The Results Are In...

When I made the decision to lose weight and get healthy, I was scared. I had to have a heart to heart talk with myself..."Can I do it?", "Will I stick with it?", "Am I going to disappoint everyone again?", "Am I ready to push myself?". And, I was honest with myself. I know that I can talk till I'm blue in the face and say that I'm going to lose weight. But...do I mean it?...Will I follow through with it? Or...is this just another episode of me blowing smoke again? Bottom line was, I knew that I had to do some major soul searching and really convince myself that, this isn't just a quick fix. This decision will be one that is life changing. Am I ready for that?
And...the answer was..."DAMN straight I am!!" I went into this whole heartedly, with a determination that I have never had. It has been such a rewarding experience and I know it will continue to be. I have accomplished so many things that I thought I never could. What an awesome feeling it has been to not only lose weight, but to continue to do so and not give up. Follow through and sticking with something that is really hard...not my strong suit. But...I'm doing it.
About 2 months ago, I started to feel, not like myself...almost like my head was going loopy. I've had setbacks and weeks that I just wanted a little break. But this was something different and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I was worried for awhile that I was having anxiety problems because everything was bothering me...more than usual. I was an emotional wreck. I wanted to eat everything I saw and a lot of it...and I really didn't care. My desire to exercise wasn't there. Thank goodness for Aimee, because if she wasn't in the picture, I don't know where I'd be right now. She's the one I answer to. She's the one that keeps me focused.
Because of all this, Aimee suggested getting my hormones checked. So, I went and saw her doctor (mine was less than impressive) and gave her my whole life history. She then ordered up all kinds of blood work and also a saliva test to check my cortisol levels. When the results came back, there were a few red flags, but she wanted to retake that blood work before she made any changes. Two weeks ago, the second round of results were in, including the saliva test. This is what we found out. My cortisol levels are out of whack. Cortisol is the stress hormone, and right now, my body is not able to manage stress the way it's supposed to. The cortisol level is supposed to start high in the morning (high energy) and then gradually slope down throughout the day (so your sleepy and ready for bed). Well...mine starts low (no energy), rises till about noon (I'm great, and raring to go), crashes until about 5 or 6 (all I want to do is sleep), then levels out at a high level till bedtime (my most alert time).
The doctor and I were talking about my lifestyle and all my habits. I told her that I usually go to bed real late, wake up at least once to go to the bathroom because of taking my water pill before bed, and get up early for the kids. She said that my lack of "quality" sleep is one of the main contributors to my problem. I have since, been going to bed earlier...trying to get 8 hours of sleep...and I now take my water pill in the morning so I don't get up during the night.
I found out that I have what is called "Adrenal Fatigue". When I looked at the symptoms of this...I nailed a good portion of them. Adrenal Fatigue is brought on by stress...all kinds of stress. And, the most important anti-stress hormone in the body is cortisol. So...since my cortisol levels are out of whack...my body's ability to handle stress is out of whack. Which explains why I feel like I'm going nuts with all my highs and lows.
I am going to quote an article that I read, mainly because they say it better than I can. :)
 "Cortisol works to normalize blood sugar and to suppress the immune system to keep white blood cells from attacking healthy cells...cortisol is the primary regulator of the body's defenses...one of the most common overlooked causes of Adrenal Fatigue is a chronic or severe infection that gives rise to an inflammatory response. Frequently, these infections can reside within the body with no obvious signs....Adrenal Fatigue is the result of acute, severe, or chronic excessive stress that a person's body is unable to properly combat. The ability of the human body to handle physical and emotional stress is essential to human survival, and we have been given a full set of tools to combat stress in the adrenal glands. But when the adrenal glands are not operating efficiently or correctly, the body will begin to handle stress less effectively and symptoms will begin to make their presence known."
One of the reasons why this article jumped out at me was because my white blood cell count was high on both of the blood work results. My doctor said, that means I have an infection somewhere, but she can't see anything based on the blood work as to where. I told her that my allergies have been awful lately and the right side of my head will get sharp headaches and my right ear bothers me a lot... maybe that is this "mysterious" infection. So, she gave me meds to help fight it, just in case that is the culprit. It says in the article that infections can reside in the body without obvious signs. Now it's just trying to find out what's causing my white blood cell count to be high. Because if I have an infection then that will cause stress on my adrenal glands.
When I try to figure out what other kinds of stress I have...the first thing that comes to mind is the aggressive exercise routine I have maintained over this whole journey. My body went from 34 years of not much exercise to a year straight of doing a lot of very challenging workouts on a regular basis. That, for sure, could cause my body's chemistry to change.
I've had a few other stressful things happen over this year, but they were short lived. I also have the stress of balancing kids, home, church and myself...but that's nothing new.
I think just the combination of all the short lived stresses and daily routine stresses compounded with the complete shock to my body due to the weight loss and exercise...in addition to a possible hidden infection...that was enough for my body to step on the brakes and knock me over.
So, based on everything that I've read and been told, all I should have to do is allow my adrenal glands the chance to rest and get back on track. That doesn't mean that I am going to sit on my butt everyday! It just means that I have to be more cautious with what I do until they get better. Unfortunately, this could be a lengthy process.
You know...this whole thing, just makes me laugh though because I am NOT a very sympathetic person. So, it is hard for me to believe that I can't just "suck it up" like I normally do. The fact that there really is something causing my head to be loopy is actually very surprising yet strangely comforting. I thought that this was all in my head, and I needed to just get over it and push through it. But apparently, this issue was making that VERY difficult for me to do. So, psychologically, this diagnosis was a good thing. Now that I know what the problem is, I can deal with this setback better. I can be more compassionate and patient with the fact that it's not just lack of willpower that's causing my weight gain. I am dealing with hormones and that can cause all kinds of mood swings.
So, right now, Aimee wants me to just focus on maintaining my weight until I can get a handle on my emotions. This is very aggravating to say the least. I don't want it to take any longer to lose all this weight. But... I have to deal with the cards that are dealt and make the best of it. Ultimately, my key goal is good health. So, sometimes that means paying attention to details, other than weight loss, to achieve that goal.
I WILL PREVAIL!
I have to get another round of blood work in a month...hopefully that will bring good news. I have already felt the difference that getting more sleep has made. And, I try to be aware of my schedule, so I don't bite off more than I can chew. I am cutting back on my exercise a little. I still see Aimee 3x a week, but the other days, I will listen to my body and scale back if I need to.
I know that all of these little changes will help me "get in my right mind" again, so I can get back to losing weight and get my body back to good health.

 

A bumpy road to success.

I decided to review all of my weigh-in's since I started this adventure. And, I have mixed feelings as to what I saw. Right now, I am at the same weight that I was back in August of 2012. All of the progress that I have made over the past 8 months...as far as weight loss is concerned...has went down the drain. That is a hard pill for me to swallow. And it, honestly, really pisses me off. There were 4 months of those 8, where I actually gained weight.
So...this, of course...makes me take a good hard look at what has been going on over these 8 months. I was on a great path from January 2012-July 2012. But, it all started to slowly get out of control in September. That is when we moved to our new house. Apparently, this transition was a lot harder on me than I thought. I had a good thing going at the other house. Although, I didn't think so at the time. But, I was comfortable there and I had my routine. Once we moved though...it seemed like all hell broke loose! It started with the actual move itself. The idea of moving was planned, but it ended up happening a lot faster than we had anticipated. I didn't have much time to prepare myself. We also had a lot of extra events happening at the same time...all of which were good though. It's just that, those events combined with the move, threw any ounce of my familiar routine, out the window. And, seeing as this weight loss journey was already challenging for me...the sudden change of "normal" life, made it almost unmanageable. However, I did manage to somewhat maintain my weight. There were lots of gains and then losses...lots of yo-yoing.
When I finally got my weigh-in's a little more under control, the holiday's came along. And, I got lazy...I ate more and exercised less. The new year came and I started to get back on a pretty good path. I was still struggling with the eating, but I was really trying hard to not let it get out of control. And, for awhile it was working. But, by the time March hit...my brain was fried! I was SO tired of thinking about food and calculating everything. I wanted a break!!
This break...I'm not so sure it was a good thing. But...it was necessary.
People that don't have a weight problem, don't understand how much food consumes the thoughts of those of us that do. I constantly think about food, whether I'm hungry or not. When I'm eating a meal...I'm already thinking about the next meal. If we go to an activity...sports games, playing at the park, running errands, etc...I need to make sure that snacks are planned out. It's like, if a couple of hours pass by...I need to eat!! My kids need to eat!! And, if they say that they're not hungry...it's unfathomable to me. "Really?? You're not hungry??" And because of this...I have developed such a warped dependence on food that I really don't know how to function otherwise.
This is why I needed a break. I went from total dependence on food with the self-given freedom to eat what I want...to complete restriction of what I ate and also viewing food as the enemy. This created such a mind war that, I think, it finally made me go a little crazy. Which explains the very large weight gain over the past few weeks. I am frustrated at the fact that the vision I had in my head of where I would be by this point, seems so far away still. It all comes down to "choice and accountability". I've made these choices and now I have to pay the price.
So...I am now at a point where I need tough love. Aimee has been compassionate and understanding with my unstable emotional state over the past month and she has 'stroked my hair' so to speak...to help me get through this. But now...it's back to business. She's tightening the reins and pulling me back on the track. She knows that I need threats to help me push myself to do things I don't want to. Which is exactly what she's doing. Burpee's! I hate Burpee's and she knows it. So...those are what's being threatened when I don't complete an assignment.
The great thing about me is...I can get really down on myself and throw spoiled brat fits...but I always come back around. I have no problem with analyzing my behaviors and admitting when I'm being stupid. Sometimes it takes longer than others, but I DO come back around. And, usually more determined than before.
I have worked too hard to piss ALL my progress away. So what if I have to re-lose 25 lbs! When I really focus on what I need to do...that'll come off in no time! I have had enough time to "regroup" and have my emotional breakdowns. I am learning to keep my priorities straight even when my life feels like it's in complete chaos. Just take a deep breath and stay focused on the goal.
"I am a work in progress" "I am strong" "I am changing my life" I CAN DO THIS!!

 

 

Suck it up and face the music.

Have you ever went on vacation and had so much fun you didn't want to come home and have to go back to work?
This is where I am at right now. I have taken my "mental break" aka "vacation" from counting my calories and exercising 5 days a week. It was a very nice break although it was also very damaging.
I managed to put on over 20 lbs during this break. I know...I know...I say that "it's ok...I need the break...I'll get that weight back off, no problem!" Well...let me just tell you how hard it is for me to get back into the routine that I need to be in!!
I keep going through these phases...these reckless phases of making a huge mess that I end up having to clean up. And for what??? So I can eat like a pig and make myself feel miserable! Why??
My whole adult life I have only had the sensation or feeling of being heavy...then heavier...then heavier...until I eventually ended up being 200 lbs heavier in a matter of 15 years, most of which was within the last 9 years. So, I have had a lifestyle for 15+ years of eating everything I want, which was, poorly, frequently and in grand proportions. Not to mention, 15+ years of basically sitting on my butt. That's a long time to ingrain a much enjoyed lifestyle into my brain. So, for me to expect myself to turn around and completely change 15+ years of bad habits in a matter of months...is absurd! BUT... that is EXACTLY what I want to do. And, I am very frustrated that it's NOT that easy!! I want it to be easy! I am not good at sticking with things that start to get too hard.
This is how I see it...right now, I am coddling myself too much. I have reached a point that I am very uncomfortable with and I am scared. As I have said in some of my previous posts...I am at a point that I need to make some serious changes. And, it is freaking me out!! Just thinking about all the foods...and yes, it's the food part that has me so freaked out...just thinking about how drastically I need to change the way I eat, is like stripping away my security blanket. How am I going to do this? How will I enjoy life? Will I ever be able to eat freely without going overboard? Yes...I know...I am being VERY dramatic. But in my over-thinking mind, this is what I think.
The way that I have been behaving lately whenever I start to really buckle down and make that leap is almost one of panic. I will go into a survival mode and then eat as much junk as I can...because "I'll never be able to eat it again" or so I think. I will have those days, that turn into weeks and now has turned into over a month of this behavior. If I'm not careful and don't get myself out of this mindset, I will gain all this weight back. And, I DO NOT want that.
One thing that I have in my corner now is, I finally have that feeling of getting lighter...and then lighter...and having those small victories...and then another small victory. Those feelings are AWESOME! And...that is what I need to focus on. I have to redirect my thoughts of panic and remember how wonderful it was, to buckle that seatbelt with out an extension...how exhilarating it was, to be able to race with my family in that Go-Kart...how excited I was, to fit in that roller coaster seat...how nice it is, to be able to hold my husband closer and closer...how rewarding it is, to fit in smaller clothes. Those are the things I need to think about in order to get myself back on track. And, that is exactly what I'll do.
Bottom line, in all honesty is...I wish I could eat the way I have always known without having to worry about it. But...that is my unrealistic self talking, and I know that. Now, the more logical and straight forward self is saying, "Get over it and grow up! Do you want to be a prisoner in your own body? Or do you want to quit your bitching and face the music?" And...the answer is...**with my head hanging low, in a bummed out tone** "I guess I'll face the music and quit my bitchin'. Damn it."
So there it is. I'm gonna put my big girl panties on, roll up my sleeves and git 'er done!
I CAN DO HARD THINGS. I AM STRONG. I WILL SUCCEED.