Growing up.

Isn't that the truth!!
I knew that deciding to lose 200 lbs wouldn't be an easy task. I knew that there would be a lot of work that needed to be done mentally and emotionally in addition to losing the actual weight. But, I never realized how much I would learn about myself. I never realized how much growing up I needed to do.
I feel that I am too concerned about trying to please others and then sometimes doing things that aren't necessarily first on my list because it was just easier. I don't like confrontation. I don't like anyone thinking bad of me. I don't want to upset anyone. In addition to that, I also have a bad habit of always wanting to be "the favorite". It doesn't matter by whom or for what reason...I want to be #1 on everybody's list. Why??  Maybe it's because I am the only child and I grew up always being #1. Or, maybe it's because I'm insecure and I need that title to feel good about myself. I don't know. But, as I get older, I am realizing that it's pretty stressful trying to live up to that expectation. And really...who cares if I'm the favorite??
The reason why I bring this up is...by me having that desire to be the favorite, it has lead me to see that some of the things that I do are motivated by that desire. I have lost...or never had...a complete connection with myself, who I am and what I want. I rely A LOT on the input of others to help me make decisions. Plus, I am very open minded and easy going which tends to leave me very vulnerable to being easily persuaded. So, that's something that I have to work on...having a better understanding of my own opinions and wants.
The past 6 months with me being on this emotional roller coaster, it has forced me to really pay attention to ME. The emotional me. What's my problem? Am I happy with how things are? And, by "things" I mean weight loss journey stuff. I have no problems with anything else. What I struggle with is how I want to proceed with the weight loss. I desperately want to lose this weight, but having such a rigorous exercise schedule isn't something that I like. I enjoy the days off to do whatever. But, is that ok? And, this is where I rely on others input to tell me if that is ok. But, what I need to do is make a decision and say "this is what I want." And, not worry about what someone else thinks. Same with food. I have NO desire to be a "health-nut". I have NO desire to eliminate anything from my diet unless it is medically necessary. If I want fast food, I'll eat it. If I want dessert, I'll eat it. I am a smart person. I know that by me making these choices it will have certain consequences. But, the most important thing is, they are my choices. I constantly have that lingering worry of disappointing someone. But, honestly, everyone in my life is so supportive and understanding that there is no need for me to worry about that. They'll still love me even if I'm making dumb choices. Live and learn right?
And, this is what I mean by growing up and learning to be ok with my own wants. I was much less stressed out when I had a more relaxed attitude about food and exercise. I have put so much pressure on myself to be this exercise maniac and then also having a "can't eat that" recording in my head, that I am driving myself crazy. RELAX.
Now...I know that I can't completely relax and throw all rules to the wind. Otherwise I will gain the weight back. There is a fine line that needs to be walked. I can't have my cake and eat it too. You like the food metaphor/analogy (whatever)?? LOL I feel it's appropriate. :D
I am not going to stress so much if I want to take a day off from exercising. It's my choice.
I am not going to stress so much about eating like a health-nut. I will make smart choices...I will watch my portions...and I will limit my crappy food intake. It's my choice.
I will also think before I overload my schedule. I have learned that it doesn't take much for me to waver from my smart choices due to stressing myself out with a busy schedule. Plus the fact I get really grouchy when I am go, go, go all the time. I enjoy getting out and doing stuff, but I also enjoy having no where to be.
And, I can't depend so much on what everyone else thinks and/or does. If I do, I lose touch with what it is that I want.
I have been in a much calmer state of mind lately. Just allowing myself to approach this weight loss journey in a less aggressive way and not overloading my schedule has alleviated a lot of stress.
I am very optimistic about my progress from here on out. I know that I will get this weight off. It may not be in the same amazing amount of time as some of those weight loss success stories that we read about, and that is just fine. Because, I am creating my own weight loss success story. And, it will be much better and a heck of a lot more realistic. It's hard. And there are a lot of challenges, setbacks and obstacles. And, there's nothin' quick about it, especially when you have as much weight to lose as I do. I just take it day by day and change what isn't working. It's a lifestyle that I'm creating. It's not a temporary diet to get the weight off, only to have learned nothing about maintaining the results in a way that I can live with forever.

 

 

 

Hormonal Wreck!

I am an emotional wreck! It's like Jekyll and Hyde some days. It's such a frustrating place to be in this journey of mine. Not at all what I thought I'd be going through, a year and half into this transformation. I seriously thought it would get easier with time. But...my hormones have literally knocked me off my feet!!
I am beyond frustrated with this crap!! It all started in February, I knew something was going on with my body and my mind, I just didn't know what. My whole life, I have been relatively pretty healthy, which has been a great blessing. Sure...I have Type 2 Diabetes and Sleep Apnea...but, neither one has really given me problems that I couldn't work through. But, what I'm going through right now is something that I've never experienced and I'm having an extremely hard time controlling myself. I don't like admitting when I'm not ok because I feel like a whiner and a hypochondriac that is making this stuff up in my head. But, let me just assure you, that I'm not making this stuff up.
It all seemed to have hit me like a ton of bricks. All of the sudden, I couldn't control my emotions and my motivation totally went out the window. Which is why I had all that blood work done and the results of that, thankfully, gave me a starting point as to what is happening with me. What I found out was that my hormones are out of balance because my cortisol levels are high...which in turn has left me with Adrenal Fatigue. It is actually a very common thing, a lot of people have experienced it at some point in their life. I'll just tell you...it SUCKS!!!
I bought this book to help me understand exactly what Adrenal Fatigue is and what I need to do to get back to normal.

What a great book!! It's very informative...I'll have to read it a couple of times to really understand it all. But...what I've read so far has explained things a lot.
One of the main things that I have been going through is weight gain...I've put on 30 lbs since the beginning of March. This has really upset me because I've worked SO hard to lose this weight. But, what this book explained to me was that... "Excessive cortisol can also stimulate your appetite, causing overeating and cravings for sugary and high-calorie fatty foods that are too strong to fight." This was comforting to read because I literally feel like I am possessed when it comes to food right now. It's far more exaggerated than my usual cravings and bad days. I CRAVE sugar...I search for it. And, I have NO desire to eat healthy.
Another issue I have been having is I can go from a great mood to an irritated or sad mood instantly. It's weird. I could be talking to Mike just like normal and a flood of emotion will take over and I can't control the tears. Or...the kids will argue just a little bit louder than normal and I lose my cool and yell...LOUDLY.  Granted...I'm not one of those saints that never yells at her kids when they get out of hand. But...this is different, it hits me like a switch and I can feel the "flip out" starting. In the book it says, "Chronic overproduction of cortisol can also lead to depression...anxiety disorders...mood swings. Impulse control and emotional equanimity can also become impaired." Now...I'm not saying that I was never moody before. I'm a woman, we're ALL moody. However, these moods are way more extreme and sudden than usual. I had actually written a post on this blog about a week ago, and I shared it like I normally do. But, something inside me was not comfortable with that post. I reread it several times and each time I felt uneasy about it...so I deleted it. It was written when I was in a bad head space, it seemed very dark to me and I don't like that. Maybe I should have kept it because it keeps it real and shows all my of my sides and thoughts. But, I didn't feel like it was written by the real me...it was an hormonally altered me. So...I got rid of it.
Another issue is the fact that I am exhausted even though I haven't done much. Grocery shopping seems like an impossible task that just sounds like too much work. I will have my "energetic" times, usually late morning, but by noonish...I crash. I was out shopping one morning, and I was doing great...finding all kinds of things that I like...I went to several different stores, no problem. But, around noon, I was walking around Home Goods, doing just fine...then all of the sudden I felt this overwhelming feeling of exhaustion. I got a headache, my body became SUPER heavy, I was irritated and ready to go and ready to go RIGHT NOW. After I got home, that was one of those days that I couldn't control my emotions. I was talking to Mike and then I couldn't stop crying. I had reached a level of whatever that got to be too much to handle. The book says, "When your adrenals are fatigued, you'll feel chronically tired. Cortisol plays a key role in balancing blood sugar, so it helps your body manage your daily ebbs and flows of energy."
I won't even begin to talk about my memory and ability to concentrate and focus. It's a joke...almost non-existent.
The hardest thing for me to accept about this, is the fact that my hormones are seriously throwing me for a loop. I'm not used to dealing with something that I can't control with pep-talks or whatever. This is new territory for me. All I know is...that I need to get it under control ASAP!! I miss my old self!! I miss having the excitement to exercise and KILL it!! I miss the desire to count my calories and then looking forward to posting my weight loss numbers. Now, I'm just ashamed and disappointed in myself and I just want to go hide under a rock until this all goes away.
I haven't finished reading the book yet. It also explains how to treat Adrenal Fatigue with steps on how to manage the stresses in life and how to eat in a way that will best benefit the recovery of the adrenal glands. So, in the meantime, I just have to be super aware of my limits and take care of myself in a different way.
This has definitely put a wrench in my progress and completely changed where I had envisioned I'd be in my journey at this point. But...oh well...such is life. I will roll with the punches and make the adjustments necessary to push through and see this to the end...no matter how long it takes. It's just one of those speed bumps that we all hate.