Low Self Esteem...Feelings of Inadequacy

Being put under a micro-scope is a very stressful way to live. I am guilty of doing this to myself. I nit-pick at everything that I do, and it is exhausting! I am currently in a pretty crappy emotional head space and I brought it all on myself. I put so much pressure on myself to be the best at everything that I do, which in all reality, that is what we should all strive for. Problem is...when I don't perform the way that I feel "the best" is, I beat myself up emotionally. And, honestly...I don't really know what "best" is. All I know is...that in my mind, I never get there.
I have ALWAYS had a problem with low self-esteem. And, it's not from my parents or my husband. They are my rocks and are so supportive and complimentary. It is a characteristic that is part of my personality. I may appear strong to most, but I am always insecure about the things that I do...the things that I know...the things that I say. I probably drive Mike nuts with constantly asking him to tell me what to do or if I'm doing what's right. I am not secure in my decisions most of the time, so I need reassurance for a lot. I question myself constantly in just about every aspect of life. I ask for guidance all the time because of my insecurities.
Here are a few examples of areas in which I second guess myself...
Politics. I don't follow politics much. It gives me a headache and I don't understand most of what is being said. So, during election time I relied on Mike and my parents to "dumb it down" for me. Give me a 5 minute low down on the positives and negatives of both parties. Which they did the best they could at helping me understand all the issues in debate. But, even with that, I was seriously considering not voting because I wasn't secure with my choice. I felt that I was doing a disservice by voting for something I didn't feel very informed about. I didn't want to vote the "wrong" person and explain why I voted that way. What I really wanted was for them to tell me who to vote for. Problem was...they didn't agree. SO...that totally screwed me up!! Now, I have to choose for myself and then feel like I didn't "listen" to one of them. This is where low self-esteem sucks. I can't even be ok with my own decision of who to vote for.
Church. I feel completely inadequate at church most of the time. I was blessed with the ability to FORGET everything I read and study almost immediately. And, let me just tell you how frustrating that is. I have a calling where I teach these sweet little kids and I end up learning more from them than they do from me. How is that right? I talk to my friends and other members and they are able to rattle off scriptures and give great references to different scenarios. I know I expect too much of myself most of the time, but I just wish I could retain all these great lessons that I've learned. Maybe then I can feel like I am contributing something.
My kids. My responsibilities. My job as a stay-at-home mom. Where do I begin. I want my kids to excel at everything they do. So, am I doing a good job at being their mom if they don't? I spend too much time on creating charts and timelines to try to keep our household perfectly organized. Why?? I agree with a calendar, so we know what activities we have. I agree with a meal plan so we know what's for dinner. Although, I need to simplify this one. But, really...I just enjoy being laid back. I enjoy getting the work done without the feel of a drill sergeant breathing down my neck. Is that ok? This is what I question. I second guess myself at how I run my own household. Why?? Most likely it is because I am constantly seeing how "wonderful" and "put together" other moms are with their charts and perfectly behaved children. Pinterest is a huge self-esteem killer! It has great ideas for a lot of things. But...it also has an effect on how I view myself. Am I good enough?? Look what they do...I need to do that. I was perfectly happy with my un-scheduled, un-charted, un-meal-planned life. So now...again...I feel inadequate.
My weight loss journey. Emotionally, I am struggling. As I'm sure you've gathered so far by reading this post. LOL. :) So, getting past this, is my biggest concern right now. I am not making much progress physically because I am focusing a lot on my thoughts and hang-ups. I am working on not being so hard on myself. I have to stop "discounting the positives" which means...I need to be happy with all progress. Even if it's not what I feel is "the best". I need to acknowledge all the work I do and give myself credit. My constant state of disapproval and feeling like I should have done more...weighs on me after awhile, which causes my emotional downward spiral. And, that leads to eating. I go through these stages, they usually don't last long. I cry, have my little pity party, do some soul searching, find my inner peace and get over it. Expressing myself is the first step, it helps to let it all out. Sorry for this post being so depressing because of that.
Journey...that is exactly what this is. I am working hard at transforming all areas, not just my waistline. If I am healthy emotionally...everything else will fall into place. I am NOT giving up!! Whether it takes 2 years or 5 years...I WILL conquer this. I WILL reach my goals!!
I am so grateful for all the awesome people in my life that offer so much encouragement and support and cheer me on!! It makes a HUGE difference!! Thank you! Thank you!