A tough choice to be made.

 

So many emotions lately. But...really...what's new?

"I want to do this naturally!" That has been my focus since I got serious about losing weight. I don't want surgery. I don't want to take pills. I don't want special foods or shakes. 

I did this to myself. I need to be responsible and take care of it myself. No quick fixes. No cheats.
I do have to say though, that I did much better than I expected for a lot longer than I expected. And, I honestly thought I was never going to fall back into my old habits again. Wrong.
I don't know what to do with myself. I am a smart person. I am not in denial that I have a problem. Yet, I can't seem to listen to my inner angel and make the smart choices that I need to.
Food is such a temptation.
I am slowly coming to terms that I may have to humble myself and look into the medical help that is available...surgery. Sigh.
I have such mixed feelings about this. I know that it will greatly help me lose weight. But...I am skeptical that it will fix the problem. My head. My thoughts. That's the problem. How will surgery help fix the underlying causes?? This is how I view it...surgery will just fix the symptoms of the problem.
I am at my wit's end. I have tried over and over to do this on my own. Is surgery the right choice?? I feel like I have failed myself. That I am not as strong as I thought I was. Why can't I do this??
Right now, I feel like I am in the worst condition of my life...very close to when I was pregnant with Sydney. All of the "small victories" that I had during the year of losing weight, have now crept back into my life. I am uncomfortable, ashamed, out of shape, disappointed and disgusted with where I am at physically right now.
Because of my Diabetes, I get regular blood work done and see my doctor every 3 months. The main numbers that they watch for are my blood sugar levels and the A1c number. The A1c needs to be under 7.0 to be considered a controlled Diabetic and under 6.0 to be out of the woods. Last year around this time my A1c was 6.7...which was pretty good. But...then I got burnt out, fell off the wagon and started losing control. By the fall, my A1c was 8.1. Huge jump in a matter of 6 or so months. I just had my blood test again this month and my A1c jumped again to 8.7. NOT good. I have now been put on an additional medicine...which I hate medicine...in hopes to get this under control. If I can't...insulin is in my future. I can't believe I let it get to this.
This is why I am seriously considering surgery.
I am not getting any younger. The longer that I have all this weight on my bones/joints and the longer that my blood sugar levels remain high...the more irreversible the damage will be to my body.
I just keep thinking about my kids, my husband, my parents. They need me. And, I want to be around a long, long time. I LOVE life. I love MY life. I am so blessed in so many ways. I really want to make the smart choice. The right choice.
I keep telling myself..."I can do this! I know I can do this! I don't need "the quick fix"." But then...I have a bad day...or a good day. It doesn't matter. It's food...I need food to fix it or to celebrate. Whatever the occasion or mood or emotion or stress...food is the answer! How do I stop that way of thinking. Can I? Or do I just learn to ignore it?
Will my thoughts towards food change when I lose a bunch of weight and really start seeing a new body? Honestly, when I lost 85 lbs...I still didn't see much of a new body. Sure I was thinner, but I still had a lot of "obese" issues. So it gets me wondering...how much weight do I need to lose for my way of thinking to change? Or will it?
I am at a loss...I don't know what to do.
I have been told about Overeaters Anonymous and the LDS Addiction Program, but I don't want to do either of those. It feels like negative energy "Poor me" stories for an hour. Sure I'm with "my people" but I get so annoyed being there. Same with Weight Watchers. I'd have to hear these idiotic stories of how these people would eat terrible but they still stayed in their points...and then they get upset that they didn't lose weight. Uh..duh! Really?? At least I know that my choices are what's keeping me from losing and I'm not oblivious to my own screw-ups. I just can't seem to tell myself no. I'm not used to hearing that word...and I really don't like it.
I know...I know...I'm being a brat and immature and silly. But...you know what...I'm frustrated. I want this to go away. And, I know it won't.
So...that brings me back to the reality of the fact that I have got to do something whether I like it or not. Before I do any more damage to my health and body.
Ugh. Tough choices.
Can I suck it up and get the job done on my terms? Can I be strong enough to say no and force myself to do things that I don't particularly like?
Or...
Do I take advantage of the medical advances that will help speed this along and potentially be the tool that is necessary to succeed?
Either way...it's going to take hard work and lots of self-discipline to do this. And, I've never been good with self-discipline...which is a big part of why I'm in this predicament.

Time to vent. Simple Goals and Dreams of a Fat Girl...Volume 5.

It's time to vent.
I need to quit my bitchin' and put my words and desires into action.
Should...should...should.
It's a dangerous word that I use way too often!
I should go to the park after I drop off kids and walk. I should go to the gym and swim laps. I should plan out all my snacks and prep them so they're ready to go. I should go to bed early. I should stop drinking soda. I should unglue myself from the computer.
Should...should...should.
I should stop saying "should" and start saying "will". I mean...if it's something that I desire, then why not make it happen? Right?
Let me give you a small glimpse of my mental dialogue. "It's too hard." "I can't imagine myself being able to do that." "I've done it for so long that I won't know how to function otherwise." "It'll be ok. I don't need to eat super healthy. I'm doing just fine." "My family will wonder what's wrong with me if I start acting all different and start changing everything." "Oh...I won't follow through with it anyway, so why start?"
There are so many things that I want to change, but my constant self doubt and negativity is not making it possible to do so. Am I afraid of change? It appears so. Maybe I just don't know how to change or where to begin. That's probably more like it.
I have tasted success and loved it. But...I couldn't maintain it. The lifestyle I chose was too much out of my comfort zone. I freaked out and took an extreme nose dive.
Where do I go from here? What is the route that I need to take to get healthy and still be happy?
I just don't know.
So...I've been doing absolutely nothing instead. In fact, the stress of it all is making me so angry and bitter that I am doing worse now than I ever have. I feel awful...I feel tired...I feel HUGE...I feel unmotivated. All.The.Time. This is not the life I want to live. I am miserable and I am having a hard time turning myself around.

I usually consider myself a very optimistic person. And that could be my problem. I am optimistic that everything will be fine, even if I don't change a thing. I'm living in a fantasy world. I am fooling myself because deep down inside I know what I need to do. I just don't want to.

To make matters worse, I over complicate everything. What may seem like a simple task for some is a major headache for me. I can't just make a meal plan that is "busy schedule" friendly. No...I have to research new recipes for hours...plan out these big meals and think that it will work with our lifestyle. WRONG. We're busy. Plain and simple. And, I need to plan our meals with that in mind.

Plus, I have to have a million and one projects going on at the same time and then I don't finish any of them. My mind is overloaded with "Oh...I should do this!!" (There's that word again. See...it's evil.) All these projects take so much time and energy away from the things that are really important.

Over the past couple of months, I've had a few eye opening moments. The most frustrating one is the fact that doing any kind of physical activity is SO draining and exhausting. It's very depressing and disappointing that at 36 years old, I am in this condition. It shouldn't be this way.

So...here is my promise. It's a promise to myself and all those I love and love me. I WILL fix this. I may say that I don't know what to do...but I do. I just didn't want to.

Here are some simple steps on how to stay sane and not get overwhelmed so much. Just focus on getting healthy on the inside and out.

1. Eat Less

2. Move more

3. Get enough sleep

4. Keep things simple

5. Don't start a new project until the last one is finished

6. Share the load...kids are part of the household too and they should contribute to the upkeep of it.

7. SMILE. LAUGH. Enjoy life.

8. Sit and read a book. Escape for awhile.

9. Go outside and get fresh air

10. Go on weekly dates with your spouse, your kids, your friends. Any one of them or sometimes all of them.

11. Most importantly...VENT!! We all keep things bottled up for so many reasons. We don't want to burden anyone...we don't feel it's an important problem...we think we can handle it on our own. Well, you know what...I always feel better when I have had a good cry or bitch session with someone that I love and that will still love me know matter how messed up in the head I am! ;)

Now...I am on a mission to turn myself around...and I don't mean by doing the Hokey Pokey. :D
With that being said...I feel I have reached a point...again...where I need to state the reasons as to why I must turn myself around. So...here it is...
The Simple Goals and Dreams of a Fat Girl...Volume 5
1. I want to get on an airplane without having to use the seat belt extension. I did it once not long ago...I can do it again.
2. I want to go places without having anxiety attacks about seating and if I'll fit.
3. I want to feel attractive to my husband.
4. I don't want to embarrass my kids by being the "Fat Mom".
5. I want to climb up the stairs without needing the handrail and getting winded.
6. I want to not think about food every second of the day.
7. I don't want to hear "I'm worried about you." anymore.
8. I want to be able to get up and down off the floor with ease.
9. I want to feel graceful again and not so clumsy and awkward because of my size.
10. I want to find a short sleeve shirt that doesn't squeeze the crap out of my arm and show off all my fatness.
11. I want to get out of bed without feeling like an 80 year old woman.
12. I want to see my jawline, my kneecaps, my ankle bones and my cheekbones again.
13. I want to be the one that takes the kids on the rides.
14. I want to have the stamina to do activities without having to sit down and rest so much.
15. I don't want to be the round stick figure in my kids' drawings.
16. I want to be proud of myself and not so critical all the time.
17. I want to make choices that I can be proud of myself for.
18. I want to teach my kids how to live a healthy life.
19. I want to sleep without the ever so attractive "Darth Vader" mask. I know that Mike is a huge Star Wars fan...but it kinda takes away from the "Hey...baby!' mood. LOL! TMI...
Last but not least....
20. I want to be able to write this list with new goals and dreams...and not the same ones all the time.
But...I guess...
Slow and steady...wins the race. Right? Well...I've taken a couple of long breaks... and now it's time to get headed back to that finish line.