What should I do??

What.should.I.do???
So...I have been eating everything...by mass quantities...for quite some time now.
Back in February/March I think I had an emotional breakdown. I had reached a point where,  I WAS DONE. Tired of counting...tired of exercising...tired of beating myself up for not doing more of this or not being better at that. A constant state of disappointment for no reason. I should have done more. I could have done more. This probably isn't as healthy as I should eat. I need more of those. I can't eat that anymore. 30 minutes of walking isn't strenuous enough, so it doesn't count. ETC...ETC...ETC.
After a year of those frequent thoughts it took it's toll on me. I did have good thoughts and moments of "I'm really doing a good job" too.  But, still...I will always expect more from myself.
As I have said before, I classify myself as an "Unrealistic Optimist". I have a "go-getter" attitude most of the time. Which, in a lot of cases, is good. But...I tend to bite off more than I can chew or underestimate how long something will take or how hard something will be.
Let me give you a couple of scenarios. Food... I will approach a diet with the plan of changing every bad habit that I have over night without any problems. I will eat lots of fruits...lots of veggies...I won't even have a desire to eat sugar...I will not be tempted by all those commercials...I will drive past fast food places and not even glance over...and it will be so easy. I mean, seriously...I'll picture it...in my head. And then, I'll think that it's is realistic thinking.
Same goes with exercise. I will plan out some ambitious routine. Every day I will do something. And, not just a little bit...a 1-2 hour commitment each day. Again...I picture it...in my head. It goes something like this...I wake up, FULL of energy, get the kids off to school, put my tennis shoes on and then just kick some butt. I'll start by walking or maybe even jogging for an hour...then...I do some other form of exercise! Will it be Xbox Zumba...Balance ball exercises, circuit training? Who knows?!? But, whatever it is...I'm gonna kick ass and love every second of it!!
So...this is where my "Unrealistic Optimism" smacks me in the face. I have now just set up a plan to COMPLETELY change all of my bad habits at the same time. And, I honestly think that I won't have any problem with it. But...what I'm really doing is setting myself up for disappointment. Do I think I can do all of those things? Sure I do! But, not all at the same time.
Small Steps. Keep it Simple. Moderation. Balance. I can do this. It's ok.
These words and sayings have become frequent recordings in my head. I repeat them over and over. I have to, in order to stay focused.
So...this is where I am at mentally at the moment. I have soul searched. I have come up with plans...over and over. One day, I'll be totally motivated to take this approach. And then, the next day, I will be certain that this approach is better. I am just plain confused and stuck. What do I do??
Before I had kids, I was a Store Manager for a retail store called Van Heusen...and I was a darn good one, in my opinion. I got the job done, I was organized and had a plan of action everyday. I would make a list of jobs and knock them out...usually. ;) It felt great to have a plan.
After I had kids and as I have gotten older and been my own boss so to speak, I have become very relaxed in my responsibilities. I make sure my kids are taken care of. But, the things that I have on my "mental checklist" for myself will get put on the back burner quite a bit. I'll do it tomorrow. It can wait. It's not that important.
As a Store Manager, I knew that I had certain responsibilities each day, so I did them, plain and simple. It was just part of my day. In the beginning, as a stay at home mom, it was the same thing. I still had that "Store Manager" job, I had certain responsibilities. I knew what I had to do each day. I had baby routines, then toddler routines, then baby routines again, then toddler routines again. That got me along for 9 years. Then... all my kids were in school full time. It was just me. Now what?? I'm lost. I have no set responsibilities during the day. What do I do??
That's when I started this journey. I said to myself, "Ok, Jill. You are 200 lbs overweight. It's time to take care of you." It took me about 6 months to really get started, then I jumped in full force. I had a great ride for about 6 months, then had a roller coaster ride for 6 months. Then, I had a melt down because of the degree of change that had just occurred over the past year. And now, 6 months later, and because of this breakdown, I have fallen off the wagon, gained back way too much weight.
But...during this past 6 months, I have done some major soul searching, And, I now know what I need to do.
Food. I know that I need some form of counting. It's the only way that I can do it right now...even though I get irritated by it. I have tried to use my "best judgment" but that fails every time. Question is...do I do Weight Watchers or do I do MyFitnessPal?? Points or Calories? They each have their pros and cons. With WW, I can eat fruits and veggies and not have to count anything...it's almost like having a small amount of freedom. I also have the "extra" points which is kind of like giving myself that special pass to indulge in something. With MyFitnessPal, I'll count calories which is so much easier when I'm grocery shopping. But, it feels a lot more restricted for some reason. If I go over in calories, that's it...no reserve. And, I refuse to take pills, order special meals, or go on "Fad" diets. I want real food and normal eating. And, I take enough pills so I don't want to screw up my body with any more.
Exercise. This is where having the "Store Manager daily duties" mentality will come into play. Whenever I opened the store, there were certain things I had to do in order to get the store ready for business. And, this is how I will approach exercise. Exercise will be my way of getting ready for business. I used to work 5-6 days full time in management or 3-4 days part time as an associate. So, I am going to start exercising part time at first, so I don't get burnt out too quickly. "Small steps". I am going to walk for sure, throw in some swimming and include some FUN activities. As time goes by, I will start full time by increasing the duration, frequency and difficulty levels.
This is how I feel that I can get back into the groove and not overwhelm myself too much. I can have the structure and accountability that I need without so much stress. I know that I'll have to do things that I don't want to. But...I don't have to make it unbearable and unrealistic. Just "Keep it Simple"