Time to vent. Simple Goals and Dreams of a Fat Girl...Volume 5.

It's time to vent.
I need to quit my bitchin' and put my words and desires into action.
Should...should...should.
It's a dangerous word that I use way too often!
I should go to the park after I drop off kids and walk. I should go to the gym and swim laps. I should plan out all my snacks and prep them so they're ready to go. I should go to bed early. I should stop drinking soda. I should unglue myself from the computer.
Should...should...should.
I should stop saying "should" and start saying "will". I mean...if it's something that I desire, then why not make it happen? Right?
Let me give you a small glimpse of my mental dialogue. "It's too hard." "I can't imagine myself being able to do that." "I've done it for so long that I won't know how to function otherwise." "It'll be ok. I don't need to eat super healthy. I'm doing just fine." "My family will wonder what's wrong with me if I start acting all different and start changing everything." "Oh...I won't follow through with it anyway, so why start?"
There are so many things that I want to change, but my constant self doubt and negativity is not making it possible to do so. Am I afraid of change? It appears so. Maybe I just don't know how to change or where to begin. That's probably more like it.
I have tasted success and loved it. But...I couldn't maintain it. The lifestyle I chose was too much out of my comfort zone. I freaked out and took an extreme nose dive.
Where do I go from here? What is the route that I need to take to get healthy and still be happy?
I just don't know.
So...I've been doing absolutely nothing instead. In fact, the stress of it all is making me so angry and bitter that I am doing worse now than I ever have. I feel awful...I feel tired...I feel HUGE...I feel unmotivated. All.The.Time. This is not the life I want to live. I am miserable and I am having a hard time turning myself around.

I usually consider myself a very optimistic person. And that could be my problem. I am optimistic that everything will be fine, even if I don't change a thing. I'm living in a fantasy world. I am fooling myself because deep down inside I know what I need to do. I just don't want to.

To make matters worse, I over complicate everything. What may seem like a simple task for some is a major headache for me. I can't just make a meal plan that is "busy schedule" friendly. No...I have to research new recipes for hours...plan out these big meals and think that it will work with our lifestyle. WRONG. We're busy. Plain and simple. And, I need to plan our meals with that in mind.

Plus, I have to have a million and one projects going on at the same time and then I don't finish any of them. My mind is overloaded with "Oh...I should do this!!" (There's that word again. See...it's evil.) All these projects take so much time and energy away from the things that are really important.

Over the past couple of months, I've had a few eye opening moments. The most frustrating one is the fact that doing any kind of physical activity is SO draining and exhausting. It's very depressing and disappointing that at 36 years old, I am in this condition. It shouldn't be this way.

So...here is my promise. It's a promise to myself and all those I love and love me. I WILL fix this. I may say that I don't know what to do...but I do. I just didn't want to.

Here are some simple steps on how to stay sane and not get overwhelmed so much. Just focus on getting healthy on the inside and out.

1. Eat Less

2. Move more

3. Get enough sleep

4. Keep things simple

5. Don't start a new project until the last one is finished

6. Share the load...kids are part of the household too and they should contribute to the upkeep of it.

7. SMILE. LAUGH. Enjoy life.

8. Sit and read a book. Escape for awhile.

9. Go outside and get fresh air

10. Go on weekly dates with your spouse, your kids, your friends. Any one of them or sometimes all of them.

11. Most importantly...VENT!! We all keep things bottled up for so many reasons. We don't want to burden anyone...we don't feel it's an important problem...we think we can handle it on our own. Well, you know what...I always feel better when I have had a good cry or bitch session with someone that I love and that will still love me know matter how messed up in the head I am! ;)

Now...I am on a mission to turn myself around...and I don't mean by doing the Hokey Pokey. :D
With that being said...I feel I have reached a point...again...where I need to state the reasons as to why I must turn myself around. So...here it is...
The Simple Goals and Dreams of a Fat Girl...Volume 5
1. I want to get on an airplane without having to use the seat belt extension. I did it once not long ago...I can do it again.
2. I want to go places without having anxiety attacks about seating and if I'll fit.
3. I want to feel attractive to my husband.
4. I don't want to embarrass my kids by being the "Fat Mom".
5. I want to climb up the stairs without needing the handrail and getting winded.
6. I want to not think about food every second of the day.
7. I don't want to hear "I'm worried about you." anymore.
8. I want to be able to get up and down off the floor with ease.
9. I want to feel graceful again and not so clumsy and awkward because of my size.
10. I want to find a short sleeve shirt that doesn't squeeze the crap out of my arm and show off all my fatness.
11. I want to get out of bed without feeling like an 80 year old woman.
12. I want to see my jawline, my kneecaps, my ankle bones and my cheekbones again.
13. I want to be the one that takes the kids on the rides.
14. I want to have the stamina to do activities without having to sit down and rest so much.
15. I don't want to be the round stick figure in my kids' drawings.
16. I want to be proud of myself and not so critical all the time.
17. I want to make choices that I can be proud of myself for.
18. I want to teach my kids how to live a healthy life.
19. I want to sleep without the ever so attractive "Darth Vader" mask. I know that Mike is a huge Star Wars fan...but it kinda takes away from the "Hey...baby!' mood. LOL! TMI...
Last but not least....
20. I want to be able to write this list with new goals and dreams...and not the same ones all the time.
But...I guess...
Slow and steady...wins the race. Right? Well...I've taken a couple of long breaks... and now it's time to get headed back to that finish line.