medication to control this or that."
I just don't wanna.
I have tried each of those in some form or fashion. And, I don't like any of them! They makes me feel like I'm more screwed up than I already am. And, that is not helpful for me. I already overthink things. The last thing that I need, is something else to make me feel even more self conscious about who I am and what I'm doing. I need to learn self confidence. I need to believe in myself. I need to be strong and make the changes that I know I need and want to make. Problem is...I am a creature of habit, so developing new habits/routines is very tough. Actually...what's tough is, being consistent and sticking with it.
My goal, all along, was to do this on my own. Meaning...I want to be in charge of how I eat, and how I exercise, and how long it takes me to reach my goal.  I am a very independent person. Many people see me as a very social person. Which in some cases I am. But...I grew up as an only child. I am very comfortable with doing things on my own. But, I have learned as I've gotten older to ask for help when I've reached my limits. I just don't feel like I'm there right now. I will ask for advice when I don't know how to do something, but then I prefer to do it myself. I don't like to feel like I'm somebody's problem or that I'm a burden on someone.
I also feel that I'm pretty aware of my state of mind and my behaviors...I hope. And, I'll do self head checks frequently. I have learned to listen to my body and make the adjustments to help better my efforts.
I will say though, I have needed this time of  'falling off the wagon' to reflect on all that I have been through and accomplished. I have discovered that some of my personality traits are hindering my progress. I don't like to be pushed. In fact, it makes me want to rebel and dig my heels in even further. I don't work well under pressure or with too much coming at me all at once. I also enjoy not having a strict schedule to live by. I really don't like having to check in with anybody. Let's just say, I prefer the laid back and calm lifestyle.
That's what I prefer.
However...I know that, if I want to complete this mission to get healthy and lose this weight, I'm going to have to make some major changes.
A lot of my routines and choices are killing my progress. So, I have pinpointed some that I need to focus on.
1. Sleep- My sleep patterns are a big problem. It's as if  I am reliving my days before I discovered I had Sleep Apnea. I eat sugar to stay awake, I'm awake and then crash, I gain weight which makes me more lethargic/tired, so I eat to stay awake. It's a vicious cycle. But, once I put myself on a set sleep schedule, it will make a world of difference. It will also help reset my cortisol levels, which I already know are out of whack.
2. Soda- I have noticed recently that soda is the #1 contributor to my water retention and bloat. My legs will swell up and feel like I'm dragging around dead and heavy weights. I never made that connection before...or maybe, I never wanted that to be the connection, so I overlooked it.
3. Structure- It's something that makes me feel restricted, which I hate. But...it is something that is necessary to ease the stress that I always have because things don't get done. When I complete a list that I have written with jobs to do, it is so rewarding. I feel accomplished and productive, and that helps lift my mood. When my mood is high, I then have the motivation to do more.
4. Wind down time- It's not good to overstimulate my brain before bed. I will play Candy Crush or whatever right before I go to bed and it takes forever to calm my mind down! I see those stupid candies in my brain...I make matches with my eyes closed. Drives me crazy!! I want to come up with a routine to calm my mind, so I can sleep deeper and not so restless.
5. Zone out time- I need time to zone out. It usually involves music. Sometimes, it is LOUD music in my car with the windows down...no kids...just me driving and singing like a fool. Sometimes, it is calming music playing while I lose myself into a project...usually with something crafty. Other times, it is getting on the floor and organizing something, going through pictures or rearranging something. Again, with music in the background.
6. Planning- I have recently set up a "menu" program with the family, that helps me plan out dinners for the week. Genius!! It has worked like a charm for several weeks. Right now it's just dinners. Small steps. Plus it was the test to see if it would help. I am now going to do the same for myself with breakfast and lunch planning once I start WW again. It will help me stay on track and not wing it so often, which results in eating poorly.
7. Exercise- I am going to stay active. I am going to treat it like a M-F job. It will be thought of, in my mind, as the necessary task to complete the hour before the store is ready for business. Yes, I was a Store Manager, this is how I function. I will be walking for sure and also do other activities that are fun, so I will enjoy it instead of dread it. I don't want to be a bodybuilder or a marathon runner. I want to be toned and fit.
8. Accountability- I will be joining WW again. This is where I will get the "therapy" "addiction group meeting" "the medication" that I'll need. I will be with "my people" who understand what goes on in my head. I will get the "rah rah's" and applause that I need to boost my self confidence and esteem. It will keep me in check with portions.
Like I said, I am smart. I know what I need to do. It will take a lot of self discipline. I will involve a lot of self pep talks. It will require compassion and patience when some days don't go as well. It will also involve lots of words of encouragement and recognition when things do go well.
I will prevail!!
I have made a promise to Brett that I will fulfill. This summer we went to Wet 'n Wild. And, I only went on one ride. I couldn't get past the feeling of everybody staring at me plus the lack of agility I had in maneuvering my body. I felt huge and clumsy. So...I watched instead. Brett, in particular, voiced his disappointment..not in a mean way. So, I promised him that next summer when we go to a water park, whether it be in Las Vegas or somewhere else, I will be thin enough to ride the rides with him.
This is my goal. In February of this year I was at my thinnest at 288 lbs, I had lost 85 lbs at that point. Since then I have put on quite a bit again...I haven't weighed yet...I'm too afraid to, really. :/ I will though, once I start WW again next week. I figure, the water parks will open next June, so that gives me roughly 9 months to work on fulfilling that promise. Considering my size and amount of weight I have to lose, I feel a reasonable goal, one that shouldn't be too overwhelming would be to lose 75 lbs. That should put me under the weight that I was at in February. If I can really wrap my head around all of the things that I listed above, there's no telling what I can accomplish!!
So...here's to...changing the "I just don't wanna" to "I'm just gonna!" I know...that was kinda silly. But, you get the idea. :D