Top 10 Lessons Learned and Simple Goals and Dreams of a Fat Girl...volume 4.

For almost 2 years now, I have been on what I call my weight loss journey...and what a journey it has been. And, I feel like a lot of my posts lately have had a "Debbie Downer" and "poor me" tone...which I don't like. I am a very positive, optimistic and "look on the bright side" kind of person. So, I don't like to bring anybody down with what I write. But...I also, want to stay true to how I'm feeling at that moment. Sometimes, I post when I'm just bummed out and have had a bad day...it helps me get out of that funk. And, sometimes, I post when I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel or have acknowledged and been proud of my progress. Either way...I am honest. I have good days and bad days just like everyone else. As much as I would have loved to stay totally focused and in the game until the end...I realize that life happens. And, it is so easy and natural to revert back to the comfort zone...whatever that may be.
I frequently post about my accomplishments physically, but I don't know I how much I have written about what I have learned about myself over the past 2 years. I am gaining (no pun intended) everything that I want from this journey. Sure, I would like to be much thinner. Sure, I wish that I wouldn't have gained back some of the weight that I have lost. But...I have learned so much about myself during all of this and that is worth more than what that scale tells me.
So here are my Top Ten Lessons Learned...
1. I have learned to think for myself. I am a wishy washy, easily persuaded and indecisive person. I rely a lot on what people think and usually base my decisions on that. Well...I have come to realize that I am not always happy with those decisions, but at that time, it felt right. And, because of this, it has made me reflect and take a good hard look at me and what it is that I want. Which has been very freeing. I have been able to make choices that are mine. I'm not saying that I am a puppet and that I only do what others tell me to do. All I am saying is, that I am comfortable with my own wants and desires and I'm not afraid of what others think, if they don't align with theirs. And, that is HUGE for me.
2. I've learned how to say "no". I want to help everybody! But, sometimes that comes at the expense of my own sanity. I will put my own schedule on hold to give that extra service if needed. Which, I enjoy doing. But...sometimes, I need to think before I agree to help out. I need to think..."Can I do this without stressing myself out?" "Will this interfere with previous engagements?" I don't like saying no, but sometimes, I need to.
3. I have learned not to compare myself to others. I am me. I know what works for me. I will look at others and think to myself "Why can't I do that?" "Why can't I look like that?" "If she can do it, than I can do it." I will drive myself nuts with the wishing and hoping. I do enjoy watching others for inspiration though, but I also have to stay focused and know my own capabilities. Not everyone is designed the same inside or out. Yes...I do need to strive for the extreme, but I also need to be patient with my limitations.
4. Find your best friend. The one that is perfect to talk to for that problem. I have many best friends. I don't mean that in a conceited way. What I mean is, I will be in a certain kind of funk, and there are certain people that I reach out to, in order to get me out of those specific funks. I am blessed to have such a wide variety of great people in my life and they each offer their own dose of medicine to help cure my blues. It is crucial to open up and talk about things in order to feel better and get a different perspective.
5. It is ok to struggle with things. I am not perfect. Not everything will come naturally. Just keep pushing and keep trying different methods. In time, I will find that method that works.
6. I am not alone. One blessing that I have received from being open and honest about my trials and thoughts, is that I have touched a lot of other people. I have opened up others and they have confessed of having the same issues or thoughts. And, as much as I don't want them to suffer from the same things that I do...it is comforting to know that I am not alone. You never realize what is going on with someone until you're able to listen. Not everyone is an open book like I am, so it is nice to know that I can 'break the ice' and learn that I am experiencing the same trials as so many others.
7. I love my body. Some of you may say "Really???". But, I do. It has taken me a LONG time to feel and say that though. But, what I don't like is, the limitations that the size of my body brings. I have been big/bigger my whole life. And, believe it or not, I do have a good shape. It is an hourglass that holds quite a bit of extra time. And...who doesn't need a little extra time, right? ;) I am soft. I am fun to squeeze and I LOVE hugs. Yes, I am still self conscious and still want to be thinner, but I know that I have a good body...it just has a lot more cushion than most. ;)
8. Simplify. I am much better than what I used to be. I am far from where I want to be, but I have made progress. When I simplify, and think about something for awhile before I do it, it makes my life much less stressful. I am notorious for over-complicating everything! Because I have realized this about myself, I now give myself 'self-talks' before I jump into a project or whatever else. "Is it worth it?" "Is this the best way to approach this?" "Will it be something that I will follow through with?" These self-talks have helped me save lots of time, money and stress.
9. Kids see all. Everything I do and say is being recorded by their little minds. Scary, huh?? I won't always make the right choices...I won't always set a good example...I will frequently say things that I shouldn't. I am human. And, my kids are exposed to all of me. So, when I do have those "bad mommy" moments, I will totally admit it. I feel that it can be just as helpful for kids to see their parents make mistakes. Because when they watch us screw up, they also watch us to see how we fix it. And, that is a very important learning lesson for them. They watch to see...will we fly off the handle or will we approach it with a level head and examine what it was that we did wrong. That will make a lasting impression on them and how they will handle their own problems. My journey is a good example of that. They have seen me gung ho and they have seen me struggle, but they have not seen me quit.
10. Be thankful and grateful for all the little things. No matter how small the progress may feel...it is progress, nonetheless. Be thankful and grateful for obstacles because that is where you'll grow the most. Don't say I should've done more because that is never ending and will lead to a constant state of disappointment. Pat yourself on the back for every step forward and be compassionate for every step back. Be accepting of differences and patient with struggles.
So...I have learned a lot. I will continue to learn a lot. I will get healthy. I will get rid of my Diabetes or at least get it to the point where I'm off of the medication. I will get rid of my Sleep Apnea. Small steps. I am making life changes...one step at a time.
Now onto the Simple Goals and Dreams of a Fat Girl, Volume 4...and I'm sure some are repeated, but some goals and dreams never change. :)
1. I want to climb my stairs without dying at the top.
2. I want to wear cute shoes again. Big clunky Doc Marten sandals. Funky colored Vans. Whatever tickles my fancy.
3. I want to fit in a booth comfortably.
4. I want to walk past a group of kids without getting those "look how big she is" stares.
5. I want to be healthy, so my loved ones can stop worrying.
6. I want to play sports again without being held back by my size and stamina.
7. I want to wrestle with my kids without fear of crushing them.
8. I want to sit in a chair next to someone and not practically sit in their lap.
9. I want to know what it feels like to not obsess about food.
10. I want to chase my kids and actually catch them.
11. I want to drive a race car.
12. I want to travel and not have to have that extra piece of luggage called the C-Pap machine.
13. I want to be attractive to sleep next to and not look and sound like Darth Vader.
14. I want to wear patterned clothes and not worry about how enormous that print makes me look.
15. I want to have legs that don't retain so much water. I want legs that are not so sensitive to pressure. I want to see my ankles and knees again.
16. I want to be able to go on vacations that are more outdoorsy and enjoy them to the fullest. I want to hike and explore. I want to walk miles without being so tired all the time.
17. I want to know what it feels like to conquer this lifelong challenge of losing weight. I want to be at a weight that all I need to do is maintain.
18. I don't want my kids to have the same issues as me. I want them to have a healthy relationship with food and not have to deal with the cruelness and limitations that comes with being overweight.
19. I want to get rid of my medication.
20. I want to shop in a normal sized person department.
There it is. Lessons learned and my goals and dreams. And, because of all my self discoveries, I have become a much more calm and content person. I am discovering who I am and what makes me happy. What is it that I really want to accomplish? How to do I get to those goals and still enjoy life? I have a plan. I am taking it easy this summer. But, once school starts again. Game on!

 

Attitude is everything.

What went up, MUST come down. Plain and simple. It's right there in the title of this blog. I know this. I'm not stupid. I know that how I'm eating and what I'm doing to my body is affecting my health. But, right now, I have never felt so helpless. For a long time, things were going so well....I was in the zone...untouchable...complete tunnel vision and focused on the goal. Then POW! mental and emotional breakdown. It is extremely frustrating because I feel so out of control right now. I have been trying to wrap my brain around it. I am a strong woman and I ordinarily can push through anything. But, this just feels so much stronger than I am.
Years ago, when I lost weight, and then fell back into my old habits, it was almost a relief. I was relieved that I didn't have to worry anymore. I could eat and do what I wanted again. No more stressing about points or exercising. Yes...I knew I needed to lose weight, but there was nothing, other than body image, that was the concern...in my mind.
Now that I have lost enough weight to see the positive effects of what being thinner brings, it bothers me that I am falling back into old habits. Because I know what it feels like to be healthier and more energetic, and I loved those feelings! That is why I am so pissed at myself for being in the spot that I am right now. But still...I am not naïve to the fact that there is something bigger going on with me. It's not just about stubbornness or lack of will power. This is something that will take much more work from me mentally to overcome. But, I am ready for that challenge.
I have discovered what my problem is, and in my opinion, it is something that I can fix without pumping myself full of 'prescriptions' to help me. I feel the more drugs in my body, the more symptoms that I'm going to have to overcome. I don't need or want any other side effects to screw me up more than I already am. Now, I know that I have hormonal imbalances...but who doesn't?? I also know, that if I make the obvious changes...the ones that I have experienced the positive results from by orchestrating them in the past...I will get myself back in line. However...I need to do this in a manner that is realistic, livable and attainable. That's the tricky part.
But first...I have to work on my attitude and stop being such a child at the fact that I have to do something that I really don't want to. I need to prioritize and make the changes necessary that will make the most impact.

When I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes when I was 30 years old, I was in denial, because I didn't feel any of the symptoms or side effects of it. I was told that I had it, and then I wrote it off like it was no big deal. I rarely checked my sugar levels. I felt like, 'what's the point?'. Because, even if the number was high, I wasn't going to change anything. And, I have lived with that attitude this whole time. Well...about a week ago or so, after I ate dinner, I felt awful!! I could feel my blood sugar skyrocket and then my chest felt jittery...if that makes any sense. So, I took my blood sugar, and it was 315!! And that was 2 hours after I ate. NOT GOOD! That scared me. But, it doesn't stop there...I am now noticing all kinds of little issues like, my eyes being out of focus, little prickly feelings in the arch of my foot when I step on it a certain way, dizziness and brain fog (worse than normal). These symptoms are helping me realize the fact that Diabetes is no joke. I do have it. And now, I have to be smart and not act like a little girl that believes it will go away on its own. This is where I need to change my attitude. Diabetes is serious. And, I need to treat it as such.

I am going to be 36 years old next month. I am TOO young to start dealing with the awful things that can happen to Diabetics!! I have GOT to get myself under control! But, my mind is my problem. It's not an easy... give this up, give that up kind of thing for me. There is nothing easy about feeding my body with only the foods that it needs. I think about food every second of the day. I crave food. I get giddy when I think about food. It is seriously a drug for me. And, that is why I feel that this problem is not just about will power or being stubborn. It has become an addiction. And, not many people understand this unless they have been addicted to something. I used to smoke a long time ago. And, I remember what it was like to have something take control over all rational thoughts because of the feeling of peace it gave me for that few minutes. I also remember wanting to quit and how hard it was to give up those moments...give up those habits that I created. But...I did. I quit because I didn't like what it was doing to my body. I was able to be strong enough to tell myself, "NO!" And...I know that I can do it again. But, this time with food. It's not going to be easy because I can't just quit cold turkey like I did with smoking. I have to eat...and I want to do so without eliminating anything. I just need to find alternatives to different foods, so I can still get the pleasures without the negative effects on my body.

For the past several months, I have really been trying the find something to put the blame on for what's going on with me. I wanted that quick fix that will make this easier for me. Just give me a pill to make my brain stop thinking about food all the time. Well...there is no such pill. And, I honestly don't feel there is something malfunctioning in my body anyway. I think I am doing pretty good actually. But what my gut and instincts do tell me is, that this is all mental. And, what I am going to have to do is find that inner strength somewhere that can shut up those voices that tempt me so much. I have developed a very unhealthy relationship with food. And, that's what I need to work on...cutting those ties. Learn to live without being so dependent on food. Eat to live not live to eat.

 

 

 

A Daily Dose of Motivation.

Motivation...inspiration...a good hard smack in the head. It's all necessary to keep my mind on track.
"I can do this by myself." "I don't need help from anyone." "I can give that up, no problem." " I can change every bad habit that I've had my whole life overnight." These are constant self-talks that I've had millions of times over the past 20 years. And, do they work?? NO!
I have learned that I need some form of motivation frequently. I tend to get complacent. My attitude changes from one of being "gung ho" to one of being comfortable and content. Especially when things get difficult. I start to talk myself into being ok with how things are...even though I'm not. And, because of this, I need constant reminders of why I started this journey. I need VISUAL reminders. I need reminders that come from someone or something other than me.
I have been struggling big time with getting my head back into this. I have always known that I have major issues with food. I don't know when it started because I don't remember a time that I didn't love food. And, I have been trying to understand why I go through these stages so often. I mean...I don't have a bad life. I didn't have a horrible childhood. I was never a victim of abuse or anything traumatic. So...what's my excuse? Why do I rely on food to medicate or enhance every emotion?? And, the only thing I could come up with is...addiction. Is this the reason? Is it because I have found something that I love, and now I have become addicted to it? I don't know. But, honestly...the word "addiction" seems so extreme to me. Plus, I have a hard time relating that word to food. I associate it with substances/activities that we engage in, but can live without. Something that we start, but then have to learn to give up. Well...food is something that I need to live. How can I be addicted to something that I won't be able to quit? That doesn't make sense to me. But now, the real question is...how do I become un-addicted? Or can I??
Who knows?? All I know is, that this rant and over-thinking of my current situation, just leads me back to what I've said before..."Who care's what the reason is, just get it under control!" I will always have issues with food. What's important is, that I recognize when I get in my funk and act on it before it gets out of control. So...that is what I am doing. And that...now, takes us back to...motivation.
There are many different kinds of motivation and they all work. Some kinds are uplifting and inspirational...some have a way of reminding me that I'm not alone...some are useful in helping me  feel that unconditional love and acceptance, even when I'm moving backwards...some are just the "in your face, smack in the head" that we all need...and some are just plain funny and help me keep my sense of humor about the whole thing.
Family and friends are HUGE distributors of this motivation for me. I appreciate SO much all the love and support that I have received EVERY step of the way, and still receive daily. It is so hard to not only lose the weight and improve my health, but it's also hard to maintain that drive to keep it going. And, not to mention...how hard it is to get back on the horse again, after I have fallen off and broken my spirit. I am just so lucky to have such a big circle of family and friends that love me and want nothing but the best for me. No matter how many times I fall off that horse, there is always someone to help boost me back up. Or, that someone to hear me out without making me feel stupid for having the issues that I do. Family and friends offer a form of motivation that helps me feel the unconditional love and acceptance. They also remind me that I'm not alone.

 

There are also times when I just need to take a few minutes and read some uplifting quotes or stories. They don't have to be super long and preachy. Some are very simple, yet direct and to the point. And, these help to reset my attitude and then get my state of mind back into the positive thinking again.

Some methods of motivation are "slap me in the face"! Hard to look at, but necessary to remember why I am going through all of this! I have not been in many pictures in the past 10 years or so because of the humiliation that I feel when I see what I've done to myself. But...these pictures are exactly what I need to see in order to keep me motivated.

Don't get me wrong...I don't hate myself. I love the person that I am. I am just upset at what I have done to myself physically and what I have done to my health. These pictures help remind me to stay on the right path.

HUMOR...I LOVE HUMOR. It is such a huge part of who I am. So...how could I not use humor to keep me motivated.

 

 

So...there it is folks. Losing weight, getting healthy, changing bad habits, being compassionate with myself, having patience in doing hard things and keeping a positive state of mind...they all require help from different sources of motivation in order to stay on track. With getting a daily dose of motivation, I can get that boost that I need to keep me going.