Suck it up and face the music.

Have you ever went on vacation and had so much fun you didn't want to come home and have to go back to work?
This is where I am at right now. I have taken my "mental break" aka "vacation" from counting my calories and exercising 5 days a week. It was a very nice break although it was also very damaging.
I managed to put on over 20 lbs during this break. I know...I know...I say that "it's ok...I need the break...I'll get that weight back off, no problem!" Well...let me just tell you how hard it is for me to get back into the routine that I need to be in!!
I keep going through these phases...these reckless phases of making a huge mess that I end up having to clean up. And for what??? So I can eat like a pig and make myself feel miserable! Why??
My whole adult life I have only had the sensation or feeling of being heavy...then heavier...then heavier...until I eventually ended up being 200 lbs heavier in a matter of 15 years, most of which was within the last 9 years. So, I have had a lifestyle for 15+ years of eating everything I want, which was, poorly, frequently and in grand proportions. Not to mention, 15+ years of basically sitting on my butt. That's a long time to ingrain a much enjoyed lifestyle into my brain. So, for me to expect myself to turn around and completely change 15+ years of bad habits in a matter of months...is absurd! BUT... that is EXACTLY what I want to do. And, I am very frustrated that it's NOT that easy!! I want it to be easy! I am not good at sticking with things that start to get too hard.
This is how I see it...right now, I am coddling myself too much. I have reached a point that I am very uncomfortable with and I am scared. As I have said in some of my previous posts...I am at a point that I need to make some serious changes. And, it is freaking me out!! Just thinking about all the foods...and yes, it's the food part that has me so freaked out...just thinking about how drastically I need to change the way I eat, is like stripping away my security blanket. How am I going to do this? How will I enjoy life? Will I ever be able to eat freely without going overboard? Yes...I know...I am being VERY dramatic. But in my over-thinking mind, this is what I think.
The way that I have been behaving lately whenever I start to really buckle down and make that leap is almost one of panic. I will go into a survival mode and then eat as much junk as I can...because "I'll never be able to eat it again" or so I think. I will have those days, that turn into weeks and now has turned into over a month of this behavior. If I'm not careful and don't get myself out of this mindset, I will gain all this weight back. And, I DO NOT want that.
One thing that I have in my corner now is, I finally have that feeling of getting lighter...and then lighter...and having those small victories...and then another small victory. Those feelings are AWESOME! And...that is what I need to focus on. I have to redirect my thoughts of panic and remember how wonderful it was, to buckle that seatbelt with out an extension...how exhilarating it was, to be able to race with my family in that Go-Kart...how excited I was, to fit in that roller coaster seat...how nice it is, to be able to hold my husband closer and closer...how rewarding it is, to fit in smaller clothes. Those are the things I need to think about in order to get myself back on track. And, that is exactly what I'll do.
Bottom line, in all honesty is...I wish I could eat the way I have always known without having to worry about it. But...that is my unrealistic self talking, and I know that. Now, the more logical and straight forward self is saying, "Get over it and grow up! Do you want to be a prisoner in your own body? Or do you want to quit your bitching and face the music?" And...the answer is...**with my head hanging low, in a bummed out tone** "I guess I'll face the music and quit my bitchin'. Damn it."
So there it is. I'm gonna put my big girl panties on, roll up my sleeves and git 'er done!
I CAN DO HARD THINGS. I AM STRONG. I WILL SUCCEED.