Following through till the end. Focus.

Follow through. Or lack thereof. That is probably what my biggest obstacle is in getting to any of the goals that I set for myself.
I notice it more and more. And, it is becoming more and more of a problem. I have always had big dreams...ambitious goals...and lots of desires. But...I have also struggled with lack of patience and getting bored easily. I was like this as a kid too. My mom would get me toys and I'd lose interest right away and not play with it anymore.
I am great at talking and coming up with grand ideas. But...I am lousy at following through with a lot of things that I say I'm going to do. I lose interest. I find something better...repeatedly. It drives my family nuts because they never know what to expect. My mind changes minute to minute. I'll create a routine that seems perfect...then I'll change it. Why?? I don't know. I get bored. I like to liven things up. I don't want to feel restricted.
I yearn for a life that doesn't feel so chaotic. Problem is...I am the one that makes it chaotic. If I could just stick with what I know works, things would feel a lot less stressful for me.
I'll close my eyes and visualize exactly how I want my days/weeks to go. I mean, I know how I operate best, I know what works best for my family...I know, I know, I know. So...why can't I just stick with it. Answer is...focus issues or better known as, ADD. Which, I hate using that as an excuse. But, honestly, it's quite accurate. My attention span is sometimes non-existent. And, that makes it so hard for me to create a routine...because I get bored. I feel like I always have to change things. This is one main reason why dieting and exercise is such a struggle for me. The other reason is...I just don't like it and I don't want to do it. But, we'll look past that one. LOL! ;)
Now, going back to lack of focus and follow through. Any diet or exercise plan requires planning. I need to think ahead and plan out what I am going to eat and figure out how many points that will be. I need to plan out what kind of exercising I'm going to do and when and where and how long. Seems pretty simple right? Well...for my brain...it is FAR from simple. To be able to sit down and focus long enough to complete my planning...is torture! I lose focus...I get bored...my attention gets distracted in a million different directions. And...if my brain cooperates, and that is a big if...if, I am able to create a plan...most likely I'll want to change it. Because, well...I don't know. Now can you see my problem?!? Frustrating.
I am trying, I really am. But, my brain shuts down. Then I get irritated and say "Screw it!" So, how do I settle down my brain, so I can get to my goals. And, how can I convince my brain that I don't need to change everything over and over, especially if it's working!
This has been my battle for years! This is why I lose weight and then gain it back. I am going to go back to the doctor and really try to figure out how to help this. I was with the same doctor for years and switched earlier this year to another doctor that took lots of blood work and saw some red flags, but she wasn't on our insurance and I never followed through with our findings to search for remedies. Imagine that...I didn't follow through. LOL. So, I am going to try a new doctor and have them evaluate my current medication, and see if I need to add more or whatever. It scares me though, because I really don't like medicines. Who knows what kinds of side effects they'll bring. But...on the flip side, it may be the answer to my prayers. I really want something to be able to help me focus and stop being such a worrier. Plus, my memory SUCKS and that also scares me because my grandma just passed away from Alzheimer's disease and I've heard that it runs through the mother's genes...and she is my maternal grandmother.
I have rejoined WW, I started last week. I am determined to get this weight off and get my body healthy again. I am taking it day by day. I am being compassionate with myself, yet still forcing myself to get my act in gear. It's a fine line. I was very nervous to get on the scale because I knew how well I was taking care of myself over the past several months. I wasn't exercising and I certainly wasn't watching what I ate. So...this is where I am at right now...I weighed in at 358.4 lbs. Very disappointed and frustrated with myself to say the least. At my lowest, in February or March, I was 288 lbs. I have gained back 70 lbs in 6 months. Which, also worries me and urges me even more to see the doctor again. I know that I ate like crap, but that is a lot of weight to gain back in a short amount of time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to make excuses, I will take full responsibility for my actions. I'm just curious to see if there are other reasons why I put back on so much weight. On the plus side though, I am still lighter than where I was when I began this journey. So...that's good.
My goals...
1. To eat better. Add in the fruits and veggies. Tremendously cut down the sugar and soda. Not ready to omit it just yet.
2. To move more. I retain water like crazy and I know walking and swimming help. I will incorporate more when I feel I'm ready.
3. To sleep longer and better. If I stay active and drink no caffeine, I'll sleep better. If I go to bed earlier, that will allow my mind to rest longer which will hopefully help my focus issues.
4. To set up a weekly routine and follow through with it. Then make it a 2 week routine. Force myself to be content and be ok with not changing things so often.
5. Have fun. Stop being so hard on myself. :)
Small steps. Keep it Simple. It can be done.

Tough changes to be made.

I just don't wanna.
The constant mind wars are so exhausting.
I am a smart person. I know exactly what I need to do.
I just don't wanna.
Yes, I know. Real mature. But...I can't help it. That's how I feel.
I am beyond pissed off, disappointed, frustrated with myself. Because...yet again, I was on a great path...I was losing weight and feeling great. Then...POW! My mind goes nutso. I fell off the wagon, big time. :(
I hear all these words of advice, "Go see a therapist." "Go to an addiction meeting." "Take medication to control this or that."
I just don't wanna.
I have tried each of those in some form or fashion. And, I don't like any of them! They makes me feel like I'm more screwed up than I already am. And, that is not helpful for me. I already overthink things. The last thing that I need, is something else to make me feel even more self conscious about who I am and what I'm doing. I need to learn self confidence. I need to believe in myself. I need to be strong and make the changes that I know I need and want to make. Problem is...I am a creature of habit, so developing new habits/routines is very tough. Actually...what's tough is, being consistent and sticking with it.
My goal, all along, was to do this on my own. Meaning...I want to be in charge of how I eat, and how I exercise, and how long it takes me to reach my goal.  I am a very independent person. Many people see me as a very social person. Which in some cases I am. But...I grew up as an only child. I am very comfortable with doing things on my own. But, I have learned as I've gotten older to ask for help when I've reached my limits. I just don't feel like I'm there right now. I will ask for advice when I don't know how to do something, but then I prefer to do it myself. I don't like to feel like I'm somebody's problem or that I'm a burden on someone.
I also feel that I'm pretty aware of my state of mind and my behaviors...I hope. And, I'll do self head checks frequently. I have learned to listen to my body and make the adjustments to help better my efforts.
I will say though, I have needed this time of  'falling off the wagon' to reflect on all that I have been through and accomplished. I have discovered that some of my personality traits are hindering my progress. I don't like to be pushed. In fact, it makes me want to rebel and dig my heels in even further. I don't work well under pressure or with too much coming at me all at once. I also enjoy not having a strict schedule to live by. I really don't like having to check in with anybody. Let's just say, I prefer the laid back and calm lifestyle.
That's what I prefer.
However...I know that, if I want to complete this mission to get healthy and lose this weight, I'm going to have to make some major changes.
A lot of my routines and choices are killing my progress. So, I have pinpointed some that I need to focus on.
1. Sleep- My sleep patterns are a big problem. It's as if  I am reliving my days before I discovered I had Sleep Apnea. I eat sugar to stay awake, I'm awake and then crash, I gain weight which makes me more lethargic/tired, so I eat to stay awake. It's a vicious cycle. But, once I put myself on a set sleep schedule, it will make a world of difference. It will also help reset my cortisol levels, which I already know are out of whack.
2. Soda- I have noticed recently that soda is the #1 contributor to my water retention and bloat. My legs will swell up and feel like I'm dragging around dead and heavy weights. I never made that connection before...or maybe, I never wanted that to be the connection, so I overlooked it.
3. Structure- It's something that makes me feel restricted, which I hate. But...it is something that is necessary to ease the stress that I always have because things don't get done. When I complete a list that I have written with jobs to do, it is so rewarding. I feel accomplished and productive, and that helps lift my mood. When my mood is high, I then have the motivation to do more.
4. Wind down time- It's not good to overstimulate my brain before bed. I will play Candy Crush or whatever right before I go to bed and it takes forever to calm my mind down! I see those stupid candies in my brain...I make matches with my eyes closed. Drives me crazy!! I want to come up with a routine to calm my mind, so I can sleep deeper and not so restless.
5. Zone out time- I need time to zone out. It usually involves music. Sometimes, it is LOUD music in my car with the windows down...no kids...just me driving and singing like a fool. Sometimes, it is calming music playing while I lose myself into a project...usually with something crafty. Other times, it is getting on the floor and organizing something, going through pictures or rearranging something. Again, with music in the background.
6. Planning- I have recently set up a "menu" program with the family, that helps me plan out dinners for the week. Genius!! It has worked like a charm for several weeks. Right now it's just dinners. Small steps. Plus it was the test to see if it would help. I am now going to do the same for myself with breakfast and lunch planning once I start WW again. It will help me stay on track and not wing it so often, which results in eating poorly.
7. Exercise- I am going to stay active. I am going to treat it like a M-F job. It will be thought of, in my mind, as the necessary task to complete the hour before the store is ready for business. Yes, I was a Store Manager, this is how I function. I will be walking for sure and also do other activities that are fun, so I will enjoy it instead of dread it. I don't want to be a bodybuilder or a marathon runner. I want to be toned and fit.
8. Accountability- I will be joining WW again. This is where I will get the "therapy" "addiction group meeting" "the medication" that I'll need. I will be with "my people" who understand what goes on in my head. I will get the "rah rah's" and applause that I need to boost my self confidence and esteem. It will keep me in check with portions.
Like I said, I am smart. I know what I need to do. It will take a lot of self discipline. I will involve a lot of self pep talks. It will require compassion and patience when some days don't go as well. It will also involve lots of words of encouragement and recognition when things do go well.
I will prevail!!
I have made a promise to Brett that I will fulfill. This summer we went to Wet 'n Wild. And, I only went on one ride. I couldn't get past the feeling of everybody staring at me plus the lack of agility I had in maneuvering my body. I felt huge and clumsy. So...I watched instead. Brett, in particular, voiced his disappointment..not in a mean way. So, I promised him that next summer when we go to a water park, whether it be in Las Vegas or somewhere else, I will be thin enough to ride the rides with him.
This is my goal. In February of this year I was at my thinnest at 288 lbs, I had lost 85 lbs at that point. Since then I have put on quite a bit again...I haven't weighed yet...I'm too afraid to, really. :/ I will though, once I start WW again next week. I figure, the water parks will open next June, so that gives me roughly 9 months to work on fulfilling that promise. Considering my size and amount of weight I have to lose, I feel a reasonable goal, one that shouldn't be too overwhelming would be to lose 75 lbs. That should put me under the weight that I was at in February. If I can really wrap my head around all of the things that I listed above, there's no telling what I can accomplish!!
So...here's to...changing the "I just don't wanna" to "I'm just gonna!" I know...that was kinda silly. But, you get the idea. :D

What should I do??

What.should.I.do???
So...I have been eating everything...by mass quantities...for quite some time now.
Back in February/March I think I had an emotional breakdown. I had reached a point where,  I WAS DONE. Tired of counting...tired of exercising...tired of beating myself up for not doing more of this or not being better at that. A constant state of disappointment for no reason. I should have done more. I could have done more. This probably isn't as healthy as I should eat. I need more of those. I can't eat that anymore. 30 minutes of walking isn't strenuous enough, so it doesn't count. ETC...ETC...ETC.
After a year of those frequent thoughts it took it's toll on me. I did have good thoughts and moments of "I'm really doing a good job" too.  But, still...I will always expect more from myself.
As I have said before, I classify myself as an "Unrealistic Optimist". I have a "go-getter" attitude most of the time. Which, in a lot of cases, is good. But...I tend to bite off more than I can chew or underestimate how long something will take or how hard something will be.
Let me give you a couple of scenarios. Food... I will approach a diet with the plan of changing every bad habit that I have over night without any problems. I will eat lots of fruits...lots of veggies...I won't even have a desire to eat sugar...I will not be tempted by all those commercials...I will drive past fast food places and not even glance over...and it will be so easy. I mean, seriously...I'll picture it...in my head. And then, I'll think that it's is realistic thinking.
Same goes with exercise. I will plan out some ambitious routine. Every day I will do something. And, not just a little bit...a 1-2 hour commitment each day. Again...I picture it...in my head. It goes something like this...I wake up, FULL of energy, get the kids off to school, put my tennis shoes on and then just kick some butt. I'll start by walking or maybe even jogging for an hour...then...I do some other form of exercise! Will it be Xbox Zumba...Balance ball exercises, circuit training? Who knows?!? But, whatever it is...I'm gonna kick ass and love every second of it!!
So...this is where my "Unrealistic Optimism" smacks me in the face. I have now just set up a plan to COMPLETELY change all of my bad habits at the same time. And, I honestly think that I won't have any problem with it. But...what I'm really doing is setting myself up for disappointment. Do I think I can do all of those things? Sure I do! But, not all at the same time.
Small Steps. Keep it Simple. Moderation. Balance. I can do this. It's ok.
These words and sayings have become frequent recordings in my head. I repeat them over and over. I have to, in order to stay focused.
So...this is where I am at mentally at the moment. I have soul searched. I have come up with plans...over and over. One day, I'll be totally motivated to take this approach. And then, the next day, I will be certain that this approach is better. I am just plain confused and stuck. What do I do??
Before I had kids, I was a Store Manager for a retail store called Van Heusen...and I was a darn good one, in my opinion. I got the job done, I was organized and had a plan of action everyday. I would make a list of jobs and knock them out...usually. ;) It felt great to have a plan.
After I had kids and as I have gotten older and been my own boss so to speak, I have become very relaxed in my responsibilities. I make sure my kids are taken care of. But, the things that I have on my "mental checklist" for myself will get put on the back burner quite a bit. I'll do it tomorrow. It can wait. It's not that important.
As a Store Manager, I knew that I had certain responsibilities each day, so I did them, plain and simple. It was just part of my day. In the beginning, as a stay at home mom, it was the same thing. I still had that "Store Manager" job, I had certain responsibilities. I knew what I had to do each day. I had baby routines, then toddler routines, then baby routines again, then toddler routines again. That got me along for 9 years. Then... all my kids were in school full time. It was just me. Now what?? I'm lost. I have no set responsibilities during the day. What do I do??
That's when I started this journey. I said to myself, "Ok, Jill. You are 200 lbs overweight. It's time to take care of you." It took me about 6 months to really get started, then I jumped in full force. I had a great ride for about 6 months, then had a roller coaster ride for 6 months. Then, I had a melt down because of the degree of change that had just occurred over the past year. And now, 6 months later, and because of this breakdown, I have fallen off the wagon, gained back way too much weight.
But...during this past 6 months, I have done some major soul searching, And, I now know what I need to do.
Food. I know that I need some form of counting. It's the only way that I can do it right now...even though I get irritated by it. I have tried to use my "best judgment" but that fails every time. Question is...do I do Weight Watchers or do I do MyFitnessPal?? Points or Calories? They each have their pros and cons. With WW, I can eat fruits and veggies and not have to count anything...it's almost like having a small amount of freedom. I also have the "extra" points which is kind of like giving myself that special pass to indulge in something. With MyFitnessPal, I'll count calories which is so much easier when I'm grocery shopping. But, it feels a lot more restricted for some reason. If I go over in calories, that's it...no reserve. And, I refuse to take pills, order special meals, or go on "Fad" diets. I want real food and normal eating. And, I take enough pills so I don't want to screw up my body with any more.
Exercise. This is where having the "Store Manager daily duties" mentality will come into play. Whenever I opened the store, there were certain things I had to do in order to get the store ready for business. And, this is how I will approach exercise. Exercise will be my way of getting ready for business. I used to work 5-6 days full time in management or 3-4 days part time as an associate. So, I am going to start exercising part time at first, so I don't get burnt out too quickly. "Small steps". I am going to walk for sure, throw in some swimming and include some FUN activities. As time goes by, I will start full time by increasing the duration, frequency and difficulty levels.
This is how I feel that I can get back into the groove and not overwhelm myself too much. I can have the structure and accountability that I need without so much stress. I know that I'll have to do things that I don't want to. But...I don't have to make it unbearable and unrealistic. Just "Keep it Simple"