I decided to review all of my weigh-in's since I started this adventure. And, I have mixed feelings as to what I saw. Right now, I am at the same weight that I was back in August of 2012. All of the progress that I have made over the past 8 months...as far as weight loss is concerned...has went down the drain. That is a hard pill for me to swallow. And it, honestly, really pisses me off. There were 4 months of those 8, where I actually gained weight.
So...this, of course...makes me take a good hard look at what has been going on over these 8 months. I was on a great path from January 2012-July 2012. But, it all started to slowly get out of control in September. That is when we moved to our new house. Apparently, this transition was a lot harder on me than I thought. I had a good thing going at the other house. Although, I didn't think so at the time. But, I was comfortable there and I had my routine. Once we moved though...it seemed like all hell broke loose! It started with the actual move itself. The idea of moving was planned, but it ended up happening a lot faster than we had anticipated. I didn't have much time to prepare myself. We also had a lot of extra events happening at the same time...all of which were good though. It's just that, those events combined with the move, threw any ounce of my familiar routine, out the window. And, seeing as this weight loss journey was already challenging for me...the sudden change of "normal" life, made it almost unmanageable. However, I did manage to somewhat maintain my weight. There were lots of gains and then losses...lots of yo-yoing.
When I finally got my weigh-in's a little more under control, the holiday's came along. And, I got lazy...I ate more and exercised less. The new year came and I started to get back on a pretty good path. I was still struggling with the eating, but I was really trying hard to not let it get out of control. And, for awhile it was working. But, by the time March hit...my brain was fried! I was SO tired of thinking about food and calculating everything. I wanted a break!!
This break...I'm not so sure it was a good thing. But...it was necessary.
People that don't have a weight problem, don't understand how much food consumes the thoughts of those of us that do. I constantly think about food, whether I'm hungry or not. When I'm eating a meal...I'm already thinking about the next meal. If we go to an activity...sports games, playing at the park, running errands, etc...I need to make sure that snacks are planned out. It's like, if a couple of hours pass by...I need to eat!! My kids need to eat!! And, if they say that they're not hungry...it's unfathomable to me. "Really?? You're not hungry??" And because of this...I have developed such a warped dependence on food that I really don't know how to function otherwise.
This is why I needed a break. I went from total dependence on food with the self-given freedom to eat what I want...to complete restriction of what I ate and also viewing food as the enemy. This created such a mind war that, I think, it finally made me go a little crazy. Which explains the very large weight gain over the past few weeks. I am frustrated at the fact that the vision I had in my head of where I would be by this point, seems so far away still. It all comes down to "choice and accountability". I've made these choices and now I have to pay the price.
So...I am now at a point where I need tough love. Aimee has been compassionate and understanding with my unstable emotional state over the past month and she has 'stroked my hair' so to speak...to help me get through this. But now...it's back to business. She's tightening the reins and pulling me back on the track. She knows that I need threats to help me push myself to do things I don't want to. Which is exactly what she's doing. Burpee's! I hate Burpee's and she knows it. So...those are what's being threatened when I don't complete an assignment.
The great thing about me is...I can get really down on myself and throw spoiled brat fits...but I always come back around. I have no problem with analyzing my behaviors and admitting when I'm being stupid. Sometimes it takes longer than others, but I DO come back around. And, usually more determined than before.
I have worked too hard to piss ALL my progress away. So what if I have to re-lose 25 lbs! When I really focus on what I need to do...that'll come off in no time! I have had enough time to "regroup" and have my emotional breakdowns. I am learning to keep my priorities straight even when my life feels like it's in complete chaos. Just take a deep breath and stay focused on the goal.
"I am a work in progress" "I am strong" "I am changing my life" I CAN DO THIS!!
2 comments:
You are a success story! My private battle currently is the credit card balance. It goes up, goes down, i pay and then focus. A holiday or kid/grandkid birthday comes along which distracts me and it goes back up. Each of us is bouncing along in life. Jill, don't get too discouraged. Its all part of Heavenly Father's plan to teach us. "Where you treasure is there your heart is also" we are supposed to make God our treasure. He already knows our value but trying to teach us that principle is tough coz we are so HUMAN. It can be done. You inspire so many of us.i can't imagine you difficult your battle is but watching you win is awesome! You're a winner and not in a Charlie Sheen kind of way! Hugs.
Mary is right. We are all human and some days that just down right sucks. Especially when we get a glimpse of who we can be but ourselves are standing in the way. :( You are doing such amazing things! Keep your eye on the prize (you) and know that we are all rooting for you. You have got this!!!!
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